I have a wonderful girlfriend that I have been dating for 4 yrs. She is very outgoing and sweet - almost flirtatious.

She recently went back to college. She has met another male (older) class mate that she has had in her classes. He is very nice and has generously helped her with homework. They see each other almost every day and have a joking relationship. He still helps her a lot. I have only met him briefly.

She says that he is very nice - very smart and that she likes him a lot. She has told me that he has become her good friend. He has told her that he has a long distance girlfriend as well. He has told my girlfriend that she is a "very special friend" to him as well. He has also given her small gifts.

My girlfriend has told me that I have nothing to worry about - he is only a friend and nothing more. She has talked to him a lot about me and tells him that I am wonderful and that she loves me.

Recently she has been going out to lunch with him (alone) and with other male classmates and him - college buddies. This has made me uncomfortable - she feels that I am blowing it out of proportion but has told him that they need to stop hanging out as much because I do not understand their friendship. He agreed and said that he understood my feelings.

Obviously they will still see each other and study together and she said that they would still go out to lunch once in a while.

Am I over reacting to this relationship?
Should I meet with him and explain myself?
Should we all go out to lunch and get to know each other?
Leave it alone completely?

I am a jealous person - this type of situation does make me uncomfortable.

I know that she loves me - what should I do?

Response:

Romantic relationships play a special role in our lives – they are a source of support, love and companionship (see, healthy relationships).

With that said, however, it is also important to have relationships and connections with someone other than a romantic partner. Friendships are formed around similar interests and they provide people with much enjoyment, assistance, and a sense of loyalty (see, friendship on wikipedia). Having friends is critically important aspect of life (see, Cole and Teboul).

And in some cases, people form deep a deep friendship with someone of the opposite sex.

Based on the information provided, it doesn’t seem as if their relationship is anything but a friendship. And it sounds like your girlfriend and her friend are attempting to respect your feelings on the matter, but that they also want to continue their friendship.

Given the information provided, our best advice is to express how you feel (see, talk about problems), but do not try to limit their friendship. Trying to control what a partner does usually doesn’t work in the long term – it usually leads to anger and resentment (see, relationship dynamics).

You might also want to try getting to know him. Jealousy is caused by the threat of someone else trying to take a partner away from you. Maybe if you spend time together, you’ll get a better feel for what his intentions are. Perhaps this will help put your mind at ease.

And if you are a jealous person, it might be more useful to focus on those feelings rather than focus on your girlfriend’s friend. Jealousy can easily cause more problems in a relationship than an outsider can (see, dealing with jealousy).

You might also want to see our response to a past question - jealousy is pushing my husband away.

Hope it works out for the best.

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