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My wife just told me our marriage is over |
About a month and a half ago my wife told me she wasn't sure she wanted to be married anymore. Her reasoning was the lack of intimacy and romance and she felt like we were roommates. She also said she feels like she does everything when it comes to our home and finances.
Since then things have worsened.
I have made changes to improve the issues. I am seeing a sex counselor and have made many efforts to take more responsibility in our relationship without being overbearing.
Well, three weeks ago she suddenly said she wanted me to get my own place and has turned on the ice water. She has been showing me no affection and generally avoiding being around me. She admitted to me last weekend that she has been having an affair with the guy who remodeled our bathroom a few months ago. She says it started three weeks ago. She said they texted, talked on the phone and met a few times. She claims they only kissed which I believe because she's not a good liar.
I want us to get counseling immediately either together or individually and she refuses and is still shut down to me. She says she needs space to get over things and it is ripping my heart out every day.
I knew something was going on because she was being very secretive with her phone all of a sudden. I confronted her repeatedly and she tried to lie about it. When I found out I was devastated.
I love my wife. I want us to be together and I want us to be happy. But this is tearing me apart. She is shut down because she says this is how she deals with things but I can't stand it.
What do I do?
Response:
Sorry to hear about your situation – unfortunately, it is quite common and difficult to resolve.
Almost all romantic relationships go through a decline in passion and excitement over the course of time. As relationships mature, couples often find that there is less to share with each other (it’s all been said before) and people start taking each other for granted (you know what the other person is going to do and start expecting it).
For many people, having a passionate relationship turn into a comfortable, stable relationship is ideal. However, some people need a lot of passion and excitement in their lives (see, on my second marriage and love styles).
If your wife needs excitement and passion, this probably won’t be easy to solve. Unfortunately, people who need excitement and passion often end up thinking about their alternatives (i.e., “is there someone else out there for me?”). Not only are such individuals more likely to be attracted to other people, but they are also have a tendency to find fault with their current partners.
By the time a partner admits to 1) having feelings for someone else, 2) asks you to move out, 3) turns off their emotions, and 4) refuses work on the issues – the relationship is almost certainly over. Most people think about these issues for a long time (many months, if not years) before acting on them. And once people act on such feelings, there is not much you can do to change the situation (see, my girlfriend suddenly left me).
As difficult as it is to hear, it might be best to invest your energy into taking care of yourself, rather than trying to fix your relationship. Talking to a counselor on your own right now is going to help you the most in the long run.
We wish we had better advice to offer.
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