Truth About Deception

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written by Suzy , 24 October, 2007

The same thing is happening to me...
The exact same thing...
I can't control my jealousy nor my questions...
It is very hard though I really love him.

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written by marji , 19 December, 2007

this advice makes the betrayed partner feel worse, or seem like it's his/her fault their partner has lied to them about talking to their ex.

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written by CLou , 15 January, 2008

I agree with marj, I've recently had issues with my boyfriend with him lying to me, and I read this advice and I'm feeling now like it's something that I did wrong to make him lie to me...

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written by Kissy , 16 January, 2008

I experienced the same thing - for the past 4 years! Wonder how I managed to survive? I get back at him. By doing the same thing he did- chat with other men, dating, even to the point of sleeping with them.
Do I feel goo about it? Not at all. My heart slowly dies and now could no longer feel an y pain he brought to me.

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written by Chelbyjoy , 11 February, 2008

I agree with marj and clue... I am in the same situation he says he won't contact his ex outside of work, yet he still does... This is not helpful advice... it only made me angry to read this.

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written by RJ , 13 February, 2008

Wow. A lot more people are going through this than I thought. I have the same problem.

My fiance has previously been married to another woman and I find myself going through his msn chat logs. One time on I looked on purpose and one time on accident. I can't sleep at night thinking about how she talks about still being attracted to him sexually, the past and trying to bring up when they used to have sex. I try to talk to him about it and he gets angry in an instant calling me invasive. I admit that this might be invasive, but that doesn't change what has happened and how I cry everyday about it.

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written by Marji , 29 February, 2008

Let's see, it's been 3 months since I last posted, and I still have bouts of depression and anger every time I think about how he lied about talking to his ex for a year to me.
I know sometimes I am being unreasonable with my demands and anger towards him. But the pain is overwhelming at times, and it paralyzes me. I just don't know if I'll ever get over his betrayal. I've stopped feeling special a long time ago. Underneath all the anger, I still love him. But the anger and the pain really blurs this fact for me.

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written by Katlean , 31 March, 2008

I am going through something like this right now too. I recently married and and my husband is still talking to and about his ex-girlfriend. He refuses to tell her we area married!!!!! I am livid. He broke up with her last year, supposedly, and she calls him still, and she thinks I am just a girlfriend, makes dates for sex. To date, he has not gone on them but I know he wants to cause he tells me so. We are married and they are both disrespecting me and our relationship!!!! I love this man but I don't like the way I am being treated.

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written by Candie , 01 April, 2008

I am also going through the same thing. I am on the verge of ending my year long relationship with my boyfriend or should I say soon to be ex boyfriend because he refuses to tell the truth. He even admitted to me earlier in the relationship when he was caught cheating that he is a pathological liar. How can I continue on with someone who admits this? Love make you do peculiar things, but I need to be strong and realize, there are better men for me out there. Hope this optimistic advise helps you ladies in similar situations.

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written by kris kris , 17 April, 2008

I actually am a guy who's been single for 3 years now, as I've never been with anyone apart from my first girlfriend who ended up getting married to a friend after our 2 year relationship ended, but as they got together 1 month after we split up I was unable to get to a point where we could be friends. I'm 26 and don't think I'll ever find anyone I think about her every day and distance myself as much as possible from her as she doesn't seem to want to talk to me although we have the same friends, what can I do as I know if I talk to her (not even about us just normal stuff) she just gives me a funny look I feel sad as she was my best friend and now I don't have that either, can anyone tell me from a womens point of view whats going through her mind and what I should do? I'm not trying to get her back I think I just need some kind of closure and I can't say anything as she will tell her husband. Thank you for reading and any help I get.

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written by Vicssecret4me , 25 April, 2008

Well, sounds as if we are all in the same boat! Here I am 37 and dealing with "bs" I never thought I would in my age and wisdom! Found him this last Sunday at a bar with his ex wife, who happened to kick him out, because she fell for a man in prison (3 yrs ago...). Oh, did I mention that when they first met each other, she was married to another man, and she kicked him out to be with my now bf! Well, I am officially numb, hurt, and honestly tired of the stupid bs!!! I have distanced myself from him, and told him that this "relationship" is now officially about ME!!! I don't even have a desire to make love to him anymore. Where as, I was constantly wanting to be intimate with him!!! By the way, this is the fourth time, he has lied to me about his ex. Says he feels sorry for her, and that she is a friend!! Well I said no more... you can call her (trying to negotiate with him) but I insist you NOT hang with her anymore!! Will it stop him?? What he doesn't know is that I have access to his phone bills, etc... and he is a CRAPPY liar!! So... will keep all posted!! Good luck to all of you who are as weak as me... and still has to stay with a man, who lies... love does "shi**y" things, doesn't it?

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written by mousie , 10 May, 2008

I never in a million years thought that I would be going through this, let alone that there are others like me out there. All I can say is that this has been going on for 3 1/2 years and it still hurts like the first day.. I've know my man since the 2nd grade and he's never payed any attention to me until recently with his wife left him for another man @ took his son.. after that he always loved me, which I found out is all lies.. He's called me her name, he tries to relive/react every thing they shared
(which I know every detail since we where once friends) I've come to the point that all I can do is cry.. He's lied to me about sooo many things, he claims that they were told to spare my feelings, I'm just at a point that I don't know what to do anymore. My mind is tired my heart is beat up oh did I mention that we have a child makes things all the harder.. if any one out there who knows what I should do please let me know..

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written by GGGG , 18 July, 2008

I have been in the same boat and it is not pleasant the feeling that someone is lying to you.

