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My ex-husband never apologized for cheating on me |
I was married for 13 years and thought we would be married forever.
Obviously, my husband cheated on me. We have 2 children and we were always so close and very much in love.
When I found out about his affair I expected him to apologize and be willing to find a way to work this out. He surprised me by refusing to stop seeing the other woman and we divorced.
Since then he has had several "women" in his life and I am having a terrible time getting over the feeling of wanting him to pay for totally devastating me.
He has never apologized and would not even talk to me about his cheating.
He has little time for me or our children and really seems to be living it up.
I am now remarried (after 2 1/2 years) and don't want to feel this way. But, I seem to be consumed with knowing that he is suffering too at the loss of what we had and our family.
How do I get over this?
And could it be that he is suffering and just doesn't want me to see? I am so confused and need some closure.
Response:
One of our most fundamental needs is to be understood. And this need to be understood becomes even more intense when someone close to us does something which is hurtful.
Essentially, we think that if a partner could only understand our pain, then they would never act as they do. In essence, most people try to control a partner’s harmful actions through the use of empathy.
Most of the time this tactic works. Most people try to avoid causing suffering to others.
But from your description, your ex-husband does not seem to care. Your husband seems to have little concern for how his actions have impacted your life.
And while it is natural to want to assume that he is hurting on the inside or that he feels sorry for what he has done (because this is how you would feel), perhaps it may help to look at the situation differently. Your husband changed his behavior toward you because he got caught. Perhaps you were only useful to him as long as you did not see how he was truly behaving.
We know that this idea can be difficult for people to entertain because it leaves most people feeling out of control - how could I have gotten so close to someone who does not really care?
But if you can, it may be helpful to consider how fortunate you are not to be involved with someone who has so little empathy for your feelings (see, ludus and lovefraud).
You may find some closure when you realize that he will probably never feel sorry for what he has done.
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