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My friend led me on and then chose someone else |
I need help. Let me tell you the story first. We used to be good friends. Did everything together and I fell in love with him and he did me.
We just never told one another b/c we were both afraid the other wouldn't feel the same way.
Then she came along. He told me he only dated her to make me jealous. And that he never thought he would fall in love with her.
He wasn't even allowed to speak to me or see me or anything. She knew we had a past and she hated me. It went on for over a year before we found a way to get to spend time together. Online chatting.
We talked every morning day and night behind her back. I went for about 3 weeks averaging about 3 hours of sleep a night because I was talking to him the whole time.
I knew it was wrong and he sure knew it was wrong. But I couldn’t help it. I love him and I always will. He often snuck out to my best friend’s house just to see if I was there.
His girlfriend doesn't know any of this and if she did she would break things off in a heart beat.
He often told me how he wishes things would have been different. He called me pet names like honey and sweetie and he led me on so much.
I thought they were going to break up and we were finally going to be able to be together. Until one night he never got online. And since we were no longer in the same town, separated because of college, I never see him.
Now I hear he is going to ask her to marry him. When just 3 months ago I was all he could talk about.
I want her to know what he did. I want her to see what a jerk he is and if he did this before he will do it again. But, however, I’m just afraid that I am only telling her because I don't want him to be happy without me...
I’m just so confused ... should I tell her? Or let him go on and build a marriage around a lie? What do I do?
Response:
One of the saddest things about your story is just how often things like this happen.
It is common for friends to “fall in love,” but never express their feelings for each other, out of fear that the other person doesn’t feel the same way. There is even a name for it – “pluralistic ignorance” (see, Miller and McFarland).
The problem with trying to ignore our emotions, is that they don’t go away. In fact, ignored emotions tend to influence our behavior, often in counterproductive ways.
For instance, when secretly in love with someone else, it is common to try and make the person jealous. But, being indirect about one’s feeling often backfires, as it did in your situation.
If there is something to learn from this, it’s wise to express one’s feelings as they are occurring, rather than let situations get out of hand (see, talk about problems).
But, it’s too late for that now. You can’t undo the past or make things right.
And while he may have led you on, it is also possible that he was simply confused and trying to decide what to do. Most people caught in such situations, claim, and actually believe, that they are going to leave the person they are with, but most never do (see, will he leave his wife).
Should you expose what he did now that you’ve been rejected? After all, you were willing to play along and betray their relationship while it suited your interests, and now you want to reveal the truth? Acting out of spite will not solve the problem, or make things better, or address the real issue – that you’ve been hurt.
When people are motivated to tell the truth based on revenge, little good rarely comes of it (see, should I expose him).
So, our best advice is to focus on how you are feeling, and leave them out of it. And there is a great website that helps people deal with situations like this (see, so there).
We wish you the best of luck.
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There was an instant attraction between us and although I knew he had a girlfriend I allowed myself to be drawn into believing that he loved me.
The chemistry was electric and his body language spoke volumes. We would talk for 2 hours at a time together gazing adoringly into each others eyes across the desk (pathetic I know !!)
I could not begin to understand what he saw in his girlfriend, the way she treated him I could only imagine she was a Cameron Diaz lookalike as there could be no other explanation why he stayed with her.
Imagine my shock in seeing them together. Trailing along behind him looking miserable and like she needed a good shower and change of clothes she was only passably attractive. Not that I was judging her on looks alone, far from it. I knew her to be needy, clingy and dependent as she was forever whining to him on the phone, pleading that he leave work early as she didn't want to go home alone.
Week after week went by with me waiting for him to say/do something but he very skilfully managed to "play me" as I now realize he was becoming as addicted to the attention I was giving him as I was to receiving it. The difference being that I was single and he was going home every night to "Whiner".
He was (and still is) extremely jealous of seeing me with another male and by keeping me "dangling" I imagine he hoped I wouldn't go looking for anyone else.
Every so often I would decide "that's it I am not falling for this game anymore" but my resolve would weaken as I had no choice but to see him at work everyday(Mon-Fri)
Then eventually (early Dec) I realized that even if he did leave her and ask me out "officially" that it would never work as I suddenly realized that I had too much self-respect to wait that long for someone who, if they felt half as strongly about me as I felt about them, would have made the move months ago..
Once I realized that if we finally did get together that it would never work (I could never forgive him for the cruel way he has treated me) it became easier to "let go."
I was still very sad and I would still melt every time he looked or smiled at me a certain way but the real TURNING POINT came when my friend bluntly told me that even if there was some bizarre reason why he had to stay with "Whiner" there was no excuse for his behavior as he should either have told me why he couldn't leave her and allow me to get on with meeting a "significant other" OR he should have finished with her.
I did sub-consciously know this but I needed someone to tell me bluntly that HE HAD CHOSEN HER and that I could either continue to let him "have his cake and eat it" OR I could regain my power and stop the intimate gazing and 2 hour long chats.
I knew she was right. It didn't matter that Whiner was devoid of personality and dress sense HE HAD CHOSEN HER AND I HAD TO ACCEPT IT.
I still don't understand why he has chosen to be with MISERY GUTS when we use to make each other laugh so much and the only consolation I have is that he met her first, 18 months before he met me so I assume they have more of an "attachment" than what I would call real love.
The real breakthrough came when he was off work for 2 weeks over Christmas. At last this gave me time away from him so that my wounds could heal properly without me having to see him the next day (and my resolve breaking with the whole cycle beginning again)
And what a breakthrough !! I have never felt so positive and powerful. I feel 100% in control of my emotions and have moved on.
Suddenly I realized I was worth so much more and will never again allow a situation like this to develop. If someone wants to be with you THEY WILL BE WITH YOU and you don't deserve anything less.
And guess what? He is bewildered !!! He can't understand why I no longer maintain unwavering eye contact or have long intimate conversations with him. Instead I treat him exactly as I do my other colleagues. I can see already he is missing the adoration and it looks as though things are reaching a critical stage with him and "Whiner"
But guess what? Even if they do split and he gets down on one knee I will have to politely decline.
Because being single is better than being second best to anyone.
I know I am truly over him as I genuinely wish him and Whiner all the best in their strange little relationship. I'm just delighted I saw sense and got out of it so soon!!!
I have heard of a woman who left her husband and 4 kids to move 100 miles away to be closer to the man she loved. She has waited 8 years for HIM to leave his wife and IS STILL WAITING.