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written by cnd67 , 05 August, 2008

I agree totally with marji, clou, RJ, a whole lot of you. I think with my bf, it feels like the only reason he's with me is because she doesn't want him. At first his contact with her didn't bother me. Then he started having a problem with some of my male friends. Said it was because they have low moral standards. I pointed out that his ex did too, yet he still called her all the time, still had a friendship. He said he'd cut contact with her. So I cut contact with my male friends that he didn't like. he lied, he continued to call her, just did it behind my back. called her 3 times on my 40th birthday, which was a non-event, maybe because his heart was elsewhere. Then he engages in other deceptive practices, privately chatting with, calling, and txting female co-workers and lying about that to me too, like I'm just Ms. You'll Do For Now. then tells me she's his "friend" -- heard that before. He's only been on the job for a couple months... again, he felt the need to hide that from me, close chat windows when I walk in the room, and lie about it when asked. He's a busy guy. He still has time to continually call his ex. This is the behavior that just furthers my belief that his ex is the one who's important in his heart, I'm convenient, and he's going to keep looking for something else. He and I have only been together a year and a half. We're not married, and he's not the father of my daughter. these things make my decision easier. We have to leave. All I am doing by staying with him is rewarding his bad behavior and allowing it to affect me negatively. My daughter is 4. She doesn't deserve to live in this dysfunction.

Whoever wrote the response to the original question missed the mark. I'm not jealous. I'm betrayed. There's a difference. My bf lied to me from the start. He made himself out to be something he's not and couldn't live up to. He moved in with me when he was 41. By then, a guy's just deceptive by nature.

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written by mitter11 , 07 August, 2008

I'm reading this and agreeing with most of the comments here.. My girlfriend calls her ex's approximately 5-6 times a month, and there are 6-7 of them going back 8 years.. I found out 2 years ago, and she promised no to do it anymore, but she keeps doing it anyway. I found out by checking her phone and occasionally her e-mails. Also, she started e-mailing and calling people she meets thru her work as a flight attendant, then when confronted lies about it and tells me they're gay, then I found out later that's not true. She says nothing's going on withe any of them, but I have to believe that there's something wrong with someone who has the insatiable need to keep in contact with ex's and new guys constantly. Help, I can't believe I'm still putting up with this at my age, 48. What should I do?

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written by mitter11 , 07 August, 2008

to cnd67.. I know exactly how U R feeling.. I hope things work out for you soon, the betrayal is maddening and it slowing eats away at you..good luck

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written by mary1981 , 01 September, 2008

This is complete and utter crap - my boyfriend is doing the same thing I was looking for a number for his birthday and saw his ex had called he told me that it had been a long time ago. I had already looked and he had talked with her a day before
mind you I have never met her and yet they are friends

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written by thisissad. , 14 September, 2008

I can't believe how sad this blog is. I too, suspected things with my boyfriend. I checked his phone and found out he hung out with his ex-girlfriend. after taking a short break, I gave him another chance. BIG MISTAKE. one month later, I caught him again. this time he told me he was at home sleeping- yet I drove by and he wasn't even home (at 3AM, on my way home from work!!) so I am trying to end things. This just happened yesterday. Its so hard but I know that I will never again be able to trust him. Things can't just go back to normal. Those knots in the stomach stay there.

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written by hmelt88 , 16 September, 2008

I try my hardest-like most I'm sure-to make trust the basis of my relationship. my boyfriend and i have been together for 9 months and he was with his ex for at least 2 years before me. i learned (on my own) early on in our relationship that they lived together-which is a big deal for me. he has yet to tell me anything about her--even the fact that they lived together. I feel so guilty, but I've looked at his call log several times and found that they talk-not often, but about once a month... I just find it weird that I've told him everything about my ex and he's never said so much as one word about his... I've learned more on my own and from his mom that from him...His mom said he knows he made a mistake by dating this other girl (supposedly she was a piece of work) and he just doesn't want to have to face me with it.... I want to ask him so bad about her but I don't know how to bring it up. I just want some piece of mind... any suggestions on how to bring it up??

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written by whatsleftofme , 29 September, 2008

Wow! I really didn't think anyone could be putting up with the same things I am putting up with (going on 4 years now) Putting up with this kind of behavior really brings your self-esteem down to nearly nothing. You feel like you are never going to be good enough. Especially after 4 years he still hasn't decided it would be a good idea to sign the divorce papers. I know all of your issues seem to be at their worst. Trust me, you haven't made a fool of yourself til you've walked a mile in my shoes. For instance, many trips to her home for a week at a time b/c we want to make sure everything is ok with her, going into the other room or completely running me off because she has called or he told her he would call her back. He claims he feels sorry for her b/c she doesn't have anyone. She uses every manipulating tool available to make him feel sorry for her. Crying, screaming, self-infliction threats, any and everything you can imagine. Neither of them were happy in their marriage. He bent over backwards try to make her happy all in vain. Now I'm the one trying to make him happy and she is still getting the best part of him. He tells me that he will never be that person again. That only makes me feel like less of a person because how can you love and care for someone so much give everything you have and it still not be good enough. Yet all the while he tried the exact same thing with her and she never even appreciated anything he ever done for her. Oh but now she claims she does. Nothing has changed with her and never will. She still acts like the same spoiled ass brat she always did when she doesn't get her way. I'm a fool for doing this to myself. I know it sounds very simple, and if I weren't in this situation and were just merely reading about someone else I would say the same thing,"What are you doing? Find someone else!" But that really is not that simple at all when you are in love with someone that so obviously is in love with someone else. All I can say is Lord help me and all of you who are going through this same thing.

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written by About his ex , 22 November, 2008

Well, here the same problem. My boyfriend said to me many times that he hasn't spoken to his ex (luckily she lives in Australia, we in Finland) for a year and 5 months (they met July 2007 but the girl moved back on Aug 2007). But I have discovered that they still in contact and the girl writes to him about how nice his bed was, if he is a good kisser, that they shouldn't talk about kisses because then the girl wants and cannot get any, that if she had an erotic dream about him...and the stupid of my boyfriend didn't mention to her that has new girlfriend (me). He is waiting anxious that his ex will be exchange student to Helsinki on Oct 2009 so they can meet and hang out. He has said to her that he wants to see her. My heart dies every time I think about this. I have a gut feeling that I don't like... Once I told him to take out a picture of he and his ex I found in the net because he told me he doesn't want pictures of him in there, but he hasn't done a thing to take it out. I only think that he is waiting for her to come. What can I do? I am bit obsessed about this and I don't want to give this relation up.

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written by Hayley87 , 11 December, 2008

I am going through this at the moment. My boyfriend of 5 months lives 3 and a half hours from me. I go up and see him every weekend. He called me by the name of his ex, it was nothing intimate, but it has really ate me up inside. I don't want to look at him any more! I had so much love for him but by being called by the name of his ex it has shattered my confidence and just doesn't feel the same. I feel as if every time he looks at me he sees her. I hope he is happy now, shes obviously had one over because he is going to lose me. Its only been a week but its got worse and I can't be with the guy any longer.

