| I think my wife is having an emotional affair |
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I think my wife of 22yrs is involved in an emotional affair... or maybe I’m just being paranoid. She has kept up a long time friendship with a high school friend. They were never romantically connected, but close confidants. He has been divorced for a long time and is living far from us. They have kept in contact for most of 30yrs, generally a few times a year (10 –15) over the phone and E-mail. In Oct of this year he was in our area on business, and they met for dinner (which she told me about). My concern starts after that meeting because their contact (phone & email) has increased to weekly or more. But what has me most concerned is my wife is trying very hard to keep this from me now… changing passwords, deleting caller-id, etc. A couple of weeks ago I began to record phone conversations, when I realized she was working so hard to keep the contact from me. I feel awful for doing this but I needed to know what was going on. In the few conversations, mostly small talk, but he is definitely trying to move the conversation to a more intimate level (suggesting massages, dinners, etc). My wife does not seem to encourage this stream of conversation but she doesn’t end it either. There is a certain air of possibility to it. So to get to my question, my wife and I are getting along great right now, but this is really bothering me, with no sign of slowing down. Should I confront her and how should I do it? And are my concerns legit? Response: It can be troubling when a spouse starts to hide his or her contact with someone else. But, that does not necessary mean that your wife is having an emotional affair. She could simply be hiding her contact with him because she wants to avoid your questions and disapproval (see, when spouses lie). And from what you've overheard, it doesn't sound like they have expressed feelings for each other, which would be much more problematic (see, online affairs) With that said, however, it is important to deal with your concerns whether they are completely founded or not. If not addressed, suspicion tends to come out in other (mostly negative) ways (see, living with suspicion). So, our advice is to bring the issue up now, rather than wait until it becomes a larger problem. And we suggest raising the issue by focusing on how you’ve been feeling, not her behavior. Try not to think of it has a confrontation, but rather as an attempt to get her to empathize with your point of view (see, talk about problems). Moreover, if you focus on your feelings, not her actions, you may not have to reveal that you’ve been monitoring what she does, which can lead to whole new set of problems (see, ethical to spy on a spouse). If you talk to her, she may not necessarily tell you what’s been going on, but hopefully she will hear what you have to say and it will influence how she interacts with him in the future.
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written by Jan1209 , 22 December, 2006
I understand how you feel... really. If you read my story on My Husband and Best Friend Hid Things From Me. You will see I have been in the same situation. My husband says he had nothing for my friend other than she was "our friend." He didn't hide phone calls from me but he didn't tell me about them either. Emotional affair or not.... it was wrong and I feel betrayed by them both. In a marriage neither the husband or wife should ever take the chance of hurting the other one's feelings or causing such doubt that it makes you wonder if anything really is going on. Believe me snoop all you want to and don't feel bad about it. Had I snooped a little bit earlier I would have been enlightened much sooner and caused myself a lot less grief.
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written by Mickbic , 24 December, 2006
I am not sure quite how to respond to this, having lived in highly nuanced views of polyamory. I have agape type committments to two very monogamous women. These are till death do us part. If they are hiding anything whatsoever from their husbands, the relationships would implode immediately.
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written by :ASG , 28 December, 2006
Well, I spoke to my wife, and she maintains the position that they are old friends. She, was keeping it from me because I had begun to disapprove of the relationship, and she did not want to upset me. She felt badly that I was hurt, and reassured me that nothing inappropriate was happening. She did agree to limit contact. Well, I guess I'll see what comes of it. I know he is coming on to her more outwardly. I'm wondering if I need to have a "conversation" with him? I don't want to let on how much I know right now though. Any suggestions? Thanks for the previous Comments.
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written by Expert , 28 December, 2006
Our best advice, now that you've expressed your feelings to your wife, and she's responded appropriately - is to let her handle the situation. If you contact him at this point in time, there is no way to predict how he might respond (see, Contacting the Other Person). At the very least, he is likely to tell your wife that you contacted him, and she will feel betrayed. You came to her with a problem, but then you didn't trust her to take care of it? And you never want to do anything that would create a sense that it has turned into a "them" versus "you" type situation. So, again our best advice is to get your wife on your side, by expressing your feelings, and let her take care of the rest. Hope this helps.
