Truth About Deception

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written by Suzy , 24 October, 2007

The same thing is happening to me...
The exact same thing...
I can't control my jealousy nor my questions...
It is very hard though I really love him.

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written by marji , 19 December, 2007

this advice makes the betrayed partner feel worse, or seem like it's his/her fault their partner has lied to them about talking to their ex.

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written by CLou , 15 January, 2008

I agree with marj, I've recently had issues with my boyfriend with him lying to me, and I read this advice and I'm feeling now like it's something that I did wrong to make him lie to me...

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written by Kissy , 16 January, 2008

I experienced the same thing - for the past 4 years! Wonder how I managed to survive? I get back at him. By doing the same thing he did- chat with other men, dating, even to the point of sleeping with them.
Do I feel goo about it? Not at all. My heart slowly dies and now could no longer feel an y pain he brought to me.

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written by Chelbyjoy , 11 February, 2008

I agree with marj and clue... I am in the same situation he says he won't contact his ex outside of work, yet he still does... This is not helpful advice... it only made me angry to read this.

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written by RJ , 13 February, 2008

Wow. A lot more people are going through this than I thought. I have the same problem.

My fiance has previously been married to another woman and I find myself going through his msn chat logs. One time on I looked on purpose and one time on accident. I can't sleep at night thinking about how she talks about still being attracted to him sexually, the past and trying to bring up when they used to have sex. I try to talk to him about it and he gets angry in an instant calling me invasive. I admit that this might be invasive, but that doesn't change what has happened and how I cry everyday about it.

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written by Marji , 29 February, 2008

Let's see, it's been 3 months since I last posted, and I still have bouts of depression and anger every time I think about how he lied about talking to his ex for a year to me.
I know sometimes I am being unreasonable with my demands and anger towards him. But the pain is overwhelming at times, and it paralyzes me. I just don't know if I'll ever get over his betrayal. I've stopped feeling special a long time ago. Underneath all the anger, I still love him. But the anger and the pain really blurs this fact for me.

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written by Katlean , 31 March, 2008

I am going through something like this right now too. I recently married and and my husband is still talking to and about his ex-girlfriend. He refuses to tell her we area married!!!!! I am livid. He broke up with her last year, supposedly, and she calls him still, and she thinks I am just a girlfriend, makes dates for sex. To date, he has not gone on them but I know he wants to cause he tells me so. We are married and they are both disrespecting me and our relationship!!!! I love this man but I don't like the way I am being treated.

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written by Candie , 01 April, 2008

I am also going through the same thing. I am on the verge of ending my year long relationship with my boyfriend or should I say soon to be ex boyfriend because he refuses to tell the truth. He even admitted to me earlier in the relationship when he was caught cheating that he is a pathological liar. How can I continue on with someone who admits this? Love make you do peculiar things, but I need to be strong and realize, there are better men for me out there. Hope this optimistic advise helps you ladies in similar situations.

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written by kris kris , 17 April, 2008

I actually am a guy who's been single for 3 years now, as I've never been with anyone apart from my first girlfriend who ended up getting married to a friend after our 2 year relationship ended, but as they got together 1 month after we split up I was unable to get to a point where we could be friends. I'm 26 and don't think I'll ever find anyone I think about her every day and distance myself as much as possible from her as she doesn't seem to want to talk to me although we have the same friends, what can I do as I know if I talk to her (not even about us just normal stuff) she just gives me a funny look I feel sad as she was my best friend and now I don't have that either, can anyone tell me from a womens point of view whats going through her mind and what I should do? I'm not trying to get her back I think I just need some kind of closure and I can't say anything as she will tell her husband. Thank you for reading and any help I get.

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written by Vicssecret4me , 25 April, 2008

Well, sounds as if we are all in the same boat! Here I am 37 and dealing with "bs" I never thought I would in my age and wisdom! Found him this last Sunday at a bar with his ex wife, who happened to kick him out, because she fell for a man in prison (3 yrs ago...). Oh, did I mention that when they first met each other, she was married to another man, and she kicked him out to be with my now bf! Well, I am officially numb, hurt, and honestly tired of the stupid bs!!! I have distanced myself from him, and told him that this "relationship" is now officially about ME!!! I don't even have a desire to make love to him anymore. Where as, I was constantly wanting to be intimate with him!!! By the way, this is the fourth time, he has lied to me about his ex. Says he feels sorry for her, and that she is a friend!! Well I said no more... you can call her (trying to negotiate with him) but I insist you NOT hang with her anymore!! Will it stop him?? What he doesn't know is that I have access to his phone bills, etc... and he is a CRAPPY liar!! So... will keep all posted!! Good luck to all of you who are as weak as me... and still has to stay with a man, who lies... love does "shi**y" things, doesn't it?