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written by Lost in the world of his ex , 25 February, 2009

OMG I thought I was the only one or a least a rare few to be dealing with this!!! After my Bf's wife committed suicide he ran into a woman he new from High school (so he says( she was actually stocking him)anyway she did everything to she could to make him feel sorry for her( husband abused her threw her out no where to go homeless etc.) so he felt that with his wife of 22 years gone and him being in so much pain and lost after only 2 weeks of his wife's death he let this woman move in with him. she did nothing but use and took advantage of him even moving all of her family in for him to be responsible for he bent over backwards for her gave and gave and gave even married her after 3 years.(and is still after 11 years trying to get out of major debt for all the credit card bills she ran up and maxed out). then she finally got a job and left him 1 year after they were married(But Her sister still lives here on his property because he gave her 2 acres of his land). anyway now that was 6 years ago and we have been together for two years, he says he cant marry me but refuses to tell me why and insist on and tried to insist on me being friends with her and her family. I am not jealous I just dont understand why he still insists on being involved with these people he even told me he considers her grandkids as his( they came after the divorce and they are not his kids)and he tells everyone they are his. the whole relationship between them consists of her and her family calling constantly with I need this and that and he runs and does for all of them still.IE: she needed a load of hay so he at his expense when and pick up and delivered the hay to her door and unloaded for her.
taking them shopping buying them all expensive gifts and continue to pay the property taxes water rights and all the expense that goes with owning the property that her sister lives on while they live there for free and are in my yard constantly acting like they are the ones who own the place. He does not see a problem with this and gets pissed if I say this is just not right and needs to stop his excuse is "I dont feel there is a problem with this I feel sorry for them and we have been friends since high school and they are just such nice people they would do the same foe US!" All I have seen is them taking and taking and taking from him. He swears is does not feel any Love for any of them he just feels sorry for them because they are not very bright people but the are just so nice and caring people. (the poisoned my dog rode dirt bikes in our yard and tried to run over me and allow there dog to tear up all of my plants. But he doesnt believe they could or would ever do such things because it has always happened of course when he wasnt around or watching he thinks I am just lying to get rid of them and he said "They are her to stay and I better just get use to it" Then he said to make it easier for me to deal with he would stop taking there calls and stop doing things for them. Well after two years he is still getting 3-5 calls a day from them How do I know it is them ? he gets this look on his face each time they call and then sets his phone down and walks away from it without answering it and refuses to say who it is. So if after Two years if if isnt taking there calls and doing things for them like he says they dont you think they would have gotten the hint and stopped calling by now??
I believe they still call constantly because he is lying to me and still is doing things for them behind my back!!! Also I am not allowed to talk to other men weather its the guy from les swab changing my tires a waiter in a restaurant or even his male family members. I love this man with all my heart He is a wonderful person and treats me very good except when it comes to his ex and her family so what do I do it is killing me but I dont want to lose him I have told him it is them or me and he says he has sought help to fix this so he wont lose me but refusing to say anything else - so is he seeing a professional counselor is is getting help to move on or is it just more lies and thats way he wont tell anything else?

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written by hopefull , 01 March, 2009

It's been five months since my bf did that to me I still feel a slight distrust only in my situation. "I found out" he didn't tell me at all about "her". So I still waiting for the feeling of hurt to go away and at this point I dunno if the image ever does.

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written by Ex perspective , 01 March, 2009

I wanted to share a story from the perspective of an ex. My b/f and I broke up couple of years ago after I ended it due to compatibility issues. I still valued his friendship and liked him as a person and so we have kept in touch over a year now (speaking practically every week two-three times or more) Admittedly conversations would become intimate every so often but at no time did I know he was seeing someone else. I had repeatedly asked him if he was dating someone so that I would know to end the frequent contact and stop any inappropriate conversations. He would stress that he had to time to date, he was busy with work etc..he was single!! Recently after our frequent calls in this manner for over a year his current girlfriend called me and he finally confessed that he was seeing someone...so much so that they are engaged. I feel so disgusted and enraged right now, not only for his lies towards me, but for his poor fiancee who like many of you probably never knew he was speaking to me. Once that trust is broken it is difficult to regain and for my part I have no intentions of ever speaking to him again. In this story I am the fortunate one to be free of the lies and deception. I urge you all who suspect your significant others of lying/ cheating etc to stop checking the phones and just confront them..and think clearly if you really want to continue a relationship with that person. Ask yourself can you really ever trust them again!!

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written by 7even , 06 March, 2009

Seriously wtf I was in my boyfriend's email to forward some paypal receipts, and I saw that he dated an email to his exgirlfriend starting with Secret Admirer, I mean hey, I wouldn't open it normally but whoever that see that would open it anyway right? With a title like From Your Secret Admirer.
Seriously what the fuck I opened it and it was like thinking of you always and things like that.
One time, in the afternoon, he called me by her name by accident, like baby. Seriously, it broke my heart but he assured me it was nothing. The thing is, I like him a lot and we are living together but he and his 2 exes still talk on msn a lot and he ALWAYS say that they are the one talking to him. Seriously who the fuck believes that. So then I stumble upon this e-mail last night, and I really don't know what to do because I really really really love him a lot. But this is seriously kind of draining my trust from him and he always says that I have trust issues and I need to trust him and things like that. I mean how the fuck am I suppose to trust him if I keep catching him doing things like that.
Everytime I try to ask him to clear things up, he always gets angry half way or he gives some excuse to me that I don't believe or he try to compare my past experience with him.

I'm so tired because I stayed up all night wishing that I didn't see the mail but oh well. I guess that's just the way it is.

Sad.

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written by LL , 18 March, 2009

Who needs a man. It's best to stay single. Dump them. Who needs the mind games and who needs the hurt and wondering if they are contacting their ex-wives or girlfriends all the time. Being called by their name is a also a sign of total disrespect. You are disrespecting yourselves by staying with them. I found it weird when my bf and I went to a restaurant and he ordered a meal that they use to have together. It was like he was trying to go back in time and recreate that moment they had shared together. I was even called her name during nookie. Plus several other times during the day. The room starts getting pretty crowded with a third person. They are still hung up on that person. What is it with these guys. I call it serious mental issues. Move on girls. You deserve better. If they can't see the loving person they have right now in front of them it's their lose not yours.

