I have been married for 34 years. Two years ago, my wife admitted that she allowed an old boyfriend to have sex with her just 3 months before we married and whilst we were engaged. Apparently it only happened once.

Needless to say I was shocked, devastated, hurt and went through all the emotions expected with such betrayal.

She also said that she had never done this again and had been faithful to me ever since we married. She also says that she cannot remember much about the affair as it had happened so long ago and she tried to forget about it as she felt so guilty.

16 months have passed since this revelation and yet I have not been able to forget about it or put it out of my mind - I think about it constantly everyday - nor have I been able to forgive her!

My previous unconditional trust in her has been completely destroyed.

Is this kind of reaction normal? What can I do to forget about the situation?

I will mention that I have been totally faithful to her since I fell in love with her 36 years ago and I still love her very much!

Response:

Your situation is very common. Dealing with the discovery of infidelity is very difficult to do, even in cases like yours, where the cheating occurred a long time ago.

To begin with, romantic relationships are so complicated because they are driven by competing emotions. The desire to cheat, even if people do not act on this desire, is a fundamental part of our human nature (see, why people cheat).

On the other hand, jealousy is also a fundamental aspect of our human nature. Jealousy is designed to keep spouses from cheating. Jealousy prompts individuals to guard their mates – to keep an eye out for infidelity.

In your case, your wife cheated on you a long time ago, but it still triggers a fundamental jealous response (fear, loss, anger, and sadness). And while both sexes are equally jealous, men, in particular, have a more difficult time coping with a wife’s sexual infidelity.

The best way to deal with jealousy is to talk to your wife about how you are feeling. If you do not talk to her about your feelings, you will most likely act in ways that are counterproductive to your relationship (see, living with suspicion).

Talking about feelings is the best way to move beyond them. But, when talking about your feelings, it is important not to attack or blame your wife for what she has done. If you focus on her behavior, it will only pull the two of you further apart (see, talk about problems).

But, if you can talk to your wife about how you are feeling AND she makes you feel understood, with time your feelings about the situation will begin fade. Most likely, your feelings will never go away completely, but if dealt with directly they will not be as intense or have as negative an impact on your relationship (also see, surviving infidelity and information on cheating wives).

Comments (16)

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written by kencoza , 07 April, 2006

Thanks for this advice - I am trying what you suggest. I hope it will work!

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written by gina Rundle , 27 May, 2007

I know and understand all the emotions you feel towards your wife as a year an half ago I to discovered that my husband cheated on me 7yrs ago and then I then discovered that he'd been sending text messages on a phone he had lent to my 13yr old daughter I truly understand how this effects you I hope that you and I find peace of mind.

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written by Patrick D , 30 July, 2007

My wife went out all night last Friday with an old friend in the Marine Corps and returned at 6:00am. I was suspicious from the start but she started getting upset and crying the next day. She told me that she kissed him and I handled it quite well considering the circumstances. Later on that evening she told me she performed oral sex on him and I started to shake and had a overwhelming feeling of emotion. She is giving me a believable display of emotion and sorrow for the actions taken but since this man is an officer, I believe that military law should punish this individual because he has broken the MCMJ law and had a behavior that is unbecoming an officer. I will forgive her but the trust is in relative dismay -I cannot look at her without suspicion from this point on. After a 1.5 year positive relationship I feel betrayed and have a strong desire to exit the marriage completely -I still have the feelings though. This is going to be a challenge and resolve but I do feel that justice should be served due to because he convinced her of false promises for a future that is false and deceiving.

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written by Dennis2006 , 11 November, 2007

I just realize my wife has always had friend with benefits and has this pattern now for the 3rd time. What she calls "a friend" is the reason her relationships always end. This time she used me to get residence for her and her two kids and she fool everyone. She fooled me from the first date. She was a gold digger. She knew what to do and she is now she using the law to take advantage of me.

There's little known about women in 3rd world countries that are preying on USA citizens for a better life. Never marry without a prenup. I learned the hard way.

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written by Dennis2006 , 11 November, 2007

Divorce her. It will never work. I forgave my wife too many times. And she still believes that what she does is ok. She lies so well that it puts you under a spell. My wife convinced me that it is ok to flirt with men and so on. I should of divorced her from the first month I found out she always had a friend with benefits. I stayed for 3yrs putting up with her because she used her beauty and sex to fix everything.

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written by sonny30 , 13 January, 2008

Hi me and my wife have been together for almost 6 years we got marry 6 months ago then the day after x-mas I found out she cheated on me 3 yrs ago we had a big fight and now my family hates her I don't know what to do she told me not to call her but then she tries to call me I get it we have a child together and she is using him against me to and she is holding what my family has done against me what should I do she still says she loves me but we are living apart now... please help.

