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I have a great relationship but there is no sexual excitement

I am with the man of my dreams: personality, looks, TLC, understanding, support, wisdom! We are planning our life together and committed to one another, challenging many difficulties.

But, a main problem: SEX.

I am a woman with wild experiences, while he does not believe in sex without emotional attachment. Every woman's dream!!

We are in love, very close, and open with one another. Yet he requests my patience until he becomes ready to unleash the passion; his way of settling in a relation and deals with past issues, he says. I believe him, but I am scared.

We have been together for two years; he is in a critical position in his career and has been dealing with serious issues related to his past. Would time be our ally or the passion to come is an illusion?

Response:

Typically, sexual passion is the most intense at the start of a relationship. The novelty and excitement that new love generates tends to fade over time – sex becomes more routine and stable as relationships develop and mature.

And couples have less sex the longer they are together. In fact, some of the appeal of having an affair is the sexual excitement that it generates. But again, even the excitement that an affair creates will fade, if given enough time. This helps explain why some people consistently cheat – some people simply crave the excitement an affair can generate (also see our response to husband constantly cheats).

But with that said, many individuals are more comfortable having sex when sexual activity is linked to intimacy, emotions, and attachment. So, in many cases, sex between long-term partners often becomes more emotional, caring and intimate. But, sex rarely becomes more wild and exciting.

Hope this helps answer your question.

Comments (9)add
so true
written by Guest , January 17, 2006
My husband and I used to have a wild and exciting sex life. But after 10 years of marriage its a whole another story: BORING!
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same here
written by Lori97 , January 26, 2007
My husband and I have only been married a year and a half. In the beginning we couldn't get enough of each other.. now we both gripe that it isn't frequent enough. We have gone from daily to bi-monthly. Other than that we have a great relationship. We are both attracted to each other, Its almost like we are too comfortable with each other now.
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Passionless
written by Guest-B , March 02, 2007
I have no say. My wife has decided that sex is a minimal part of the relationship. If I had a dime for every 'encounter' the last year, I wouldn't have a dollar. More than that, when I give her hugs, she stands stock still and doesn't even lift her arms around me. I try to give her a kiss, and it is never more than a peck that is allowed. Holding hands? hah! Public displays of any kind? Forget it.

And when we do get 'around to it' it is mechanical and stale. She is strictly a passive player, I always have to initiate. That way, she gets to accept or reject. I enjoy giving, I just wish I had a more receptive and reciprocal partner! Every touch is seen as a prelude to sex for her, so she chooses not to respond at all. After years of this kind of rejection, am I stupid, a martyr, or a saint?

I stumbled into this site, and haven't cheated, but I would be easy prey under the right circumstances. We have had counseling, she's read books, been treated for depression, and spent many a long night talking about these issues. Yet, we still have separate bedrooms. I want a wife, not a roommate. Any advice?
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...
written by Emm , September 14, 2007
Hey Guest B that's exactly what my boyfriend would say about me! We haven't had sex all year and I don't plan on having any with him. I love him, don't get me wrong but sexually it just isn't there! I don't know how much longer we can go on or how much longer I can go on living a lie!
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written by tigger , October 29, 2007
Sorry to hear about your lack of a sex life, it could have been me writing this. My wife's rejection of me started 10 yrs ago, after our last child and ongoing depression. I have stayed because of the children, but hope to find love, affection and sex some time in the future. I really don't think partners who go off sex and are also unable to give any affection either, appreciate how devastating it is. My self esteem and confidence are gone, replaced by a daily diet of bitterness and resentment.
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written by Nan51 , December 07, 2007
It is time to give up. If your wife can not even give you a loving hug than you need to see the truth in this. Her truth is she is not interested in you as a husband and she is not interested in herself as a wife. She let go of her womanly wondrous position. If you did what she is doing to you, to the combined marriage, than it would be a cold silent house. Start hugging yourself. It maybe good for you to find a way that is best suited to you in either getting your marriage intact again, because now you may not feel you have a marriage,or put yourself back in the position you use to be prior to this bombardment of rejection. A hug goes a long way, and she is giving absolutely nothing.
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written by Rod , April 12, 2008
I could have written that one from Guest B. It's so frustrating being in a loveless marriage. She doesn't care about sex. At all.
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written by moved , May 19, 2008
Hey I am in a relationship that works for me and my partner he doesn't enjoy or feel the stimulation of intercourse he says and I don't like the issues that go along with it. However we are very close and intimate with one another and living happily with out the act of sex.
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written by Shocked , June 07, 2008
I read all comments and I am shocked how many people live without sex. I am also shocked to hear how people substitute other "more important" connections for sex. SEX is GREAT!!! It gives you pleasure, self esteem, intimacy, adrenaline, weight loss... I can go on for ever. I think sex fades over time, which is sad. I feel that people go looking for that excitement other places, and thereby cheat. I would love for someone to tell me what you can do to feel that same excitement with the same partner again. The thing is, I love sex! But most of all, I love how my heart loans for that person at first. Why does it fade away? Why can it not stay forever. I am losing my mind, even though my sex life is great. Its the excitement I am missing. Someone, please help...
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