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written by KK , 18 March, 2009

Don't be played for a fool ladies. Break up with him. Leave him alone with his memories and his time chasing after his ex when he should have been spending his time with you.

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written by LL , 18 March, 2009

Who needs a man. It's best to stay single. Dump them. Who needs the mind games and who needs the hurt and wondering if they are contacting their ex-wives or girlfriends all the time. Being called by their name is also a sign of total disrespect. You are disrespecting yourselves by staying with them. I found it weird when my bf and I went to a restaurant and he ordered a meal that they use to have together. It was like he was trying to go back in time and recreate that moment they had shared together. I was even called her name during nookie. Plus several other times during the day. The room starts getting pretty crowded with a third person. They are still hung up on that person. What is it with these guys. I call it serious mental issues. Move on girls. You deserve better. If they can't see the loving person they have right now in front of them it's their loss not yours.

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written by Megs , 25 March, 2009

Ive only been dating my boyfriend for 5 months, and the start of the 3rd month, he began talking to his exes from 5 years ago and said it was no big deal. So i asked him to stop since he was dating me now. He said he was and deleted a couple numbers. Then I found out someone gave him advice to keep talking to them and keep it from me. Of course I found out that hes been lying to me. And he knew i had trust issues to begin with. I love him soooo much. He was quite possibly the love of my life and we had plans. But its just not worth being lied to. Hes gone.

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written by Cyndee , 02 June, 2009

I wish I could sit in a room (face to face) with all of you and discuss this. I am now married to the man that lied to me, which sounds so contradicting in nature. I found out that he lied to me a dozen times a year after we started dating. I forgave him and we talked about it and he realizes that he will NEVER do that to me again. Then the week before we are to be married...I find out from his ex that she had slept in his new townhome..went thru some of the items I had left there and she knew about a personal health issue I had with cancer. I felt betrayed and I still feel betrayed. My love is not the same anymore but my heart still wants me to be with him forever. To make matters worse she made up detailed stories of how they had sex 8 times while he and I were dating. How do I overcome this and will the pain ever go away for me. It seems to depress me and make me sad...I don't want to be that person but I can't help the pain I feel that is so strong and it sometimes takes over my whole being.

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written by meygan , 08 June, 2009

I know what you all are going through, I'm yet another woman going through the same thing. My boyfriend of a year lied to me right from the beginning, which I only recently found out about- that he was still DATING his ex when we got together! I am NOT by any means a home wrecker. I feel bad for her, and I feel embarrassed to be a part of this. I would have broke up with him when I found that out if I didn't care so much. I wish that I had the confidence to dump him. He lies to me a lot. I found him in bed with a girl, but of course he didn't sleep with her, so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. He hung out with his ex twice without telling me, yesterday he hung out with her for 2 hours but apparently they just "talked". He at least finally admitted that she has texted him, but I still have doubts about all of these things. It sucks. Love makes you put yourself through a lot of hurt and pain. I can't believe that I am in this situation right now. I sincerely want to leave, but it is going to be incredibly difficult.

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written by the heart is tender but the head knows best , 30 June, 2009

I'm on the other side-went through this and I broke up with him. I know all about it my friends. I'll spare you the details, it is the same as your story. Bottom line- they WILL continue to lie to you. You CANNOT control other people, only yourself. Guess what? I took a chance with my heart for almost 3 years- I gave him an ultimatum NO MORE talking to the ex, I was sick of the lies. He agreed. Guess what, he has been in contact with her even after I gave him an ultimatum that it's her or me. I learned that once you have to give ultimatums it is doomed.

He just drove it deep underground. Where I couldn't see it, my entire relationship has been a lie. I also found out he may have dated other girls during the time we were fighting. His side is that he was sick of the fighting so justified contacting her and others even more. That is the mind set of the people you are dealing with.

Now I am living my biggest fear, I stayed with him because I wanted to believe she would be phased out, then things would be wonderful. What I didn't realize is how bad it would hurt once all this time passed and he chose to lie to me all this time. It's better to save your dignity people.

Your heart is tender, but your head has to tell it it is not a stupid thing, but that you reasoning has to step in. Take a few steps back, it's not good to be with someone who you ask them to change behaviors and they don't. That's a major red flag. Then you can't really complain if they kep doing that or worse. And it will get worse because they see you are tolerating it already. Their words are lies to keep you around because they couldn't get their first choice. Or maybe they are just philanderers. Does it really matter which, it's not good for you.

Once you take that first step into looking past the lies, you start to lose yourself, your sanity (because you know unconsciously you are being deceived) and trust me the anger you give off is very real. Then they will justify what they do even more.

The bottom line is- if you are with someone who is in contact with exes and you don't like it, just get out.
Are you happy? Do you like the way this feels? The lump in the stomach? The anxiety? The checking? Life doesn't have to be like this, just leave.

That's your only choice, don't be like me putting your heart on the line to find out what I did. That they would throw you over in a second for this other they have been fighting so hard to keep in contact with. And really, you already know this deep down, right?

Someone that wants to be with you won't need to be in contact with a harem or even one ex. Break up now while you still have the power in your court. I lost my job because I was not performing well due to all the stress taking it's toll, you only live once please tell your heart it will heal but your head needs to make the decision. Peace.

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written by the heart is tender but the head knows best , 30 June, 2009

I think where people get caught up is in concentrating on the content of the little lies (it was just a birthday call she/he didn't mention, it was just a lunch she/he didn't mention, it was just etc etc) and then making a rule for big lies.

Lies are lies. Don't put up with a liar. You should give yourself the 3 lies and you're out rule. Leaving something out deliberately IS a lie. Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

I know you don't want to believe it , but if they are lying to you that mean they don't respect you either. Those are the 2 cornerstones of any relationship to work. Without trust(yours) and respect (both them and you) it's dead.

