I've been married for three years and we just had our second child together and I have a child from someone else that he raises as his own. I've been overly jealous and I know it's for no reason but I've already made matters worse by trying to make him jealous (before I found your website) and now he's withdrawn, which doesn't help out.

We used to work together and we always enjoyed it but I had to quit when he go promoted so now I stay home with the children. I am jealous of any time he doesn't spend with me which has caused me to be insecure and suspicious.

It's gotten to the point that he doesn't want to be around me because I'm always trying to corner him with absurd questions. This has been going on for almost six months shortly after I had our last child and now we've been arguing for the past month.

I talked to him about it today and he said I'm going to have to get over it because he can't put up with it any longer.

He's beyond the point where he can be reassuring. My apologies mean nothing anymore because I keep apologizing for the same thing.

He suggested that I go stay with a friend and I don't know if that would be beneficial or not. I'm afraid he won't miss me because right now I wouldn't even want to be around me.

Should I go or should I stay?

Response:

Relationships work best when they are fun and rewarding rather than full of tension. In fact, relationships work best when couples maintain a 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative interactions (see, Gottman). For every negative interaction you have, five positive interactions are needed to set things right.

Being chronically jealous makes it difficult, if not impossible, to interact in a positive and supportive manner. If you do not find ways to deal with your jealousy, it can ruin your relationship (see, overcoming jealousy and how to cope with a jealous partner).

Our best advice it to talk to your husband again. This time, however, rather than apologize to him, tell him that you are going to counseling and that you would like his support as you work through this issue (see, effective apology).

Moving out of the house is probably not going to solve the problem. Try to see if you and your husband can approach this problem together as a team (see, healthy relationships).

Can you and your husband work together toward the same goal - trying to help you get over your jealousy? This is typically the best way to handle such problems.

Hope this helps.

Comments (26)

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very jealous
written by Guest , 08 May, 2006

I can't stand that he talks to other women, or say "hi" to his co-workers. I made a scene yesterday and it really upset him. He told me if I keep it up he will move out. What do I do??

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Jealous
written by brenda , 03 January, 2007

I am very jealous also. Before finding this site I was blaming him for my feelings. But after reading some of this stuff I realize that I am my biggest problem. So you can bet that I am going to try to change my way of handling things. I just hope that I didn't find this site too late because I really love my guy, but I think he is starting to hate me.

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Jealously has reversed in my marriage
written by HELP ME PLEASE , 16 January, 2007

I have been with my wife for 12yrs 9mos. married for 8 years and have two children. Our oldest son 13 and the youngest is 6. For our entire relationship (up until 6mo ago) my wife has been extremely jealous of any co-workers or any females I have talked to, even her long time friends. She always said it was because when we first met I was married (I had already filed for divorce from 1st-no kids). For 12 yrs she would go through my wallet and car daily, constantly interrogate me and always checked my cell phone records. Additionally she would open all my mail before me and run to answer the phone first. 6mos ago I had enough, and went out with another woman that i had recently met and we talked about having sex but did not follow through. My wife found out and since then has been going out with her new single male (straight) and female (bi-sexual) party friends. She had initially lied to me about meeting with them while I was working, but I showed up and found them all partying together. Since then she has been leaving without me often to hang out with them. I recently insisted on coming with her to see for myself. I had fun partying but I felt uncomfortable with some of the activities going on. I since have become insanely jealous of her insistence to continue hanging out with the new crowd, especially during the day when I'm working. I never felt this way before and I always trusted her until she started to lie about this. I have tried to talk to her but she insists nothing is wrong, and I want to believe her but I can't. I have asked her if she wants to work this out but she won't give me a straight answer. Today she has told me she is going over there to help a friend. I am going out of my mind. I do however feel better reading on this site. It has helped me understand how things work between couples and provided me something else to think about.

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written by jealous isn't even the right word... , 09 May, 2007

i am so insanely jealous that it is completely ruining my relationship with the kindest, sensitive most loving man i have ever been with in my life. i am constantly snooping, calling to check on him and i yell at him when he even talks to a girl friend of his. i hate myself for being this way because i know i am jealous over NOTHING. get this, i am so jealous that i have convinced myself that he will turn on me and have since cheated on him to have the "upper hand" for when it does happen. i make myself sick and i don't deserve him.

