Truth About Deception

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written by Guest , 26 March, 2006

This is the truth!

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written by InTheSameShoes , 03 November, 2006

Damn if this isn't the truth, I don't know what is!!!! Maybe I should listen to this joker!!

IN THE SAME BOAT
written by Lover , 16 November, 2006

Everything said is so true.

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written by I'm there , 16 November, 2006

I been in a relationship for 14 years. He also had excuses and babies kept popping up. He kept saying he was forced. Now he involved another woman in the circle. So it's his wife, me and another woman. I called the other woman and broke up with him. It does hurt and I hoping that my feelings will go away in time. The worse part, I see him everyday. So it only gets worse. You should talk with him and see if you can manage a future or get away from him fast.

its a fool game
written by FOOLNOLONGER , 03 January, 2007

Don't waste your life on these weak men.

finish it immediately then spend some time alone to discover who you are and what you really want and deserve from life.

Only once you learn to value and respect yourself will you begin to attract the right type of people in your life.

I have just wasted 9 months trying to understand why my male colleague who is clearly infatuated with me physically, intellectually and emotionally has chosen to stay with his immature, needy, clingy, dependent, unreliable and not particularly attractive girlfriend of 18 months.
NO MORE !!! I have put a stop to his games and regained power and control of my life !!! YOU CAN AND SHOULD DO THE SAME !!!! GOOD LUCK !!!!

Reality check
written by Anonymous , 21 January, 2007

I was involved with a married man for two years until I recently ended it completely. The fact of the matter is, in RARE instances there is ever a happy ending to an affair. Take a deep look into what started the affair, why you're still in it and by all means stop assuming he'll ever leave his wife for you. My advice is to be strong, connect with friends and find happiness that you certainly deserve without the deceit and heartache.

So true
written by Eva , 26 January, 2007

I broke up with him today after one year he made all the promises in the world to me..... I believe he loves me, but even if she threw him out he wouldn't leave.
just go away.. if he loves you he'll leave her and go after you, if not your life will be on track...
easier said than done, but be strong
good luck

or terrible peeps
written by None of you are alone... , 23 February, 2007

It's refreshing to see a post with such positive and supporting commentary. Too often I've seen or even heard comments about "getting what you deserve" from this type of relationship. I was sexually abused by a married man I loved... my father when I was a small child... I suppose I deserved that too if you're in the aforementioned camp of reason. I don't think anyone should be punished for truly loving someone. I do think that at 31 and having found myself in a couple of situations like yours I've learned to be wary of the advances of people who are already committed. However, if you do find yourself there you must realize at a point you are being used not respected or loved. I still feel that one of men I was involved with would have been a perfect mate... however, he was committed to someone else and I finally realized that his financial investment in their home and business were worth more than his feelings for me. It hurt... it still hurts sometimes. Obviously, someone who would treat you in a similar manner is NOT worth suicide. Believe me, he is not the only man out there... and if you're stuck feeling that you need to keep in contact with him... do... BUT... my advice is start distancing yourself in gradual do-able steps and allow yourself to look for the love you desperately seek in some right places... explore the possibility of someone who will devote their time and love to you the way you have to him... and in the way your beautiful loving heart "deserves."

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written by understanding , 25 March, 2007

My wife asked me to read this blog and I felt compelled to write a few words about your situation. Actions speak volumes over words. I hope that after you read this blog that it may open your eyes to what he IS really doing "to" you. You deserve to be good to yourself and not look to a man to fulfill you and all your desires. He is using you and will continue to use you until he finds somebody else to manipulate. I do know what I am talking about because I was the THAT GUY in another life. He uses the right words and has used them throughout the 10 year affair and you are still wrapped up in his unadulterated BS. He uses his wife as an excuse to play you like a well tuned violin. Share this blog with your lover and ask him to respond to it if he dares but I assure you that he will not because a guy can see through his BS real fast. Signed: Am Over Myself

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written by CARING , 20 April, 2007

Just wanted to tell others it is so important to get to know someone before making a commitment for life. A family member got pregnant prior to graduation and married. They had been seeing each other for many years. Couple of years later the wife went to work in a career which was not well suited for family life - late hours etc. Not spending time at home. During the time at the new job she formed an attachment to someone else. Now a family is breaking up and heading in the wrong direction. A brokenhearted father and a wife with another man.
Think about the one who really has been there for you before going and seeking attention somewhere else. Work with what you have is very important because when it happens to you then it will make you think about what you have done and it??s over.

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written by btdt , 23 April, 2007

How do you know his wife is not "interested in their marriage anymore?" You only know what he is telling you - and as the reformed man in this chat stated - "he is playing you like a well-tuned violin." I know because I was the other woman who is now being cheated on (same man) yet I certainly have been there for him in every way for 10 years and 100% invested in our relationship. There is absolutely no excuse for him to have done this to me.

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written by lise , 04 May, 2007

I cheated on my husband with one of his friends. Me and this other guy became close very quickly and we just clicked, so to speak. We fell in love and talked every day and saw each other whenever we could. My husband knew something was going on and we got caught. Me and this other guy haven't spoke since it happened. The pain I caused my husband is horrible. I was selfish and I decided to find happiness elsewhere because I wasn't happy in my marriage. Nothing good comes from an affair. Everyone gets hurt. My husband will never get over this and I feel so guilty because of all the pain I've caused him. Just think of the guy's wife and how devastated she would be if she knew you and her husband had a 10 year affair. He will never leave her. If he hasn't left yet he never will. Dump him and stop wasting your life. Affairs are destructive and you need to put an end to it right away. It's the only way.

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written by wrw , 04 June, 2007

My husband cheated on me. I found out through their emails. The other woman was desperate for him to leave, and he made all kinds of promises and excuses to her, about his weakness as a person, and how he needed her strength and love to help him get out. He said terrible things to her about my lack of caring, poor mothering and other stuff. None of the bits about me were true. I love him madly and he knows it - I told him all the time. I'm a good,loving mother to our 6 yr old boy. I know that quite a bit of what he told her was lies or half truths too, because I was able to compare what he'd told her with the reality of how it was. He was constantly reassuring me there was no one else, it was just that he was trying to work out who he was as a person (before I found the emails). He was promising her to move from me but had all sorts of excuses. In other words, don't assume your man is telling either of you the truth, or that his wife is so terrible. She probably knows something about the situation and its changed how she is as a person. I was driven mad by the lies and the intuitive knowledge of his cheating - I became depressed, anxious and intrusive. All the things that made me seem horrible, and her lovely and healthy.

Anyhow, he had to leave once I found out. Then he said he loved me and wanted us to get back together, but still kept on with the other woman, lying to us both. In the end I rang her and said we were both being lied to. After that he stopped the pretense with me. I guess moving out and being confronted with truth did break his attachment to me. They are still not together too, their relationship is still being conducted in secret as she's a parent at his school. I'd say it also suits him to have her a bit at a distance, with me grieving in the background too.

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written by Ogog , 08 June, 2007

I am a married man for 10 years. I had a relation with a woman for the last 6 months . I fell in love with her and really thought she was the woman I wanted to get older with. At the same time I had a 9 year old son that needed my love and time. My relation with my wife is not particularly bad but what I found in this woman was just something different. Conclusion, she left me for not making up my mind, I have a large emptiness in my heart.

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written by shenaynay , 20 June, 2007

Sometimes, people do leave their husbands/wives for other people once they realize happiness is far better than misery/attachment. I have known people who have had extra marital affairs and made the hard choice to leave the "security" of the "family". Once the kids are grown, it's a whole new ball game..

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written by Hels Bells , 02 July, 2007

I have been in a relationship with a married man for 4 years now and am so desperate for him to leave his wife. It sounds very similar to Ogog in that his relation with his wife is not particularly bad but what we have is different. I couldn't bear to be without him and know how much he would hurt if I were to leave him for not making up his mink which is why I take solace and hope from Shenaynay's post "Once the kids are grown, it's a whole new ball game.." His are 17 and 15.....problem is I am fed up of waiting, but couldn't bear to not have him in my life?!
Affairs are not as easy as people think - it is not all fun, frolicking and sneaking about - it is a lot of hanging about, attending things on your own, and the lonely heart achingly long Christmases. Your heart breaks again each year when they go on the annual family ski trip, each year you say never again - but here I am four years on, writing this!

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written by So Very Sad , 05 July, 2007

I too hold on to the hope of "once the kids are grown" I've left my marriage, which was not right for me, after meeting the man I've been in an affair with for the past 2 years. His 18 yr.old leaves for college in late August. He has never told me that he would leave his wife, says he can't hurt his family that way, yet he loves me. I also believe he will never make a decision unless he is forced to...but I don't want to leave just to see how he reacts; I want to be ready to deal with the loss (which seems unbearable) and be strong enough to go on and make my life a good one. I wish I understood why he can't make a decision...I feel that obviously if he were committed to his marriage he wouldn't be with me,wouldn't care about what I felt, wanted, needed etc, but he does and he doesn't run when I get emotional or upset...he doesn't want me to leave but I can't deal with this much longer. Why do men think it's OK to be in 2 places at once? I couldn't live with myself, I had to leave my marriage because I had made the choice to see where the new relationship would go. I'm so afraid I won't be able to handle the loss.

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written by Learned a great lesson , 05 July, 2007

I just want to say that as a wife who has been in both situations that men do not think like woman do. When my husband had a affair I was very hurt and also had a affair. I realized I didn't want to set this type of example for my children and for myself. I got myself help and and started to take responsibility for my action. I realized we both were very immature in the way we communicated to each other. We both had to apogize to our children and each other for the terrible choices we made. Today we have have mature and still learning and growing but it was a painful lesson.
Affairs are not about love their about pain and getting what you think your missing from someone eles is not the answer.






husband and

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written by brb , 06 July, 2007

When I first met him we were friends. I was going through a divorce and he was fighting to save his marriage. His wife had cheated several times and belittled him and told him she did not love him, Destroyed his self worth. I am now so in love with this man after a few months. I am scared to death he is not going to leave her. We both feel like we were meant for each other. How long should I wait to see if he does leave? He says she may attempt to hurt herself or flip out and end up back in the hospital and he would feel guilty. He is telling me he will leave in weeks..... Do I wait or get out now? I have not slept with him and wont till he has filed for his divorce, so he really does not have any reason to stay with me if he doesn't leave her, lol.

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written by written by shattered , July 09 , 09 July, 2007

I left my husband to be with a married man after having an affair for 14yrs. He left and came looking for me we started to make a full time commitment together. I felt over the moon on this day 17.04.2003. Yes, I said, I must do what's right for me and my lover. I did so wrong for many years I felt that this was the only way I would find inner peace and to finally show my lover that he had my total heart and soul. Finalizing things was so much easier than I thought it would be, no fear at all. My lover was there to listen and learn from it - as he was going to go through it as well. Well so I thought , but needless to say that my lovers intentions were not the same at all. Just after a month he decided to go back to his wife, he decided this was all to hard and to much heart ache for everybody despite what I had done etc etc. He came back and forth, happy family holidays, secret meetings, children sports school activities, birthdays.... So our confrontations became pretty intense. I even tried to confront the wife to tell all as she knew nothing only to be slapped with a AVO.... he stood by his wife in court (being a police officer and all). Well I was shattered but my life continued with its ups and downs, back and forth scenarios, the continuous lies and broken promises to me and the to his very gullible/naive/denialable wife. I decided to end it after 17 years I cannot go on with this I was true to myself right from the start and I continued to be true to myself right to the end. I ended it 04.07.07 only to find out with in 24 hours that he is completely happy partying with his old friends and family celebrating a 18th birthday. So all I can say if your so call true love, soul mate says he is going to leave his wife do not believe a single word until he shows you the fabulous DIVORCE papers you so long for. No man that says I will leave, leaves. My world is completely shattered.

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written by dynababyyeah , 17 July, 2007

I too am with a married man only 3 months, but I love him so much I want to break up, but find I can't. He says he will leave his wife when he gets some money after 20 years of marriage. He doesn't want to be broke, but she is fighting him she doesn't want him. But she also doesn't want anyone else to have him.

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written by MSJ , 01 August, 2007

I met my MM (married man) 16 months ago, it was love at first sight, he said I was the love of his life. We were both married with children. I told my H I wanted a divorce that month, moved out two months later. My divorce was final last month.

MM finally told his wife in June of this year, she had suspected for awhile. They decided to divorce. Once they met with attorneys and he found out how much it would cost him, he started acting strange...

I just found out today that he has been "reconciling" with her for the past two weeks behind my back, she is willing to forgive him and wants him back.

He still says he loves me, wants to see me, etc., but keep it a secret from her again "for the time being"... but I wont do it. I just cant believe the type of man he turned out to be. I told him never again, we are over forever. All my friends warned me from the start, I wish I would have listened.

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written by Learned a great lesson , 03 August, 2007

When my husband had affair, one thing he was not looking for was marriage, just a carefree relationship and when the other woman started to put demands on him he ended it!

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written by Get real , 09 August, 2007

Wow, these people who worry about "not being able to handle" life without a person who is only partly in their lives need to do more with their lives.

Mentor an impoverished child, work in a soup kitchen, volunteer in pediatric ICU... do something that shows you how people with real problems "handle" life and in doing so realize what a good person you can be on your own.

Spend time getting to know yourself and the good in you around other people, single people, doing the same thing and you may find yourself in a much better situation with a much more realistic outlook on the types of people that make good relationship fodder (e.g. the not-married-and-lying type).

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written by not hungry , 18 August, 2007

three years... same old lines, "Me and my wife are roommates, I do everything alone, and I feel so lonely, but I want to be there for my child." Or, "I think this time we are headed for a separation." Or the king of lines, "Maybe, things will be different for us someday." Well, needless to say, finally, I have been weening myself off of him. The repeat patterns and inconsistencies have been much to blatant to ignore. Every woman involved with a married man should read the book "MY LOVER IS A LIAR". It is helping me to cut it off. I've stopped meeting him, and I've cut sex off completely. Now I'm staying busy, and letting the answer machine get his calls. The busier I keep myself the happier and more satisfied I feel. Like a hunter on a mission he is turning his charm up full throttle now, but lesson well learned girls, I'm not falling for it anymore. I realize he is married, he is a liar therefore he isn't someone I trust my precious future with. I deserve better. Hope all of you settling for the crumbs of someone else's meal will wake up and try a more fulfilling meal. Best of luck and self love to you all.
"the definition of insanity is doing the same wrong thing over and over again"

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written by sick of it , 02 September, 2007

I feel so stuck in a dark deep whole. I have been married for 6 years and having an affair with a married man for 4 years. He has been married 12 years, we both have 2 children all under the age of 10! We have fallen deeply in love, We have grown to be friends, lovers, etc. Neither of us want to split up our families for the sake of the children. WE both would love a peaceful way out of both of our marriages and hope to be together one day. Even though I know better and I know it is all a bunch of BS I continue to live a life like this. Every day gets harder when we are both at home and can not talk or can not see each other, it is hard to be away from the one you love, yet I am not ready to leave my husband and I know he is not ready to leave his wife either, even though he gives me the same ol lines everyone says they say! I know I deserve better, I was raised much better than this, but what is wrong with me? Neither of our spouses are bad people I just think we both fell out of love with them. I know if we were both single we would be the best for each other but that is not the case, I feel like a drug addict because I don't know how to let him go and move on with my life.. thank you NOT HUNGRY for the advice on the book to read. I need help seriously because I the more I try to stay away from him the more time I spend with him, its so hard being in love with someone you can't have!
My life is just falling apart in front of my face.....

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written by RTP , 05 September, 2007

I met a MM (Married Man) two years ago and at the time I was married as well. We built a long distance relationship and truth being told I was very unhappy in my marriage and per his statements he was as well. He perused me aggressively and we had a rare and truthful courtship being very open about everything and we are about to be married in three days. I feel like I'd been waiting for him all my life and we have been like best friends and accomplished a lot since our divorces we finalized as a couple. Now, I'm not saying this will happen for everyone. I just feel like in our case we wanted something, neither of our spouses knew how to give and it (Time, Attention, Sex, Friendship, Encouragement) was all we were missing in order to be happy. We had a lot of things in common and we're mirror images of one another in regards to personality and ambition, etc. I give him what he needs and I've never been more satisfied in my life this is year three and it's still GGGGREAT!!!

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written by nelisha , 08 September, 2007

I have been involved with a married man for almost a year. He states that he is going to live his wife as he isn't in love with her.He says that they do not have a sex life and they sleep in separate beds. He says the main reason why he stays is for the kids and as soon as he get his finances in order he is going to leave her.
I am tried of hearing his bs and I have made a decision to leave.

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written by Left in Ashes... , 18 September, 2007

I too met a married man that completely swept me off of my feet and I fell completely in love with him. I know she knows and every time I see her its nothing but a cold stare. I agree with being addicted to him. One day soon he'll realize that one of us is going to have to go and inside I don't want it to be me. The only bad thing about it is that I found out yesterday that I am pregnant with his child. Now what am I supposed to do? He's already got two girls with his wife and it kills me to tell him because I know that my child will never have a father like those two girls have. But really after reading all of these posts it really makes me feel better that I am not in the same boat and if he truly loves me then he will come for me. Not because I have his child.