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written by So Confused. , 12 July, 2009

Can't believe how many of us are in the same situation. Just last month I found out that my bf was flirting with somebody online and hid it from me. They were supposed to meet this month and last month but luckily I found out everything before they met when I accidentally saw the previous chat/conversation they had online. I really got upset and broke up with him but he didn’t want us to split so he promised me that he will gonna stop talking to her. Just last 2 weeks ago I saw his e-mail and found out some exchanged mails with the same person. I really got pissed so I tried to break up with him again- this is when he finally cut the communication with her. I was cool and fine. I though everything was okay and that he realized everything he did to me. Then again last week, I found out that he will be meeting his ex in London for 3-4 days to help her buy something whatever without telling me. I got so pissed and finally broke up with him 5 days ago. Now he wants me back. He sent an email to his ex canceling their meeting next week and he mentioned to his ex that it is unreasonable for them to meet as he is in a relationship now blah blah blah. He is trying to correct everything and do whatever can save our relationship. I am confused. I wanna move on as I don’t trust him anymore and I know one day he might do it again. What will I do? He lied to me many times and hid a lot of things and now he is trying to win me back again. I want to run away from him and focus on myself instead. I loved him so much but he betrayed me many time. Do you think he deserve an Nth chance??

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written by madfiance1 , 15 July, 2009

Ok, I am also going through the same thing! I am getting married in a month to my 8 month old daughters father who I have been with for almost five years. For the past 3 and a half years he has been talking on and off with his ex...He says its just a voice over the phone, but i do not believe him. He has been telling me that he has not talked to her in over a year but i just found out today that he is...I found her number on our cell phone bill. I feel so betrayed and disgusted I do not know what to do I love him death but i do not trust him at all...The main thing that scares me is that for his job he is working out of town 95% of the time so I feel like he is talking to her for comfort instead of me...There are nights he will not answer his phone and he will tell me that he fell asleep early. What should i do I am thinking that I shouldnt marry this man because I am going to end up with a broken heart.

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written by This says it all! , 06 August, 2009

"Let it slide" by Nikki Floures Great song, I know it will touch all of you going thru this. It did me.

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written by second best , 06 August, 2009

My girlfriend has lied to me and recently, there was a huge confrontation after I looked in her phone and found her exes number there disguised as a family member. I felt awful for looking because I feel this situation has turned me into someone I wasn't before.
Some background on this: we are both female, her ex (also a woman) left her after 12 years being together. Her ex is now with a man. My girlfriend was very hurt by what happened but as much as this hurts me to say this, I think she's still in love with her. Her friends have called me by her exes name, even my girlfriend did once. It simply reinforces the feeling that I'm a replacement for someone she can't have.
My partner had been emailing and phoning her ex for a while at the start of our relationship, this caused a lot of arguments. I was unaware that this had been going on, I just felt hurt and betrayed, like I was 2nd best. We now live together and have been together over two years but still this is hanging over me. When I've tried to talk about this, she says that they were together a long time - which I understand - and she didnt want to say her ex had contacted her because I'd overreact.
To sum it up, it feels like even though this girl broke her heart, she'll still talk to her (when her ex is feeling sorry for herself or has no one else to talk to) and forget everything that happened.
We've been at breaking point a few times over this and people say I should leave her. I can't. I always think that her ex is going to go away eventually, that my girlfriend will forget her and focus on us. But then something happens again.
I feel totally worthless, I get upset all the time over this and as not many people know I'm gay, I've not really got anyone to talk to.

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written by bestfriend , 09 August, 2009

My best guy friend cheated on his girlfriend of a year and half with me.
He told me they had broken up, so i didnt know.

Then we had issue about her because he would tell me that he still loved her and even told her that.

We broke up, and now he's dating her.

It's horrible and I cry everyday.
I feel like I was nothing to him, while he was my absolute everything.

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written by taken for a fool , 16 August, 2009

My ex-bf lied to me right from the start of our relationship. The lies revolved around his ex and the nature of their relationship. At first, she was just a friend, then she was a 'friend with benefits'. He lied to me about how long he was with her (from 2 months to over a year). He swore on his grandpa's life that she never met his friends or family (found out she spent 2 Christmases with them). He swore up and down that he was ashamed of this girl and was only lying to protect me and to hide his past. I bought into his B.S. and he moved in with me.

Let me tell you, once a liar, always a liar. As mentioned above, it doesn't matter what the content of the lies are about, it's the fact that someone thinks so little of you that they will stop at nothing to try and deceive you. For 7 months, I was a total wreck...anxiety, mind racing, checking email/phone, driving by his place, all in the name of trying to determine the truth.

I am now alone and although it's tough and I do miss the good parts of our relationship, at least I can finally sleep again at night. Someone who lies to you shouldn't even be considered friend material, let alone boyfriend or even husband material.

The liar will always blame YOU. They don't care who they hurt. They only think of themselves. They may be the most gorgeous, charming, intelligent individuals on the face of the planet, but they are still selfish, immature and mean. My advice is to run like hell. They will NEVER change. I repeat NEVER. No life is worth the pain and loss of dignity that their lying creates.

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written by Breeze , 19 August, 2009

To "taken for a fool" - I totally agree with you, you're absolutely right!

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written by andrea00mc , 21 August, 2009

kris kris... i know you had a post over a year ago but i would like to talk to you know, i'm only after coming across this website. i still feel strongly for my ex also. you're not on your own.
This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it '> This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it ... the email address is pretty old...
andrea

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written by R ALL THE HONEST MEN DEAD? , 10 September, 2009

omg im going thro the same thing, my boyfriend has REPEATEDLY lied to me about exes that have been trying to contact him, it got so bad at one point he had to close his fb. after 3 years of relationship (me pouring my heart and soul into it) i found out he has lied to me AGAIN.
I have given him plenty of "off the record" chances to come out with the truth and every time he swore up and down that was the last thing.

gaw im frustrated and i don't know if i should stay with him anymore!

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written by Anie , 11 September, 2009

This is all so sad. I am in the same boat. After 2 yrs of relationship and 3 years of marriage I left my husband on our 3rd wedding anniversary as I could not take his lying anymore. He keeps lying about smsing his gf and even goes to the extend of deleting the sent smses from his hp sent folder. The last straw was when I told him that since he cant tell me the truth, he has to stop all correspondences with her. I even told him that he should not add her to facebook. He said ok and less than a wk later added her to facebook but tried to hide it by deleting the messages from his wall. I couldnt take it anymore and so i left.

