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My husband is in love with someone else |
My husband and I have been married for nearly 15 years. He had this best friend from grade school that he has been in love with. He has stayed in contact with her throughout the years and yes she has become the topic of many fights. He told me not too long ago that he loved her, but he loved me more. Then out of the blue one day after not talking to her for a couple years he decides to call her. Come to find out she is living in Washington State and hates it (she is from Missouri). She was planning a trip to Missouri and asked him to come and see her. She knew he was still married, but from when he called her and found out she was unhappy in her marriage he led her to believe that we were all but divorced.
Well he went to Missouri that weekend, and I knew something was wrong because whenever we talked he was real short with me and he never said “I love you.” But, he did call me once when she wasn't around and said we were okay. Well, he came home from Missouri and told me a couple days later that he was still in love with her and that he wanted to be with her. My husband said that he wasn't in love with me anymore, but that he still loves me. He talked to her and told her how he felt and went and saw her that next weekend before she went back to her husband. Nothing physical ever happened and I believe him on that. It was just an emotional affair.
Later, she came back to Missouri which my husband paid for. And she and my husband have been together most of the time since then. He had me move out of our house before she came back. She spent a week with him in our house. He has convinced her that they were meant to be together, but she still has not told her husband anything. And she thinks that our divorce is already in the works. We haven't even filed yet or anything.
Their relationship has started out on lies. She thinks that my husband and I haven't had sex for months, which is a lie. Yes, I moved out, but I spend many nights with my husband and we still have sex.
Today, she told him that she wants him all to herself; he just told me that he is more convinced now than ever that they are going to be together forever.
Everyone says I just need to divorce him. I still love him with all my heart and this hurts so much, I don't know what to do. I know there is no saving this marriage, but I’m not going to be the one to end it. He told me when this started I didn't show him enough attention - therefore forcing him to find love somewhere else. He keeps saying he knows I'm hurting, but he can't love me like he loves her. It isn't fair to me. I don't know what to do.
Response:
We know this is difficult, but try to take a step back from the situation. In all likelihood, there is no saving your marriage – its over and it’s not fair.
But with that said, a crisis such as this can often be a good time to reevaluate your life – what do you want to accomplish in life?
Do your best to ignore what your husband is doing. You may not have asked for this divorce, but you are probably going to get it.
If you can, it helps to think about the future – reexamine the direction you want your life to take. Even though you are hurting, this also happens to be a rare opportunity to make changes that really matter. Many people when faced with such an overwhelming crisis often behave in ways that are counterproductive in the long run. Try not to spend too much time and energy focusing on the past, what your husband is doing, or trying to get even – it will only take away from your future.
And in a situation like this, it helps to talk to a good divorce attorney and a counselor (see, emotional support). Doing so may help you feel more in-control in this out-of-control situation.
We wish you the best of luck.
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You mentioned that your husband has been in love with this person since grade school.("HE" did not follow his truth). But then he told you he "loved you more." ("HE" wanted "his" security and he lied to you and himself). "HE" initiated the call to her after two years, and then led her to believe your marriage was on it's way to a divorce. ("HE lied to you and to her). "HE" went to see her and came back telling you "HE" wanted to be with her forever! IF only our brains would accept the truth and our feelings not disguise truth. "He" told you that "HE" still loved you (cared about you) but was not "in love" with you (lust, want and desire). "HE" had you move out of YOUR HOUSE! And moved her in! Why didn't he just move out since he is the one who wants to end this marriage? You said you still maintain a sexual relationship with him. Why? "HE" is getting his cake and eating it too. "HE" told you that YOU forced him to look for love elsewhere by not providing hem with enough attention! Didn't "HE" find this love so many years ago? It had nothing to do with you, your behavior, or anything else, it is all about "HIM."
Now she tells "HIM" she wants 'HIM" all to herself. "He" tells you "HE" is convinced they are going to be together forever. "HE" went to see her and you think it was only an emotional affair...I would think differently. "HE" Knows you are hurting but can't love you like he loves her.
What to do? BELIEVE HIM. What to do next? BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! TRUST WHO AND WHAT YOU ARE. Know that you can not make anyone love you. Have respect for yourself - Sometimes the best way to love someone is to not love then at all. I do not like the way he has controlled this game of love feelings.
You were married for 15 years. You should be entitled to half of all assets gained in your marriage. I can't tell you what to do but I will offer my suggestions.
1. Get a good divorce attorney.
2. Gather all records of finances (mortgage on home,savings,investments,annual incomes, ownerships of cars, or of any financial value.
3. Request the court to settle all finances 50/50 - do not hang onto the house - sell it, you each get half. This allows you some financing to get back upon your own. And you will not have to live where memories may haunt you. You will be due alimony and possibility financial assistance to re-train into a career. Child-support if you have children. In your case I would fight for full custody due the circumstances as "He" has his priorities elsewhere.
Get good legal advice and someone who is out to protect you! Do not let emotional feelings come into play but rather deal with it as a business. After all, this is the business of life.
Once you know the truth, you can no longer blame him or anyone. You own this now. You have a choice to make. Be strong, focus you, gather good friends or make new ones. Do what you've always wanted to do even if it is to learn to play a piano. Go back to school.
Look at it this way. You've been given a second chance at life. Not all receive such an opportunity. Cherish it and start doing something about it. Tell "HIM" farewell, good luck, and get far away from he and her and start your new life. You don't have to live someone else's lies , you get to live your truth. He'll remain as confused as ever. I doubt it is love those two are really feeling, but this is not about them anymore, it is about you. What do you want? Take back your power, your control of your life. Be thankful for all things, these are our life lessons to learn, to grow from, to live fuller from.
You are on your way to something more....something better...something you can decide and control...your truth. Honor that. You'll come out on top and you will find something in this life more richer and more valuable than deception, lies and pain. You will find "truth." You know the saying..."And the truth will set you free......"
I wish you peace and blessings.