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written by Chris (Ann Arbor) , 22 June, 2007
I don't mean to automatically generate suspicion... but if there's one thing I learned, it was that if they know YOU well enough, it's easy to throw you off their trail, because they will know what would work the best.. The reason I say that is because I've been there with my fiance. The cheater tends to get more sophisticated in their concealing of involvement. I was called "paranoid" "insecure" "smothering" and all sorts of things when I started asking questions. I got a huge wall of defensive measures, but no proof to the contrary. It is my unfortunate opinion that the only way to tell is to investigate, all heels, ethical of not... as far as you can possibly go. It may not seem like a trusting activity on your part, but if I see red flags going up, I'd rather see the Dear John letter coming, than to get blindsided by a painful locomotive while my guard is down.
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written by Andrew (Indiana) , 09 October, 2007
I have had much the same thing happen to me. We had been drifting apart over the past eighteen months and then my wife tracked down an old high school friend and began calling him and he her. They had never been anything but friends however she did have a crush on him in high school. I told them both I did not mind if it was once and awhile so it would not lead into anything more. That was fine to begin with for the first couple of months. Then the phone calls became two to three a week for several months these calls were on her cell phone and they sent pictures also, nothing unusual. When I checked the phone bill and confronted my wife about it and asked her if anything was going on she told me the same thing ??they were just old friends talking about their kids and old times?. She agreed that the number of phone calls broke our agreement and she would stop. This was fine for several weeks then she began text messaging him on her cell phone a lot. Most of this happened when I was asleep because she worked nights and he drove a Semi mostly at night. The text messaging began to be flirtatious ??like they did in high school?. Then one night in September she got out of bed and told me not to go to sleep she would be right back. She didn??t come back for hours so I knew something was wrong. I finally could not take it and got up and checked her phone. She had deleted almost all of her text messages but three when there over one hundred before. I then checked her picture mail and found that she had sent a very explicit picture of herself to him. Needless to say things went bad from there. I am trying to find away to trust her again and her suffering from Bipolar Disorder complicates the events and our healing. She still says that she was not and does not have feelings for him but I can??t believe her on this. I did talk to him and he said the same thing ??I thought we were talking like old friends and kidding around. The picture caught me off guard and did not know what to think of it. I swear I will never talk to your wife again and I am sorry.? I later found out that beginning earlier that day her pictures to him began to be provocative and escalated in their nature to the first one I found which was the most explicit. From my experience if you think something is going one it is at least to some degree if not worse.
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written by GoingInsane Aj , 20 February, 2008
I have been gullible my whole "dating" life and throughout my marriage... Just don't turn a blind eye when all the signs are beating you over the head!
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written by Eddie , 02 May, 2008
My wife did not recognize or at least admit that she was having an emotional affair until more than a year after I first confronted her with it. She believed that she was not doing anything wrong. I finally showed her an article I found and she read it. She stopped the contact with this coworker but never really allowed my back into her life. She still believes that the problems in our marriage caused her to have this emotional affair. I feel that until she can fully understand the impact these affairs have, we will never be able to get over it. I love her but feel like I can never trust her again.
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written by DK , 06 May, 2008
My ex-husband still doesn't see he had an emotional affair with a co-worker. Who btw just happened to get divorced right before us and within 6 months they were actually dating? We would have been married 30 years when the divorce happened have grown children and grand children. I always knew in the back of my mind that I was too trusting. It's been EXTREMELY hard, but I have chosen to not be angry or bitter (although some days I can't help it) and to be basically friends with him. I decided all the anger and bitterness was just eating at me and not doing anything to him. I blame her as much, if not even more. She crossed lines that as a married woman you do not cross. I told my ex that. He is still clueless. They are both very intelligent people and should have known better. Out of two divorces I feel like I am the only victim. It turns out her ex-husband was having an affair. Even though I have been told there was no affair (physical--the jury is still out on that one as far as I'm concerned), I explained to him that an emoti8onal affair was in some ways more painful. He distanced himself from me emotionally and started sharing things with her instead of me. If it was just sex. that can get old real quick! I told him that you do reap what you sow and there are consequences to your actions.
