| I didn't know I was dating a married man |
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Ok here is my situation. My boyfriend lied to me for 3 years. I met him about 3 years ago when I was an intern in for a PR firm in New York City. I was finishing college and getting ready to move to New York permanently for work. After the move we still were back and forth but he still did not want to commit. I told him after about a year and half of this not to call me or see me and we didn't for about 2 months. After that he decided he was ready to get involved in a serious relationship. So we started dating and did for about 8 months. We saw each other every morning and hung out every night. He stayed at my apartment once or twice the entire relationship but never the weekend. Comments
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Cheating boyfriend
written by Guest , 07 June, 2006
Hi, I'm currently undergoing the same situation right now.. I met this guy over the internet. He is the same nationality as mine. We became close. He was working in a different country, but decided to follow me. I sponsored his visa and everything thinking that he was the person who I was looking for. He was very honest with me before, telling me about his past problems of drug addiction and how his friend got killed because of that.. I had some doubts about that but I chose to ignore it since he said he got over it.. Anyway, he is with me now.. he is staying in a different apartment but he is close by.. he transfered just two days ago and when I was going thru his things I saw pictures of a child.. I was shocked, though I knew there was something fishy about it.. he told me its his daughter, she already five years old and he's having custody of the child and his mom is taking care of her since he needs to go to another country to work. And then I confronted him and told him that I would have understood it if he just needs my help on finding a job.. he told me that he is filling for an annulment.. but he needs to save the money first.. I don't know what to do anymore.. We have made plans already about our future and it has been a wonderful time together since were both trying to make our way to improve. Should I call his mom to know about it? Currently, I emailed his old girlfriend whom I thought was his wife.. because that's what he said. What I don't understand is he told me that he is married and yet he gave a different name of a woman? I wanted to get to the bottom of this, but I don't want to fight him.. he still owes me a lot of money and I'm afraid if I do that he might just run off..
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written by Guest , 16 June, 2006
I have been betrayed by men in my past and never wanted to be the "other woman," but have been in this case. The man has been living with a girlfriend with 4 kids and he gets free rent for himself and his daughter there. They'd been together 3 years when we met. I like him and wanted to get to know him, and we really got on well. We dated 3 months before he told me about her, and said he hadn't been happy for a while, told me of his financial situation (trying to put his daughter though private school and on fire fighter's income in high cost of living state. H introduced me to his daughter, his mother (who told me herself he hadn't been happy and was going to leave that relationship and she wished he'd do it soon), and his brother, as well as all his co-workers. I was disturbed at being the other woman and told him that went against my values and he needed to figure out what he wanted in his life and make a decision. I did not try to lure him away, having known that pain. He said he couldn't leave yet, but would be out end of summer. Never happened. Always and excuse. two years later and much anguish over loving him and him always saying he loved me and "soon" would be with me, I ended it. He kept calling and sending cards, claiming to love me very much and miss me, yet he would never back his words with actions. Now, I'm the one who has to end it out of frustration listening to him call his "situation at home" "strange," staying with what's easy and convenient. He's never told her the truth and says he will treasure our memories. Can he be truly happy living with someone he uses for financial benefits and keeping secrets from her? What is it he wants? I stayed away and he was a puppy after me, now he knows I've had it and never lifted a finger to make it work.
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written by Guest , 20 June, 2006
Oh honey, I'm dating a married man. I'm in love with him and he takes money and gifts from me but never bought me so much as a drink or one red rose or card for V.D., xmas or my birthday. I know he's using me but I can't let go. You and I I are crazy, bottom line. Love will do that to you. Stay away from him. You'll be better off!!!
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written by Guest , 04 August, 2006
You all deserve the right to be happy! And clearly, these relationships are only causing you pain. Respect yourself enough to walk away, begin the healing process. What are you truly losing? A relationship with its foundation built on lies and deception. Relationships that are healthy are that way because people invest the necessary time and efforts. In addition, relationships that have unhealthy beginnings, plagued with deceit and wrought with unreasonable expectations are doomed. Start from a healthy place with someone who is emotionally available. If you do decide to stay in the relationship, consider eliminating your expectations. Do not expect him to leave, just give selflessly and expect nothing in return. If you have no expectations of that individual they cannot conceivably hurt you. Sounds difficult I am sure, but that is the only way to protect yourself if you insist on staying in the relationship. One last thought, as the spouse of a cheating husband I know what it feels like to wake up and realize your husband has been unfaithful. Please try and consider the wife's feelings and treat her as you would expect to be treated.