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written by CORINNE123 , 27 May, 2008

My jealousy is ruining my relationship. I have been with my boyfriend over a year now and I do partly blame him for my problem as last year he broke up with me and I'm pretty sure something was going on with a girl he knew. Anyway though we got back together and things were great for a while, but the last couple of months I've gone mental. I'm jealous of any time he spends with anyone else, and if it's a woman well god help him! I love him so much but I know it's an unhealthy love and I don't know how much longer he's going to put up with me. He doesn't help matters by doing things like going out and bringing a random french girl back to a party afterwards. He claims it's completely innocent and he's just being friendly, which to be honest he probably is, and I know this, but I can't help myself from going mad and wondering what would have gone on if I hadn't been at the party too. I try and bite my tongue, I know what I say is ruining us but at the same time I refuse to be a walkover and sometimes I do think he should think before he does things coz he knows what I'm like and how it makes me feel. but then I see his point of view of why should he stop doing things that are completely innocent just because I have an irrational fear of it all. I can't cope with feeling like this for much longer, I just don't know what to do.

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written by PeachesDay , 11 July, 2008

I'm glad I'm not the only one who is like this I really thought I was going crazy.My husband is in jail and has been for almost two years now, I have not cheated on him Ever, today I spoke to him on the phone and lied and told him that before he went to jail I use to flirt, I went on a dates and all kind of other things but it wasn't true I said it to hurt him.He cheated on me but claims he didn't have sex with her, I saw it like this maybe he should know how it feels. Then before that he used to call his ex no matter how much we would fight he'll make me promises and still go right back an call her I believe that he was sleeping with her. Till this day I hate her I used to wish her dead cause I was so jealous of her and still am. Then his so called female friend, I believe he was banging her too. I don't trust him if I even see something on TV I might think he's doing it, If someone tells me their husband cheated I start thinking he's doing the same thing, I even thought he was having sex with the female guards in the jail you name "I've thought it" I cant watch Maury or Jerry cause I start tripping. I'm very Jealous and I almost can't control it anymore it's now turning into a rage. I'm afraid that when he gets out we are going to still keep fighting over this cause it's been two years and I still bring it up and I more than love my husband but I don't know how to let go I don't want to lose him.

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written by Phae , 20 November, 2008

What does jealousy give you? Do you get any happiness out of it? And what if you found out he was cheating? Would that make any difference? It would only hurt you. Just assume that if he was cheating, you couldn't do anything about it. So just assume he isn't, and try to be close to him and look in his eyes. When he touches you, do you feel like you are home? If so, stop worrying about the cheating and worry about how he is viewing you. You are making him feel unwelcome and hated. There is another phrase--" if the shoe fits, wear it". If you are going to be suspicious, he might just throw up his hands and finally do it just because he's already being crucified for it anyway. It may seem to you like you're being "cute" or showing him your love, but all he feels is coldness, and you don't want him to see you that way. Don't bother apologizing, just never do it again.

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written by Truthguy , 15 January, 2009

Man, I'm sorry for saying this but the lady that said that she cheated on her husband to show that she's the "leading half" or something like that is a b****. To do that to your husband for your stupidity is messed up. Like seriously

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written by AnAwfulWife , 18 January, 2009

Jealousy doesn't get you nowhere. I think I just ruined my marriage because of it. I actually went over to his female friends house and punched her right in the face for no reason. Just because I thought she was taking my husband from me. It's not like my husband didn't tell me where he was going or was trying to hide anything. He tells me everytime when he is going to hang out with her, when he calls her, etc... I have even hung out with her myself and she is actually a nice person. But I just got so preoccupied by these jealous thoughts and let it overcome everything. Now he is so upset with me and said that he should have actually @#$% her so at least there would be some justification for it. I have pushed him away so much. Don't let jealousy ruin your relationship. Being jealous is just going to push your partner away.

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written by Shadow wife , 10 May, 2009

Well here i am i think im jealous but im jealous over my husband deceased wife. when i type that it makes me sick. i married my husband now who lost his wife. and i think the reason i do is because he talks so much about her and still has many pictures of her around not to mention some of her clothing im in there home so most of it is the things they had i have some thing but lost most of what i owned in a fire.he was married to her for many years i guess it would just be nice if he would talk about us.

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written by Jealous Wife , 27 August, 2009

I get so jealous all the time when I see women on my husbands myspace or facebook and make him delete them when I know I have male friends on my 2 different sites also, but I think I try to make it ok for me to have male friends and not ok for him to have female friends because I tell him all the women on his friends list are either women he had slept with when he was younger or they are a lot slimmer than me and also half naked where as my male friends are just that friends and fully clothed, am I crazy to think that I am in the right here seeing that I told him I don't care if he has girls as friends just make sure they are fully clothed and that he hasn't slept with them...