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written by Anonymous , 01 October, 2007

The MM and I were friends for about 10 years. I had a BF whom I loved. I was 12 years into our relationship before I started "dating" the MM. About a year into our affair, my BF and I broke up (nothing to do with the MM). The MM and I.. I feel as if he was/is my best friend. I could tell him anything... when things were rough in my life, he was always there to listen and give advice and encouragement.
We were best friends... he told me the problems he had with the wife- he said she wasn't a bad wife but he doesn't feel that she loves/wants him, where as I did. She is a good mother to their 2 kids (6 and .. but he knows his marriage is lacking something and that was where I came in. I made him feel good about himself, where she always puts him down. I know I only know what he's telling me, but I cannot explain how happy I am to be with this guy. He has always told me he does not intend to leave his wife and kids, but if he wasn't already married he thinks we would be great together.
Three years into this relationship (and 2 out of the one my BF and I had), I find myself wanting more and more. There was nothing to stop me from loving him. Now he is afraid and I can feel him weaning me. He has said that he will always be there for me no matter what- sex or no sex- that we wer friends first and we will always be friends first. He said our friendship means more to him than the sexual part of our relationship. He says I scare him when I call and say "I want to see you" (I know when the weekends come around, I don't get to see him,so sometimes on Friday nights I want to see him before he has to go home). I don't know whether his wife knows or suspects anything (he says don't be surprised if she already knows).. we've never had a complete relationship, I've never spent one night with him, we've always spent time either in his office or in the car, when we're in public we're in the "friend" mode unless it's somewhere where he will not have the chance to be seen by anyone he knows, but it's tough because he is a police officer whom a lot of people know.
Now I feel like he is weaning me and I don't know what to do. He has said that nothing I can do will make me lose him... but now I am still trying to understand that he only means as a friend.
I really really don't know what to do. No other guy can compare to him, but I find myself waiting waiting waiting all the time, and I subconsciously block every guy that comes along, good or bad. I am tired of weekends spent alone, tired of always waiting for him to call, tired of feeling lonely, but we've been friends for so long that I am afraid to lose him. I feel like he knows everything about me, knows everything I went through (when I broke up with my ex, I sold our house, our business, I took on a new profession, so I went through some major life changes). I really am afraid to lose him, but even as I type this blog, it really does seem that this MM and I don't even have anything close to a relationship. And now I feel so sad.

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written by not there yet , 02 November, 2007

Having read everything you all have to say... I hear what you are saying, I heed your advice, but I am simply unable to move on from my addiction. I have loved this man for years, we have been involved for 3 years. I ended my marriage because I didn't want to be cheating on him, but he is still married and living in the same house as his wife! How does one get past this??

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written by beenthruitall , 09 November, 2007

I think that we all are also afraid of being alone. I know I am.

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written by Luvnfall , 18 November, 2007

What kind of outcome will I face with a MM that has 3 kids under 10? We work together, & after 9 months started a nonsexual relationship. We go to dinner/movies when possible. I was looking for companionship because my husband works out of town a lot. He has cheated on his wife several times in the past 14 years. I was not looking for love, but we have such great chemistry & conversation! I'm scared to death that I will fall into the same trap as the following blogs. What can I do, to keep my emotions under control? He claims that he wants to get his ducks in a row & he does not want to involve me in his issue?

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written by Replica , 25 November, 2007

Well... I have to say that I am have been involved in an affair for the last 5 months... I was hoping that it would only be a fling... but, this man pursues me... calls me... cries... tells me that he is so in love with me... and he has been married now for 20 years. He says that he can't file for divorce because it would leave him broke... since he won't be able to afford paying for his "stay-at-home" wife's alimony and three kids.... I have thrown him out of my apartment... I have broken up with him about 10 times... and he still begs... cries... and again says that he cannot leave me because he is so in love with me. He says that he admires my independence... I have told him that I do not see him ever leaving his wife because he is a weak man... and that I do not see myself having a future with him. He is a very kind, and caring person... his attitude is very genuine... which is why I went out with him. According to him, he engaged in this affair because his wife had neglected him love, affection, understanding and sex. I called the wife and told her that her husband was having an affair with me... and I told her the reasons why he had told he engaged in the affair... his wife agreed and said that for years her husband had been telling her that he was going to find another woman if she continued to refuse to have intimate relationships with him. She told me that her husband had not been lying to me, and that she had been very stupid for many years for not having had paid attention to her husband's needs. While many affairs may occur... I may be stupid for having had engaged in one... but, something about him made me just try to understand him. But, now... even though the wife admitted to her mistakes... she still won't leave him... because she is afraid to be alone... since she does not work... and the marriage brings financial security for her.

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written by finally , 06 December, 2007

I finally broke up with my MM and I can't say how relieved I am. Deep down inside I always felt it was a mistake. Oh, we spent great time together of course, better than a real relationship actually is, just at the beginning. He said he loved me, he and his wife are roommates, still can not leave because of child and does not want to hurt anyone... I said I loved him and do not expect anything from him and support him anytime whatever... The problem is, how much I loved him does not matter at one point I too developed an attachment, or at least my inner soul tends to do. and I knew it was simply impossible with the man already attached to someone somewhere else. Things do not go as it starts. Feelings change, than it is time to make the final decision, without delay.

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written by hopeless , 13 December, 2007

I have been in a relationship with a married man for almost 4 years now. I met him shortly after my husband passed away. He was someone who made me smile and someone I could communicate with, and made me feel alive again. We lived 1200 miles apart and I never thought a relationship would have developed. He knew I lost my husband a short time ago and maybe he took advantage of my clouded judgment at the time. We started seeing each other a few times a month. He had excuses for everything when I couldn't get a hold of him. When I confronted him as to whether or not he was married, he stated he was separated and going through a divorce. I bought all the lies and BS for a yr till I was able to really see what he was up to. He was building a brand new home with his wife. I confronted him and thats when he said he was in fact married but was planning on leaving her. I bought it again. At this point I had fallen in love with him. Couldn't stand the thought of not having him in my life. I decided to move to the same state, he agreed to separate. He finally did for about 3-4 months. I still didn't trust him and did some investigating. He was seeing other woman as well as leading his wife on that he wanted to get back together with her. I called the woman as well as the wife, as we were all being snowed and I felt he needed to be put in his place. I left him, she took him back. months past and we started communicating again, and next thing you know we were back together. He again left his wife. The cycle plays out over the years several times. same thing different day. He leaves her to be with me, he goes back to her. I am back with him again and he is still with her. He has all the same excuses, he can't leave the family owned business. If he divorces his parents with disown him. Its just excuses. I know I deserve better, but I just can't shake him. He has his cake and eat it too. Wife, family, career and money, with me on the side. I can only hope someday I will become strong enough to send him on his way for good. One thing I do want to say is that I am more miserable being with him than being alone. Something to consider.....

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written by In the same boat , 20 December, 2007

I have been with my married man for about 4 years. We have a child together. His wife found out about the child one year ago. For the past year he has been telling me he is going to leave. (He has children with her also). I made him promise almost everyday that he was going to go through with it. When it came down to the day he was supposed to leave he told me it was a lot harder than he thought it would be and that he could not do it. I then told him I couldn't keep doing this that I think my very sanity is at stake some days. Of course now we are back to talking again. Only talking but I'm afraid we are going to end up back where we started. And I know this sounds naive but I know he loves me with all his heart. His family (who I've gotten to know) tells me this also and says that he's never been happy with his wife. That they got married because she was pregnant. He tells me that he knows he is going to eventually leave her he just can't say when. He doesn't want to make anymore promises to me as he knows he devastated me. So now I find myself wanting to do something to break them up. Of course calling her is completely out of the question so anyone have any advice. Keep in mind I know that some will say I'm getting what I deserve and that I shouldn't want him if he can't leave on his own. I know all this so don't waste your breath. I would like real advice. Thanks in advance.

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written by over it , 23 December, 2007

I wasted 2 years of my life with a married man. It began as an motional affair and he initiated making it physical. Could have said no but I was already in love with him. I thought it meant something. After 3 months his wife found out. I thought she'd kick him out but he was grateful she didn't. He still however continued to seek me out for emotional support! I told him it was over and we didn't speak for another 3 months. At the end of that time I was feeling better and against my better judgment called him up to see how he was doing. Well I've paid the price for that phone call. The affair resumed and 2 months later he moved out into a house he'd bought as an investment a while back. He spent almost every night with me for nearly 2 months and then one day up and pushed me out of his life to be with his wife again (their 18 year anniversary and xmas were coming up). Between January and April of this year he swung back and forth between us, a few weeks with her then a few with me, while still living in his bachelor pad. The last time he dumped me to go back to her I completely flipped out and we had this massive fight. I realized the whole thing had made me feel really violated. I was a mess of emotions, guilty about his ex and my part, hurt, untrusting, exhausted, angry. I felt victimized although I knew I put myself in that position. It ended between us although there was still contact from time to time. She went away for a few weeks and he was on my doorstep through that time saying he didn't know if he really wanted to be with her but didn't want to be alone. Big bloody red flag that comment was. I felt bruised and used again because the minute she came back he was all back to happy families again.
Well for 6 months he was there pretending to try and make it work, while still seeking me out for emotional support.
He finally left her again 3 months ago and came to me saying I was his angel, best friend, I'd set him free and he'd never given himself a real chance with me and this time would be different.
Thing is, I was only allowed to see a couple of evenings through the week and we'd have Friday nights together for the first 2 months but slowly my time became more restricted. I wasn't ever invited to his house. And to top it off the only time he spent with his children was in his marital home. He'd take them out for dinner 3 nights a week then go back to their house and hang out with them and his ex till about 10pm.
So he left her without really leaving, and had me on the side with promises of commitment but reasons why he wasn't ready yet and I woke up one day last week and thought, what the hell is going on and what was I ever doing with this man.
Why would he ever make a full commitment to me when I've shown all this time I'm willing to take scraps and always have him back anyway. I have never been so angry as I have been throughout this farce that can't even be called a relationship. At myself for even getting involved in the first place and for contributing to another woman's misery, and at him for continually violating the trust I tried to put in him.
I went completely against my morals entering this affair. That was a rule I've never before broken in my life (I'm 35) And now I fully understand why.
I'm coming out of the haze finally of my addiction to this man. All I ever wanted to do was love him and have him love me back, but in allowing the situation to continue over these years I gave him license to become a selfish, hurtful bastard who thinks nothing of destroying 2 good women.

Take this as a warning, any of you considering or in an affair.
Don't let your need for love fool you into the same situation. Don't beg and plead and wait or believe their lives. If they are really men and they love you the way they say,they'll create a relationship with you properly. Walk away immediately. Have absolutely no contact. Don't think you'll change anything by trying to love them or making them dependent on you.
Just get the hell out of there.

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written by Self Love , 30 December, 2007

I met my MM 6 months ago (he had separated from his wife)and things were great. I thought that I would take things slow in this situation and give him plenty of time to develop his feelings for me. After about 4 months things got to a point where nothing physical had happened but the desire was clearly there and I asked him what was happening with our relationship. My MM told he me that he had gone back to his wife for the sake of the children, but he did not love her. I was in love with him and agreed that I would keep seeing him and that we would be 'friends' as I did not know if I could take things further than that.

For 2 months we continued on as 'friends' although it is clear that we want to be more. I finally realized that I was very unhappy and I could not continue on and sought professional help. After some reflection I got up the courage to confront my MM. I told my MM what my feelings were, what I wanted from him and what I needed and I asked him to make a commitment to me to meet that and to make a choice between me and his wife. I said that if it he chose his wife then I was not going to see him anymore. I am waiting on his response now.

I understand and feel exactly the same emotions everyone has described above that you simply can't live without him and the pain of losing him is so great. Despite what I have done I still feel that. However, I also feel a sense of strength and of control which I did not have before which has been positive.

The professional made me reflect on a few important issues that helped me in deciding to do it and may help you:

1. If he had told you that he has feelings for you and you do, then you have the RIGHT to tell him what your needs are and what you want and to ask him to step up and meet those needs. If he is not willing to do that you are entitled to leave as you will not be happy;

2. If this man loves you then he should be honoring you and treating you with the value and respect that you deserve and being honest and transparent with you;

3. Think about whether you are really happy with the situation and if it is what you really want, if it is not you have to try and change it;

4. If you confront him voice ALL of your needs and wants. Before doing it write it all out and practice a few times. Do it in private. After doing it cut off physical contact with him for a few weeks while he decides (phone calls are alright);

5. Make sure that you have an active life outside of the situation or work on building one, this will assist in moving on if needed;

5. Although the pain would be great if it does not work out (as the love is very intense and passionate), that can be found again in time.

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written by over it , 02 January, 2008

He's gone back to her.Again.While still retaining the freedom of his second home and still pretending to care about me and wanting to know what I'm doing etc and still offering me some hope for the future and telling me she's his ex and nothings going on between them. Men like this never change.

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written by content , 13 January, 2008

Its surprising how many of us have affairs with married men when if we were the wife of that cheating bastard we would be so hurt. I don't know how we do it. I don't know why but I hope I find someone like him for myself minus the lying and cheating part.

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written by feta , 14 January, 2008

I sympathize with all the above. I have the maybe unusual situation of still being in love with my husband even though we have been separated for 15 years and for 10 yrs he's been cohabiting with someone else. I've never had another relationship since. We have not divorced neither of us has wanted to, though we haven't been intimate, we are best friends, tell each other everything. His relationship with girlfriend is not a happy one, he says he still loves me, that he's going to leave her, excuses etc but its not happening. He is too weak to tell her its over and doesn't want to have to take the blame or guilt as she's threatened suicide. She has no knowledge we still communicate daily. They have no children, though we have. We met in our teens, now approaching fifties and are both still unhappy. Genuine advice welcomed,I CANT just move on... there will never be anyone else for me....

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written by tz , 16 January, 2008

I met a man in oct 07 and he took me on a wonderful date, told me he wasn't married etc. I then received a call a month later from him telling me he had been lying and was married but going to believe his wife. He sounded a little funny on the phone the other day, so I knew he was backing out. He said he had tried to tell his wife he was leaving, but all she did was cry. I decided to call his wife. He was lying to me all along. His wife said he had never mentioned leaving and told her always how wonderful it was to go home every day. I am hurt and angry. I even wonder what will I do if he calls now. He said He Loves His wife over the phone in front of her. I thought he was going to be the love of my life. She also asked me if I knew he was a recovering shooter of meth. I can't believe it, but do. He portrayed himself as a great dad, honest, happy, fun, professional person. WOW!

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written by looking inward , 17 January, 2008

What help me was to get therapy and I also got involved with 12 step programs. A book which also help was called Addicted to Adultery which is a true story on a high profile couple. My story is a happy ending my husband and I have been married 40 years. I hope this helps.

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written by wanna get over it , 17 January, 2008

Over it, you made some strong points. It is my need to be wanted and feel good about myself that I allowed this behavior. I shouldn't care what happens to them as a couple. I would like to have someone, but need to remember I still have pride and respect for myself. I am a good mom, work full time, pay my own bills, am average looking. Why is it so easy for me to settle for losers?

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written by over it , 19 January, 2008

I finally woke up and the betrayal I feel is that he was about to suck me right back along for another ride of keeping me in the wings while being back with his wife. Or partly back there as he still lives in his bachelor pad that neither of us are welcome at. He cut off phone conversations to avoid questions and hysterics from me but was texting me every day to see how I was etc. His lies this time were so completely blatant that I wonder if he has one ounce of respect for me at all. This man is really a stranger to me and I have no way to tell what was real and what wasn't. Except for the physical passion. That's the only thing that wasn't a lie but it's not much really.
I had this huge need to be validated, to have all the good things he said and offered be the truth. I never wanted to be anyones affair. Ever. I needed him to become the loving partner that he promised to be because I couldn't deal with feeling like some stupid needy girl who was being used for sex.
I realize I was looking in the wrong direction and I should have validated myself by never getting involved in the first place.
My heart is broken because I believed I truly loved him and my fantasy has been shattered. All his "we're soulmates, you've set me free, you're the best thing that's happened in my life" were sweet lies because when he goes back to her he can be nasty and imply that it's none of my business and I should basically rack off and leave him alone, only not go far enough that he can't reel me back in for future use.
I'm glad I'm not his wife or bound to him by children. That would have been asking for a lifetime of hell.

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written by wanna get over it , 23 January, 2008

The sexual part was important. It was not only good, but after I found out he was married I didn't want to feel used either. I still don't know why I would like him to call and check on me, and give me a reason. We will and have to get through this as difficult as it may be. I find myself being "easy" sometimes because I want Mr. Right to be in my life. I will let his wife have him since she feels so imp. now. She can deal with the lies. He was working 7days here and 7days off at home 4hours away. He has moved to a new town, but will continue 7 on and 7 off. Maybe I am just one of the many. Right now I have to pray for him and his wife or I feel"hate". How can people just look you in the eye and be lying all along. I have a conscious. It also makes me angry he embarrassed me, but I have lived the last two weeks w/out him and someday will forget it.

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written by HELP , 24 January, 2008

Got into a relationship with my MM 5 years ago when I was still married and he and i both fell head over heals in love. Well, about 6 months ago I left my husband because I knew how wrong I was, I couldn't live with the guilt anymore. Not only this, but I wanted to be with the MM. His wife has known since the beginning because we had been neighbors. Just last week he told me that he didn't want to be with me anymore and that he had to make the "decision". He changed his number and now I feel like I can't go on. I've thought of every possible way to talk to him but have no means of conversation since he changed his number. I have a 5 year old from my x-husband and am scared that I can't even be there for her because of the loss of him. How do I move on feeling unworthy of him... how after so long could he just walk away and feel nothing?