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written by Broken Heart in Georgia , 23 January, 2009
Sounds like I am about to go thru this. We have been together for four years, married almost 1 1/2 years. We started drifting after the marriage. I still love her, but I don't trust her. She has given me too many reasons. I found her in the car with a guy friend TWICE, SAME DAMN GUY! She claims nothing was going on, but I know better.
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Divorce is imminent!   report abuse
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written by James J. , 27 March, 2009
I found out that my wife of 15 years was calling a co worker on her cell phone behind my back for several months. I found out by looking at cell phone records. Not knowing I knew she was talking to him, she told me one night that a coworker was fired because he was caught kissing another coworker. I then confronted her and asked her if she had ever called him. She denied calling him several times before I informed her that I saw she had been talking to him from cell records. She couldnt give me an answer why she lied several times. She said she didnt know why she called him. Doing more checking I found out that she had been talking to him for a year behind my back. This same co worker was having problems in his marriage. I confronted her and him and they both said it was as friends. I kept looking at cell records from a year previous and found out that she had been talking to my brother also several times during the day while at work and at night when I wasnt around. Confronted her about this and still she couldnt give an answer why she was calling them. Before finding this looking back she was always gone quite a bit until late. In the 15 years we been married I always trusted my wife, but now I dont know what to think. Not know whether she cheated on me or not most especially one of them being my brother. This has got my emotions going crazy. Any comments or advice would be greatly appreciated.
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written by Mike Jones , 30 May, 2009
When you have feeling that something is going on, it usually is. Look at all the post here. They all same about the same thing. Its innocent. Its nothing. Were just friends. I'm not a big fan of day time talk shows, but the bald one makes a good point. If you have to hide it, to do it, its cheating. Think about it. My wife hid text messages from me, and said it was innocent. I asked her to text him in front of me, she refused. If it was innocent, she would have. She finally did text message him in front of me, but it was too little too late. the writing is on the wall. We are going to be divorcing real soon. She think she pulled the wool over my eyes. I have been putting back cash, and getting things in order. She will find out real soon. Makes me cringe every time she says, "I LOVE YOU!"
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written by Peter Smith , 26 October, 2009
My wife and I have had some issues but after we had separate holidays this year for various reasons, she sent me an email saying she had spent a lovely day with a chap who had offered to drive her back to her friends. After she came home I joked that she had found a 'Toy Boy' just to keep things light hearted. I noticed that her phone was beeping with SMS msgs a lot and that she was keeping it very close to her. I eventually got hold of it one day while she was out briefly and saw a whole load of inappropriate msgs from this guy, the strange thing was that she had deleted all the msgs she had sent him. She is away again at the moment and I recently managed to see an email he sent her saying that he couldn't believe what she had done to him and that the feeling was amazing. He then went on to say that he hoped she didnt regret anything that had happened between them. I asked her on the phone if she had been unfaithful and she denied that, she did say that it was nice for someone to be showing her some interest as I wasn't. The main reason for that is that she verbally abuses me all the time drinks to excess and has attacked me 3 times. I think divorce is the only solution here.
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written by Mike222222222222 , 29 October, 2009
To the original poster. RUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!! Don't walk. Lies are poison...poison there is not a known antidote for. Give her the ultimatum: It is him, or me. Be prepared for a really disheartening answer.
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written by timddd , 03 December, 2009
I agree with Mike222... you have to stand up, pay attention and show some backbone. Let your spouse know you know they're lying and give them an ultimatum. No one wants to be alone, but be prepared for a new start, as you deserve better. I found emails between my wife and another man. Fortunately they weren't too explicit, or I would have gone insane. But they were enough to know there was more than friendship going on (which I've never believed a man and woman can be best friends). I told her it was my way or the highway from now on. She begged me not to leave her. I told her I'd think about it and gave her a number of conditions for staying. When there are kids involved its not so simple to walk away. She is no longer allowed to so much as flirt with another man. If she does, I'm gone...