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written by mousie , 10 May, 2008

I never in a million years thought that I would be going through this, let alone that there are others like me out there. All I can say is that this has been going on for 3 1/2 years and it still hurts like the first day.. I've know my man since the 2nd grade and he's never payed any attention to me until recently with his wife left him for another man @ took his son.. after that he always loved me, which I found out is all lies.. He's called me her name, he tries to relive/react every thing they shared
(which I know every detail since we where once friends) I've come to the point that all I can do is cry.. He's lied to me about sooo many things, he claims that they were told to spare my feelings, I'm just at a point that I don't know what to do anymore. My mind is tired my heart is beat up oh did I mention that we have a child makes things all the harder.. if any one out there who knows what I should do please let me know..

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written by GGGG , 18 July, 2008

I have been in the same boat and it is not pleasant the feeling that someone is lying to you.

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written by cnd67 , 05 August, 2008

I agree totally with marji, clou, RJ, a whole lot of you. I think with my bf, it feels like the only reason he's with me is because she doesn't want him. At first his contact with her didn't bother me. Then he started having a problem with some of my male friends. Said it was because they have low moral standards. I pointed out that his ex did too, yet he still called her all the time, still had a friendship. He said he'd cut contact with her. So I cut contact with my male friends that he didn't like. he lied, he continued to call her, just did it behind my back. called her 3 times on my 40th birthday, which was a non-event, maybe because his heart was elsewhere. Then he engages in other deceptive practices, privately chatting with, calling, and txting female co-workers and lying about that to me too, like I'm just Ms. You'll Do For Now. then tells me she's his "friend" -- heard that before. He's only been on the job for a couple months... again, he felt the need to hide that from me, close chat windows when I walk in the room, and lie about it when asked. He's a busy guy. He still has time to continually call his ex. This is the behavior that just furthers my belief that his ex is the one who's important in his heart, I'm convenient, and he's going to keep looking for something else. He and I have only been together a year and a half. We're not married, and he's not the father of my daughter. these things make my decision easier. We have to leave. All I am doing by staying with him is rewarding his bad behavior and allowing it to affect me negatively. My daughter is 4. She doesn't deserve to live in this dysfunction.

Whoever wrote the response to the original question missed the mark. I'm not jealous. I'm betrayed. There's a difference. My bf lied to me from the start. He made himself out to be something he's not and couldn't live up to. He moved in with me when he was 41. By then, a guy's just deceptive by nature.

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written by mitter11 , 07 August, 2008

I'm reading this and agreeing with most of the comments here.. My girlfriend calls her ex's approximately 5-6 times a month, and there are 6-7 of them going back 8 years.. I found out 2 years ago, and she promised no to do it anymore, but she keeps doing it anyway. I found out by checking her phone and occasionally her e-mails. Also, she started e-mailing and calling people she meets thru her work as a flight attendant, then when confronted lies about it and tells me they're gay, then I found out later that's not true. She says nothing's going on withe any of them, but I have to believe that there's something wrong with someone who has the insatiable need to keep in contact with ex's and new guys constantly. Help, I can't believe I'm still putting up with this at my age, 48. What should I do?

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written by mitter11 , 07 August, 2008

to cnd67.. I know exactly how U R feeling.. I hope things work out for you soon, the betrayal is maddening and it slowing eats away at you..good luck

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written by mary1981 , 01 September, 2008

This is complete and utter crap - my boyfriend is doing the same thing I was looking for a number for his birthday and saw his ex had called he told me that it had been a long time ago. I had already looked and he had talked with her a day before
mind you I have never met her and yet they are friends

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written by thisissad. , 14 September, 2008

I can't believe how sad this blog is. I too, suspected things with my boyfriend. I checked his phone and found out he hung out with his ex-girlfriend. after taking a short break, I gave him another chance. BIG MISTAKE. one month later, I caught him again. this time he told me he was at home sleeping- yet I drove by and he wasn't even home (at 3AM, on my way home from work!!) so I am trying to end things. This just happened yesterday. Its so hard but I know that I will never again be able to trust him. Things can't just go back to normal. Those knots in the stomach stay there.