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written by TFace , 30 September, 2009

situation remains the same, except time is running out. i am here in the usa, he is here in the usa but came from europe about 3 months ago, and he is leaving in 2 weeks. he used to tell me about the girls he dated and kept secret from each other, and his player friends, and how he treated women badly. didn't bother me though because i wasn't being very serious with him, and he genuinely seemed sweet. now it is more serious, but he wants to call me his girlfriend, tell me how he is so done with his ex that it feels great, and then say "yeah, go ahead, look through my phone, you won't find anything" just because in times past i have given him the respect. well red flag thrown, this time i did, and oh! first message on his phone was from his ex. i have been angry about this for a few days, and although he apologizes and tells me i'm the one, i still have a feeling he lies, is lying, will lie. and every time he opens his mouth about it, new tidbits of info come out that show what a liar he really is. he's not even a liar, he's selfish, and it's at my risk. well, he's leaving in two weeks, and i'm trying to forgive him, but i don't know why.

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written by Geri , 30 October, 2009

I'm ending my so called relationship with a man after a year.Something was nagging at me and i looked through his phone and computer and found his ex's number in his phone and her screen name on his buddy list.
He said that she's getting married and knows about me but he also said that they talk a few times a year for only a few minutes.
It's now October and when i found her number,i looked through call logs in his phone and found out they'd had a conversation that lasted over an hour and a half in June. That was around the time he and i were becoming intimate!
He also gave an alternate excuse and said that it was just a matter of not having deleted her number. Conflicting excuses if you ask me.
From what i understand,she wasn't a very classy woman and has nothing over me in the looks department so to say i'm offended is an understatement.
I'm disgusted.
I think a lot of men like to have their egos stroked by as many women as possible or he could have feelings for her still.Either way i'm out and i'm glad i snooped.
Other aspects of the relationship left a lot to be desired so in a way this was a god send.
I can move on and be in peace.
I always say,when in doubt,check it out.

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written by u call that advice? , 02 November, 2009

I don't think this is any kind of advice- I have dealt with it and left the guy I would look at the whole commitment issue between u and ur guy- after leaving the guy went to counseling and had to be taught how to show commitment. this might be ur guys problem after his sessions I gave him 6mos.of just dating to see if he could be accountable for his actions. My advice you any of you wondering what to do try couples counseling if you care about the guy or have a lot of time invested or flat out do not give people that kind of control of your feelings - hey you can talk to people to- let the shoe be on the other foot.

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written by Lying is the Issue , 09 November, 2009

I do not think that speaking to an ex is at all terrible, necessarily. I am a friend with a few ex's (long time past, they all live in cities far away) . . . we are not super-close friends, but remain friends nonetheless. My fiance (we'll call him Brent) is friends with some of his ex's as well, and by and large I am really fine with the fact that he talks with them with one major exception.

His most recent ex-girl friend (I call her the "Migraine") is the ex that he remains closest to. She is from an uppity background in St. Louis and has terrible family issues (waaaaay messed up) that she cannot share with most people in her sphere and he has some pretty normal family stuff as well that they bonded over because he felt that he could not share it with many people either. So, they call or chat each other when there's some stress. Admittedly, this is the part that makes me a little bit uncomfortable. When she suspected her then-boyfriend (now fiance) was posting to personals while dating her, she flipped and turned to Brent right away. When I nearly broke it off with him due to some non-related issue, he immediately reached out to her. This kind of continued emotional co-crutch thingy is definitely something that I think is inappropriate and would be surprised if her fiance is cool with it either.

HOWEVER, even this I can tolerate. What drives me to madness is that he is NOT open about the fact that he and the Migraine talk in this way or really very open about their friendship at all. My view is that the way that being friends with ex's works in a mature relationship is by having total honesty and transparency about it. I feel like screaming "is that too much to ask?" from the roof. I am really an open and very accepting person and all I ask is for honesty. What hurts my heart and drives me to tears. I am thinking about not marrying him at all, after all, and I certainly will not marry him until this issue is resolved in some way or another.

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written by mell , 03 December, 2009

look guys always lie about everything they dont know how to keep it 100. That right thing to do is 2 stay single and let go.

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written by IggyPop , 27 December, 2009

Wow! So glad I stumbled upon this site. While the original article's advice is total crap, I found a lot of wisdom and encouragement from the comments.

I had this very same problem with my current boyfriend two years ago. We had just moved in together and in trying to organize some of his papers lying around I found that he had mailed a few packages to a mysterious address. I put two and two together when I recognized the city on the receipts as his ex GF's. The next few weeks that followed were heart/gut wrenching for me. I was physically and mentally ill over knowing that he had gone behind my back. Every time he would leave the house I felt the need to look through more of his stuff and dig out the truth. God, it was awful. I found more things he was planning on sending her and lots of cards and letters from several ex's and girl-friends.

To make a long story short, I finally got the courage to call him on it. He cried and said that he didn't have feelings for her but felt sorry for her and obligated to repay her in some way for all of her friendship and support over their years together and blah, blah.... I didn't really buy into it but it felt SO GOOD to confront him. I was able to slowly forgive him and let it all go.

Only, a month ago, I stumbled that danged address again copied onto a paper, folded up in his sock drawer closet. I confronted him about it again. Tears flowed, again. Said he "couldn't bear to throw the address away" or some crap.

I feel like I will always be on my guard, looking over my shoulder with him. I know this isn't healthy for our relationship. It's just too hard to let go. I pray that if this happens again, that I will be sent over the edge and can muster up the courage to leave.

To all of you out there experiencing the same thing, hang in there. I'm convinced that either couples counseling or leaving are your best options. And remember, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

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written by sss , 30 December, 2009

Im going through a relationship which includes many lies. It has been two years. And i guess its enough. But still i dont know how can i live without him cause he is the only thing in my life. I left my education, my future for him and i knew that our relationship will end up this way but still it couldnt change my decision. He tells me that he loves me but he doesnt shows that with his behaviors...So what does this "love" means? I think that real love is inside a guy's behaviors. I told him how i go crazy, upset, anxious when he doesnt answers my calls cause he is staying at the same apartment with his ex (he lied to me about her a lot and keep contacting behind my back) and he is living one hour distance from me. But still, usually he doesnt answers my calls and he calls me back after 1 hour or something like that. Maybe now he isnt in contact with his ex but still, i cant manage to trust him. I have to leave him...But still ive got questions in my mind: What if he is not lying to me anymore? What if he is not in contact with his ex anymore?..I hate guys!

