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I am attracted to my husband's best friend |
This is my situation... I have been married for 6 years and together for 9 years and we have 2 beautiful girls. For the past couple of years it seems that every time I turn around we are fighting for some little thing, and even more when he drinks. It almost seems that he hates me, even though the next day it is like nothing ever happened. And even though the fights and hurtful words I seem to want to just erase it all and start over the next day.
But there is only so much that one can handle. Isn't there?
But the reason for this e-mail is that I have had a lot of thoughts about ending my marriage. I know I love my husband to death but all the mistreatment and no more affection except in bed once a week... and that to me isn’t enough any more.
Well I was talking to one of his best friends one day on the phone, just a friendly conversation, and out of the nowhere he came on to me, and I let him. Nothing has gone beyond that so far, but I am really thinking about it. His friend really showed me interest and not only that it seems that he has felt like this for almost 2 years ago, but just never said anything. I did have my suspicions but wasn't sure. I know that in my heart I really want to go out with this guy but on the other hand it is my husband’s best friend.
My husband’s friend and I did discuss about meeting but we haven't yet. We did, however, promise each other that the conversation we had would stay between us.
Please help... I just don't know what to do.
Would it even be worth it?
How can I tell if my marriage is just a convenience to stay together as a family for my children? Or to even try to change things to make it better?
Response:
From our perspective, there are at least two separate issues going on.
First, it sounds like you marriage is less than ideal. There is a lot of bickering and your husband sounds like he has a lot of anger and hostility toward you. Typically, this type of fighting between couples usually means that there are some unresolved issues between the two of you related to control, respect, and liking (see, relationship dynamics).
Relationships work the best when they are built on respect, understanding and trust (see, healthy relationships). In fact, for a relationship to work long term there must be a lot more positive than negative interactions (Gottman).
And it is common for people in less than ideal relationships to gloss over problems and pretend that things are ok, when, in fact, there are serious problems that need to be addressed.
Unfortunately, many people deal with such relationship problems in an indirect manner. For the most part, people don’t talk to their spouses directly about the problems they are facing (see, talk about problems). Rather people deal with their problems in a variety of indirect ways: drinking, displaying negativity toward a partner, attraction to others, etc.
Which brings us to the second issue: Are your feelings for husband’s best friends genuine, or is your attraction to him simply a way for you to express your negative feelings that you have for your husband? Our best advice is not to confuse these two issues. Deal directly with the problems you are having with your husband before you even consider whether to explore your feelings for his friend.
If you try to work out the problems you are having with your husband first, in an honest and constructive manner, everything else should become more clear.
But by pursuing your feelings for his friend right now, you will only make things more complicated and confusing for everyone.
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How can I tell if for sure I don't love him like I used to and it is just the convenience of still being together?