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Boyfriend lies to me about his ex |
I recently found out that my boyfriend of nearly 2 years was talking with his ex-girlfriend on a regular basis a few months ago and during our relationship. He has told me in the past that he still has feelings for her, however when I confronted him about the phone calls he said "we were just talking as friends."
He lied to me in the past when I asked him if he had talked to her. Now I am carrying this pain around that I did not create. He hasn't offered me any kind of reassurance and his apology was forced at best. I am trying really hard to forgive him but it keeps coming up in my mind that he lied and has made me feel like a fool, sometimes I feel so badly that I can't be near him and I have to leave the room for fear I will just explode.
I want to get past this but I need to hear from him why this happened and why I should believe that it won't happen again? He won't talk about it and tells me he can't deal with this anymore when I do bring it up. I need him to understand my hurt and I need some form of reassurance from him. I just want the truth even if it hurts, at least I'll know.
Response:
This is a very common and complicated situation.
It is normal for people to have feelings for more than one person at a time. And people often have feelings for an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend (ex-husband/wife). Even after breaking-up - people share memories, jokes, intimacy, and they often enjoy talking to each other (see, contact with ex).
On the other hand, most people feel threatened or jealous when romantic partners still have feelings for or a strong connection to their ex. The trick is learning how to deal with these feelings without making things worse (see, overcoming jealousy).
Typically, people react to jealousy in ways that cause more problems - they ask a lot of questions, try to control their partner's behavior, try to make their partners feel bad and punish them for the contact they have had. All of these things create distance within a relationship and lead to more deception (see, when people lie).
Ironically, people often make their worse nightmare come true: Partners may start to feel even more close to their ex - because they can talk to their ex without getting in trouble.
Like most relationship problems, the best way to handle jealousy is to express how you are feeling without trying to control a partner's behavior or make him or her feel bad (see, talk about problems).
This is difficult to do, but if done right it can lead to greater intimacy, understanding, and trust.
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The exact same thing...
I can't control my jealousy nor my questions...
It is very hard though I really love him.