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written by Average Guy , 03 January, 2010

Stop being clingy and obsessive. If he's not telling the truth its probably something you won't accept or cant handle. If you don't like what your man is doing..... Get a new one. simple as that. Nothing worse then in insecure, clingy female who probably doesn't give it up enough and gives head once a quarter!

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written by amanda2 , 06 January, 2010

I found out my husband had been talking to his ex. This all happened about a year ago (when I found out) and he had talked to her about a year before that off and on until I found out. I was so hurt I thought about leaving him because he had kept it a secret from me and lied about it numerous times. There were a lot of talks and I even confronted her. Needless to say, it wasn't until a year after I found out that I finally got closure. Now that I am ok with him being friends with her on facebook, he doesn't ever go behind my back to talk to her and hasn't really had much contact with her. There really is something about knowing that they aren't supposed to be doing something that makes them want to do it more..and then once they find out you are ok with it (if they are TRUTHFUL WITH YOU), they don't do it anymore..

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written by Wow.. for all you incredible women on here, LEAVE HIM! , 12 January, 2010

I can't believe what I'm reading on here... like so many of you who have uttered those same words, I feel and totally understand what you all have gone through. As of last week, I caught my (now ex-) boyfriend of a year and 1/2 in a big lie: He has a number of ex-g/f's he keeps in touch with... that part is fine with me. But for the longest time, these girls would send semi-friendly, you know "THOSE" msgs on his Facebook, he would pretend they are nothing every time I brought them up. Even msgs. about them "seeing each other" - which was a RED flag. Finally, he told me a month ago that he told this one particular ex about me and she would have to respect my boundaries - b/c that's what I asked for.

Well, BOOM.. last week she posted another "Friendly" msg, so I went ahead, emailed her and asked her if he had ever told her about me. She said No, so then when I went back to him - he said, "I was going to tell her.." and I said loudly, "You LIED to me???"

Amazingly enough, he then SPUN it around to be MY fault and said, "LEAVE ME ALONE! I don't want to talk to you anymore, it's over, etc, etc.." I was completely shocked, devastated, dumbfounded. How can this man, who said he loved me, all of a sudden be so heartless, such a deceiver and a liar?

My brother said my ex-b/f knew what he was doing was wrong and instead of acknowledging his guilt, he could only unload it off me for making him feel bad. It's incredible since you don't think that, we as people, human beings could be so deceiving, so dishonest to the people we love. I now wonder for how long was my b/f "lying" to me and his other female friends about my relationship.. or if he was indeed having other "emotionally cheating" relationships.

Girls, you deserve SO MUCH better.. and my heart breaks for those who are still married on here and put up with this shit. I thought I had such low-self esteem from this debacle.. but after reading this blog, I realize that I was strong enough to leave. But I would hope deeply that all of you realize you deserve to be the #1 woman... and not to be treated any less. Good luck.

Irene from San Diego, Ca.

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written by lost and confused , 16 January, 2010

I am saddened by the fact that there are lots of others out there. I find myself retyping this over and over trying to find the correct words to say. My boyfriend is living states away from me and his ex is a mere 30 minutes at most. I found out that he still talks to her after he called me her name. That killed me and then I looked in his phone to find out that they talk a lot.

I confronted him about it and it ended with him deciding not to talk with her anymore and lots of tears. I am back home now and checked his phone records and saw that he has continued to talk to her. What is worse is that he said that she was the one contacting him. Sigh... not true at all. Thanks phone bill for telling me which direction the calls and such were being made.

I was planning on asking what I should do. But it is painfully obvious that there is only one solution to this all. And that is to break things off. Sigh. I hate seeing that in writing since I love him so much. But him treating me like shit isn't right and if its going to hurt me this much i should just move on now before I let it get any worse. right?

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written by Teetee , 22 January, 2010

Wow... we girls are not alone in this subject. I found sext messages on my bf's old phone (he upgraded phones after 5 months of us dating and kept the old phone in his drawer). I was more insulted discovering he only kept 1 of my sext messages to him and 20 of his ex's... that tells me I wasn't as important to him as she was. I'm compelled to call her up and ask her questions about how involved they are at this moment only to confirm what my man has told me after I brought this to his attention. I may do it at a time when he is in the room just to see if she will call him after I'm done asking her. I just want the truth so I can either stay or move on. He says he's been a good boy since I've discovered this and that it's over between them (yeah right). It's time to prove his words!

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written by Merzi , 25 January, 2010

Wow..amazing!! Agreed that the original advice was total crap..but so unbelievable that so many others are going what I've been going thru with my bf of 4 and a half years!!

I am not a jealous person by nature..I, like some of you, am very open, up-front, and friendly by nature. I talk to my ex occasionally, there is nothing to hide, so I don't hide anything from my bf!! I don't leave the room to talk to him, I tell him what the conversation was about, etc. We were together for 10 years so we do have shared memories but I don't have those feelings for him so nothing for me to hide!!

He, on the other hand, feels compelled to lie to me about talking to his ex. They have a 16 year old son so I understand they have to talk..no problems with that at all. But she likes to take things beyond just parenting issues, always texting him on the weekends, (do you still love me? kinds of crap)and yesterday they made plans to meet the son's gf's parents this coming Friday. Now, he SAYS he just forgets to tell me these things, but we were in Home Depot together while she was texting him yesterday..he just walked to another aisle!!

I have confronted him before but I'm afraid if I say anything more that I will just make him better at deleting his texts. Not a snooper by nature but I do have a right to know what's going on here, so for now I am silent. Eating me up inside, and I know he will not change. The thing is, he is absolutely wonderful except for this crap and at 46 I'm not sure there is anything better for me out there. Thanks for letting me vent!!!