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written by Depresdgal , 06 September, 2009

Hey ppl. Cnt believe dis is such a common problem. Its so sad :-(. I wish these horrible feelings wud go away. My husband says im driving him away wid my insecurities. But cn we help it? If i dnt want him 2 tawk 2 anuda woman is it so wrong? What hurts more than nethng is da fact that they continue doing it. Be4 dis i neva had a serious relationship. I admit im insecure, bt i tawt if sum1 loves u its unconditional. Gues theres 2 many of us living in fantasia. I feel like leaving him because da hurt turns 2 an unquenchable rage.

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written by I_Hate_Myself_For_It , 14 October, 2009

I am also a very jealous wife. I get jealous of time he spends with people other than me. I snoop, question and accuse often. It doesn't help that he is a liar. He lies about going shopping or to lunch with people, and God knows what else. I know I am insecure, I think he's going to find someone else that catches his eye and he's gonna cheat. I think of all the worse things he could do to hurt me and it's driving me insane. I want to stop, but I'll do ok for a few days or even weeks and then fall into it again. It is making me and making him miserable. He says he's tired of it and that it makes him not want to be around me. I feel so horrible and desperate. HOW DO I STOP FEELING THIS WAY???

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written by Tryin2fixme , 05 November, 2009

I'm on the same boat as everyone here. I can't help but to be insanely jealous. It's uncontrollably jealous. I go nuts making up scenarios of what my husband might be doing. It's driving him crazy and I am trying so hard to stop. It's nice to know that other people deal with this. I just hope there is hope for us to change. I feel like an ugly person because of this Problem . Good luck everyone.

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written by disappointed , 08 November, 2009

My husband goes out for a drink after work and likes to stay up until late. The problem I have is that he is usually only 1 guy with his female coworkers. He is also only married guy at his work. He argues that he is being a big brother to them. (one of his female coworkers also told me that my husband just takes care of everyone) I don't like this and I have told him about my feelings. He promised that he won't stay out late... lets say like after 3am.. but last friday, he came home after 5 am. He says that he doesn't do anything wrong.
I know that he went out with all of his coworkers but then he probably was drinking with one of his female coworkers who recently broke up with her fiance.
Why does he care about so much to other female coworkers relationship problems as he is old brother to them, but not to his own wife's relationship problem with himself?
Do I really have a jealousy issue?

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written by jealous wife , 17 November, 2009

i am ruining my marriage as we speak over this jealous stuff i have a 3 month old with my husband and i gained weight which i am big to begin with doesn't help anything and i accuse my husband of everything and i know in my heart he is trust worthy but i keep thinking all this crap in my head that he is doing but really not doing. i am pushing him away to the point i put him out because i am so jealous and think he can do better than me. i need help

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written by n8 , 04 December, 2009

My wife is jealous of any time I spend outside of her sight. Today I went to class at the college and had to leave an hour early to get a few things done in the computer lab. She grilled me over and over and now I feel worn out and tired. I then get home and read a document on the computer. Titled "life" which reads

"I hate life and wish it would be over soon. There is nothing to live for when you feel so unloved and alone.
"

She does this on a weekly basis. Flips out and gets over depressed over nothing. Its been going on since we were married 5 years ago. I can't take it anymore because I really need a positive environment and she does not want to change.

I am going to counseling. She dropped out because she said "she doesnt have anything to talk about" we have talked countless hours about it but nothing changes.

I don't think we are going to stay together. But in a way I feel much more confidant about my life knowing that I can move on and I do not have to be held back by others insecurities.

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written by Kichy , 20 December, 2009

I recently checked my wife's cell phone for messages, where a girlfriend of ours invites my wife to go out on a girls night out and tells her that a guy "invited her and told her to bring girls", one of them being my wife.
I immediately felt depressed and this went on for four days before I had the courage to confront my wife and asked her what is going on. She told me I was being paranoid, that in fact she had told that girl friend she has hesitant to come to the party as she is not single and would be ditched by the single girls attending.
This happened yesterday afternoon, and my wife just hasn't been the same. I know that I hurt her and disappointed her greatly.
I am considering attending counseling because I hate feeling this way and I do not want to wreck my marriage.
To all of you, men and women who visit this site. GET HELP. The problem is ours with our little or non-existent self-esteem. The most important person in your life should be YOU; and once you achieve that love for the person that you are you will see how others can love you. You do not need to live in fear and pain.

