| My boyfriend hid his contact with another woman |
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I met a man online that I have been dating for approx. 17 months. After we began seeing each other, he quickly advised me he was getting off the dating site and wanted me to do the same so that we could FOCUS on our relationship. I was not aware that before he got off the site, he gave his phone number and email address to several different women. However about 6 months later, I came across some emails and phone bills which indicated he had remained friendly with several of the women and one particular woman he had spent 3 - 4 hours a week talking to. This continued for the first 4 months of our relationship and then stopped. Because it had stopped...I did not address it with him. However, I did make a point of telling him that corresponding IN ANY FORM with someone that was romantically interested in him was a HUGE NO NO to me and that I would consider it infidelity... emotional infidelity... regardless of whether he had physical contact with them. He thought I was making a big deal out of nothing and never admitted all the previous phone calls. I also told him that in the future, if he were to be contact by anyone, he was to tell me immediately. He also was receiving phone calls and emails from a woman he lived with for 6 years... there are no children involved and so I find it ODD that they would continue to keep contact. I told him I was uncomfortable with this and again, he said I was over-reacting. The phone calls are short and she is always the one making them.... I don't know about emails... but still, he would not like it if I kept contact from someone in my past. Fast Forward one year and I am at his office and pick up a message from this same woman that he had spent so much time talking to you in the past. Two messages in fact. I confronted him and he stated that he did not tell me about the calls because he thought I did not know about her and if he told me I would be angry and secondly he admitted to being flattered as to the reason he called her back. He claimed this phone call from her was OUT OF THE BLUE and that he called her and left a message that he was still in the same serious relationship and happy but commented that it was good to hear from her so naturally she called again. The funny thing is... she called the office... he called her back from the office which could only be so that there would be no record on his cell phone. She asked him to give her a TIME that they could talk. I find that really strange. It makes me believe that he has been talking to her or emailing her all along... and that the 'time' comment was because he was going to have to come back to his office to call her after work (he would simply claim that he had to go back and do some work in his lab). He does NOT want to discuss this whole issue... he just wants to apologize and move on. Again he claims that she just called him OUT OF THE BLUE... which I find really hard to believe... that a woman would contact someone AFTER ONE YEAR if there was not something continually going on... at least some sort of contact. He would never have told me if I had not found the messages. I told him to send her an email and tell her NEVER to contact him again ... HE DID... but only after I gave him an ultimatum. The more I think about it, the angrier I am becoming. He knows I can pick up his messages and/or look at his cell phone records... but I can't do so with his office email and/or phone... so I am beginning to think he is using those to keep contact with others. He has told me he won't do it again... but honestly... at this point, I really don’t trust him. He was sexually abused as a child and I know that causes people to have issues with boundaries... and as an adult he has struggled with alcohol although he seems to have that under control. I am really not quite sure what to do... I don’t want to waste any more time with a man that can not commit to just me. This appears to be more than a boundary issue... I think he needs other women in his life to build his self esteem... and if so... and if that is what he chooses... then fine... but he needs to at least be honest about it because I am NOT interested in that sort of man. He says he truly loves me and we really get along great in every aspect but this one. I am not really sure, at this point, what to do. I don’t want to become hyper vigilant. Perhaps I need to just start focusing more on spending time with my friends without him around (now I include him in almost everything) and step somewhat back from the relationship until he SHOWS me that he can be completely faithful to me. In the meantime, if that does not happen, I feel that I need to put a deadline on our relationship growing more intimate so as allow the opportunity for me to meet someone who can be totally honest with me and totally committed to me.... Please give me your thoughts. Response: A couple of things come to mind. To begin with, everyone holds expectations about love and dating – including expectations about how relationships should work and how partners should interact with others (see, what counts as cheating). And because partners do not always hold the exact same set of expectations when it comes to love and romance, it’s important for couples to discuss their expectations with each other. The tricky part, however, is learning how to have such conversations in a manner that is effective. People often tell their partners exactly what they can and cannot do. Generally speaking, this is not an effective way to discuss one’s expectations because it comes across as being controlling. Few people like to be told what they can and cannot do. And when confronted with an overt display of power, many people do exactly the opposite of what their partners want a means of maintaining some autonomy (see, relationship dynamics). A much more effective way to discuss one’s expectations involves focusing on one’s feelings and needs rather than making explicit statements about what partners can and cannot do (i.e., “it would hurt me, if you were emotionally close to someone else” rather than “I don’t want you to have contact with….”). Essentially, the same message gets conveyed, but the message is easier to hear when it’s said in a way that creates empathy rather than when it is stated as a command (see, talk about problems). And there are some other problems with making one’s expectations too rigid. While it is good to make one’s expectations known, it also helps to keep an open mind. Generally speaking, people try to live up to their partner’s expectations. But, when people fall short of what their partner’s expect, which happens from time to time, and especially when the threat of punishment is high, people instinctively try to hide what they’ve done (see, lying and partner’s expectations). So, if you want a partner to be honest, it helps to set expectations while also indicating a willingness to understand and forgive (see, getting others to be honest). Unfortunately, from the sound of your question, it seems like your boyfriend has decided that hiding things from you is better than telling you the truth. This is a very hard dynamic to change. For your boyfriend to be honest, he needs to feel safe talking to you about issues where you may not always see eye-to-eye. The more ultimatums you give, the less likely the truth will be told. And this is where the real dilemma emerges. Relationships are complicated. Put too much pressure on romantic partners to live up to your expectations and they start hiding things. But, if you don’t assert your needs and feelings enough, partners will do as they please. If you’re too demanding and rigid, partners lie. If you’re too easy going and understanding, partners will not take your feelings into account. Overall, the trick to having a functional relationship involves trying to find a balance that works – one where your needs are generally met without punishing a partner too heavily for telling the truth. Of course, this is always easier said than done.