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written by Bea , 19 January, 2007
I have been dating a married man for 2 years now. I knew it was wrong and against everything I believed. My husband cheated on me and had a child as a result. I know what it is like to be on the other side almost every relationship I have had I have been cheated on. Two resulted in me having nervous break downs. Most of this is a result of my low self esteem due to having been sexually abused from the age of 3 to 16. I got married at 17 hoping to have a knight in shinning amour. And every relationship has been a mess. Anyway when I went into this relationship I thought it was a safe place to be, since he was not actually mine, if and when things went bad it would not be as emotionally devastating. But I tell you it is. I suspected he had not been truthful to me on several occasions. He made me feel more loved then I had ever been, which actually was not very hard to do since I had been abandon by my parents and sexually abused by my grandfather while my grandmother had full knowledge of it. Right now I am in so much pain knowing the lies he has told me the most recent and for 3 months that he is dying of cancer. This was actually an excuse to have more time too spend with the other other woman. The cut is so very fresh. I am I so angry for falling for the same thing over and over again. I am in counseling and have been for 6 years. I have some much work to do and have actually accomplished so much over the past 6 years. This is a bit of a set back I have no friends and feel as though I am going crazy.
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It all cuts like a knife we had a secret cell phone and I received the bill. I never looked at the bill until recently when he had stopped paying it due to the so called cancer. At first I was going to pay it, but I realized he had been using up more minutes then a man who was too ill to call me. So who was he spending his minutes on the phone with. I called the number and was met with lie after lie from her and from him. They did not have their stories straight, which was a clear indication and confirmation of what I has suspected for months. It hurts so much the my counselor mentioned that they were both pathological liars. I have been doing some reading and the definition of a pathological liar and who and what they are has given some comfort but all this has come to light today and I am reeling and will be in pain for some time. I really loved this man. I can not believe the same person who was begging me not to break up with him 3 months ago so that he could deal with his life threatening cancer is writing me off because I have discovered he has been lying to me. Seriously, where did the man I love disappear to? Yes I know I am better of. That is the reality. But emotionally I am hurting. report abuse
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written by guest , 19 June, 2007
Wow. As I have been reading these stories I can't believe how similar they are to my own. I too was deceived by a married man. I met him about a year and a half ago and fell for him hard. He told me he had never been married and we appeared to have the same mindset regarding the sacredness of marriage etc. He portrayed himself to be everything I had ever wanted in a partner. He treated me like gold and I had never been happier in my life. We discussed marriage and children and spending the rest of our lives together. One thing that bothered me was the fact that I had never met anyone connected to his life. He had told me his mother was crazy so I was afraid to meet her, and all his friends appeared to live out of state. I also had never been to his house - he gave me one excuse after another - until one day, about 4 mths into our relationship, I discovered he indeed had been married. not once but twice... I confronted him and he denied it until I showed him proof. He then apologized profusely and told me that he was afraid he would loose me if he had told me he had been married. At this point I should have walked away. But he swore to me that he was currently divorced and would never lie to me again. At this point, my rational side was screaming run away, but my heart would not let go. I too felt as if I had met the love of my life and decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. We did take a break for a few months so I could clear my head. During that time I went in for counseling. About 6 mths ago, we started dating again. Things were rocky at first. I was very skeptical and untrusting at first of his every motive. Slowly I began to let him in again only to find out last week that he is actually still married to the 2nd wife and has been all this time. I don't know how he pulls it off. He is with me at least 3 nights a week and we talk every night on the phone. I can't believe i was so naive and blind as to fall for his lies a second time. When I confronted him this time he told me that he is in the process of divorcing his wife and has been since he met me. I told him that I cant be with him. It is against my morals to date a married man, yet I am completely in love with him still and can't imagine my life without him. He was hysterically crying on the phone and begged me to wait for him while his divorce goes through. I know that I should walk away, but a part of me believes that maybe once he is divorced he wont have to lie anymore and then we will be free to start over. Is anyone else experiencing anything similar? It would be helpful to hear how other people are dealing with a similar situation.