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written by Just a friend , 21 February, 2010

My best guy friend (who even gave me the spare keys to his flat) cheated on his long distance girlfriend of 2 years with me, shortly after he told me that he'd split with her, but would still be friends with her. Then 6 months later he flew over to see her, again, to break it off. Her blog and other things say otherwise, that he's still her boyfriend. Our affair continued for 18 months, as I believed him when he said he was only friends with this long distance girl.
Now as well there is another woman in the picture, someone who he works with who he's very pally with and defensive of, gives him a lift home every evening as they live nearby. Just recently he's been going distant on me and not answering calls, postponing arrangements to meet etc - got so pissed with it that I drove past where he lives to see if her car was there, and yes, it was. He returned my call and text late last night, leaving a message saying that he'd 'had an early night and had just rolled over and seen my message' - what BS is that, I'm 99% sure they're sleeping together but can't prove it.
Anyway I'm leaving the area soon to start a new life elsewhere, this is so going to be his loss. He's told me I'm the 'most beautiful woman he's ever known', that I'm perfect and how he thinks about me all the time etc etc, and yes I did actually fall in love with him but am backing off now.
This guy led me on so much and had me believe that we'd be an item, but then changed his tune. Despite everything, I still loved him but I cannot abide any more of his lies and there is only so much benefit of the doubt you can give someone. Letting go of someone I've loved so much is possibly the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I've run out of tears and patience and am sick of being hurt and lied to.
Maybe he'll realize what he's lost once I've gone.

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written by Ditto , 23 February, 2010

This site is wonderful. Reading these emails just saved my life. As of all of you, I broke up with my b/f 2 wks ago. He was friends with his ex. I believed him when he said she calls, text, and he was trying to put a stop to it. I searched his cell, texts, and was very upset so I took her # & called her (ex) To my surprise she was very nice to me, she knew everything about me & my family. She said she wish US well & he is a good person and will take good care of you (he makes lotssss of $$) she does not love him anymore, she is a people pleaser and would stay his friend. One thing I should know he is a big liar. One year pasted, I got so upset with there friendship and him lieing (yes) big liar, so I called her again. She again said be happy with him & leave me along. I ask him to stop her and he said he was trying to get her to stop. Drinking one night I emailed her and said PLZ leave us along, stop calling my boyfriend. Guess What.....she got annoying calls charges on me for court soon.
I told my b/f this has to stop....I told him he has to say no contact with her, as she did me. He said NO.. never, AS bad as I was hurting & crying i left, said its over, I can show you what no contact is.
THE BEST PART: Last night I ask my best g/f to call his ex and ask to drop the charges, she said she would think about it, TO MY SURPRISE, he is the one calling, texting her and begging her to keep in touch with him. He lied to both of us. Everything he said she(ex)was doing he was doing, big liar!!!!!! Am I hurt, YES but I am not going to be lied to over & over, my 1st ex did it to me. I am single again, 55yrs, pretty and nice, God hears my tears and will help...good luck people and run when it don't fill right, don't stay and hope they change, If you like them the way there are today, then stay, if not leave, thanks

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written by sum1 , 26 February, 2010

Some advice from someone who is in the same boat- Befriend his/her "ex" or whoever they are deceiving you with. If it's possible and you can bare it try to become their friend as well so that you will know the inside scoop. Keep your friends close and enemies closer. If you play your cards right you will be invited to join their meeting up and the whole sneaking around game will get to be impossible and then a little old for him/her (in my case him). I became my boyfriend's ex-girlfriend's friend and now if he texts her I hear it from her. If they want to meet up for a drink I come along and crash the party. And I make it clear that when we are all there I am not the third party. I make it clear, in a non-bitchy way that she is the third wheel.
This is definitely not easy because in many cases you will feel intimidated. He hid her from you and that means he wanted to preserve something, maybe something he doesn't have with you. But don't let it stop you, he is going home with you and you obviously have much more that appeals to him than she did. If you cant contact her directly, ask him to invite her over, have her over for your next party, etc. if he doesn't even agree to that then you are at the next level where it's decision making time. If he hasn't changed by now he wont. So it's for you to decide if you want to move on (which for some stupid reason is near impossible for us at that point) or face the fact that you will have to deal with it for the rest of your life. And remember that life is too short to be miserable. If this is causing you to be unhappy more often than you are happy, then I would seriously consider counseling to help you move on.

I have been battling this situation for 4 years. With the excuses, "she had the wrong number", "It was her birthday", "she always calls me - I never call her" BS. And for me, I decided to go with option one. To deal with it and adjust my life to make things work a little easier. I keep my enemies close. I am a jealous girlfriend but I don't even compare to he jealous my boyfriend is. Neither of us have cheated, and everyone lies... but it seems like he is a compulsive liar and the longer I am with him the more I wish I had never given him a second chance. That is pretty harsh, but if were getting it all on the table here that's the cold hard truth. I love him to death but more and more it feels like I don't stay together with him for love, but for the desperation for change. I want to see through that he can be the guy I love every day... not just when he feels like it. He is so amazing and perfect when he tries, but I feel like it is less and less with every lie with every disappointment.

Anyways.. to everyone who posted to this blog, my original advice is good so I encourage you to take it for what its worth. If you choose to stay with the one you love despite the lies then you need to ensure your happiness somehow. And if he or she isn't going to help you do so, then it's up to You. Change around your lifestyle a bit to better suit his. If he's always on the go and doesn't let you in on everything... keep yourself busy and don't let him in on everything. DON'T do it to get back at him or out of spite or anger. Remember you decided you wanted to make things work not worse. You are an important person so don't let yourself forget it. If he doesn't remind you... remind yourself. Do volunteer work or get involved in other things that make you realize your importance. and get to know the people who are affecting your relationship. Then you can know first hand if they are going to be a problem and you wont have to take his unreliable word for it.

Lastly... everyone who has posted on here about the first or second time you have been lied to, or everyone with a relationship not longer than 5 months or so... get out while you can! I am telling you, people don't change. The lies wont stop and might grow, if you want to be in the same spot or worse that you are at right now in 4 years be my guest but don't say you weren't warned. I wish I had listened to the people who told me. I am definitely not trying to say that it's easy for you to get out of the relationship now... it's hard as hell but I am saying it will get harder.

Good luck everyone

-20 year old somebody.