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written by hmelt88 , 16 September, 2008

I try my hardest-like most I'm sure-to make trust the basis of my relationship. my boyfriend and i have been together for 9 months and he was with his ex for at least 2 years before me. i learned (on my own) early on in our relationship that they lived together-which is a big deal for me. he has yet to tell me anything about her--even the fact that they lived together. I feel so guilty, but I've looked at his call log several times and found that they talk-not often, but about once a month... I just find it weird that I've told him everything about my ex and he's never said so much as one word about his... I've learned more on my own and from his mom that from him...His mom said he knows he made a mistake by dating this other girl (supposedly she was a piece of work) and he just doesn't want to have to face me with it.... I want to ask him so bad about her but I don't know how to bring it up. I just want some piece of mind... any suggestions on how to bring it up??

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written by whatsleftofme , 29 September, 2008

Wow! I really didn't think anyone could be putting up with the same things I am putting up with (going on 4 years now) Putting up with this kind of behavior really brings your self-esteem down to nearly nothing. You feel like you are never going to be good enough. Especially after 4 years he still hasn't decided it would be a good idea to sign the divorce papers. I know all of your issues seem to be at their worst. Trust me, you haven't made a fool of yourself til you've walked a mile in my shoes. For instance, many trips to her home for a week at a time b/c we want to make sure everything is ok with her, going into the other room or completely running me off because she has called or he told her he would call her back. He claims he feels sorry for her b/c she doesn't have anyone. She uses every manipulating tool available to make him feel sorry for her. Crying, screaming, self-infliction threats, any and everything you can imagine. Neither of them were happy in their marriage. He bent over backwards try to make her happy all in vain. Now I'm the one trying to make him happy and she is still getting the best part of him. He tells me that he will never be that person again. That only makes me feel like less of a person because how can you love and care for someone so much give everything you have and it still not be good enough. Yet all the while he tried the exact same thing with her and she never even appreciated anything he ever done for her. Oh but now she claims she does. Nothing has changed with her and never will. She still acts like the same spoiled ass brat she always did when she doesn't get her way. I'm a fool for doing this to myself. I know it sounds very simple, and if I weren't in this situation and were just merely reading about someone else I would say the same thing,"What are you doing? Find someone else!" But that really is not that simple at all when you are in love with someone that so obviously is in love with someone else. All I can say is Lord help me and all of you who are going through this same thing.

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written by About his ex , 22 November, 2008

Well, here the same problem. My boyfriend said to me many times that he hasn't spoken to his ex (luckily she lives in Australia, we in Finland) for a year and 5 months (they met July 2007 but the girl moved back on Aug 2007). But I have discovered that they still in contact and the girl writes to him about how nice his bed was, if he is a good kisser, that they shouldn't talk about kisses because then the girl wants and cannot get any, that if she had an erotic dream about him...and the stupid of my boyfriend didn't mention to her that has new girlfriend (me). He is waiting anxious that his ex will be exchange student to Helsinki on Oct 2009 so they can meet and hang out. He has said to her that he wants to see her. My heart dies every time I think about this. I have a gut feeling that I don't like... Once I told him to take out a picture of he and his ex I found in the net because he told me he doesn't want pictures of him in there, but he hasn't done a thing to take it out. I only think that he is waiting for her to come. What can I do? I am bit obsessed about this and I don't want to give this relation up.

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written by Hayley87 , 11 December, 2008

I am going through this at the moment. My boyfriend of 5 months lives 3 and a half hours from me. I go up and see him every weekend. He called me by the name of his ex, it was nothing intimate, but it has really ate me up inside. I don't want to look at him any more! I had so much love for him but by being called by the name of his ex it has shattered my confidence and just doesn't feel the same. I feel as if every time he looks at me he sees her. I hope he is happy now, shes obviously had one over because he is going to lose me. Its only been a week but its got worse and I can't be with the guy any longer.