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written by Just so you know , 29 January, 2008

While reading all these stories I feel so sad. Sad for me and sad for you. My MM sounds like all the rest, Damn, I thought this was different. It sounds like we need to take a long hard look in the mirror and love ourselves more. It wasn't until now that I felt used, lied to, stupid etc. We deserve better. Just so you know, even if he leaves you don't want him because if he will do it with you, he will do it to you. Stay strong pray for me and I you

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written by gettin over it , 30 January, 2008

It has been three weeks now. I am almost thankful to hear that I didn't get caught up in this too long. I still want him to call, but I am just like "help", no way to communicate. Maybe this is for the best. We don't want to look desperate. I am with "Just so you know" that we do need to LOVE OURSELVES! You just remember how much that little 5 year old girl needs you!. That what I do. We need to stop wasting time on these jerks and give that attention to our kids. I can never get back the time with my 17 and 9 year old girls that I have wasted on men. This is great knowing we have a support team going. I will help any of you in any way I can. I too will pray for all of you and please pray for me. TZ

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written by I'm the other woman too... , 01 February, 2008

We are perfect for each other. We both know it. And what we both know is that he'll never leave her like he says he will. He's waiting for his kids to get older too. We're insane over each other, it so unbelievable how perfect we are for one another. He's selfish and weak. He expects me to put up with this when he won't put up with me having someone else. I'm trying to end it as well and it's very painful. I hate him for this, for being so weak. I'm beginning to hate her for having everything I want; a home, stability, him at night. She's never worked so she depends on him. As for myself, I am a single mother and I struggle every day to make a living, she- has it all without even trying. I hate my situation it's so devastating. I'm sorry that you all have to go through the same.

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written by tz , 04 February, 2008

I can relate. We were perfect for each other too, I thought. We both loved to gamble a little, like "Journey" and the same music, loved to have fun etc. I still have never heard from him and now know I won't. It bothered me too when he would say how "his wife never had to want for anything, she always matched from head to toe, had a set of dishes for every occasion etc. I struggle worrying to just make ends meet. We need to remember we are "blessed". We have beautiful children, we are smart enough to work, and we have God. I went to church yesterday. It was a good start again. When I was messing around, I didn't feel worthy of enough to go to church doing what I was doing. We just need to know we are here to support each other, and I ask God to put someone special in my life when he is ready. I do admit it is lonely. I am only 36 and I want someone in my life. I will pray for you, and please pray for me too.

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written by stupid girl , 05 February, 2008

I am so stupid. I have been seeing a guy for 14mnths now. He isn't married and i am so in love with him. He has now said for the first time that he will leave her for me. He is meant to be moving into a new house with her and says he will move with her and then walk out.He says they have neighbors are neighbors from hell and is scared that they will threaten his girlfriend if he is not there. Why is he doing this. Why doesn't he just split with her now and live with her until they sell the house. I love him so much and feel i can't go on without him. I have tried breaking away several times.

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written by Another one endlessly in love , 07 February, 2008

I read these and see myself. I know I should run, I have told him the same. I know we are playing with fire, I know it's going to really hurt in the end... yet I make every effort to be with him, to see him. Why am I so STUPID!?!?!?!?

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written by tz , 08 February, 2008

I know what it is. We don't think highly of ourselves and that we can do better. The guy I was seeing for 4months that was married and was going to leave his wife has never called again since I called his wife. By the way all the promises he was making to me and complaints about his wife were lies. She told me he never was going to leave and was happy. He then got on the phone and said he loved her. He used me. It is a game they can have both. I am getting a little better, but glad I was only in a few months. We need to stay strong ladies!

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written by OPTIMISTIC , 11 February, 2008

I have a bit of a peculiar situation, me and my guy have been friends for over 8 years, I mean strictly platonic. I have met his girlfriend (of 2 years) as he has met my fiance (of 6 years) on plenty of occasions. We are best friends, up until about 2 months ago; I suddenly had some sort of epiphany about him and our relationship. I confessed to him what I felt, for him to tell me he has been in love with me the entire time we've known each other, he just didn't want to exposed himself to me since I've never given him any indication of interest in him other than friendship.

Well being that we've been so much of good friends of course I love him to death as any woman would her best girlfriend. Now it's a total different kind of love, I'm completely in love with him; he has told me the same and has even gotten so emotional to the brink of tears while expressing his feelings towards me. Obviously, we are now sleeping together which makes matters even worse.

I have indicated that I will leave my fiance (no kids, no attachments, mutual friends to deal with) if he were to leave his girlfriend (their parents are close, their families attend the same church so it's inevitable they will have contact for a very long time). He has not yet said if he is willing to leave her for me yet, he says he isn't quite sure if he wants to completely jump.

My thought is, we've known each other for over 8 years, longer than both of our relationships, it should be an easy pick, unless he doesn't feel as strongly as he suggests. I'm not sure if I'm being too premature on making a leap for him or if he will eventually come around and maybe I should just give him a few months to get his bearings...

I WOULD GREATLY APPRECIATE INPUT FROM ANYONE THAT MAY HAVE A BIT OF INSIGHT ON WHAT I SHOULD DO, OR WHAT IT IS THAT HE'S REALLY SAYING BETWEEN THE LINES.

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written by TishyPoo , 12 February, 2008

OPTIMISTIC, sounds to me like he is scared. Scared of what everyone will think, of his reputation, etc. You need to back off right away before things get out of hand. I'm not saying to break it off, just back off for awhile and tell him why. If he is truly in love with you, he will come for you. It will hurt like hell for awhile but if it's love, it will work out.

~If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.~

Albert Einstein

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written by Turn off your Lights no One is , 12 February, 2008

Dear Optimistic,
A man's point of view. You have to be kidding me. Your letter is like all the other women who have had affairs. First you are involved with a man, a fiance, for over 6 years and you are not married yet? That says a lot about your relationship with him and that you are not serious about each other. He is getting the milk for free without buying the cow. Your relationship with your long time friend has just slipped into the same situation as your 6 year relationship with your fiance. Your long time male friend just got laid and that's all there is to it. You are not going to make him change his mind because he does not love you in that way because if he did he would have jumped at the chance years ago. Here is my opinion. First Turn on your Lights (Intelligence) and look at all the clues because they are in front you. Reconsider your 6 year engagement and tell your male friend that it won't work with him. Sorry this is harsh but it is from a man's point and we look at things differently.

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written by tz , 12 February, 2008

optomistic, I do relate with your situations in some ways. First of all I am glad neither of you are legally married or have kids. That will make it easier. I just got back with my husband after being divorced three years. I had seen other people and he had just began dating a lady the last couple of weeks. He had to break it off with her and felt bad for doing it let alone it had only been two weeks but they had been intimate. It is hard for a "normal" person to hurt someone else's feelings. Give him a little time, but let him no you will not wait too long. Reasonable time to me is not over a month. If he wants you bad enough he will. Do they live together? Do you live with you mate? It does take a little time to get your ducks in a row. Good luck. My husband and I have know each other for 14 years married 8 divorced 3 and lived together for a few years. Its hard to find someone you know so well. Trust Me. I have met a lot of "bad guys" in the last three years. A honest nice person is hard to find.

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written by get the clues , 12 February, 2008

Dear Optimistic - Action speaks more than words!!!!! People who really love each other do not give excuses especially after all the years you have known him.

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written by Sad lady , 18 February, 2008

I have been reading everyone's comments and I can both appreciate and understand emotions on both sides. I am a married women who has been involved with a married man for the last 6 months. I think my situation is unique in the fact that I was married before to a man who cheated on me. It was one of the most hurtful things that I have ever been though. I eventually divorced my ex and he went on to marry the woman who he cheated with. This time, I am the cheater. I remarried about 5 years ago to a man, who I probably never should have married to begin with. 8 months ago, I found my high school boyfriend. We had not seen each other for over 20 years. We got together and it was like we were never apart. I have always loved this man and I truly believe he loves me. We both knew what we were doing was wrong, but it seemed so right. I have children and so does he. His children are almost out of high school and yes, we have talked about him leaving once his youngest child graduates from high school. Do I really think that this will happen, not really. Our affair ended as abruptly as it begin and I am sorry I ever found him again. I am sorry because I love someone that I think I may never really have and it reinforces how miserable I am in my current marriage. I do see my marriage coming to an end soon. However, when it comes to my MM, I feel as though his wife has told him in no uncertain terms that she would destroy him career wise if he ever left her. They have a very good life together in terms of status and income. So in essence he is a prisoner to his fears and financially stability, and until he decides to let go, he will never be free. We both are in our early forties, and I refuse to wait any longer for this man, who cannot or will not leave his situation. As time goes on, he will probably wind up being a bitter old man because of the decisions he chose to leave with. This is the only affair that I have ever had, and I would not allow myself to be put into another situation such as this one because again it is just too painful. I am in torment, praying for the day when I can get over this man. The sad part, is that his is probably involved in an affair also. In my humble opinion, all the hurt affairs cause, just are not worth the trouble or effort.

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written by kathyb , 18 February, 2008

I am the wife of the married man who left me and my adult children!!! I was married to him for thirty five yrs... Please you other women think about the pain you cause... we have not been together for over six yrs... He just married her two months ago. My daughter has been sick and most of it has been caused by her dad leaving me and his family. By the way other women they have less than a one percent chance of making it through the long haul! Please think of his family ...ANN

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written by OPTIMISTIC STILL , 21 February, 2008

I really appreciate the input from everyone (even you, Turn off your lights, no one is). As to the questions that were asked, yes my mate and I do live together, we have no children or ties in any way. And we have only been engaged for 1 year, and we have been together for 5 years all on my terms. My future love and his girlfriend do not live together, and neither of them have children. I should have mentioned that we don't live in the same state, I feel if he really didn't have feelings he would not make half of the efforts to see me, I mean on Valentine's Day he spent the entire day with his girlfriend, made some excuse, and drove from state to state to bring me flowers on my lunch break at work. And then drove back to her!

I do understand that he cannot just cut her loose, but I do feel if he was so happy with her, there wouldn't be any talk of us being together exclusively, getting married, having children, which he is constantly making references to "our future" (I have asked him to stop making references like that being that he is not making any moves towards it), but he continues to say things like "Where do you want to go on our honeymoon?" or "Next year this time, we'll be married, but it makes me so uneasy to pretend as if it's a snap of the fingers.

I have not completely expressed exactly how I feel, no where near as much as he opens up to me, I am completely in love with him, and I've said it, but I have not voiced to him the depth of my feelings (for fear of being hurt directly). I am getting fed up with the sneaking, the txt messages, the planning, the lying its all too much (I've resorted to a notebook of all my lies in case I'm every approached, sounds stupid but quite smart).

OMG, I'm so frustrated and its so agonizing to continue on like this. I guess its just not mean to be, but I'm still hoping.

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written by Need man's point of view , 22 February, 2008

Started talking to my first love again over 2 years ago. We're both married, although I'm separated from my husband. he says that he loves his wife but that he's still in love with me. We've only had sex once, over a year ago. I've broke it off several times with him and him with me. He doesn't promise anything and I no longer ask him to. We avoid seeing each other in person because the last time we did (sex over a year ago) things became very intense and confusing. I love him, it doesn't seem to go away regardless of how I try to forget him. We only talk a few times a week over the phone in the early a.m. hours. He tells me over and over again how very much he misses and loves me. What I need to know is...

We don't talk about our marriages. We talk about work, friends, our children, old times (high school days). We talk about "what if's" and "could have beens". What exactly could a man be getting out of this? Could he be bored or is he getting some kind of ego boost out of our early morning conversations? Can a man really love two women? Is he confused? I feel as if he doesn't love me enough to be with me but he doesn't love his wife enough to leave me alone. Can someone give an opinion? I welcome even harsh truthful opinions.

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written by Turn off your Lights no One i , 22 February, 2008

First of all this is my point of view and I am a man and was involved with other women for many years.
My wife put up with my crap for over 4 years and that was 18 years ago. We just had our 40th and we are happy. Just a little background on me to let you know that I can speak on the subject and give some sage opinion to your post.
Dear Ms. Needs a Man point of View,
The man you speak to in the early morning hours is not in love with two women, he may or may not love his wife but that's NOT the issue. The issue is why would you even consider talking to a married man in this fashion when you know he is taken. He does not appear to be a good catch any way if he is talking to you. What is he getting out of this? His ego is building and eventually he take the step to continue his adulterous relationship with or without you. He is lacking balls at this time but he will, with your help, become just as I was...he'll baby steps and then he'll take the leap. Keep this in mind..he is calculating and knows what he is doing to your. Is he confused? Hell NO. He is not confused..he is setting you up into a long term relationship that will lead absolutely NOWHERE. He will lie to you at every turn. He will say things like: I don't love my wife, we aren't getting along, we don't sleep in the same bed, I can't wait till the kids are grown and out of high school, if I leave her she'll take me to the cleaners, etc, etc, etc, These are all lies. He holds the deck of cards and is giving you a losing hand. He has dealt himself a Royal Flush and is giving you three Aces. This will lead you to believe that you have a very good hand but the reality is, you don't. He will always up the price to play by stringing you along with a little lie here and a little lie there...these are all bluffs. Guess what? You'll stay in the game because you know that you can win but NOT really since he has the winning hand. I do feel sorry for you...because after I read your letter you'll stick with his game....and you won't even call his bluff...you'll just keep putting in your chips (that means: feeling, hopes, dreams, love, heart and even your soul). YOU WILL LOSE.
OPINION:
Tell the jerk not to call you again. Don't waste your time and effort. Mark my words he'll stop calling but you have to mean what you tell him. He knows you are weak and that's what he is counting on.

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written by Sad lady , 22 February, 2008

Re: Need a man's point of view.....I can certainly understand how you feel, I too have the very same questions you have. Our situations sound almost the same. Same MO's. But as for me and my sanity, I cannot continue being in limbo with this man. I haven't heard from him in almost a month so maybe it is over for him as well. Meanwhile, I am trying to forget about him, not easy at all.

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written by JUST A OPINION , 22 February, 2008

MY FATHER HAD A LOT OF AFFAIRS AND AT MY DAD'S FUNERAL I MET A SISTER I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD. SHE TOLD ME THAT HER MOTHER WAS ALWAYS "AVAILABLE" TO MY DAD, EVEN THOUGH MY DAD AND HER LIVED IN A DIFFERENT STATES. WHEN MY OWN HUSBAND HAD AN AFFAIR I ASKED HIM WHY? HE TOLD ME THE SAME THING, SHE WAS "AVAILABLE". PEOPLE WHO HAVE AFFAIRS ARE ALWAYS TRYING TO MAKE EXCUSES OR BLAME OTHER PEOPLE FOR THEIR OWN ACTION/SHORTCOMINGS... DON'T BE AVAILABLE.

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written by amI2timed , 24 February, 2008

I became involved with MM (myself unhappily married 35 years)about 2 years ago. He showered me with attention, sweet talk, a special gift to remember in case it all fell through. For the first year it was wonderful and I was thoroughly happy and so was he. I KNEW it. We got caught and decided we could not ever be apart and were tired of the lying and were going to move in together to eventually get married. He even left home.
But I felt such remorse for hurting his wife (she was older)and I just felt it was so WRONG. I thought maybe I could get my husband to somehow show me the love I found with this other man. So I told him I couldn't do it. Within a week he went back home, but still wanted to see me as much as he could...he loved me so much, he was grateful for any time he could have with me. A month later he left again and asked me what I was going to do. He had given all the property to his wife and we had nothing even to get started on. I shared a business with my husband and had no outside income nor savings. I began to think of all the pain of a divorce from my husband and the dividing up of things...my husband made me feel like everyone would blame me. I clearly hesitated.
My MM may have given up. In my meantime he went to a bar and then is when I suspected he met someone, quite innocently perhaps at first, just to have fun with. He drives a truck and there were indications he took her on several long trips. Then I found some receipts for meals, regularly smelled perfume on him, less calling, wouldn't answer the phone at times, impatience, Levitra in his truck, lying about whereabouts...all the while still spending a lot of time with me in glorious activities... eating out, flying, afternoons together.
I felt like he decided to break it off with the other woman because he went back home and that maybe was a good excuse to tell her, but I think he still saw her for 2 more months. He said his wife asked him if he planned to quit seeing me and he said NO and then he left again, asking me again what I was going to do and when I could be with him...this time I said I would and went to a job interview. He asked me to tell my husband I was leaving with him...that it was hard, but we had to go through it. BUT then 2 days later said maybe he wouldn't be leaving because of his daughter (54 years old) and grandchildren (in their twenties). So he would cry when we talked about what he was going to do, saying he didn't want to leave me and that he was torn. I felt like for the next 2 months he gave up the other girl he was seeing and we had 2 great months of love and caring.
But we had some serious conversations about whether he could be with me permanently and he was just so torn. I think the pressure of financial, social and moral implications was more than he could do.
I knew the day he started up with the other woman yet again maybe after he decided that he did not want to be with me.
I confronted him many times about this other woman, but he vehemently denies it. Sometimes I wonder if I could be wrong, but I don't think so. He is so wonderful to me otherwise that he makes up for things and I certainly do enjoy my time with him. But I still see that it could have been so much more, if I hadn't had this backdrop of his seeing someone else. Why is he doing this to me? I couldn't do it to him! He has gone home now for the THIRD time but still wants to see me, but I feel he is still balancing time between me and this other woman (not his wife). I have thoughts of telling him it's over...but I have no real proof he is seeing someone else. And then I wonder what my life will be like after that. At least now I do have someone to have some fun and feelings of love for. I think the other woman knows about me and I worry if he tells her I am just a bother, that he really loves her.
You will all say I am a fool to be bothering with him, but my life has been so happy and fun-filled with him, despite my suspicions. I just feel that I made a horrible decision for hesitating to be with this man when he wanted me and it hurt him so much that he felt I didn't really love him or I would have committed to him right away.
My husband involves himself in his work and our only interaction is in our business. His attention has never been on me, hence my attraction to this man. I have tried to make things better with my husband but he just does not respond with appreciation and gratitude that I crave.
I keep hanging on to the MM in hopes that he is just sowing his wild oats because he couldn't have the ONE he WANTED and that eventually he will leave her off and be committed to me. I have thought so many times in the past year of this, that he was going to finally be true to me, but after it appeared he went back with her these last 3 months, I am so scared I have lost him. ...but he still wants to see me.
Does anyone understand?