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written by This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it , 21 September, 2006
I could have written this email myself. My story is so so similar, its really scary. I have recently broken up with my boyfriend, to get back together again. I had a long talk with him about how the things he does, (flirts with women, strives for their attention, needs to feed his self esteem, etc. etc) how all of that type of behavior hurts my feelings. I told him that he holds my heart and when he does those types of things, its hurts me. I also got him to agree to go to counseling. First alone, then together. He too was sexually abused by a family member, and his mother virtually abandoned him, so he is constantly seeking approval of woman. We began our relationship long distance and when he moved to where I live, he brought with him a secret relationship that he kept in contact with her. I caught him and called her directly. He lied to her too telling her that he moved somewhere else. I was crushed, and now when he has this need for woman giving him confidence, it rips my heart apart. This has been going on for almost 4 years now. I am hoping that the counseling will help. I really don't know. I too suffer from a low self esteem, but I don't have to seek men's approval to boost myself. I don't have to call single men from my cell phone and then hide my cell phone bill from my boyfriend and that is what he does to me. We don't live together, so he is doing this behavior away from me. I guess I just wanted you to know - I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL and its so horrible being in a situation like this. I was married before for 23 years to an alcoholic, but he was someone that I trusted more than my boyfriend because I knew he would never never cheat on me, emotionally or otherwise. AND your right about the emotional affair situation - its not a good place and life is too short. I don't know if you can move on, I wish I could. But at the same time, I want to work it out. I'm just stuck. Good luck to you. Take care.
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written by CHB , 27 May, 2008
Both of you... I certainly can relate, but fortunately I have been able to leave my boy friend. Three years of a long distance relationship where he did everything... I mean everything to get me. First we dated for almost a year before I found out that he was still married. He was so convincing, so present in my life and the life of my daughter and family that I had no clue or reasons not to believe that he was separated.When I found out that he was married and far away from divorcing (at least from his wife perspective... poor woman... 23 years of marriage during which she was not only cheated on but, he had even a son from a relationship then... she forgave and moved on... courageous, but unfortunately very enabling. In short, after I found out I wanted to break up and he asked then for divorce... to get the attention he wickedly needy, he blow up his family!! And I'm not talking about a drunk, etc., this man is well-respected in North Carolina in his community. Going further, I had the weakness because I loved him to overlook the lying story because. God he was so convincing. But at this time I began to look at him differently and began to be more prudent... well I was right. As he had all he wanted from me, after less than a year he began to court other women. When I confronted him, he got defensive and long winded and crying etc... my trust and respect for him began to fade... and so my love. I'm a very confident woman and cannot accept not to have respect send back to me as I'm very respectful of others and others feeling. When fast forwarding to one month ago, I find out another new friendship going on... I said enough, I cannot love a man like that... I broke up. It took two weeks to realize that I don't even miss him and certainly don't love him anymore. The man I loved was only the one he tried to portray to me and his whole environment. These people are sick from their low self esteem (narcissistic, pathological liar, and there is no cure). Don't let them destroy yours. They are not worth it and you deserve much more. Run and never look back. Its better to suffer from a breakup for several weeks or even a couple of months (I hope it will be much less for you). Regain self respect, free yourself from pain that will only come back again and again whatever they can say or promise... these people have no words... not even to themselves... I feel sorry for them... I don't want to be sorry for you. YOUR CHOICE not theirs!! Good luck!
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written by savannah jones , 21 July, 2008
I run a relationship site and although I'm great at giving advice... I had to learn the hard way about living it. I think there are a couple of dynamics going on here. There is the controlling demanding way of saying what you will and won't put up with. But also there's settling for less than you deserve. I think when someone is this bothered by contact and I have to admit both parties are to blame here. The woman contacting him you can't control but if the man felt like this was wrong... he'd stop. I think that's what I'd pay attention too and have learned to. Too many women have been in your shoes and that's me included. We agreed on terms of dealing with our past. I would ask if he was in touch with a couple of women in particular because well... I'm a woman and single and I know people try and keep in touch even after you've said you are in a relationship. Politeness is expected so you get the - it's great to hear from you. The lying is worse than all of what's being done and causes you to think more is going on. At the same time making it harder for you to probably commit to this man in the same way. Stay away from someone who is yanking your chain. You're not crazy to think this isn't right. You've expressed your expectations and they are good ones. These are not people of their word as said above. You obviously are a person of your word and have every right to expect to be with someone who is too.
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