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Boyfriend lies to me about contact with his ex |
My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year and we live together. He claims that his ex-girlfriend is one of his best friends.
I have told him that I don’t know how two people that have been intimate can really remain ONLY friends. He says that there are none of those kinds of feelings there.
Recently he had to go away for work and I busted him for going to see her. He hid the fact that he went there from me. And even after I confronted him about this he continued to lie to me and tell me that I was crazy and that he never went to see her.
I couldn’t get this out of my head. Even though he had told me that he didn’t, I knew in my gut that he did. So I confronted him again and this time he came clean about it. He felt awful and told me he was sorry and that he would never lie to me again. He told me he lied about it because I have a jealousy towards this person and that I would not understand why he wanted to go and see her.
SO basically he told me that he lied to me and hid it from me because of my jealousy. I do not agree with their friendship and I cannot get the fact of them ever being intimate out of my head.
Is this unreasonable for me to feel this way or is my jealousy just getting the better of me? I feel like he chose to hurt me over seeing her... leaving me to feel less important then her.
Is this wrong?
Response:
This is a very difficult situation because you and your boyfriend do not understand each other with respect to an important issue. Your boyfriend has told you that his ex-girlfriend is one of his best friends. At the same time, you have told him that it isn’t possible to just be friends with an ex-lover.
To begin with, many people are friendly with an ex and there are a lot of benefits of doing so (see, talking to an ex). It may help to keep in mind that when it comes to love and romance, not everyone holds the same beliefs (see, love styles). So, it is possible for people to just be friends with someone who they have dated in the past, although this can be difficult for everyone to understand. In fact, after dating long enough, most couples, if they are lucky, end up as little more than friends, as passion starts to fade within a relationship.
But with that said, some people also maintain romantic ideas about an ex. For some people, letting go of their feelings for an ex can be difficult to do.
In your situation, your boyfriend has told you that he is just friends with his ex-girlfriend. But, then he lied to you about seeing her.
This is one of the most common things that couples lie about – contact with someone else (see, what lovers lie about).
And there are typically two reasons why people lie about such contact. People lie about this type of contact because it is inappropriate – it is sexual or romantic in nature. Or people lie about such contact because their partner disapproves of such behavior (see, partner’s disapproval).
Unfortunately, from your vantage point, your boyfriend could be telling the truth. Maybe he is only friends with his ex and he lied to you to avoid having to deal with your jealous response (see, overcoming jealousy). Or your boyfriend could still have feelings for his ex. If that is the case, his behavior would be very similar to what he’s done.
So, how should you respond?
You could try taking your boyfriend at his word. It is possible they are only friends and that he lied to you to avoid starting an argument. Ideally, it would have been best to take your boyfriend at his word early on, and then monitor how he reacts around his ex-girlfriend for signs of attraction. But, it is too late to do that now. Your boyfriend will be monitoring his own behavior too closely now to let his true feelings show.
Or you may also want to consider ending the relationship. If your boyfriend is close to his ex, and you cannot understand that, your difference of opinion will likely cause many other problems in your relationship. If you ask your boyfriend to end an important friendship to demonstrate his love for you, doing so often leads to high levels of resentment and anger (and perhaps hidden contact with her). And in the worst case – if he still loves her - forcing him to end the relationship will not change his feelings for her.
If you can find a way to trust that the two of them are only friends, that may be your best option for solving this problem.
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