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written by viviana , 26 February, 2008

I was involved with a MM who stated he was just as unhappy as I was in my marriage, but he said it would just take time, because he had so much to loose. Three days before he completely cut off communication with me, he told me how much he loved me, then I never got a call back. Realizing I had been used was harder than loosing him, because the man I loved did not exist. Now I wished I had called his wife, but she probably knows that he cheats on her, and is willing to put up with it because of their attachment. He used to tell me that he had never cheated on her before, but I never believed him, but also never told him that, because "his word was his bond." The red flags were there all the time, the only thing I miss is that I did not have a chance to tell him what a loser I think he really is, but I will move on with my life, and he is stuck in his.

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written by karter , 10 March, 2008

Been with a married man for 22 yrs. They never, ever leave. Not after 3 months, when something was going to pop any day, thru kids growing up, thru kids moving out. They don't leave--no matter how deep the love, how perfect a soul mate, how deep the attraction nor how impeccable the sex--they don't leave.

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written by zmailer , 11 March, 2008

I met my wife when I was 21. After 12 weeks of dating we married. A year later we had a child. We then had 16 years of happiness and a wonderful life together. I never cheated on her- though many times fantasized about other women- I had never had any serious relationships prior to my wife. Out of the blue, around the time of my son`s 16th birthday- my wife became pregnant. It was unplanned but we were both happy. She lost the child and became very unhappy. She and I tried to conceive again but to no avail. Her desperation to become pregnant again made life difficult- and she made a lot of demands on me sexually- I have never had a strong sex drive, and eventually found I could not get aroused anymore. Then, I met someone else. She too was married. We had a 3 month affair and promised each other from the outset that it would never go anywhere. But we fell in love with each other. I slept with my wife just one time whilst having my affair- and my wife conceived. I told my girlfriend what had happened and that we would have to end the affair. She was devastated and angry. She told me she would leave her husband to be with me and begged me to do the same to my now pregnant wife. But I couldn't go through with this, although I did love her deeply. After 3 agonizing months of ducking and diving, and continuing my affair- I confessed the whole thing to my wife. At this point my wife informed me that she too had an affair 5 years ago which went on for 6 months. This amazed me. My wife also said that she had ended the affair as she realized that I was the true love of her life and that I should do the same. I tried to end my affair but I just couldn't do it. In the end, my girlfriend said that I had to make a decision. Spurred on by the fact that my wife had been unfaithful, but burdened by the guilt of leaving her pregnant, I spent a further 2 moths in despair and one day, I left my wife to be with my lover. At this point she left her husband and we set up home together. My wife is devastated and wants me back. I love my new partner but the thought of my wife bringing up a young baby on her own makes me very sad. Every day I see her face when I close my eyes and it makes me want to cry. Yet at the same time I really do love my new life. We have been living together for 12 months and the guilt and sadness will not go away. If I leave my new love, I would be so unhappy. I think my wife would have me back. If I dont end my relationship my wife says I will never see the child- she also will destroy me financially and has threatened that she will make my life hell- but this is anger talking- she is not a bad person, just a very hurt one. I feel sometimes I may kill myself. Day to day, life with my new love is good. However, she is very jealous of any other women that speak to me, accuses me of eying up other women (which I don't do)- and is very scared I may go back to my wife. I don't know what to do. I love this woman. But if I really loved her- why am I so crushed by the thought of my wife being so alone and unhappy without me to look after her?? Any thoughts welcome- I really do not know what to do.

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written by Been There, Done That, Came Ba , 11 March, 2008

Zmailer,
I have been where you are. My wife showed me your post this morning (6:00 a.m.) as I was getting ready for work. I do have a lot to tell you about this mixed-up world you're in but it can't happen on this post because it would be a book. If the site moderator provides me with your email or phone I'll make contact with you.

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written by tz , 11 March, 2008

z-mailer Was your wife unfaithful? I went back to my husband after being divorced three years. We share a 10 year old together. Through my time alone, I found that we drove each other a little crazy over an 8 year marriage, but I couldn't find anyone who loved me so much emotionally. I love him to for his respect, honesty, and love. These kids need both parents. "Its hard not to have a daddy like all of the other kids." It is never to late to do what makes you feel the best. It has been a month w/my ex at home, but I love the companionship and watching my two girls together. By the way he had financially supported my 17 year old girl since she was four. Now that is also a good man. Don't get me wrong, we have our share of conflicts, but jealousy is no good either. Been there with other men. Take Care

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written by zmailer , 12 March, 2008

To Been There Done That. I am happy for the moderator to do that

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written by kmngl , 15 March, 2008

I agree with what everyone is saying about how married men lie. Mine is one of them. If they 'never leave their wives'... then how come my husband is moving in with the other woman. He is leaving 4 children (under 12) and 18 yrs of marriage to be with someone he has known 7 months. He has been with prostitutes while with her. Our 12 daughter is not speaking to him and he thinks he will have to give me 50% of his super. Well, actually it is 65%. Our house is for sale. So he is willing to give up everything to be with her. Everyone thinks he is insane/lost the plot/off this planet/delusional. And in his fantasy world the kids are going to live with him. Any ideas???

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written by getting it together , 17 March, 2008

To Kmngl,
Your husband has a addiction. I think it would help if you learn all you can about "addiction" and what you needed to do for you and your family.

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written by Alison D , 18 March, 2008

I met David 20 years ago and we lived together in the late 80s -early 90's. We were going to get married, but he had been very badly burnt with his 1st wife(had 2 children) and he thought I would do the same as she had, so he ran and I moved up North. Between 1999-2002 I was living with another man and we didn't see/speak to each other. In 2003, I split from this man and moved back down south with my job and rang David up out of the blue. We met up and started seeing each other again but on a more boyfriend/girlfiend basis. This was ok until I suddenly thought I want more, he can't give me more and I stopped seeing him. 2 months later he rang me and said he was married and had to tell me that he had been since 2003 (we started seeing each other 4 weeks after his wedding day) he said he would go to a solicitor (which he did) to get divorced as he only married her as he had been told I was happy with someone else. This was 1 year 2 months and he hasn't left due to financial worries? He cares for her, but can't leave his security.
So, I said, "her or me" and he cried and said he just couldn't. This was a month ago and we have spoken a few times and he said he thinks about me all the time and he is just following his routine but he is so miserable. I am distraught and just can't see my way through this. What do you all think? My sister says don't ring him, he will realize that he can't live without you as he hasn't had to.

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written by mixed emotions , 18 March, 2008

I too have been dating a MM for a 19 months. We work closely together and have high profile jobs. He has 2 kids and so do I. I did get a divorce because I fell out of love with my husband and we had issues. We had these issues way before my MM and I met. He also was going through some marital problems. When we saw each other my heart would just pound out of my chest. We have gone on day trips together, and have had some wonderful adventures. He started to pull away from me about 7 months into our relationship. So I did too. I was very hurt and I needed some space. But yet we always find our way back. We didn't want to hurt anyone. Yet we fell in love. He said he has come alive since I have been in his life and he didn't know that love could feel like this. We reconciled around Christmas and I told him that he was my New Years Resolution. I would not get intimate or emotionally involved with him again. That lasted 1 week. He is now planning to take a 5 day vacation out of town with me. This is to see how it would be like to be just us in the open. We are so similar. He too says that we would have been married and had many kids, if things were different. We both have expressed concern that even though the trip will be wonderful, the sadness when we come home will be unbearable. I think we both need to find out. I hope this will be a defining trip and we draw some kind of conclusion to our life together. The obstacles that lie in our path is his finances ( they have too much money and assets), 17 years and a very very jealous Greek wife. Not to mention the thought of being shunned by the Greek community.I sometimes ask myself will we be the 1% of couples that make it? Insight anyone?

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written by Some Insight , 19 March, 2008

Mixed emotion... I think you already answered your own question, by saying you are weak and cannot stay away from him. When people love each other there's no "obstacles" used as excuses. It sounds to me, that he's also weak and uses his wife's jealousy or his Greek status as a excuse to justify his behavior. Both your behavior is hurtful, my insight would be to examine yourself and find out why you would want this in your life in hopes of that 1%.

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written by hurt wife , 22 March, 2008

Women who date married men please stop. I am the wive who has been hurt by her cheating husband and I don't know what to do? I have been with my husband for 10 years of my life. My husband had an affair about four years ago. He really hurt me it destroyed me completely. I thought I could give him a chance because of my two young kids. He said he made a mistake and to give him another chance. So I did.
I wasn't able to fully trust him again
Not to long ago I found out that he had another affair for the second time. I am just so hurt. We have been having problems, but why again? He says, he still loves me. How is that possible? I just don't get it. I am really confused and like previously said it so hard to let go? If anybody can give and type of advice I will appreciate it.

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written by withaRandyAss , 22 March, 2008

I was the other woman and the MM in my life liked to toy with me. I don't know why I put up with it for two damn years. And each time we broke up, it was because of an obsession with some other new woman. He thinks he's so damn cute, it makes me puke. He left me with a severe bladder condition from his being oversexed. He phoned me up the other day because he felt obligated. He can go to hell. The wife can have him. She always has.

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written by Fooledme , 26 March, 2008

Ok I'm in with the rest of us foolish women four years with a man. Did not know he was married. Unbelievable, even my family was shocked. Though hindsight is 20/20 there were red flags all along but we even started a business, planned on buying a home to raise kids... What was he thinking. I discovered an unhappily married, sick,incredibly religious wife (not ex) when I went to pick up some business items at his apt. Don't know, don't really care what they have decided to do the next day he completely cut contact but I need to get him off the business which he has now abandoned. Can't seem to get him to sign off first asked for a month now I guess they have a no-contact agreement. Why wouldn't he just want to get rid of the business issue if he is trying to make a go with his wife. Makes no sense and I'm not calling rule any suggestions!

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written by MaryAnne , 31 March, 2008

I too am a member of this club of "other women." My story begins with being on a dating site. After many meetings with many single men, I met this man who just happened to be living with someone. He's been with this woman for about 18 years. I knew this from the start but couldn't get over how we seemed to click mentally and spiritually. He and I share so very many things in common that it's just uncanny.
He and this woman never did actually walk down the aisle and get married although I guess you could call their relationship a common law marriage since they've been together for so long. They have no children. She is 12 years older than him and he's in his forties. He started looking elsewhere because she was unable at the time to have sex with him. The months turned into years and being that he's only human, he lost interest in her and grew tired of waiting and satisfying himself for so long.
That's how he ended up on the dating site. We've been seeing each other since Sept. of 2006 and I've never in my life experienced the joy that he brings to me. He has also mentioned this to me as well. Still to this day, him and her hardly ever have sexual contact. And whenever she wants to have sex with him, he has a hard time getting aroused if at all. He says that he no longer desires her. He has even told her this. At least that's what he tells me. They hardly ever spend any time together and on the days that they do, ( normally Sundays and maybe on occasion a Saturday ) he says he feels trapped. Even when he's stuck at home with her, he always makes it a point to find an excuse to get out of the house for a short period of time to call me and see how I am. She knows about me and yet she still stays with him. Of course once she found out, she begged him not to sleep with anyone else and to stop seeing me. So now, he's still seeing me but she thinks it's over.
This man calls me up to 5 times a day and our conversations can last up to 3 hours sometimes off and on. Thank goodness we have the same cellphone carrier. He makes every effort to see me as often as possible. Sometimes daily. I'm sure that there is an underlying reason why he stays with her. And most times I think to myself that it would be extremely hard for me to ever trust him if he and i did ever get together as a couple since he's cheating with me on her. He says he loves me and shows it in many ways but I know that he's never going to leave her. He's comfortable. He's been with her a long time. Even though there is no passion between them, they must have a bond. A bond that is strong enough to keep them together. My heart aches daily for him. I'm so confused. I know he's having his cake and eat it too. I know I'm being used. I know that I'm probably nothing more than his personal sex toy but I just can't seem to bear breaking it off with him. I'm not even going to lie... I don't wanna break it off with him. I'm just so tired of being alone. I yearn to be in a relationship with a man whom I can see whenever I want. I need someone in my life that will put me as his priority. I only wish that I would have met him before he met her. He and I are one year apart in age and relate to each other on so many different levels. He doesn't have that with her. She listens to country music and he hates it. She's an extreme atheist and he's spiritual. They don't even enjoy watching movies together because they have such different tastes as far as action, drama, comedy etc.... What they do have is high intellectualism. They are both extremely intelligent individuals. Very high IQs. But that's it. I guess it's like they say, opposites attract I suppose.
When I'm with him, I'm so happy but when I'm away from him, I'm extremely sad and feeling empty inside. Incomplete. I wish there was an easy answer on what to do about this situation. :-

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written by tz , 31 March, 2008

organized chaos. You are fooling yourself. Call her and talk w/her like I did. He is probably lying to you. They are not dumb. He knows the right things to say to you. Call her and 50% of what he is telling you is probably not true. If it is so bad he would get out.

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written by Dissolutioned , 01 April, 2008

:-I think if a man is having an affair even if it is an emotional one with another women, other than his wife...it means that there is something missing in his marriage... I strongly believe that 90 percent of men that marry do not marry women that they are in love with.. remember ladies.. men settle for whatever is around.. They don't divorce if things aren't too bad, they stick it out.. and find some girl to play around with.. remember they do not want to lose their homes and pension plans and there style of living... Men are dogs... stay away from those married guy... you're wasting time. You can find someone who you can love and loves you back and start a life together..

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written by Confused and angry , 01 April, 2008

I have been talking to MM for over a year I am also a MW... We knew each other 23 years ago and because I was married I never cheated on my husband... my marriage wasn't that great then nor now.. I looked Mr. MM up on the internet and there he was.. I contacted him and we have been corresponding and talking on the phone... He doesn't want to meet me for the fear of an affair... he was caught by his wife with the Emails and he still wanted me to talk and write to him.. We can't stop talking to each other.. and I ache for him... he said he has feelings for me but what kind of feelings.. also that he loves his wife, but its not the love you would have when your in the 20's he said. I don't know anything anymore, he won't show me pictures of his family, I showed him mine... I think he is embarrassed... then he said that he ruined his life by marrying this lady.. I told him that I have ruined mine too. I don't know what to make of it.. really I don't.

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written by MaryAnne , 02 April, 2008

tz,

I hate to admit it but I know what you're saying is most likely true. I realize that I'm only getting one side of the story. And even though he has given me her cellphone number in the past as a precautionary measure should she ever acquire my number, I don't think it would do any of us any good to have a confrontation with her. For one, I don't feel it's my place to be calling her to find out if he is indeed lying to me as he is to her. That would be rather silly on my part. It's also rather silly of me to expect him to even be telling me the truth being the situation we're involved in don't ya think? The bad thing is that I allowed my feelings to grow. I often wish that things were as they were in the beginning. There was a time that I could've cared less if I'd ever spoken to or even seen him ever again. I sometimes wish things were like that again. And boy lemme tell ya.....
He pursued me big time! Not only before we were intimate but several times afterward also. It was as though he were obsessed with me. So many phone calls, flowers, cards, surprise visits to my job, you name it - he did it. And he's still like that to this day. Just keeping me hooked. And I'm so weak because I'm lonesome and starved for the attention. He makes me feel as though I'm above all others. A goddess-like creature. It's amazing how weak my mind is when my heart is in charge. He's making arrangements to spend a few days and nights with me next week since we never have an abundance of time together. There was only one other time like that and that was 2 Christmas' ago when she'd gone out of town to visit her family. He and I spent 5 glorious days and nights together. I'll never forget them.
So as you can see, I'm truly a mess. I'm hoping that one day I will find the strength to tell him that I can't keep on going on like this. One day being able to tell him that if he's truly not happy with her that he needs to leave her and get out on his own for awhile. And once he does that, then perhaps he and I can try to build a life together. I know I need to do this but it's just so hard. Thank you for your response tz.

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written by tz , 03 April, 2008

I have been there, but when I called his wife, he never contacted me again. Why buy the chicken if you get the eggs for free? Good s--, come and go as you please. You know what I mean. My MM did all those things too. Met my family,came to my job, bought my kids and I gifts. Promises Promises. I am just trying to save you time and hurt. Our low self esteems get us in these positions. We need to love ourselves although it is hard for me to do that.

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written by Mixed Emotions , 03 April, 2008

Dear organized chaos, I understand completely where you are coming from. I have decided that I am going away with my MM for 5 days regardless of whether it is will be good or bad for me. I am doing this because this will prove once and for all that we have exhausted all possibilities and that if he really wants to be with me he will have to ask for the divorce. If he doesn't I am moving on and dating others and maybe I will keep him on the side. It is time for me to empower myself. I just got out of my marriage and I am taking that time for myself. I refuse to put my life on hold for another man. If your MM truly feels you are so wonderful and tries to woo you every chance he gets then it is time to give him the ultimatum. The fear of loneliness is not worth the fear of the unknown of happiness with someone you claim to love.

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written by amcmillan0006 , 04 April, 2008

I am in the same boat as all of you and so confused and hurt I don't know what to do or how to break away from this MM that is killing me slowly. Its true he is as an addiction that I cant control. Someone please help me break free from this man...

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written by Need a man's point of view , 04 April, 2008

I asked for advice well over a month ago. I want to thank the man who wrote. I know everyone who posts here doesn't really need to be told what he or she needs to do, we already know the answers.

I have stopped talking to my M/M. And for all of you who are afraid to stop contact, that he'll never call again... don't be! Chances are these men will continue to hound and harass you for a long time. While they cry and bawl over the phone about their love for you, a light will come on. You'll hear them for what they truly are. Very lost, lonely, sad souls. Souls very unlikely to ever experience anything real in any relationship. Not unless they get to an age or a place in their life where they want different for themselves. Don't think you'll be able to help them with this, like everyone, it's a lesson they'll have to learn for themselves.