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written by Cantgetanid , 16 March, 2008

Hi. Me and my Fiance have been together for 3-4 years and are getting married next month in April and I work in the oil patch so I'm gone for 4 weeks and back for 2 weeks. I just found out last month that my fiance was seeing an old fling that lasted about 3 weeks she told me she slept with him once and she pushed him away in the end cause she wanted to be with me she told that she did what she did cause she felt lonely and wanted me to come home but I have a set schedule for work where I can't just leave unless its an family emergency now that I know of this. I'm not sure what to do I've been totally faithful all 4 years and the wedding is coming up. I'm not sure if I should go through it or not she tells me shes really sorry and that the guilt kills her. I'm in a pickle and if you can give me some advice that would be great. I love her so much and she claims the same. I just never thought this would ever happen to me.

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written by Alfred , 03 April, 2009

Girlfriend/wife/soulmate of 10 years (living together/working together since high school) cheated on me. I was a fucked up person in all aspects of life (no emo exaggeration); but I loved her and she was the reason for my reformation of values where I treated other humans as people, not just obstacles in my way. Though initially I tried to forgive her for the cheating (multiple times with people I knew), I cannot as the cheating was compounded with prolonged deception and other lies.

She actually apologized to the guy she cheated on me with when I (non violently) confronted him. She maintains she loves me and does not want to live without me, and ironically there is evidence in our relationship to support that. However, I cannot reconcile her actions with her current devotion to me. Thus I want her to leave me now but she refuses. I still love her so its hard for me to physically remove her from my life. I just want her to be happy with someone else as there is no future for/with me.

I dont want to embarrass her by calling the cops or her family to remove her from my house/life. Despite my description of her, she is still one of the most wonderful people Ive had the luck to encounter. I understand she made a mistake but her actions after it and my nature have destroyed any chance of our relationship.

Please advise,

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written by Miquel rogers , 20 April, 2009

I had to do the same many years ago.

No need for all the drama, police etc.

That will be present, when you walk out the door.

Peace be with you.

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written by DDrewski , 01 May, 2009

its going to take some strength on your part but you can't continue to let her drag you down. I'd be willing to bet that with her out of your life, numerous things you never expected will start looking up.

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written by nose , 10 September, 2009

My wife of 34 years announced she cheated 24 of the first 30 with my so called friends. She initiated every one of the 6 encounters. I traveled most of the time and had no clue that she could even think of cheating. I never cheated on her but had many chances. In her case, she is a child sexual abuse victim and there is no doubt the abuse drove her into the affairs. You may be dealing with a similar issue. In our case, we have tried to work things out the last 4 years but she lies constantly to the point I cannot deal with the lies. I've had to give up and separate for now and most likely divorce. Good luck !

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written by what? , 29 October, 2009

Once your wife has cheated, she will find it easier to do so again. It is better to simply move on and find another woman - before your wife ends up giving you an STD.

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written by Rlharr , 30 December, 2009

My wife has a history of cheating, in her first marriage she cheated for 15 of their 20 years. Now three weeks after our wedding she was back with one of her "partners". I did not find out about her past until after we were married. I would love to tell all her friends about what she did to me and to her first husband. What should I do?

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written by Distroyed , 13 January, 2010

My wife told me she cheated on me after 12 years of marriage and we lived together for 5 years prior. She stated she left a lesbian relationship and started sleeping with a man she shared a home with. She slept with him at least three times yet can not remember his name. We have three children together and I learned aside from a cheat she also lies. I tried to seek help but no realize I need to make a choice of being unhappy and continue to live with her for the sake of the kids (12, 10 and or to get a piece of mind and leave her. If we break up she will most likely make it ugly. Any advice?

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written by Name , 03 April, 2010

Tell her what you feel about the incidence and what you feel for her. Ask her if you did the same what will be her response. Don't ask for promise only, but changes in life style if she wants to continue.

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written by blinded with love , 04 May, 2010

I have been married to the same woman for 14 years. I was working in Afghanistan when I was chatting with her on the internet and suddenly I felt something was wrong (I felt this before but didn't react on it). So, I asked her the dreaded question, 'did you cheat on me?'. After several moments of waiting for the response she said 'yes'. I spent the next two weeks getting sick and wanting to die. I got an emergency ride back to the US so that I could be with her. I have been home now for about two weeks and it has been one very bad roller coaster. My problem right now is not in forgiveness but in trust. She tells me that it was a one night stand and she didn't intend to hurt me. I really don't understand that statement from her. I don't want to believe any of this is real. I hear about this from others all the time, but I thought our marriage was sold enough that this sort of thing would never happen to us. This is a wake up call to all those who believe in true LOVE. Satan is among us and he is winning the war. However, I am a strong believer in faith and Satan will not draw me from God. My wife and I are still trying to work things out. Please pray for us. Thank you.

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