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written by Guest , 12 July, 2007
I just found out my boyfriend of six months was married. He went to great lengths to convince me he was single and convince his wife I didn't exist. I was in love with him and believed he loved me.
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Advice ladies? 2 things: 1. Men who lie to this extent are chameleons. They get along with everybody . . .have a silver tongue . . .however you want to say it. It hurts to think the connection you had together was fake, but the sooner you realize the lie to sooner you can get over it. 2. People make mistakes, and people can change. But when someone goes to that extent to lie to you and everyone else they care about . . .it's not going to change. Get out, and if you stay it's your own fault whatever happens. report abuse
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written by guest , 06 August, 2007
I can't believe how these stories are so like mine. I was dating a man who said his only wife had been killed 20 years previously. He traveled for work but was usually available to me by phone. He was gone over every major holiday but otherwise was with me. I just found out he has been married for the past 6 years. He says he is in the middle of a divorce right now but I am having a hard time believing it. Sounds like we have all been had - the attachment is tough to break.
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written by So In Love , 15 November, 2007
My boyfriend is divorced but living separate from his wife due to cheating on her and having a child with another woman. He claims he is done with cheating and wants to settle down with me, but he has not made any attempt to get divorced. I'm giving him exactly one year of my time and then I plan to leave him because I refuse to be in a longterm relationship as the "other woman". I know it will hurt, but I'll be better off in the long run. These men are so convincing that they love only you but in reality it seems they only love themselves because if they truly loved you they would not do this.
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written by Home wrecker? , 23 February, 2008
Didn't know he was married at the very beginning but found out real fast. Was a little confused at first, but sadly...I ignored those feelings and fell real hard for him. Six and a half years later, we're the parents of a two year old he never sees. Somehow, he always managed to see me when our little one was in daycare or stopped by when the little one was having nap time. He keeps telling me how the child (Six years old and lots of issues...medication even) of his marriage needs him and that's why he has to stick around in a marriage he can't stand and with a wife he doesn't love.... When our little one was almost one years old, he did finally tell his wife. What he told her, I really don't know. For sure he told her about our child, but I suspect I was presented in somewhat of a whore's light. She even contacted me and said all you could imagine a wife might say to the "other" woman...unfortunately, it doesn't stop me from loving him. However, I don't see him anymore even though he does try to contact me from time to time. Too long a story to write, but he's supposedly pursuing a divorce (I honestly don't believe it). How long does this hurt take? What do I say when my little one finally asks about his daddy and why he doesn't have one? Man....I really screwed up on this one!
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written by guest1 , 24 April, 2009
I know there are men who will lie about their marital status, but why are so many women being tricked into believing a man is single only to find out otherwise? Because we are being intimate and falling in love too quickly. We simply need to refrain from having sex, and putting our hearts out there until we know enough about the men we are dating. Know where he works, where he lives, and have more than just his cell phone number before letting things get serious. If a man cannot give me his home number, or take me to his home, we will not be sleeping together.
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written by Sunshine0419 , 05 June, 2009
I just recently found out that I guy I dated was married for five years when we met. I found this out AFTER I broke up with him, though. There was always something strange about him; I learned that he also had problems with the law, and he was a genuinely selfish person!
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Ladies, please know that men put on different masks when you first meet them, and can change them, if need be. When I met him, he had all the qualities I was looking for in a mate - smart, professional and hard working. Unfortunately, all of this was just scratching the surface. He also liked to go out alot and drink with his buddies, and then if he did something for me, he ALWAYS wanted sex at the end of the night for it. Eventually I got TIRED of him, so I moved on. He still tried to call me, even when I got into a new relationship, so my boyfriend (at the the time) really let him have it!!! Ladies, PLEASE, PLEASE PLEASE do a full background check on the man that you're with, and really get to know him, (the good and the bad). Believe me, it could save your life! I really thank GOD for letting me see who this guy really was! Also, ask him alot of questions, because if you don't, MEN WILL NOT TELL YOU ANYTHING, trust me when I say this!!!!!! report abuse
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written by Lina , 06 April, 2010
Reading all these stories is heartbreaking, knowing how many women have loved and trusted men that have based their entire relationship on a lie.