My Grandmother use to say, "You are the company you keep." My lesson has been a hard one. I can never expect more for myself unless I become more. A cheater only deserves a cheater. Liars hang with liars. I became everything I hated most about him. How can you expect happiness, when it comes at someone else's cost? Believe me, you can walk away much easier than the wife can.

Expect more for and from yourselves, and you'll attract the same caliber of person. Good luck!

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written by Dear Hurt Wife , 04 April, 2008

I have 5 sisters. Two have been cheated on by their husbands. Almost certainly, husbands always come back! You won't be hurting forever. The wheel always turns, who's on top today will take a turn on the bottom. When the day comes for your top and your husbands bottom, the only predicament you'll be in, is deciding if you really even want him anymore!

Your in a bad place right now. Believe me when I tell you, you won't be there forever. Time brings light to all things. Just take a day at a time, only think on how your life can work without him. Before you know, you've gotten on with living, and it won't be so bad without him.

Surround yourself with people who love you. Friends and family who will support you. Talk to them about your situation. I know ten years is a long time, but if you put it behind you, it'll only seem like a small moment in a long lifetime!

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written by MaryAnne , 13 April, 2008

tz,

I appreciate your support in trying to spare me the awful heartache that always seems to rear it's ugly head in these situations sooner or later... even during as I now am already experiencing. I have to admit that he has never once promised me anything to the affect of one day having a life with me. I have noticed though that when times do arise where it seems that I am withdrawing or stepping back / away from the relationship, he is always quick to express his undying love for me and one time he even went as far as to say that he didn't know how much longer he could " do this ". When I asked him exactly what he meant by " do this, " he said that he wasn't sure how long he could continue living with her. He was extremely hesitant when telling me this information but he did nonetheless.
I agree with you about our self esteem. Mine is at an all time low right now and I'm not really loving myself either which would explain why I seem to have really let myself go. I haven't been taking good care of myself as a result. I don't know what to tell you except that he really has a hold on me. I'm like a kept woman. I think about him often and wish and fantasize. It's almost as if I have no life without him. It's sad, I know but it's the truth. All I do is work, come home and wait for his call. My life seems to be on hold and revolving around him. I don't know why but it just is. I'm in a constant state of anxiety as well. That is until he comes around. Sometimes I shake my head in disbelief of how I'm letting him do this to me but it's like a drug and I am hopelessly addicted. A junkie.....

Mixed Emotions,

I had my 2 days and nights with him the beginning of this week and I absolutely love being in his presence. It was nice to be able to not have to worry about time for a change. Being able to take our time together and sleep together was sweet to say the least. We even went to a movie. ( something we never get to do)
I do have to admit one thing though. Sadly I'm beginning to realize that he and I more than likely can never be together as a couple. I mean sure, we have many commonalities between us. Our love for music, good conversation, and our intimacy far exceeds any that I've ever experienced in my entire life. I never knew of a passion so intense. So deep. So loving and lovely. But after that, there's nothing. He's white collar. I'm blue collar. He's book smart. I'm street smart. He's disorganized and forgetful, misplacing his things on a daily basis. I'm more organized with the memory of an elephant. All we really share is sex. That is our main strongest focal point. (and conversation on the phone) I just don't think we'd make it as a couple. I wish we could but it doesn't look promising. Now, the only thing left for me to do is to accept that.
I too have been looking to find someone else. Someone single. I just don't know if I can let him go though. I would miss him so. Whenever he thinks he's losing me he turns on the tears. And I, of course, fall for it every time. I can't believe I'm in love with a married man. What in the hell is wrong with me????

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written by Lied to , 19 April, 2008

Our love was unique. We were the only two people in the world who could feel such wonderful passion and agreed on just about everything.
I am a 60 MW who met a MM seven months ago on the internet. He is a writer and being I am an editor it was friendship at first sight. We both enjoyed speaking highly of our spouses and families. No open door for ecstasy was placed in order; until we found out through some serious conversations our marriages both 44 held little interest and his wife was impossible. (NEVER BELIEVE THAT UNLESS YOU ARE A FLY ON A WALL TAKING NOTES)
I helped him edit his new book. Eventually his book was published. After seven weeks we went our way and back to my stale, dried up marriage. I have never cheated on my husband and always held our marriage vows as sacred. My husband is a dear man who ended up terribly hurt by discovering one of our e-mails. It all happened when I finished editing his second book; we both agreed upon and discovered there was more than an attraction. For the first time I felt young and beautiful again. No, he was not a smooth talker. Just the opposite. Say an ordinary guy. There was something about his kindness and sweetness that caused my heart to pump harder and my palms were moist and he provided an ingredient which was missing for years. Intimacy. He was so dear and wonderful and we fell hopelessly in love.
My husband has a serious lung disease and only has a year to live. I promised myself I would remain by his side and care for him faithfully. Instead of emailing my MM, I focused on my husband's well being. Eventually he stopped emailing me. He promised to divorce his wife and marry me. In time he came around to expressing he had children who did not ask to be born and he could never leave them. They came late in life and it would destroy them.
It was so hurtful and instead of keeping a journal of his lies, I just smiled (DUH!!!) and pretended they did not exist.
My lawyer is a dear friend and sensed something was amiss. All I did was talk about him and didn't realize how obsessed my conversation had ruled. He paid one of his workers to e-mail my MM and write wonderful words filled with praise. Little did I realize he was being taken in by one of the secretaries who had a way with words and eventually had him so interested he barely sent me one email a week. Two weeks later I received a transcript in the mail. The note read, "Please forgive me but you had to know."
I was shocked. The man I was in love with who loved me was telling another woman he was alone and miserable and how it had been a long time since he had another woman understand him so perfectly. I WAS PISSED.
The secretary's job was complete and she discontinued writing him.
I was beside myself with sadness. HE LIED TO ME!! WHAT A JERK I WAS!!!
Somehow it is summed up to LIFE HAPPENS. We make choices. When my libido rules my common sense I know trouble will brew. I think of him often, but mostly I consider how easily he breezed in and out of relationships.
I hear so much pain and understand. The one ingredient we all need is to be loved and desired. Funny thing, my husband was always loving and kind and had all the delightful traits my MM had. But he was nicer.

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written by grateful2love , 19 April, 2008

Well, I hung on to my MM of 2 years, despite constant indications of his seeing someone else other than me and his wife (!) I have begged him if there was someone else that he please just tell me, that I didn't want to be there if he didn't want me. But he still insists he loves me and there is no one else... and treats me with such tenderness and love that I have never known before. So I stay. He is in the hospital for surgery now and calls me about 10 times a day but I still feel there is someone else he is calling also. I have gotten caught by his wife trying to visit him at the hospital during this time. But she still thinks it is ONLY ME he is seeing. She is threatening a restraining order against ME when he gets out, and he doesn't have to sign it, because she has been seeing an "alzheimer lawyer" as she puts it and they are going to document him as demented, with my taking advantage of him in his "unreasoning condition". She feels his changed behavior, his apparent lack of concern for his family, doing things out of character, his love for me as a lack of inhibitions... all bull crap!!! He is sane as any of us are! My MM still insists he wants to see me... I don't know what sort of other situation he has gotten himself into or whether he is just a philanderer that must have many women interested in him or what. At any rate, I am also MW and my husband and I still live together, although just seeing each other 2 hours in the evening when he comes home for dinner. Then he leaves to take care of his ailing father. He knows about my love for MM and says he accepts it but doesn't have any need for a divorce since he is not interested in marrying anybody. So I live my life, hoping to see my MM when I can, being untrustworthy myself, having doubts about my MM trueness to me, but still experiencing the best love and concern I have ever felt from any human being... and living and working my husband's business as I have all my life. Unable to make a move one way or the other. My MM cries about his grandkids, his excuse for not marrying me... although at one time a year ago, he was ready, but I could not do it because of hurting his wife. I still do not regret the times we have had. I will always cherish wonderful memories. It just seems that ultimatums are going to force me to back down. He says "ride it out... still cannot leave me... not now." In a way, I see I cannot live a full life this way... cannot build on a lasting relationship with only fragments of time together. Cannot invest in being happy with someone for a lifetime. But I have had the most wonderful 2 years of my life. I wouldn't have had this if I hadn't taken that chance. If I died tomorrow, I will have known the love and caring I have wanted to experience all my life. Yes, he has given that to me and persisted (and still is) in giving me that. If I walk away, I am left to myself, never to experience any of that again. I could never love anyone after having loved this man. No one could ever hold a candle. I guess it is just that ONE LOVE of my life. And I am GRATEFUL that I have lived to have it.

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written by To amcmillan0006 , 19 April, 2008

It is so easy to find ourselves addicted because in the beginning the love is pure and delicious. Women should recognize some men are truly little boys who want to be mothered. Others may resent that statement.
Not all men are helpless beings, rather responsible husbands who know how to keep their priorities in order.
But... when we fall hopelessly in love and it FEELS so damn wonderful the hell with life and anyone who might end up getting hurt in the end.
Are you ready for this? I know my husband's time is limited. I was willing to move to Europe to be close to this MM.
My children and lawyer thought I lost my mind. That's what happens when we do become ADDICTED AND I WAS BLIND.
No, I shall not be moving to England and what was I thinking?
Best of luck. It is a horrid sense of loss. I still believe I love my MM because he showed me a side of himself I never knew before.
It still hurts so much and do know we have been there and understand.
Best wishes,
Lied to

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written by Molly Francis , 19 April, 2008

I am married for 12 years, he is married for 16 years. We've been together 5 years. He says he can't do that to his kids, break up their home. They are so happy. He says he doesn't want to hurt his wife's feelings. Reading all of these blogs makes me realize that my 5 years will turn into 10 years or 20. I don't want that. Living a double life means living with a heavy heart every day. Reading these make me stronger... and makes me realize, if he loves me the way he says he does, and wants to live his life with me, then he would. He has talked to a lawyer. He talked to his dad about me. And still, he is with his wife. We have been planning the "exit" for over a year. He sometimes says he just wants to get caught. I told him NO. If he wants me, be a man, and do the right thing. He's already been lying for years, just like I have. I offered to leave my home first, he said no, he wants too... And I would never tell his wife, cause then I would have him... but that is not how I want to get him. I want him because he wants me. I am worth that. I am also worth not living with his lip service anymore. I do think he loves me, but he won't break up his home. Problem is, I am and have been at the point with my husband, that I don't even want him to touch me. I like my husband a lot. He is a great dad. And we are good friends. We do a great job raising our kids. But, we are not lovers. And I miss that so much. But even if I moved five states away from the man I've had an affair with, I still would not have the urge for my husband. Is this what life is really about? Is this what marriages have come to? And I feel like another lady that wrote a blog... what in the hell is wrong with me? My parents raised me better than this! It would help if I didn't see this guy every day at work. It makes it so hard for me. Of course when I tell him I'm done with this, he gets so sad, and wants me. I am holding out though, and getting stronger every day. I am sure he'll never leave his wife for me... and his wife is mean, and no one likes her... so I know why he doesn't either. She has always been mean, even before all of this. Oh well. I need to be strong. Someone mentioned the word Addictive... I couldn't agree more. I can't imagine my life without him. I want him in my life. But I am tired of the double life. And then I think, how would I do this to my kids? They love their daddy! Shame shame shame on me.

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written by To Molly Frances , 20 April, 2008

You are a good person because you care. We go though this scenario. I cannot live without him because he provides me with intimacy; something lacking in my marriage of 44 years. My husband is a good man. But we're both in our 60's and there are few surprises in our life anymore.
Somehow it is called the second awakening where my MM made me feel alive and loved, despite all the lies, even when he also refused to leave his family I became addicted to his charming English accent. We spoke often on the phone when my husband was elsewhere. His voice and sweet loving way had me hooked for months. We always agreed how much we were in love and how long we both waited to find one another. Both in our 60's and married for over 40 years he would go on about his wife not understanding. Yet, he would tell me their passion was wonderful. OH THANK SO MUCH. That's just what I wanted to hear. What the hell is wrong with me? I felt like a schoolgirl and my brain became unwired. NO. Love and attachment is a strong ingredient to dislodge in our emotions.
Women are loving, and nurturers. It's natural to want to be there him, NO MATTER WHO GETS HURT; it just feels so Damn wonderful. So how do I disassociate my emotions with this man I long with all my heart?
Why can't I think more like a man and be more pragmatic?
Crap, I love him so much and I hate him so much.
Someone mentioned something interesting. Get rid of the jerk and start loving yourself. Free myself of him is so hard even though I am not a stupid woman my heart is dying for him. Can someone tell me. Is it because we want to mother them? Was I lacking that much stimulation in my marriage that when he came along WOW ~ it was awesome? I feel so foolish and yet I LONG for him.
HELP.
Lied to

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written by grateful2love , 20 April, 2008

I think we all do what we need to do in order to absolve the pain that we feel inside. The truth of the matter is... life is hard... get a helmet. We all enter that first grand relationship that got us married with the highest of hopes but past experiences and circumstances always bring problems. Safe to say each of us in a relationship wanted happiness and thought it could be ours. But it isn't easy. And then when ONE or both, because of raising, etc, CANNOT be what the other one truly NEEDS, then what are we to do? We often find someone else equally disillusioned and, at least for a while, find some relief from our misery and a lifting of our personal value in our own eyes. "Someone loves me. I see something wonderful in this person." But truth be known, how happy would we really be for how long with this person?... or them with us. I guess it all goes back to commitment. If we have made a commitment to someone. If who we are tied to has made a commitment to us, then if they recognize the VALUE of that commitment and that we work it out, no matter how hard... no matter what it takes, then all these aftermath problems could have been avoided. Children are kept safe, anguish of divorce is eliminated, loss of self-esteem from infidelity is avoided... society is kept at an even keel. But when ONE doesn't reciprocate what the other expects or needs, if you stay committed to the relationship, it just will not be what you expected your life to be. And we are likely to continue to search for the fulfillment of our needs. That is why BOTH in a committed relationship need to take it seriously and give their all, because life can get a whole lot worse than... ignoring your mate, being critical of your mate, needing recognition, needing appreciation. It can disrupt families. FAMILIES. That is what is hurtful. And none of us intend to do that. But our desperation for love and to love another person as fully as we can experience will bring us to that. I listen to all these blogs and it seems highly universal. Rare is the truly happy union that lasts. I feel like I tried but I couldn't do it without going outside my marriage to find happiness. And it has been grand with my MM, in spite of all the hurt I have caused others and the time lost with my original partner. I WOULDN'T HAVE WANTED TO MISS THIS!!! Yet I feel like it cannot continue on like this indefinitely. That is what we all mean about our MM making a choice and giving us the full life we have always longed for. A big decision for both. Because of all involved. And yet if all along the way we each had busted our asses to get it right as we went with our first commitment and made our needs known and INSISTED on our own happiness (as well as theirs) until we got the attention to the problems at hand, would our original relationships have been "good enough"? Just "good enough" for us to have stayed and worked at a life? We all need to think about that and is it too late now? Getting out of a relationship is hard. Wouldn't trying to stay in our first committed relationship have been easier? I say this as one who has been outside my original commitment for 10 years. Do you ever get over the pain of that failure? Oh if we could only not have failed the first time. Value ourselves enough to say "I am a person with needs and if you love me, you will at least be interested in my needs and beyond that, do your damnest to see that I am happy. And I will do my damnest to do that for you." We all gave up when maybe that is all we would have had to do.

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written by lied to , 22 April, 2008

You are funny and insightful. It truly boils down to unfulfilled expectations on my part. My MM is a sweet, endearing wonderful person who is an avid liar.
So either except him with all his faults or break it off. The helmet would work if I were riding on my husband's motorcycle.
Pride rules the roost and many of the blogs are gals who just don't know how to leave or how to go on with their lives. My MM made me feel younger and beautiful and all the trappings that happens in an affair.
THANKS, I needed that. Wow, you're good. The addiction is waning and my need to be with him is becoming less than before.
Someone said to love yourself first. Don't be so clingy or needy. Oh and BTW the percentage of a married man leaving his wife and family for his other is rare.
Some just don't get it.
HE NEEDS HIS MOMMY. Or he truly still loves his wife and is playing games.
DUH!!! (the duh was meant for me. See how easy it is when we learn to like ourselves and DON'T NEED HIM. Rather we may enjoy, but the addiction must be resolved and replaced with someone who IS SINGLE and giving.
Thanks

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written by SF8 , 25 April, 2008

SF8 stands for Stupid for 8 years. I have been having an affair with a man for 8 years. He was my first boyfriend, first kiss, first lover - all the firsts in high school. We were so in love and were supposed to get married after HS, but I decided college was a better answer for me.We broke up.He contacted me in 2000 & it was like all those years collapsed. One tragedy after another has happened including my divorce & my ex contacting his wife 6 weeks after the divorce to tell her about us (on Mother's Day at that!). Since then he has been scared to death of the wife. Well, I broke it off so many times in the last 8 yrs I can't even count. Frustration, anger, you name it the emotions have been like a volcano inside. He & I have loved deeply and there's no doubt with our history that it is real. The problem is I know he will never leave his wife, family, land, possessions, all that means so much more to him than I will ever mean to him. The thought of others finding out about us is a bit scary for him too. Oh yeah, his children were with their mom on Mother's Day when my narcissistic ex called her. I gave up everything for him and he left me in the cold. I will always love him, but I know there is no future as he will never leave. If you are having an affair or are holding out for that dreamy day when he will show up at the door with divorce papers in hand, get a reality check because it won't happen. I've lost more than I will ever be able to recover because of a very bad decision on my part. Be stronger than I ever was or could ever be with this man. It's tough love to walk away - but love you enough to do it.

