I've abused someone or been abused.
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Saturday, 20 May 2006 |
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My new boyfriend asked about my formative years with men. I evaded the question and am ashamed. My father was an abusive alcoholic and I always felt somehow to blame for the situation. I've tried to put the past behind me. Am I obligated to tell him about my father? It is painful and I don't wish to discuss it. My father is dead (so is my mother) and I want to go on to have a happy life with this man free from the ghosts of the past. I've been in therapy and don't feel he needs to know about it - it's my business. Is this okay? |
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Wednesday, 01 March 2006 |
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When I was five or six years old I don't remember now, I went to spend the night with one of my friends who was probably two or three years older than me and she wanted to play "Romeo and Juliet" at the time I didn't know what that was or even who they were. She wanted me to get on top of her and dry hump her like we were husband and wife, I did. From then on up until I was probably 12 or 13 me and all of my friends would play and mess with each other in sexual perverted ways. When I was 12 I was molested by my grandfather ( my dad's dad). I used to sit with him on the couch, he would be reading a book and he would touch me. This went on for about a year. I grew up in a house where there was constant arguing and fighting. I found out at the age of 15 from my half sister that my own father had molested and raped her when she was only SEVEN years old!!!! I come from a messed up family and it has shown in my own relationship with my husband. I don't express my feelings to him and I don't share my problems, I bottle them up inside! I am ashamed to tell him anything about my past! |
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Friday, 24 February 2006 |
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My boyfriend has hit and kicked me hard enough that I have actually had to go to the hospital because of it. |
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Monday, 05 December 2005 |
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I have seen and lived through all kinds of abuse. I witnessed my father beating my mother when I was a little girl. When I was in kindergarden, my babysitter told me about sex and she used to take me out into her shed and she showed me how to masterbate, she never touched me, but it still bothers me. When I was in first grade I used to masterbate with my stuffed animals. Then in second grade my parrents seperated and me and my little sister lived with my mom, she was always drinking and there were party's at our house almost every night. One night a drunken couple came into the room that me and my little sister shared and kicked her out of her bed and into mine so that they could have sex in it. My grandmother told my father what was going on and so he came and kidnapped us and sent us to live with his parrents all the way accross the country. While my father was away doing his job training or school or whatever, my grandfather started to molest me. I would lay on the couch with him and watch movies and he would touch me. I used to lay with him and I couldn't wait for my little sister to fall asleep because It felt good what my grandfather did to me. To this day, I still feel sick and disgusted and ashamed of that. He would touch me and eventually he raped me. I remember one night he took me out onto the couch in the dark living room and asked me what I wanted him to do to me and he gave me options, I don't remember all of what he said, but I remember that he took my silk pajama bottoms off and spread my legs and went down on me. I WAS ONLY SEVEN YEARS OLD!!! To this day I feel uncomfortable and ashamed of sex. I can't wear satin or silk because it makes me feel sick. After two years of this sexual abuse, my father came and got me and my sister and the three of us moved to another state. I never told my father what happened, but I remember I used to crawl into bed with him at night, hoping that he would touch me like my grandfather did. He never did, but he did other things to me. He used to beat the crap out of me and seclude me from my little sister and my friends. He kept me locked up in my room except for school and the babysitters. The worst beating I ever got from him was because of something that I did when I was eight or nine years old and to this day the shame stays with me. Everyday after school, the school bus would drop me and my sister off at the babysitters. And me and the babysitters daughter who was the same age as me used to play house and kiss each other and pretend to be a husband and wife and pretend to have sex. One day her mom caught us and told my dad about it. When we got home that night he called me names and picked me up by the scruff of my neck and threw me down the stairs. Then he threw me into my room and threw the bible at me and told me to read it and repent my sins. When I was a little girl when I lived with my fathers parrents I had a friend who was in the same class as me and she used to come over and we used to play house and kiss and play with each other. I have always been very ashamed of my sexuality, I feel dirty and ugly and bad. Up until I met my husband, every sexual relationship that I had, I would feel physically ill about it afterwards and I would end up pushing the guy away. But now with my husband my sex life has been difficult for me because I still struggle with those feelings of shame. The only time I can orgasm is when I am alone when he is at work and I masterbate. It feels good when we make love most of the time, but I can't orgasm with him and it makes me sad. I fake it and lie to him because I don't want to hurt his feelings, I don't want him to think that he's inadequate. Sometimes I feel like I'm being used, sometimes it hurts, sometimes I cry when my husband makes love to me, and sometimes I want to be hurt. Sometimes I just want my husband to be mean to me and rape me and beat me, I don't know why. I just feel so ashamed and unworthy. I disgust myself for how good it felt and how special I felt when my grandfather did those things to me. And when I was thirteen years old me and my younger cousin played with one another. It was a mutual thing, but because I was a couple of years older than him, I feel responsible and I'm affraid that I'm a monster just like my grandfather. I don't have sexual feelings towards children or anything...... but everyone always says that people who have been abused are twice as likely to abuse their own children. I'm so affraid to have children because of that. What if I beat them or worse? It is hard for me to enjoy sex because I always feel ashamed or ugly or used. I hate having to lie to my husband, I hate faking it, but I don't know what else to do. |
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Tuesday, 08 November 2005 |
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I was abused as a young woman by the only man I could trust - my father.
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