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written by Lost in the world of his ex , 25 February, 2009

OMG I thought I was the only one or a least a rare few to be dealing with this!!! After my Bf's wife committed suicide he ran into a woman he new from High school (so he says( she was actually stocking him)anyway she did everything to she could to make him feel sorry for her( husband abused her threw her out no where to go homeless etc.) so he felt that with his wife of 22 years gone and him being in so much pain and lost after only 2 weeks of his wife's death he let this woman move in with him. she did nothing but use and took advantage of him even moving all of her family in for him to be responsible for he bent over backwards for her gave and gave and gave even married her after 3 years.(and is still after 11 years trying to get out of major debt for all the credit card bills she ran up and maxed out). then she finally got a job and left him 1 year after they were married(But Her sister still lives here on his property because he gave her 2 acres of his land). anyway now that was 6 years ago and we have been together for two years, he says he cant marry me but refuses to tell me why and insist on and tried to insist on me being friends with her and her family. I am not jealous I just dont understand why he still insists on being involved with these people he even told me he considers her grandkids as his( they came after the divorce and they are not his kids)and he tells everyone they are his. the whole relationship between them consists of her and her family calling constantly with I need this and that and he runs and does for all of them still.IE: she needed a load of hay so he at his expense when and pick up and delivered the hay to her door and unloaded for her.
taking them shopping buying them all expensive gifts and continue to pay the property taxes water rights and all the expense that goes with owning the property that her sister lives on while they live there for free and are in my yard constantly acting like they are the ones who own the place. He does not see a problem with this and gets pissed if I say this is just not right and needs to stop his excuse is "I dont feel there is a problem with this I feel sorry for them and we have been friends since high school and they are just such nice people they would do the same foe US!" All I have seen is them taking and taking and taking from him. He swears is does not feel any Love for any of them he just feels sorry for them because they are not very bright people but the are just so nice and caring people. (the poisoned my dog rode dirt bikes in our yard and tried to run over me and allow there dog to tear up all of my plants. But he doesnt believe they could or would ever do such things because it has always happened of course when he wasnt around or watching he thinks I am just lying to get rid of them and he said "They are her to stay and I better just get use to it" Then he said to make it easier for me to deal with he would stop taking there calls and stop doing things for them. Well after two years he is still getting 3-5 calls a day from them How do I know it is them ? he gets this look on his face each time they call and then sets his phone down and walks away from it without answering it and refuses to say who it is. So if after Two years if if isnt taking there calls and doing things for them like he says they dont you think they would have gotten the hint and stopped calling by now??
I believe they still call constantly because he is lying to me and still is doing things for them behind my back!!! Also I am not allowed to talk to other men weather its the guy from les swab changing my tires a waiter in a restaurant or even his male family members. I love this man with all my heart He is a wonderful person and treats me very good except when it comes to his ex and her family so what do I do it is killing me but I dont want to lose him I have told him it is them or me and he says he has sought help to fix this so he wont lose me but refusing to say anything else - so is he seeing a professional counselor is is getting help to move on or is it just more lies and thats way he wont tell anything else?

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written by hopefull , 01 March, 2009

It's been five months since my bf did that to me I still feel a slight distrust only in my situation. "I found out" he didn't tell me at all about "her". So I still waiting for the feeling of hurt to go away and at this point I dunno if the image ever does.

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written by Ex perspective , 01 March, 2009

I wanted to share a story from the perspective of an ex. My b/f and I broke up couple of years ago after I ended it due to compatibility issues. I still valued his friendship and liked him as a person and so we have kept in touch over a year now (speaking practically every week two-three times or more) Admittedly conversations would become intimate every so often but at no time did I know he was seeing someone else. I had repeatedly asked him if he was dating someone so that I would know to end the frequent contact and stop any inappropriate conversations. He would stress that he had to time to date, he was busy with work etc..he was single!! Recently after our frequent calls in this manner for over a year his current girlfriend called me and he finally confessed that he was seeing someone...so much so that they are engaged. I feel so disgusted and enraged right now, not only for his lies towards me, but for his poor fiancee who like many of you probably never knew he was speaking to me. Once that trust is broken it is difficult to regain and for my part I have no intentions of ever speaking to him again. In this story I am the fortunate one to be free of the lies and deception. I urge you all who suspect your significant others of lying/ cheating etc to stop checking the phones and just confront them..and think clearly if you really want to continue a relationship with that person. Ask yourself can you really ever trust them again!!