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written by Hopeless , 29 April, 2008

I find myself in a hear wrenching situation... I have found a man that I love like no other in my life. We are both married. I have no children and will walk away without looking back. He has 3 children. One is the product of a prior marriage of his wife which he basically raised since the child was 3. The other 2 are his. One is 14 and the other is 12. Here is wear my pain is. His daughter has Special needs. She goes to school and does daily things but will never be able to live on her own or take care of herself. When he and I started out I was unaware of his daughter and immediately told myself that I needed to get out... but the connection that I feel with him just wont let me go. He told me that he was going to leave.. and that he will, but he doesn't want to look bad to his children which I completely understand. I know this man loves me. More than anything I know he does. We have been together almost a year now and recently his wife found out about us. He told her that there was no sexual relations between us and that we were just friends that grew into something more and that yes he did tell me that he loves me and told her that he would stop seeing me. To save himself from looking like a jerk to his children who are begging him not to leave. I know I need to walk away now but I can't... He tells me now that he is not ready to let me go and that he is still trying and that his biggest concern is his daughter. I think to myself that his biggest concern from the beginning was obviously his daughter and that he should have known that from the start. So why would he pretend to work it out with his wife so that he can later say it just didn't work? He tells me that he doesn't want them to think that he is leaving because of me... so.. I can understand that also. Do I give him time to "pretend" to try with his wife who hates what he does for a living etc and hope that he can leave later? Or do you think that his daughter will still be something that will hold him back? Do I wait till I can't take it anymore? My heart feels like its been torn from my chest as it is.. thought about going to counseling but afraid that they will tell me to let go too... UGH.. Hopeless

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written by Be strong , 01 May, 2008

It's little comfort when your heart is breaking and that horrible ache just won't go away, because he's no longer in your life.
You gave him a choice. It's either them or me. My MM chose them.

It's all about History. Consider the foundation that was been established over the years. Married before family and friends, struggling for their first house, the baby, then his boys want to play football; and you see how he adores his children. Birthdays, holidays, trimming the holiday tree, visiting parents, going on summer vacations and realized this woman I married does more than I could imagine. She car pools, takes the kids to sports, makes sure her cock pot has enough gravy, feeds and cares for the dog. Picks up his laundry, making sure the white shirts are boxed, and she has two more stops.

Its called HISTORY. When a husband and wife share years together even though he's sneaking out on her for some friendly fun; she knows that's not her perfume. Certainly that orange shade would never do as her lipstick. The entire time his wife watches her husband become distant.
It was then I realized he was still in love with her.
The lies and excuses were becoming unworthy of an intelligent woman.

I love my MM so much. I've never felt this way before. I can't live without him.
Much has been said about addiction and why this man gets under your skin.
It's easy. YOU want him there. You want him in your home playing house and pretending to be what you possibly can never obtain with a married man.
It's simple math. He belongs to another. And all those years add up to a foundation making him feel safe. Comfortable.
Yes, but you don't understand. I have never felt this way before.
He's wonderful to me and loves me.
Sure for the moment. You're his baby doll.

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written by Hopeless/Confused , 01 May, 2008

I understand... and this is horrible. He told me that next week he is going to talk to a lawyer and see what he needs to do. I know that monetarily he does not care what it will cost. I am willing to help him with whatever he needs as I work also. I am hopeful that he is going to a lawyer. He also has another job lined up making 3 times what he makes now. This job was just recently offered to him. He is not going to tell her about this job because he is going to still try to go thru with a divorce. He is going to keep in mind that if he leaves before the new job he will take care of them the best he can then when he has the new job he will be able to do better for them. I just hope that he has the courage to go thru with it from the start. He is a very strong man. He loves his kids more than anything. And does not want them to hate him. I understand that. And I told him that his kids will alway be his kids. And kids get over things like this. Again though.. because of his daughter with special needs it gets a little trickier. But with this new job he will be able to spend more time with them than he does now. I really don't know what to think. I guess since all this just happened, maybe I should give him a little time to see if/how he can get thru it? He said that if he knows in his heart he can't go thru with it that he would tell me. But how long do I wait? How long and when will I know? We still even after he was caught find ways to see each other. Also got him a phone on my plan so that we can still have contact. I saw him and still do see and talk to him more than his wife ever have. I know he loves and adores me. I guess its just a matter of seeing if he is really trying or if he is going to let things work out at home? UGH... maybe instead of hopeless I should call myself confused?????

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written by TooAshamed , 01 May, 2008

I have been with this guy for 8 years... we met while both married to others and we both still had kids at home... we spent as much time together as time allowed... sneaking away for an hour at a time...
Long story short... we both decided to wait the five years till the kids were grown and start life together. Well five years later I divorced my husband moved out and we picked out a home together... he still two more years with his youngest...
Well his youngest become age and went to college, his daughter (an adult) still living at home going to college.... He still stayed married until I told him I was no longer dating him... that I needed a relationship were the guy would spend the night with me... and not leave for home at 7 pm every night.... so I stared dating another guy... then he calls me up and tells me he asked his wife for an divorce... they divorced two years ago... I helped him find an apartment and I paid for the furnishings to furnish it furniture and kitchen ... he never even spent one night in it... every night he would go home to his ex-wives house (he gave her the house in the divorce)....
Well last year he gave up the apartment and I have everything from the apartment... he is still living at home with the ex wife and his adult daughter...
So December 31st S slept with him for the last time, and like clock work at 7 pm he went home....
I told him in January that I will have nothing more to do with him, and that his promises mean nothing to me, and that I need to heal to move forward...

I work two jobs and have a dog... so in the evenings he lets my dog out while I am at work... he also give me 100.00 every week... I need him to let the dog out because I cant keep her locked up for 16-17 hours a day several times a week... and I really need the money to live on... so I see him almost every day....
I rarely call him on his cell phone and I have nothing more to do with him romantically or otherwise... no more hanging out together and doing things that couples usually do...
I do my thing and he does his....
When I ask on occasion how he feels about this relationship (very difficult for me) as friends he says he misses the companionship... its very hard to try to stay friends and not want the relationship part of it... and every day I feel my love slowly slipping away...
I have begged him, cried, gotten angry, broke up with him many times, and even became verbally abusive towards him in the past... I wanted him to see how much he hurt with his lies, and deception... I told him that once my dog dies I never want him around again... my dog is old 9 years and has about 3-4 years left. I would never do anything to her... but I feel trapped... I even told him I am trapped... he simply goes home every night at 7 pm and doesn't even care he hurt me....
I have decided that God loves me because I can see very clearly now he is not the man I need to be with in my life... especially when he walks out on my emotions....
He has left me financially strapped... I bought this house for us and he knew I couldn't afford it myself... but I figured two years wasn't bad to wait... but now its been five years and I work two jobs...
I say get out... don't allow him to do to you what mine did to me.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am trapped by my own doing by believing in him... now I know the only person I can truly depend on is me....

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written by Hopeless/Confused , 01 May, 2008

How though? And.... now that all this just happened... I feel I should give it a little time. Its just... how do I stop torturing myself about it all day and night long. We are still just as close. We still see each other.. its a bit harder now but we find ways. He said he is going to see a lawyer next week to see where he stands. I guess I wait that out and see how he feels? The hard part is... I don't know when to tell myself I really should keep hope.. and when to say its never going to happen. And if I say that. How do you get over a broken heart like that? Today was the first day I ate anything in a week and it was a bowl of soup that I couldn't hold down.... My nerves are shot.... I know its just time.. time will tell if he is going to leave... I don't want to find myself waiting years... but I also don't want to stop fighting for him too soon...

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written by Hopeless/Confused , 02 May, 2008

IF only it was that easy to get out. I still feel hopeful. Last night he told me... "I know I could never say goodbye to you, ever.. I want you more than anything I've ever wanted in my life and I'm gonna do everything in my power to make you my wife.. I want that, I need that" How do you walk away from a man that is you feel is still truly trying... and when do you know he has stopped trying? I need to learn how to not feel so much pain all day long when I am not around him or talking to him.... Or knowing he is with her. I know they have a rocky marriage and have for years. The problem is she doesn't want to let him go and the kids don't want him to go either. How does he say he is just done? And how does he say it to his kids? So they know it will be ok?

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written by Lied To , 02 May, 2008

Your nerves are shot and you're living on the edge of his constant promises.
This addiction we all have had to break from and is not easy.
He says and you want it so badly you'll believe anything to have that peace
of mind that he does care.
Okay, there is a pattern you're not able to see just as I was unwilling to let my MM go; but I had to. Yes there is pain and suffering.
Addictions can be helped and replaced.
I know how you feel. He is the most wonderful man and you don't want to lose him. But, he has a wife and children. Look, all marriages aren't made in heaven and have difficulties.
Someone pointed this out to me. If he cheats on his wife he will more than likely cheat on you. I can attest to that. It's when you get so angry, will you be able to let him go. Then you will discover your self respect.
We've all been there.

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written by shoveling **** against the tid , 05 May, 2008

My MM and I were both married when we met 6 years ago. I left my husband right away as I didn't want to cheat and knew before I met the other guy that I wanted out - turned out to be quite the jerk. We did not have children. The MM told me that he was leaving too. He has 2 children - 1 in HS 1 in college. And we work for the same company. 2 years ago, he still hadn't left (saying he wanted to wait another 2 yrs for the kids to be out) and I met someone else - quite a bit younger than him (and me - the MM is 10 yrs older than me) and dumped him. After 2 months of him stalking me to find out who the other guy was (who I really liked and had a blast with) - and of him meeting up w/ me to cry relentlessly - he made me feel like the 4 yrs we were together (sounds crazy now) weren't enough of a chance for him to do the right thing. Anyway, I have spent the past 2 years going back & forth with him. He told me 2 months ago that he left and I got back together w/ him. Well it's a month ago today that he's been living back home. (I don't believe he ever left - I think his wife thinks he was away on business - although he claims that he left) he went back because the kid was "acting up" & she couldn't handle it. The problem here is that he's never spoken w/ a lawyer and never got an apartment (he just goes to hotels or stays w/ me) So now he's got 1 week to find an apartment and talk to a lawyer - I told him this and he agreed (I told him a few weeks ago)- however, he has a week left and neither has happened. On top of that, he has a friend coming to visit this week (just found this out today) & says oh, he'll help him find a more permanent residence. Who does that?? You're having your friend stay in the house w/ the (allegedly) estranged wife?? And you're leaving this week?? Nontheless, I'm afraid he's going to do another "fake" and get a hotel to placate me but not really commit. I have had friends and family fall in love, get married, have babies, etc... all in the time I have wasted w/ him. I want to have children (claims he only does if it's w/ me) and the clock is ticking. I plan to to dump him for good this weekend or when his week is up but I know it's going to be EXTREMELY hard - he is very good at making me feel bad and lost w/out him. I am in therapy now (of my own doing) because of this and I pray for the strength to follow thru & just cut it off for good. He always comes back w/ how could we live w/out each other?? Claims to be my best friend etc... well none of my other friends treat me like second fiddle. Tough part is - I need to work somewhere else - he has too much access to me there - tough because I've been there for 10yrs & have a great job so I really don't want to leave. Anyone's comments on this sordid ordeal would be welcome. As for my advice - Save yourself sister - that's what I'm trying to do.. good luck.

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written by Hopeless/Confused , 06 May, 2008

It hasn't even been a year yet for me and mine... so I am trying to still have hope. Sometimes I feel it is in vain though. How is your counseling helping you? Is it? I thought about it. I'm sure they will tell me to move on... But not sure that is what I want to hear yet. This is all so wearing. I cry all the time and don't sleep. I try to tell myself to give him more time and to just relax. Only time will tell... but how much time? He says he is going to go and talk to a lawyer in the next week or so... just to see what he is up against. I guess I just wait it out for a little to see if he follows thru???

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written by Shoveling * against the tide , 06 May, 2008

Hopeless/Confused: The counseling is tremendously helpful, I highly recommend it. The once a week doesn't seem like enough but it's very helpful. My counselor didn't tell me to move on - she's working w/ me to figure out why I'm putting up w/ this. (a lot to do w/ how I grew up & issues w/ my parents - go figure! at 36!) She doesn't tell me what to do necessarily. My honest advice to you being it hasn't been a year yet is get out while you can, before you waste more time and before the attachment gets stronger. If he wants to be with you bad enough, he will come after you as a SINGLE man - if not, don't take him back under any other circumstances. Believe me I did and always regret it. I know it's REALLY hard and believe me, I empathize with you. I second guess myself all the time that after 5.5 yrs maybe he hasn't had enough of a chance - now doesn't that sound ridiculous?? He told me today how stressed he is w/ work, etc.. & I said boo hoo - you have 'till next Wednesday to sign a lease. Whatever - part of me is very fed up & part of me is petrified to view my life w/out him. He keeps throwing the relationship I had w/ the younger guy in my face about how much that hurt him and he couldn't leave during that time cause he was so hurt. The only think I know is I never wanted to be with a MM and I still don't. We can keep talking - it feels great to have support from those who really understand!

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written by Shoveling * against the tide , 07 May, 2008

Too ashamed: My heart goes out to you. What a tough situation to be in. Maybe you can sell the house for a downgrade and then afford someone to take the dog out in the evenings. I'm sure you have looked into this, just trying to be helpful. I feel so bad that you still have to see him. I'm afraid to be in that situation because I have to see him at work. I hope you can rid yourself of his presence sooner than later and not at the expense of your beloved dog. I hope you find the happiness you deserve. And to everyone on here: We all deserve SO much better than what these guys are offering - I just hope we can recognize it (myself included!) My guy told me today he'll definitely be out by my deadline and asked me not to be so nasty about it (I'm pretty angry at this point) Meanwhile I'm just hoping I can see thru his BS if he tries to deceive me next week (which, all bets are on that he will) or that if he tells the truth I can actually believe him. Here's a question for everyone - my friend asked me the other day - What do you really want with this guy even if you get him for good - will you ever trust him? I've said enough so I'll answer later...

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written by Hopeless/Confused , 07 May, 2008

Shoveling.... Thank you and maybe counseling once a week would help. I guess it can't hurt. Maybe hearing myself say things out loud will open my eyes. This is the hardest thing I have ever been thru. I guess up till now I can see that my life has been pretty easy. This all just happened so fast with him. He says he is going to talk to that lawyer in the next week or so. I think I am going to give him names so that I can see if he really does follow thru with that first step... After that I guess its just a matter of seeing if the lawyer scares him or if he feels better about leaving. I know I know.. I am still holding on. I set a goal for him in my mind. I feel that by the end of the summer if he hasn't made any effort that I will move on. Remind me of that when I am still on here in Now/Dec that it is the end of the summer... ugh....
How do we get ourselves into these things?

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written by Lied To , 07 May, 2008

Shoveling against the tide. THANK YOU. Yes, I feel this same way.
I loved him and never felt so adored and loved. His tenderness kept me interested in that his ability to provide me with intimacy was the perfect ingredient for a sensual delicious affair. I still think of him, but not as much.

It hurts like hell. And I love him and I hate him at the same time. :-
Recently I found another (unmarried) man who is my age and is getting over the loss of his wife who died of cancer. So he says.

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written by Shoveling * against the tide , 08 May, 2008

Hopeless/Confused: Wow - I found myself looking thru the newspaper, online, etc... for apartments for this guy then I realized that it was no different than taking my mother (many yrs ago & she's still not sober) to AA meetings - the bottom line is: if they really want it they will do it themselves. So I aborted my apartment search and he's on his own. He has 5 days left and still hasn't started. He's asking me if I could just be "normal" & not so angry until his deadline. I fear he's not taking me seriously and I will have to dump him in 5 days. Maybe he's testing me or maybe he'll come thru - we'll see. It's a pretty uncomfortable place for me though - to be anticipating that he won't do it and yet hear him promise that he will.

Lied To: I too have never felt so adored and loved but as my counselor put it - I'm still not getting the whole package. He is definitely the first man I ever truly loved - I was always afraid I couldn't. Go figure I choose to finally fall for the one who is unavailable (now there's a discussion for counseling) You really hit the nail on the head in your earlier post that - you're (our) nerves are shot and we're constantly living on the edge of these promises. I think we're too afraid to let go and have them say "I was gonna do it & you blew it" - which, btw, this guy said to me several times but YET - he still lives at home!!!

I haven't fully experienced the hurt yet because it's not over - my counselor indicated that I try to avoid facing the hurt by 1. continuing to go back out w/ the younger guy (who usually ends up making the MM seem more appealing) and 2. by continuing to take him back. This time - after next Wed. I hope to say goodbye (if he doesn't come thru) and face the pain. I'm not 100% sure I know how. A good friend lives in sunny Florida and she offered me a week's stay afterward so I might have to take her up on that. I hate how confusing this all is.

I want to say how wonderful and hopeful it is to hear that you met someone else - your own age, (that's what I'm hoping for) who is unmarried! It's a shame these relationships make us so cynical - but I believe stronger as well. I wish you the best of luck!

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written by Lied To , 10 May, 2008

Shoveling: There seems to be a pattern with women in need of a loving relationship and I'm wondering if we are looking for the daddy that let us down so many times by being verbally or physically abusive.
I experienced both.
When I found my MM it was like a stupid fairy tale; yet it was not stupid, rather it was rich with sensual moments. He taught me how to love. Or was it lust?

Is this why we become so addictive because our fathers have let us down. Okay we are grown women and should be able to move on. Not necessarily.
One thing I did learn in group therapy we get stuck in our childhood and don't know how to find maturity. Unless we go back and talk out the horrors and finally discover we are powerful within our own self.
I don't need this MM anymore. I have me and me is pretty damn happy right now.

