I phoned my girlfriend early one morning, looking for my friend only to find out that he had spent the night with her in her apartment.

I asked her why he spent the night and if they have had sex. At first she did not answer me and I asked her again.

Then she told me she didn't feel she needed to answer because she was not guilty and nothing had happened.

I asked my friend the same thing and he also told me nothing had happened.

They both stated that he was too tired to drive home after helping her move items all day and therefore she offered him to spend the night.

They also told me that he slept on top of the covers and she slept under the covers. Of course I found this impossible to believe. The distance they lived apart was about 20 miles.

Would you please share your reactions with me about this situation?

Response:

It is impossible to tell what may or may not have happened between your friend and your girlfriend. The story they are telling may be the truth. Or maybe something did happen. Most likely, you will never know for sure.

If something did happen, you will most likely hear about it when someone wants to hurt you - if your girlfriend or your friend becomes really upset with you - people often tell the truth out of anger and spite.

But, if something did happen, you are unlikely to find out about it by asking a lot of questions. Asking questions is one of the worst ways to get at the truth. In fact, it often has the opposite effect. Asking questions often forces people into telling a lie that they would not have normally told (see, invasive questions).

Given that you may never really know what really happened, it is best to focus on the things that you can fix.

From our perspective, the real issue to be resolved is your lingering doubts and suspicions. Doubts and suspicions, if not directly dealt with can ruin a relationship very quickly. Having doubts and suspicions will influence your interpretation of events and your reactions to others (see, impose beliefs).

If you are suspicious, everything that happens between you and your girlfriend may be viewed in a negative light. So it may help to see the section on how to deal with doubts and suspicion (see, overcoming jealousy).

Follow-up Question:

(Note: The relationship has been over for a while)

I was thinking about incidents that have taken place between me and my girlfriend a while ago that may help me see where I made my mistakes.

She was always very friendly around people and often hugged or kissed other men as she greeted them. At that time I felt bothered by her actions and told her so, but it didn't take long before it became an argument. She told me that I only "saw what I wanted to see" in her actions? I told her that she was disrespectful to me and I didn't like it.

Another time we fought about a weekend business trip she was taking with two other men whom she barely knew. I told her that I was very uncomfortable with this arrangement, but she was very determined to go. We argued of course, but she went anyway and to this day I'll probably never know what happened that weekend.

This was the same girl that I was suspicious of having slept with my best friend in "girlfriend may have cheated". I still think about these incidents and I try to see where my mistakes were made. It seems obvious now, but I would like to get some feed back about these incidents.

Response:

Relationships are difficult, because “how we perceive events” greatly influence how we react (see, self deception).

But with that said, our perceptions may be accurate or they may be way off the mark. And it is almost impossible to tell, if we are seeing things correctly or not (this is what makes life so interesting as well – there is always more than one point of view in any given situation).

In the situations you describe, it could be possible that your girlfriend was just an extremely friendly person (see, flirting).

And you fought over these issues because she didn’t feel that she was doing anything wrong. Perhaps your girlfriend did not she think she should have to change her personality to suit your insecurities. On the other hand, maybe your girlfriend was cheating, and she got defensive because you were accusing her of something that she felt guilty about.

Both explanations are plausible. The truth is always difficult to discover.

Regardless of what really happened, however, one thing is certain. Insecurities can ruin a relationship. It is impossible to have close, healthy relationship when a spouse or partner is feeling insecure or jealous. Moreover, if not dealt with, people usually carry their insecurities from one relationship to the next.

It is important to learn how to deal insecurities and jealousy in the moment rather than letting them control the future (see, living with suspicion).

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