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I broke up with my boyfriend of 10 months, 2 months ago. He told me he was divorced over a year and had 2 small children. I spent time in his apartment for the first 3 months of our relationship until his business closed and he had to move in with his parents. Two weeks ago I received a call from his wife, not ex-wife but wife of 10 years. She is expecting her 3rd child from my ex-boyfriend. Due next week! I was devastated but speaking with her confirmed all my doubts and unanswered questions about him. I learned she was visiting family for those 3 months while I spend time in their apartment, having sex in their bed! I learned that he lied to her to be with me...writing a medical exam on New Year's Eve!! He was mysterious and secretive with her and moody as well. She too had her doubts but no proof, as I. It is so easy to want to believe these men. They are experts at what they do. By the time they got to us, they have cheated on their wives for so long they have perfected their lies and secrets. As this wife explained to me, "You're not the only one I contacted." But, there were clues. There are always clues. All those gut-wrenching doubts proved to be all correct. Unfortunately, most women don't get the answers as I was luck to get from the wife because most women don't protect each other but attack and blame each other. Some clues: He refused to give me the phone number of the apartment, he refused to introduce me to his family or any of his friends. When ever I wanted him to meet mine he'd get into an argument with me so I'd be to upset to want to introduce him to anyone. He kept insisting on meeting my parents but I refused until he introduced me to his. He always had excuses...my mother is difficult, my mother will not accept you, my mother is ill, your family will be easier, let's start with them first. My children have the flu this week and you can't meet them. I'm busy with work. I have a deadline and can't see you for a week. Short phone calls claiming he is too tired to talk. Or moody conversations when you ask how his day went. At the end, I wanted to leave him b/c I knew something was wrong. Even though I loved him and thought he was the one, I couldn't live with being second to his mother (but it was his wife all along) and his moods. I felt like a mistress and he'd get angry at me when I'd say that. He even came to couple's therapy with me (once)but when he refused to return I walked away from the relationship. It hurt so much and I still I break down in uncontrollable tears. There are moments I don't think that the pain will pass, but I know it is the humiliation that is effecting me more. We need to move on from these cheating men. Our lives will only be controlled and our self-esteem shattered in the process. These men have an addiction and we are enabling them by staying with them once we find out the truth. We need to support each other and believe that it is better to be alone than in a relationship that is built on a lie. In the end, if you stay or if you go, the relationship we had with these men were not real. We feel in love with the image of a man they created for us--not the real them. THe real man is a liar, is a cheat, does not respect women and is a shame to the male gender. He never showed you the real him, that's why we fell in love with them. That is why they were so charming, and caring and seemed perfect. All smoke and mirrors ladies!!! There are good men out there. I have to keep that hope (although I haven't found any yet!) but my friends and family are proof that nice, caring, honest, truthful men do exist. Use your time to get stronger, get over him (it will take a long time) but if you don't make the change for yourself, no one will. Best of luck! report abuse
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written by Sad46 , 16 September, 2011
I feel better knowing that i am not the only one that this has happened to. This has just happened to me very recently. I didnt know he was married ... 9 months i fell in love and he claimed his love for me. Then a phone call changed my life... "Do you know Jack?" i replied with a yes. She asked how. I told her i was his girlfriend. She said This is his wife. I was devastated and met her immediately. I was sitting there consoling her and her i. We were sharing the same pain... we were both the 'other woman' to each other. I had been with him for almost a year. He had perfected his lies. He had an entire made up family that i had never actually met but we had agreed to take that part slow on both parts so a flag didn't go up. The bottom line is i just lived an entire year of my life in a pretend world! I am devastated and in shock. My thoughts are scattered.. i cant form one complete thought. I and sad for his family but im also sad for myself. What is wrong with a man that he would devastate and change two innocent peoples lives. If i was the other women and i knew it then that would be my choice. But this man didn't give me a choice. I never had a clue he was married. I feel foolish. Live and learn is what they say but hey.. forget that.. no one deserves to be treated like that. He took a year of my life away, he took my innocence. i am now afraid to trust my own judgement, trusting someone is difficult. When that man decided to pick me to be his 'other woman' he was playing God with someones life. Why is this not a crime? Anyways i am feeling better and in time i know that i will meet my Prince Charming... not all men are like that are they?
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written by found out the hard way , 12 October, 2011
I am so happy I found this site.