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written by Shoveling * against the tide , 13 May, 2008

Lied To: I agree with you regarding the pattern. In counseling I have learned that as adults we try (and by we I mean not just "us") to resolve issues from our childhood thru adult situations. For example, I have discussed that I want so badly to "create" the happy family that I felt I sorta had growing up and make it perfect now. The problem is that attempting to do that with the MM is like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. It becomes more confusing for me because he is promising me exactly what I've always wanted and never felt I had a shot at w/ someone in the past. I guess I'm scared that if I let him go I lose that shot but on a more conscious level I know that I should be able to find that w/ someone who is not a MM. So yes, I am looking for that loving relationship from both parents who let me down so many times and made me feel (as a child) responsible for their dysfunction. My counselor advised that once I really deal w/ the pain from my childhood (which I thought I had let go of at this point) I won't need the MM and she suggested that it's difficult to let him go because that would mean having to deal w/ this pain that I have apparently been very adept at avoiding. I asked her if there are any mental exercises I could to do expedite this but she said no, I just need to keep coming and talking it out. So you're right on! I truly am so happy for you that you don't need him anymore and can find happiness for yourself. I also greatly appreciate that you still take the time to come on here even though you're moving past the situation. I, apparently like you, am not looking for company in misery here - I want to find a way out and your words are encouraging.
Hopeless/Confused: Just wanted to add that all of your words sound so familiar to me. I too have set deadline after deadline only for him to come back w/ some other situation/excuse as to why he hasn't done anything yet. I will definitely remind you after the summer but I do hope for you that he does the right thing!! I have asked the MM over and over to just tell me if he can't do it but he won't. I could take that as hope or (and more likely) that he, for whatever reason, is just not capable of breaking that attachment - which would be fine if he'd just let me go. As to how we get ourselves into these things - see above

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written by Shoveling * against the tide , 13 May, 2008

My update: Well, I've gone back to school for my Masters (sick of putting my goals on hold for him) and now I'm so stressed that I'm not taking any summer classes in the hopes that by the fall I have moved past this and can really focus - this semester (especially the end) has been a tremendous struggle to say the least. The coursework is challenging on a good day - never mind when you're emotionally spent. I'm very disappointed that this is once again interfering w/ what I want for myself.
Well, it's Monday and the MM claims to be out looking for a permanent residence today or tomorrow in order to produce proof (in a lease) that he is truly ending his other relationship. I'm doubtful that he's going to succeed so on Wednesday I will tell him that I cannot have any further communication with him unless he's done. I really think he's testing me (the nerve!) to see if I end up going back to the younger (unmarried guy) from the past. He uses that as an excuse not to do what he should. So, I'm not giving him any excuses. I'll be sure to let you know what happens. Every day I question myself about drawing the hard line here but I just keep reminding myself that I control what happens to me - not him or his wife. Oh, btw, just wanted to share: at one point in the past he actually told me that he was waiting for his wife to kick him out (as opposed to just leaving). lol! Anyway, I wish you all a happy & stress free week!

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written by Lied To , 13 May, 2008

Shoveling...... I too notice how patient we are as women: we wait and wait and wait and wait for what? To be disappointed time and time again.
Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus. Let's allow the men to do the chasing. It's amazing how panicky they become when we ignore then for a week maybe even two. Be strong and make it a month.

SILENCE!
No not the silent treatment where women manipulate men, rather just remain out of his life for a while and see how important you are to him.

Nope, don't answer your phone if you have caller I.D. your door, nor return e-mails. You say, but I couldn't do this. Oh but it is amazingly powerful when YOU are in control.
This is not to hurt or injure even though he'll beg and the sex is AWESOME, it is important to find a place in which we find respect within ourself.
Yes, therapy is amazingly and it was a combination of pain and growth. Without pain we cannot mature. But it does get better. Okay, I'm older and many are you are saying, I cannot do without sex with my MM for even a day.
Sure you can and you must get rid of this jerk who is cheating on his wife.

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written by Hopeless/Confused , 15 May, 2008

Shoveling? How are you??? Has he found a place?

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written by Shoveling * against the tide , 16 May, 2008

Hopeless/Confused: Thanks for asking! No, he has not. I lost my patience before Wednesday and told him that if he really loved me he would leave me alone, go take care of his business and not call me again 'till he's done because I want out of this craziness (which is all his - without him my life is not crazy). He agreed and said that he will go take care of it and I should, and I quote, "not do anything stupid" while he does (he's referring to getting involved w/ the younger guy again). Unbelievable, huh? So for him, in this scenario, nothings changed and he just bought himself a huge chunk of time and I'm supposed to sit here and "be a good girl" - give me a break! Nonetheless, he has called me every day and I'm just angrier and angrier - he specifically calls late at night (I'm sure to reassure himself that I don't have the younger guy over) So far, he has not done a thing - never secured a place (even though on Sunday he swore he would) He has called me every day to say that he misses me and I just ask him to stop calling. Last night he said that he told the wife for the first time that he wants a divorce. And this is supposed to make me happy?? He's told me many times in the past that he said those words to her so obviously he lied!! I never know what to believe but I know he is trying to suck me back into his crap w/ out being right and I refuse. He asks me every time if I love him still - how am I supposed to feel love when I'm so incredibly angry. I'm truly hurt and disgusted yet it's still hard not to believe him when he says he's doing it. I think he's very selfish for trying to keep me hanging on like that. I left my ex husband in one night - if you want to leave you leave and that's it. He keeps saying that he has his kids involved (the youngest is 1and I think it's BS. So now I'm trying to relax and get my head right. Not easy after all this and with him still calling. It feels impossible to get away from him!

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written by Shoveling * against the tide , 16 May, 2008

Lied To: I totally agree that they should be doing the chasing! Now I'm so mad (see previous post) that I don't know what I want anymore. He actually asked if I still want him to do this. I told him that if he wants to leave his wife he should (not for me) and if he doesn't he should stay. It's obviously his insecurity that's holding him back because he clearly doesn't want to lose her if there's a risk of me not being here for him. I think that's a chance he's got to take! He said "don't make me go thru this if in the end you're not going to be there for me, that would be devastating" - in that, this coward is trying to make this whole charade my responsiblity! Do you all agree?

As for the sex, I don't feel that I cannot do w/ out the sex. First of all, if I really wanted that I could go to the younger guy and he's not a MM. Sex is definitely not what's holding me here. I think it's the illusive promise of this fantasy world we've created together of "what it's gonna be like" - but it doesn't exist, never did and doesn't show the promise of coming to fruition. I'm trying to move on but feel I have not gotten far enough away from this.

When he made his conditions that I hang in there (in the above post) - I just said fine even though I feel that I'm the single person and should be free to do as I choose -he has no right until he's single and we're in an exclusive relationship (if that ever happens). Oh, he said - if you decide to see someone else just send me an email and let me know... So he claims he's seeking a lawyer and a place to live but yet put this condition in there - if he truly wanted to leave, what difference would it make?? I know he'd want me to be there but... come on?? Part of me feels like this is some kind of sick test for me to see if I go w/ the younger guy again or not so then he can blame me for not leaving. This has happened in the past but he always comes back and I took him (which will never happen again!) What do you girls think? I also thought about just telling him - I'm going to live my life, I'm not waiting around but if I'm available when you're single then we can talk. Again - opinions? I feel that this is the only way I can get some temporary closure to try to extricate myself from this madness - I certainly don't want him calling me w/ the play-by-play because as far as I'm concerned (and I told him this) - until he has a legal separation agreement -we have no business talking. A lease is not good enough for me anymore. Thank you both so VERY much for your support!! It really helps to be able to vent on here!

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written by Shoveling * against the tide , 16 May, 2008

Sorry for the novel - one last comment I forgot to add. Should MM stand for Married Man or Master Manipulator?? Lol!

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written by Lied To , 17 May, 2008

Shoveling......... Married Man or Master Manipulator?? LOL I would say both. When I joined group therapy some time ago there was a need to connect with those who could understand.
Love is such a powerful ingredient we need in our lives. Nobody wants to be lonely, nor do we want to be made a fool of either. Yet there is that overwhelming need to be with the love of your life and nobody should tell you what to do. When I was with my MM life was magic. We were very much in love. Well so I thought. Yes, I am going to leave my wife and we'll get married. Promises, love, confusion, heartache and oh, by the way I cannot leave my wife. I could not do that to my boys. Don't ya just it?!?
It was then, when the anger seeped in and I realized what the hell am I doing wasting my time on someone who does not value me as a person.
Unless we are precious in their sight don't waste your time.

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written by Hopeless/confused , 22 May, 2008

Hey Shoveling... I feel your frustrations... trust me, as I know all of the women on here do. He does have a lot of nerve though. And I can tell you are a smart woman. You see right thru it. You know he is saying things and checking up on you. Its obvious. And how are you to believe he actually said divorce to her?? He could be telling you that to bide more time... now he will tell you that she is fighting it and wants to try.. and there is another 5 months... then it will be she said she is going to change... then she doesn't... its all a big game. But how do we let go? Mine tells me that he is going to when he makes it apparent to his kids that he has tried everything in his power to make it work. I see the texts that she sends him and he really is doing nothing on his end to fix things with her... he is just letting herself dig herself into a hole, so that does make me feel better. But its just a matter of how long to wait. I am going to try to wait it out thru the summer. I am going to divorce by the end of summer also so then it will be up to him.. and I won't... or at least I will tell you not to let me.. ha... wait longer than that!! Save this email for me so you can show it to me in Dec!! ha. Hope you are doing well... Big hugs... I need to get mad... and I'm not at that point yet. Guess we'll see where things go!

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written by Lied To , 23 May, 2008

hopeless/confused. The title of this conversation is Truth about Deception.
Men lie and they lie convincingly. Now for the men who are NOT jerks, I take my hat off to you. Those who are loving and committed in a marriage that is not perfect, but can be helped.

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written by Lied To , 25 May, 2008

To Hopeless/confused.

I need to get mad... and I'm not at that point yet.

This is your life and nobody has the right to tell you what to do.
It took me a while before I realized it was more about HIM then it could EVER be about US.
I watched him lie and swallowed.
. . . but I love him so much.

Again and again his wife always had his attention. I am convinced some men are little boys and want to be mothered and loved.
They enjoy the lush sex from us and it's always the same old story.

"It's not a good time to break up my marriage."
"My kids didn't ask to be born."
"I could never do this to my wife. She's been through so much in her childhood."
Give me a break. Where do we fit into the scheme of things?
Yes, I know. He's the only man in the world who makes you feel so wonderfully alive and sexy. The sex is beyond magic.

But, what ever happened to MY self respect?
How the hell did I get into this mess?
And they promise and promise and continue to promise as our
legs are open for them over and over again. They don't have to
leave their wives. They have it both ways are making fools of us/me.

One day the anger will come and you shall find a sense of freedom from
the man you thought you loved.
It's all about addiction.
As an abused child survivor I know in my heart of hearts we continue to look for that daddy in the worst kinds of men.
My therapist explained it this way. We seek out what is familiar not what is good for us. Subtle and charming there is a need to be loved and love.

Blessing to you and it does take time to realize this is a NO WIN situation for most of us. You're a smart lady, and it's not about intelligence as much as we thrive on being dotted over and loved and the sex is absolutely the best I've ever experienced. How do I become angry? Look ahead ~ picture yourself in ten years. Okay how about two years.
I was about to move to England with the knowledge he would never leave her.
Yes, we are in need of love and some men just know charm and make us wilt.

Then when the anger began, he no longer held any interest.
He seemed so terribly hurt when I had to tell him, "I cannot do this any more."
His emails, phone calls became desperate until I refused to answer them.

Somehow, he didn't seem all that attractive after I regained my self confidence and respect. It's a wonderful feeling to be rid of him.

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written by me , 28 May, 2008

I just binned a MM. If he wants me, he knows where I am. I am stronger than he is both mentally and emotionally. In fact, he is a coward and hasn't got a back bone. cheap sex? I can do without it. Maybe I should have been a man myself.... question is... just who was playing who?

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written by Hopeless/ confused , 28 May, 2008

Lied to.... thank you... and I do hear what you are saying. But when you first started with him... would it have been that easy to walk? I just find myself saying that I will wait it out till the end of summer... and hope that I am strong enough to call it quits if things don't happen by then. Its so hard. I know you know... its all still so fresh for me too which makes walking harder. How long ago did you walk away from yours?

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written by Complicated , 29 May, 2008

Hi everybody, I'm new around here. Seem to be going through the same things you all are going through. I have been actually living with mm for almost 2 years, wife is in a different state but she didn't know about me, just thought he was by himself running a business. He recently lost the business and had to move back to his home state. He just this last week flew to my state to see me and she found out about it. Right now as i type this they are taking about all of it. We are very much so in love and i know he wants to be with me but has been financially ruined by the loss of his business. I'm sure he can't leave right now because if his situation. He never lied to me about her and he also said for the longest time that he would never leave her. Now he says he would like to be with me. He will call today and i will find out what happened with their talk and I'm sure he will tell me that he can't leave right now because of finances, my question is...If he still wants to continue a relationship with me(and I'm sure he will) what do i do? And what do I say, do I make this call today the last phone call. I'm really struggling with this so any input would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all and I'm sorry about what everybody is going through, I know with time we will all be happy again.

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written by Lied To , 29 May, 2008

Hopeless/confused it's all so complicated when we're desperately in love and right now you are in the eye of the hurricane. What I mean is you are not able to see his power over you, any more than I could with my MM.

Our love was pure and perfect. He was the love of my life (so I believed.)
As any addiction he was destructive with a smile and a charming English accent. I was drooling each time we spoke on the phone. All the lies, deception didn't seem to matter.
I was so much in love. He promised to marry me when the boys were on their own. Little by little his story continued to change and it was one night when I looked in the mirror at the biggest fool ever. He had his wife's love and mine as well.
I was editing his work for 2 years and by the third year I had to relinquish any business dealings with him.
Slowly I found myself needing to cut off all ties.
I blocked his e-mail.
Also would not answer my phone with caller I.D.
He came to N.Y for a business deal and showed up at my door begging for me to speak with him. He lost weight, said he could not sleep at night and was in tears for me to resume our relationship.
"Just give me more time."
We talked in my living room for almost ten minutes.

Yes, he loved me. HA! How about he was in LUST with me.
"If you truly care for me divorce her and marry me NOW."
I could see the anger rising in him.
"You know I cannot."
"WRONG, you choose not to."
Then he really became angry.

I just smiled and told him NEVER come to me again. How I was unfaithful to my wonderful husband and that I did meet a man who lost his wife to cancer..
Somehow the sound of another man in the picture made him back peddle.

"Give me some more time."
What a jerk with a luscious English accent.

When did I know? I believe I knew all along. It's hard to say goodbye to someone who wants to be so loving and caring.

Again, it's all about addiction and how we are taken in because we choose to love back. This does not make us bad people.
There are many couples who continue having an affair for years and are perfectly happy. That's because she the mistress is not demanding and willing to swallow and accept him for who he is and is satisfied. She realizes he'll never leave his wife. Very few do.

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written by Lied To , 30 May, 2008

Welcome, Complicated.
Only you can decide what shall happen to make you happy.
However, I see some hot buttons I want to mention and ask you about.

Most men in their attempt to hold onto their wife and mistress will lie like hell.
First of all regarding his business failing; have you seen the numbers and work in his office to know what is happening? NO, I'm not talking about he told you so. You should have proof.
You lived with him for two years and he's moving back home?
I'm not getting why he must return to his home state to gain access to getting a job, when he's established there.

How do you know for sure he is talking to his wife about you?
You are sure he cannot leave his home state and he has never lied to you.

This is the hardest thing to swallow when you know he's lying, has lied and will continue to lie.

I know you are very much in love. And he will promise you and provide you with all the words you ache to hear.
I've been there in your shoes and adored him so much.

Do be careful. Of course you are struggling because it's difficult to know you're not #one in his eyes, or he's be living with you.

I don't know how to help you. Other than to suggest you need a long break from him and see if he's still interested or married.

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written by hu7668 , 30 May, 2008

I have read this blog and many others on this site, let me tell you ladies this is not all a man thing. I am a MM that just ended a 3+ year affair with a MW. I will tell you she became my best friend and the love of my life. But once her husband got an idea of what was going on the "attachment" feelings kicked in and I ended up very hurt and strung out for months. She has a lot of issues in her marriage but the attachment to the family overrides everything. I finally had to say enough was enough yesterday. We had even talked about marriage and the future with our kids. It had gotten to that point. But it just ended up with me in pain.

I will say I don't regret the affair because I did meet someone I love very much. But I do now know that I wasted a lot of time and energy I should've put into my own marriage. But it is hard to WANT to put in the effort when you are lonely etc... in your marriage.

So for those of you that are in an affair or just starting one don't do it. Yes it feels WONDERFUL!!!! But it will not lead to anything worthwhile, statistics prove that out. One of you maybe willing to leave your family but the chances of both of you, very rare. Yes the love will still be there but the relationship can only grow so far. For me I wanted more and was willing to leave my family, she was not.

For those of you that are blaming people for seeing guys like me, take care of your own house before you blame anyone. I was happy in my marriage until changes in my marriage left me wanting and then I became open to an affair. Marriage needs constant attention to work, if you think that ring on your finger or promises mean anything you are living a dream. Love your man as you did when you first meet him or you will see him posting on a blog like this, or the woman he was involved with doing so.

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written by New life , 31 May, 2008

It has been the best of therapy for me to read all the posts. For a long time I convinced myself that nobody would understand, but reading all of your trials and challenges actually gives me hope. I have been there. Done that. I understand the stress, the sadness, the anger and the confusion in every single post.

It was encouraging to read from the earliest days seeing raw pain changing over to cautious hope towards the most recent entries. There was a time in my relationship with my MM that I was convinced I would not be able to live a present and happy life without him. My whole day was fixated on thoughts about him. When would I talk to him again? Was he with his wife? Was he sleeping on the couch like he said or was he sleeping in their bed? So many painful thoughts. His promises, his explanations.