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written by tm1015 , 24 December, 2009
my husband has a friend that he met in college recently (went back to get his degree)-- these younger "friends" were texting and calling and it didn't bother me because I thought it was a study group thing and the women were in relationships. Now, they have all graduated and still one of the women continues to text, and call on a daily basis. I have asked my husband to limit his contact to when I am not around as I don't feel it appropriate. And the woman or "friend" continues to call no matter what-- we can be away for the weekend and she calls, or late at night, or just to "check in" I told my husband, actually we had a huge fight over this because I think it's too much-- there is no need for any woman to call him on a daily basis (oh, and let me mention that she only calls when her husband is not around and that my husband does not randomly call her...hmmm)-- the husband has befriended my husband recently, I'm sure to keep the enemy closer as I did at one point) but I had to let my husband know that he has to make a choice and either pick his family or keep his friendship. Or course, he doesn't like this because he has always gotten his way with me and has a knack for breaking me down. But this time, I'm sticking to my guns and either he chooses us and kicks her to the curb or I'm getting a divorce (which is a hassle)-- his mom called me and said that she wouldn't let some women ruin her marriage and I said that I'm not that my husband is ruining the marriage with this affair. Am I crazy? I think I have put up with more than enough as this has been going over for 3 years and I need to move on to someone who will be into to me and my family and let him do his thing, right???
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written by Hawgklr , 13 January, 2010
It's glaringly obvious to me... cheating effects nearly everyone at some point in time during a marriage. Once you get past the accusatory fact-finding what course of action you take has consequences. 12yrs ago I had wire-tapped our home phone to prove my wife was cheating... up to that point, she vehemently denied everything! When confronted, she balled and confessed and begged my forgiveness... I forgave her and over time grew more and more in love with her. 2 yrs. ago, at my insistence, she got a job with a major airline... spending days upon days away from home... Yeah, you know where this is going!
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Now, not all of us have the strength to call it quits after 20yrs. of marriage... the unfortunate thing is I know my wife is a born cheater. Nothing is ever going to stop her from cheating... given the opportunity. I have to do it as sad as it is report abuse
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written by laisan , 17 January, 2010
my husband and I have been married 18yrs. Lots of rocky times as he tells me we shouldn't have been married and had kids(2) that he didnt want. Fast forward.... Nov trip with the boys golfing haha... He came home and realized that we are living a lie, and either we work on a marriage or the big D word came up. I of course didnt see this coming thinking wow he came home and missed us and that's why he cried for the first 2 nites home. Dummy me... Well we agreed that I'm not his soulmate or the one that makes he's heart melt when he see's me. Is there really soulmates out there?? But we will stay together for the sake of the family and work at a better relationship together. Well it seems like i've done more of the changes then him. I just found out today through snooping(oh I know) but he is emailing secretly to a girl he met. She is sending photos of herself and he reply's Now thats the Beautiful Nicole I know. And how he will try to call her and send up the computer to chat on line and skype each other so he can see her. He can't wait to go back to meet her again(China). He's been telling me that he wants to go back(China) to set up business. Ya right business.... 2Yrs ago he had a emotional affair with a 16yrs girl he met(my therapist consider this immature) he's by the way 44yrs. But apparently she made him feel alive again. What do i do now I don't want to alarm him that I snooping as i want to find out more with the conversations that there having or is this going to fade way till next time. He tells me he loves me and I'm a good wife and mother...Lost and confused.
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written by lyolya , 10 February, 2010
I've been married to a passive aggressive man for 3 years. He had an old "friend" from before we got married, and I'm not sure what they had before because everytime I mention it I get a whole different story. So after we got married he kept contact with her, I've noticed they've been texting quite often and a lot (according to the phone bills) they also exchanged a few phone calls. He hid much of it from me. Then I started confronting him about her because I suspected something more than a friendship cuz after so long she didn't even consider befriending me after she knew I was his wife. He kept defending her and getting defensive every time I mentioned it. Her and I conversed about it over the phone and text a few times and I told her that it's too late to be friends (knowing she just wanted to befriend me so she could keep contact with him). After that she started harassing me and I find out he was telling her a lot of our private things cuz she used it against me. Then I started 'investigating', I found naked pictures of her on his computer and I BLEW UP!, he brushed it off like it was nothing saying he didn't see all of them - lies. I blocked her number off his phone a few times but she kept changing it and keeping contact with him. We had so many fights over this! and after all of that he still said they're just "friends" Last time she contacted him I confronted him about it cuz he hid it from me again, he mentioned divorce for the third time and decided to follow through with it.. AND I'M GLAD! I am so fed up with his lies! How could I have ever trusted him? I still dont understand how people can be just friends and have sex.. how is there nothing wrong with that?
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