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I had dated an older man for 8 months who had claimed he was divorced. He seemed like everything I ever wanted, and shared the same common interests, I could talk to him about anything and fell in love with him. There were warning signs that I should have noticed. He owned 2 businesses (which was actually the truth) and had a very erratic schedule. He was never free weekends, and would never spend the night because of his "schedule". I also couldn't go to his place because he was 'staying with his friend' because he 'didn't buy after they had sold their house'. He never talked about his 'ex' unless I asked. I had to ask to find out he was 'divorced'. Anyway, it got to a point where I couldn't take his schedule anymore and needed more. He couldn't give it so I broke it off. He cried and told me that he would try and get his priorities together and asked if he did if he could contact me again, I said of course and knew that I would wait for him. Literally the day after, a COMPLETE fluke, I arrived at an appointment early and decided to walk around the neighborhood. He at this point was supposed to be away on business, but there he was escorting his pregnant wife into their house. I was in shock I couldn't speak I just watched them walk in. I confronted him via phone later and he got extremely defensive, denied and yelled at me. Told me his flight had been cancelled (it wasn't), that she was his 'ex' and he was helping her into the house. When I googled the address one of his businesses had been registered under it for 2 years on the online pages. I know now that everything was a lie, and I do not want him back at all. The hard part is the guilt. I know that it wasn't my fault, but I don't know what to do, if I should tell this woman or not, I worry what he might do if he has that much to lose. I want to understand how someone could be so inconsiderate of other people for their own selfish gains. I don't want him to be able to get away with what he's done but I don't know if it's my place to hurt her. report abuse
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written by innocent one , 22 October, 2011
I also found out that the man I have been seeing for the past year and a half is married. He contacted me online and we got serious very quickly. He told me he was divorced for 3 years and was remodeling a home in my town. He was staying in the home while remodeling it, and would often stay with me. There were clues in hindsight such as he just had to go to a certain church down the hill and his son was still living with the ex (he said the ex and his son were very close). He ended up renting out the house, and told me he was living with his sister. A few weeks ago, I got a call at 5:30 in the morning from his wife (on his phone) informing me that he was not divorced. To say I am in shock is an understatement. I got a text a few hours later saying not to contact him again that he loved his wife and she loved him enough to forgive him. I am pretty sure it was her. What I don't understand is why a man who is supposedly so in love with his wife would go to such an extent to make up an entirely different life to be with someone else.
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I thought about sending her a letter telling her the details but decided against it. report abuse
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written by veryinnocent , 11 November, 2011
I am glad to know that I am not the only one who is going through this!.. I was seeing this guy for two years and just few weeks ago, he got caught by his wife after she randomly decided to check his phone one morning. She called and confronted me and told me the guy I had been seeing for two years was her husband and in fact that they live together. To know that everything I had with him for two years was all fake..and I all can say is he did an amazing job lying to me and his wife for the last two years. Apparently the fling with me continued even before their wedding and he still had the guts to say his vows at his wedding when he was already cheating on his wife with me.
Votes: +1
My friends have been telling me to move on quickly but its not as easy as they think it is..after I had been involved with this guy for two years and I'm glad to know that there are so many people on here who are going through the same rough patch as I am. report abuse
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written by HighRoad , 09 December, 2011
Wow! Thank goodness I found this site! I have been driving myself crazy! I too was dating a married man and didn't know it. We met on a dating site. He lived in another city but was often in my city for work. We saw each other a few times a week and talked on the phone. We discussed plans of getting married. We had a "normal" relationship. We went out for nice dinners. He came to my work functions. We were often out in public together and I had no reason to believe that he was keeping me a secret. He immediate family lived out of town and we were making arrangements to go down together so I could meet his family. He met my family. He was my date for wedding functions. There was nothing that led me to believe he was married. One night he canceled plans and I noticed that he was acting strange. I googled his name and I clicked on a site that seemed like nothing at the time. Up popped pictures of him and his wife. I immediately ended things. He tried to say that he was going through a divorce but wouldn't add me to facebook. (He had said earlier that he didn't have facebook.) I am proud that I took the high road. I chose not to contact his wife. I do not feel guilty for being with him while he was married because I had NO inclination. As soon as I found out, I ended things. It's hard getting adjusted to my new single life again, especially since I thought I was getting engaged soon. Ladies, sometime we have to be thankful not for what we have, but for what we've escaped. I can't believe that this happened to me. I am a professional intelligent woman. Being alone is still better than being with someone else's husband. The only thing worse than being me, is being his wife. To all women out there, who are with married men, get out, you deserve better! Karma is a bitch sometimes
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written by ........ , 06 January, 2012
I am writing here today having experienced the same thing as all of you, sadly.