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written by 7even , 06 March, 2009

Seriously wtf I was in my boyfriend's email to forward some paypal receipts, and I saw that he dated an email to his exgirlfriend starting with Secret Admirer, I mean hey, I wouldn't open it normally but whoever that see that would open it anyway right? With a title like From Your Secret Admirer.
Seriously what the fuck I opened it and it was like thinking of you always and things like that.
One time, in the afternoon, he called me by her name by accident, like baby. Seriously, it broke my heart but he assured me it was nothing. The thing is, I like him a lot and we are living together but he and his 2 exes still talk on msn a lot and he ALWAYS say that they are the one talking to him. Seriously who the fuck believes that. So then I stumble upon this e-mail last night, and I really don't know what to do because I really really really love him a lot. But this is seriously kind of draining my trust from him and he always says that I have trust issues and I need to trust him and things like that. I mean how the fuck am I suppose to trust him if I keep catching him doing things like that.
Everytime I try to ask him to clear things up, he always gets angry half way or he gives some excuse to me that I don't believe or he try to compare my past experience with him.

I'm so tired because I stayed up all night wishing that I didn't see the mail but oh well. I guess that's just the way it is.

Sad.

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written by LL , 18 March, 2009

Who needs a man. It's best to stay single. Dump them. Who needs the mind games and who needs the hurt and wondering if they are contacting their ex-wives or girlfriends all the time. Being called by their name is a also a sign of total disrespect. You are disrespecting yourselves by staying with them. I found it weird when my bf and I went to a restaurant and he ordered a meal that they use to have together. It was like he was trying to go back in time and recreate that moment they had shared together. I was even called her name during nookie. Plus several other times during the day. The room starts getting pretty crowded with a third person. They are still hung up on that person. What is it with these guys. I call it serious mental issues. Move on girls. You deserve better. If they can't see the loving person they have right now in front of them it's their lose not yours.

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written by KK , 18 March, 2009

Don't be played for a fool ladies. Break up with him. Leave him alone with his memories and his time chasing after his ex when he should have been spending his time with you.

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written by LL , 18 March, 2009

Who needs a man. It's best to stay single. Dump them. Who needs the mind games and who needs the hurt and wondering if they are contacting their ex-wives or girlfriends all the time. Being called by their name is also a sign of total disrespect. You are disrespecting yourselves by staying with them. I found it weird when my bf and I went to a restaurant and he ordered a meal that they use to have together. It was like he was trying to go back in time and recreate that moment they had shared together. I was even called her name during nookie. Plus several other times during the day. The room starts getting pretty crowded with a third person. They are still hung up on that person. What is it with these guys. I call it serious mental issues. Move on girls. You deserve better. If they can't see the loving person they have right now in front of them it's their loss not yours.

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written by Megs , 25 March, 2009

Ive only been dating my boyfriend for 5 months, and the start of the 3rd month, he began talking to his exes from 5 years ago and said it was no big deal. So i asked him to stop since he was dating me now. He said he was and deleted a couple numbers. Then I found out someone gave him advice to keep talking to them and keep it from me. Of course I found out that hes been lying to me. And he knew i had trust issues to begin with. I love him soooo much. He was quite possibly the love of my life and we had plans. But its just not worth being lied to. Hes gone.

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written by Cyndee , 02 June, 2009

I wish I could sit in a room (face to face) with all of you and discuss this. I am now married to the man that lied to me, which sounds so contradicting in nature. I found out that he lied to me a dozen times a year after we started dating. I forgave him and we talked about it and he realizes that he will NEVER do that to me again. Then the week before we are to be married...I find out from his ex that she had slept in his new townhome..went thru some of the items I had left there and she knew about a personal health issue I had with cancer. I felt betrayed and I still feel betrayed. My love is not the same anymore but my heart still wants me to be with him forever. To make matters worse she made up detailed stories of how they had sex 8 times while he and I were dating. How do I overcome this and will the pain ever go away for me. It seems to depress me and make me sad...I don't want to be that person but I can't help the pain I feel that is so strong and it sometimes takes over my whole being.

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written by meygan , 08 June, 2009

I know what you all are going through, I'm yet another woman going through the same thing. My boyfriend of a year lied to me right from the beginning, which I only recently found out about- that he was still DATING his ex when we got together! I am NOT by any means a home wrecker. I feel bad for her, and I feel embarrassed to be a part of this. I would have broke up with him when I found that out if I didn't care so much. I wish that I had the confidence to dump him. He lies to me a lot. I found him in bed with a girl, but of course he didn't sleep with her, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He hung out with his ex twice without telling me, yesterday he hung out with her for 2 hours but apparently they just "talked". He at least finally admitted that she has texted him, but I still have doubts about all of these things. It sucks. Love makes you put yourself through a lot of hurt and pain. I can't believe that I am in this situation right now. I sincerely want to leave, but it is going to be incredibly difficult.