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written by uglybutt , 10 February, 2010

my husband is a nurse and works with all females. I can't measure up to their manicured nails and coiffed hair. We rarely have sex, but he sure does enjoy masturbating while looking at these same types of women online. If he would just hug me sometimes I think I could make it.

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written by donno wt 2 do , 10 March, 2010

Am so confused.I got married at 21,was an arranged marriage.My hubby is really a nice person and loves me,but his past haunts me.he had an affair with a girl with whom he was just being friends after our marriage and all their mails and smses made me crazy.It seemed like they both miss each other till now and the most pathetic part is that I didn't have a hint about all this b4 marriage when we were seeing each other as in our courtship time.As I confided every bits of my past to him,I expected him 2 do the same b4 getting married.........and this pains me,really a lot....I also found out another woman's photographs on my honeymoon and when I questioned him,he said they were about to get married bt eventually they broke up.I just can't convince myself.I've tried numerous times to explain myself that there's nothing wrong wt my hubby.....bt!!!Plsssss help me. I'm so insecure right nw that sometimes I get infuriated even at the slightest of the issues and my marriage is at stake. Plsssss suggest me wt 2 do.

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written by sexy but not sure anymore , 16 March, 2010

I'm an overly jealous wife that accuses my hubby every time he walks thru that door. The times when I accuse him is wen he dont answer my calls or texts me back. He also gives this guy that tried to make my hubby cheat on me one night and it almost worked. I hate him with a passion but yet my hubby tells me the only reason why he gives him rides is because it's his job. Well I tried asking my hubby whos his wife and he gets really upset with me and hates arguing. I'm wanting to leave him before he cheats on me but when I tell him that I want to leave him, he always sweet talks me into staying. I'm always smelling his thing wen he gets back from work too. And if it smells the same from wen he left than i have nothing to worry about but its wen it smells like he washed it then thats wen the jealousy will hit. but thank god i havent gone thru that. I think i'm gonna try counseling and if that dont help out our marriage then I cant be in this hurtful relationship. Good luck to everyone who has the same problem.

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written by CraZee HeArT , 19 March, 2010

Wow....it's good 2 know that there are other women out there whom i share those thoughts and fears....i swear i thought i was the only 1....good to know i'm not the only one.....ladies stay strong....peace and tranquility

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written by abused husband , 14 April, 2010

My wife just walked out last week with her 2 kids and left me and my 2 boys. My first wife died 11 years ago and I remarried only 2 years ago. This last wife and I were together for 4 years and we deeply loved each other. About 6 months into the relationship she became jealous of my dead wife. She started to look through boxes, drawers, everywhere. I had to remove all my late wife's pictures and anything else that reminded her of my late wife. It got worse then that. I and all my friends and kids couldn't talk about my late wife, any past events and I was forced to disassociate with my old friends for fear that she would hear reminders of my late wife. I had to pretend my past didn't exist. Just a few months before we got married, my to be wife, laid out before 4 pictures of men she had dated before me. She continuously searched through my belongings. We had many blow ups over this as I couldn't comprehend why she thought this way. I recently wrote a letter to some people revealing this story and in doing so I finally realized how much pent up inner frustration and emotion I had retained for the last 3 years. I actually feel very relieved that she is gone.

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written by This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it , 23 June, 2010

WOW. This is crazy. I see that I am not the only with jealousy problems. They are killing my 2.5 year relationship with my boyfriend. We are on the verge of a break up and I really need to change. I just hope I can. It is draining, for both me and him. I don't like being insanely jealous of anything and i know there is not a point but to me its almost like I have control. It's bad. Good luck to us all.

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written by loveygail , 26 June, 2010

i am married for 4mon and i hated myself most for being so jealous over my husband's past girls..it keeps bothering me for all time and makes me paranoid. we oftentimes get to quarrel about nothing and fights would all end up into tears. one time, like today, i almost slap him on his face because of the bad feeling i felt. he starts to yell at me, saying things that makes me feel cheap. i dont know why but that's the result of my being so rude and jealous about nothing.

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written by thinking differently , 27 June, 2010

I think jealousy stems from people who have too much free time!! Get involve with some hobbies and make yourself do interesting things.

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