| Why did my boyfriend get so mad when I exposed his lies |
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I was dating someone for over a year and because of my past experience (negative) I asked lots of questions about his situation. Well, my boyfriend always answered appropriately. Having an intuition that he was lying, (don't ask me why) I did some research and found out he lied about having a wife and kids as well as his real age. When I confronted him, he became really, really angry with me calling me "unethical" among other things for researching him. But, during his rage, he never denied that the information was true. Apparently, he thinks not answering directly doesn't count as a lie. Also, he stupidly didn't realize that most of the information about marriages, age, births, etc is public record so it was easy to find out. My question is, why did he become so enraged at ME and all indignant when he is the liar who got found out. I have a right to know who and what I'm dealing with. You'd think he'd be begging for forgiveness or scared to death I would expose him. Nope. Not even an apology or a lame excuse! Thanks for any insight into his angry reaction. And, by the way, I'm trying to move on in hopes of finding something better. Response: Your question raises a lot of interesting issues. Unfortunately, asking a lot of questions, while ethical, is rarely an effective way to discover the truth (see, limit use of questions). When faced with a lot of questions, many people are tempted to conceal information in order to protect their sense of privacy (see, invasive questions). And in most cases, deception does not get detected because people are good at spotting lies. Rather the truth comes out because something doesn’t feel right and people investigate. Moreover, when people in romantic relationships typically engage in deception, it does not involve telling bald-faced lies, but rather offering incomplete information. When close to someone, deception is often best accomplished not by what is said, but by what is left unsaid (see, ways people lie). So, why did your ex-boyfriend get so angry when you called him on his lies? In a logical and rational world he would have little right to be so upset. But, relationships are not guided by logic and reason. Rather our feelings carry the day when it comes to love and romance. And you exposed his lies, which is a very painful experience to endure (see, pointing out the truth). Moreover, in some sense, you did betray his trust by doing a background check on him (see, ethical to spy on a spouse). So most likely, your ex-boyfriend felt under attack and he did what comes naturally – he fought back. He exposed your unethical behavior in order to feel better about his own unethical behavior. From a logical perspective his behavior is highly questionable. But from an emotional perspective it allowed him to shift the blame and it undoubtedly made him feel better. Comments
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written by NPDDetective , 01 February, 2010
Please read the book called Help! I'm In Love With A Narcissist by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. His attack is a defense mechanism commonly used by people who are extremely narcissistic. Their defense is to attack you and put you on the defensive. It is meant to confuse you and take the focus off of them. Good for you for dumping his sorry ass!!!
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Kudos to her for leaving him. His reaction is completely unjustified as far as I'm concerned.