Votes: +1
I met the man I was with seven months ago outside of a mall. He stopped me, told me I was pretty, and gave me his name and phone number. He was very intense, very confident, and something about him didn't sit well with me. Still, that weekend, I decided to call him against my better judgement. I was lonely and single so I thought, "Why not?" Throughout our relationship, there were many signs that something was wrong. He was very protective over his phone, I was never able to meet his family, and he never let me over his house. During our relationship, on two occasions two months apart, he even told me that his cousin and uncle had died. I truly felt sorry for him and sad, but when I asked him their names and looked them up in the obituaries, nothing came up. I knew something was wrong, so I confronted him about it and many others things, but each time I brought it up, he would get so angry. He would try to deflect my suspicions and as the term goes 'gaslight' me. I had so many doubts, so many questions, but despite my instincts, I was willing to overlook anything just to be with him. I wanted to be with him so much. I gave him everything. I gave myself to him totally. There's no way to understate the work I put into our relationship for seven months. Day in and day out, all I thought about was him. He consumed me, and I gave myself to him totally. He knew how I felt for him. He knew full well that I felt for him deeply. A few weeks ago, I decided to look up his name on the internet. Nothing came up. I thought, "That's strange. Most people have some kind of internet presence." That's when I decided to look up information on his mother, hoping I could find out about him through her. And I did. That information I found was not pretty. I found out that he's married with three kids. I found out that he had lied about his age, his name, and many other things as well. I found pictures of his wife, his kids, and him on the internet. I was floored. I was shocked, and I needed to know the truth. I confronted him that night with all that I had found, and he lied telling me the pictures I found were of his sister and nephews. He then got very angry and threatened to leave because I was 'invading his privacy'. If you are in a relationship with a man, you deserve to know personal things, especially things like family. report abuse
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written by ........ , 06 January, 2012
(Continuing.....)
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The next day I got a hold of his wife and told her everything. She informed me that this wasn't the first time he cheated. Afterwards, I got a bunch of threatening texts from him, and after that, nothing. No closure. No words of apology. No "I take responsibility for what I've done. I'm sorry.' I have not gotten one word from him since, and yes, it hurts a lot. I wish I could know why. I wish I could know why he did this to me. Some days I wish I could just pick up the phone and ask him, but I know he wouldn't answer. It's completely unfathomable how a person can do that to people. I've learned a lot of things from this: 1) Trust your instincts. If your gut is telling you something, listen to it. (There were times in the relationships when I even had dreams alerting me that something was wrong with him. There were signs everywhere. I just didn't listen.) 2) The truth matters. Don't let your love for a man or any other thing override the truth. The truth will still stand. Ignore it and it will be like a bug on your back. It won't go away. Like your conscience, it will continue to nag you. 3) Bad people exist. For a lot of us women, it's hard to believe. We are kind, caring, and want the best for others. If someone got hurt because they felt we looked at them the wrong way, we would probably feel awful. Can you imagine then what kind of person it takes to lie like this? To deceive and hurt others to this extent? No, we can't because it's not in us. It has been the most difficult thing wanting to know 'why', and with these men, we may never know. They have some kind of sickness. 4) Move on. Heal. As a Christian and believer, I have realized that the only way to deal with the pain is to give it to God. I pray constantly, tell God my feelings, my thoughts, whatever is going on inside of me. I give it to him. I also pray for the man that hurt me. I prayer that he gets better and changes. As much as he hurt me, I still care. I want him to change. I want him to be a better man, a better father, and a better husband. I hope he realizes what he's done and sees how his actions have hurt the people around him. I hope he realizes the hurt he's done to me. I have done all I could to help him. I was good to him in all our relationship, and loved him with all I could. Now all I can do is pray. I hope he takes this situation and turns he's life around. I can only hope and pray. For all of you who have been through this, keep your head up. You are all beautiful and wonderful women. You did nothing wrong here. You just loved the wrong man. Next time, give your love to someone who deserves it and trust your instincts. Take care. report abuse
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