I finally had no more strength for the emotional roller coaster and it has been exactly 3 weeks and 5 days since I told him that I could not be a leftover crumb on the floor anymore. I told him that I would stay away and that he could find me if he wanted to only if he chooses to leave his wife.

He says it's complicated. Oh really? How come it was very uncomplicated for me to sign my divorce papers? We were cheating on our partners for 5 years. I felt horrible and could not live two lives. It's not complicated to choose what you really want, so I told him that by his actions - he has already chosen. And it wasn't me he picked, he chose his wife.

I am still torn between hope and disgust. One moment I am hoping that he will just show up, telling me that I helped him make a decision to leave her, but I know that it will probably not happen. The next moment I am disgusted with him for lying and disrespecting me. How did I ever fall in to that trap?

Anyway, reading all the posts has been so helpful. I realize by what you all say that this is an addiction, and I have never thought of it this way. Thank you for helping me point that out. It feels empowering and encouraging. Now I know that healing can begin. Right in my heart.

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written by Lied To , 31 May, 2008

New Life, congratulations on your choice. It was not easy. We know.
Even I think back and wonder how I ever survived without him.

Yet there is an overwhelming sense of pride when we realize we can do it without him. It will still haunt you and eat at your soul for a while. That's what addictions do. They feed on us until we go back to our MM and then back into the same horrible reality of, HE DOESN'T LOVE ME.
Oh he loved me in his own way. Just not enough for my self respect.

Blessings your way.

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written by Lied To , 31 May, 2008

Hi hu7668,

You are unique and one of the few men who would consider marriage with your MW. I feel your pain and how fresh it is in your heart.
YOU are so right on. It did feel WONDERFUL because addictions usually do. Until I found this helpful blog, I wandered aimlessly in my thoughts without direction. I knew it was wrong, but he was so charming and his wife was so horrible.
HA!!! And I believed everything he said.
You are a survivor of this addiction. How difficult and yet so important in that your freedom shall provide you with find a newness with your wife.
YES, YES, YES, go back and recall why you first fell in love.

...
written by stubborn , 26 June, 2008

I am in love with a married man. Over 13 months. He loves me... says our "beings" are as one. He sings to me. He adores me. Says I make him feel alive. He is also my boss. And his wife says she will publicly humiliate him... take him down... me down... she has threatened my life... she and I used to be friends. I have asked him to make THE DECISION 2 other times... each time... he says... he can't leave her. It was even my New Year's Resolution to ask that hard question... and he tearfully admitted he can't leave her. We cried and could hardly let each other go. I had to call my counselor that night... I was hyperventilating... just so damn devastated. About 3 weeks later... he started to come by... call... loved me so much... didn't want to let me go... said "If I'm going to do it, then I need to do it." He started seeing his own counselor... key topics... "how to not live a life of regret. And how to take this gift of love... and not let it slip through his fingers..." He was turning towards me... on the path... I said ever so cautiously... I can do this if I think you are working your way to me... b/c I honestly thought in January... when I forced the decision that was it. As hard as it was. I was so hopeful when he made his way back to me... more hope than I had ever felt. I thought we can figure out the work thing... see each other secretly so he wouldn't be fired. Then... the bomb dropped... his wife heard a voicemail I left him... confronted me... him.... he threw me away. I was devastated. Did not speak to him for 9 weeks. I was broken... I loved him so much and he loved me. I could not understand why he would stay with her. She can be so cruel. But it was all b/c of the threat of his job, career, all he had worked for, his "station" in life. He threw me away. Then, he reconnected with me "I'm still in love with you." Oh my, this man, I love him. I did say, I can't do this. It is so hard for me mentally, emotionally. That he needs to let me go if he already knows, that he will NEVER leave her. Let me go. This is agony. I am awaiting his answer. I told him 2 weeks. Really think about it. I do not know how to deal with losing him again. Because this time, if he tells me no. I will KNOW. Even if he comes back to me in 2 weeks... 3 weeks... professing love. I will KNOW this is a cycle... and there really is no hope. And it makes me sad. My counselor says, be prepared for what he will say. I think I already know. But I am grateful for the 2 weeks of not knowing for sure. For now I can just fool myself into thinking, maybe he will turn to me again. Maybe there is hope.

...
written by mrs. tired , 29 June, 2008

Amazing... sounds exactly like my guy. He's the cook, the incredible father, the mediator, the provider and the maid. He does everything while his wife is conjuring up the next bag or shoes she wants to purchase. He complains about how materialistic she is and how she is always trying to make herself look good in front of others. My guys main excuse up until August was that he was waiting for his son to leave for college (they only have one child)... then his next excuse was that he's working on some business plans and wanted to wait 'til that money came in. Now his excuse is, that his plans are taking a while longer and being that he is an "entrepreneur" without health insurance, he needs to stay with her a while longer because he is using her insurance. "It is very important that he does this due to his family's medical history" (cancer having taken 2 of his siblings)... so basically I'm dating a married man that chooses to use his deceased siblings as an excuse to stay with his wife, and draw some sort of sympathy from me..except, I'm tired. I'M TIRED!!! I have woken up and I'm sick of it all... I am 18 years younger than him, am raising a child all on my own (from my very own failed marriage), and have wasted 3 years of my life that i will never get back with this person. I am still involved with him, although I am waiting to speak to him again in the next few days to break it off. I have attempted to do so once before, but obviously to no avail. I have even considered talking to his wife, because I figured she should know, and why allow him to get out of this with his fingers clean? But, that is not logical. I am hurt, yes, but why hurt someone else intentionally? She didn't make me sleep with her husband and fall in love with him. This is my fault, as well as his, not hers. So, after reading your blog, I have realized that I am not the only victim out there, and that this will not get better. I know that it is hard, but what makes you believe that you don't deserve to be the woman a man runs home to? or the woman that a man cleans the house for? you deserve more, and you should repeat that to yourself everyday. As for myself, I am preparing myself for the biggest heart break of my life, but I do so with faith and confidence. These men are not ours to begin with, so why allow ourselves to suffer for them? let's give them back and let them be someone else's headache. I don't know about you, but I am tired!!

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written by hu7668 , 01 July, 2008

This is the problem with an affair it has no where to grow. It can only go so far and pain to someone will happen, most times it will be the person we are having the affair with. Why because it is easiest choice, marriages are hard to end and most people can't do it. Let alone if there are kids involved.

We all know better but lust and love drives us to do things we shouldn't, but that is part of being human.

I will tell you the heart break is bad, mine went on for months. I still have bad days but it passes and life will go on. Just learn from the experience. I very much learned what I need to have in a partner to be happy or at least content.

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written by stubbon , 02 July, 2008

I feel so weak. I had said I would give him two weeks. TWO weeks. It has been 12 days and I haven't heard from him. So... I went out tonight... heard OUR SONG... left him a beautiful voice mail (work phone). DAMN. I just can't seem to withhold my feelings. I have this need to express them. Where do I put all these feelings of love if not to share them with him. When we were having our "affair" undiscovered by his wife... we would leave each other beautiful voicemails. It was our thing. Now... being totally cut off hurts. And I wonder if I will ever be strong enough NOT to be the OTHER woman. I have told him... this is not good for me... let me go if you know you will never leave her. I said really think about it and call me in two weeks. But truthfully... I am beginning to wonder if I am strong enough to "take" his answer. Because... I know... know... know he would have me on the side... loves me "you are the love of my life"... yet he has been unable... to this point... unable to "leave" his wife. His job is on the line. His kids. She is violent. So he goes to counseling every week... trying to "save" the marriage??? But loves me so much. How can he choose to live a life without me as his WIFE. I am heartbroken and feel like I am doomed to always feel this way. So broken. Because the man I love... and who loves me... will not choose to "jump." I guess in a way... I am different than the other people on this sit b/c he has NEVER told me he would leave his wife. But telling me how much he loves me, adores me... I translate that into how could he NOT choose to be with me?

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written by Lied To , 02 July, 2008

Hi Stubborn. We have all been in your shoes and my love was the most wonderful love I ever experienced with my MM.

I am heartbroken and feel like I am doomed to always feel this way. So broken.

There is hope. First recognize this as an addiction. The man of your dreams is living two lives. He, like my MM wanted his cake and eat it too.

In other words, don't complicate my life. Love me, tell me I'm wonderful. Just don't make me choose. Your MM expects a lot from you and wanna know something? you are aching inside for someone who is not worthy of you.

Do recognize what and why this addiction is so delicious.
I know you love him and my heart hurts for you.
Give yourself time. Don't leave anymore messages.

Consider this: Many relationships work wonderfully when the mistress loves her MM and does not demand anything in return.

The love is enormously gratifying and both are content. But she has to be willing not to expect him to leave home. EVER.

Does the wife ever find out? Who knows. Some live in this situation for years and find it comfortable for them.

Not every woman is willing to be so giving and liberal.
Blessing, and best of luck to you.
Claire

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written by film , 15 July, 2008

Wow, what amazes me about this site is how many people are in the same position. I have been seeing my MM for a year. I left my husband after only 2 months of seeing MM because I knew if I could love someone else so much then I didn't love my husband enough. I am not the sort of person to have an affair and i am not comfortable with what I'm doing at all. I know his wife and family and I just hate seeing them. I feel so guilty. But I love him with all my heart and I know he loves me. He comes from a single parent family and knows what growing up without a dad in the house is like. He says he doesn't want that for his kids. His youngest one is 14. He says when she is 18 he will leave. I so want to believe him. What should I do?

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written by addicted but lonely , 17 July, 2008

Just found this site and its lovely all the support you are giving each other, my situation is .... known this wonderful man for over 20 yrs, he was married but now divorced and living with his girlfriend of 3 yrs... i was married for 13 yrs... now getting divorced. we've never been close in the last 20 odd yrs, but started speaking to each other almost everyday for the last 10 months. We have been meeting up once every couple of weeks and sleeping together. He NEVER discusses his relationship with her, only once i heard him say that it wont last... that was 7 months ago... for all i know they might have split up!... I'm totally addicted to him. he's never told me how he feels about me, even tho he does compliment me all the time and said my husband was mad to let me go.. we had a row and I ended it when he let me down again... only for us to meet up again 2 weeks later and I'm hooked again....part of me thinks.. well its better than nothing at all.. its ok. I'll find someone new and give him up then... but i find myself not really wanting to look at other men.. I've told him I love him.. once.. but not going to make a fool of myself and say it again, unless i know he would feel the same... is it a hopeless relationship?

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written by Lied To , 23 July, 2008

Hi Film,

I love him.. once.. but not going to make a fool of myself and say it again, unless I know he would feel the same... is it a hopeless relationship?

I believe you already know what you should do and is it hopeless?
Okay let's look at your addiction. Once we break it there so a wonderful sense of freedom that comes letting him to go.

I know. You have never felt this way before and the guilt of knowing his family must be killing you.
Consider this: You divorced your husband for obvious reasons.
Is he willing to divorce his wife and marry you?

He has already stated he's from a single home and in so many words has given you his answer. There is no way he will leave his family, especially his children. So you are left with what?

The same thing I was left with a broken heat.
BUT, it need not be that way. Just realize he is your addiction and once
you no longer see him there is such a wonderful sense of pride in yourself,
he won't know what hit him.

Unless a woman is willing to be the lover of a MM and realize he will NEVER ever leave his wife and family ~ it is a no win situation.
There are many women who love their MM man so much they will give and give and give and continue to give in spite of their situation.
If he shows you love in return it's difficult to turn away.

If it is a one way deal where the woman is forever giving of herself and has
lost all self respect; it's time to get out and run like hell.
Seek counseling if necessary. Addictions come in various forms.
Wishing you all the best,
Claire

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written by Lied To , 23 July, 2008

Let me get it right.

Film you said,

My MM promised to marry me. Then he explained how his children did not ask to be born and could never leave them. They had children late in life and he would never hurt them. Oh, how nice. Don't hurt them, but it's okay to hurt me.
But he was so wonderful I kept overlooking his lies and finally I could not stand myself. That's when I realized I had an addiction.

When I did release him there was a terrific sense of self respect and understand how the addiction can take over your life.

I would look for signals such as your MM changing his story about leaving them. It's a circus and they have to be in control.

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written by ShouldHaveKnownBetter , 24 July, 2008

I want to thank you all for your courage and sharing your stories. I, like everyone else here, fell in love with a MM (26 years, 4 kids). I too am married (14 years, 3 kids), and I bought into all the mush and passion. When he started talking about "our future" and "wanting to be together", I believed him. The problem was, I started asking him to prove his words. His bottom line is that he "didn't know" if he could do it. Tonight, I gave him the ultimatum - give me something concrete to hang on to, or I'm done. He begged for time to think about it, and asked for a month. I gave it to him (stupid, I know.) The thing is, I know that at the end of the month, he will still not have made up his mind - in the end, he is weak and cowardly. I am building up my strength for saying "goodbye" at the end of that month (if I make it that far, which I might not) - this site has helped IMMENSELY. I know I'm not alone, and I know that the chances of him making a decision in our favor are slim to none. Thank you for your stories - they have strengthened my resolve.

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written by Moving On Now , 27 July, 2008

Well, what a real eye-opener it has been reading all your blogs. You think you're the only one, yet there are hundreds and thousands of us who have had their hearts ripped out by MM.

It is not even 4 days since my MM said to me "..I have to break our hearts....I just can't leave." WOW! That was bolt from the blue I tell you. No lead up, no warning. He has been totally resolute about leaving his wife for the last 3 months. He couldn't tell her, he was just going to do a runner. That just proves what a coward the man is. After 38 years of marriage, he was going to just leave her a letter.

Anyway, he is my whole life - but after reading all of this, I realize I have to move on now and try and get over him. The problem is that we work together. Our affair has lasted over 6 years. 6 of the most amazing years of my life. The bottom line is, he is attached to his wife. And he said he just couldn't do it to his boys ( who are both over 30!)

Basically, this final deadline I gave him loomed and he knew he had to let me go to get on with my life. And it IS easier for a man to destroy the other woman in his life, than destroy a wife who has done no wrong. He reckons she still doesn't know about us. WRONG!! You would have to be a complete fool not to know. But they don't communicate. She has let him get away with it, most likely petrified to confront him in case he left her. That's what he has been hoping for......a confrontation - which would have given him an excuse to walk out.

I love him to death, but feel so sorry for him. Because he is stuck in this stalemate situation with a woman he has no attraction for. They don't have any friends. They do have 38+years together though. So I guess he was never going to leave. He has nobody to talk to about this and that makes me so sad because I know he is hurting as much as I am. But at the end of the day, he must also be relieved. He's done it now. And all out dreams, our whole world has been shattered. His family is in tact, he will not have to go through the most terrible fall out - and in time, my heart will heal. But he will be left there, wondering if he made the right decision.

He is the most wonderful man I have ever met and the love I have for him in my heart and soul makes the pain even worse. I have no doubt whatsoever he loves me equally. The bottom line is though , that he just doesn't love me enough.

Having read all your stories, I have to thank all for making me see and realize that I am the most important one here. That I deserve better than to fall in love with a MM, no matter how wonderful he may be.

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written by Grown up , 27 July, 2008

MM lied (nothing unique there, huh?) when we met telling me he had been divorced for 5 years. I had been divorced for 6 years at the time.

One week shy of one year I received a phone call from his wife asking me to quit calling her husband I felt as if a ball bat had been taken to my knees. I also was treated to feeling incredibly stupid and embarrassed as a result.

I did not take his calls for several days and when I did finally speak with him he was, of course, full of remorse.

I am very remorseful that I chose to continue seeing him because of how I was affected. Several times throughout I ended it with much resolve to be done. This week I moved beyond the resolve to action and am done.

I am done for me. Selfish as it sounds I am sorry for the couple of wives who have posted in this conversation telling the "other woman" to back off.

I don't feel sorry for them.

If you choose to stay dependent financially on the individual you are married to then I think you are as weak as you believe your husband to be. There is no excuse for that in my book. I hope I never put financial security or material possessions above peace of mind and happiness. Life is too short and the things I accumulate here I certainly can't take with me when I go.

Don't get me wrong, I like nice things as much as most. But I don't have to have all I want right now and I am willing to work to attain what I'd like to have.

I raised four children for 10 years on my own and leaving my abusive marriage was the scariest thing I ever had to do. To my knowledge he did not cheat but the emotional, mental, and eventual physical abuse left me feeling cheated on regardless. (I felt cheated out of the life he promised me I could have when I married him.)

At the time I did not have a complete formal education and only menial job prospects. I could not justify staying in the marriage and teaching my daughters by my example that what they saw with their father and I was the best they could hope for, nor did I wish to allow my sons to be raised seeing that example of what a man is supposed to be. Right? Wrong? Each person has to gauge that based on their own situation. I do not regret leaving him. I feel strongly that the decision to leave was the best for them and for me.

As young adults all but one of my children have told me they were glad I left and they have grown into people I am very proud of who I believe are healthier emotionally than I am at this point.

My MM says he's staying for his kids. Good for him.

Guess when his daughter marries she'll look for a paycheck too, his son will expect to be one. For the sake of those kids I hope I am wrong.

For the sake of the two adults who have chosen to spend their lives in something they BOTH say they are miserable in, I truly hope you can find whatever peace of mind you need to exist in what you have.

His neighbor phoned me asking me to consider the kids!! Guess his secret was not such a big secret...

It would have been very easy to blame and react to this in a manner that is beneath me and would cause destruction in his life(punish him)when I got that call. Believe he'll do that to himself quite well and eventually I would have to make further amends to sleep with me. His comments, and the validation by his neighbor, of the reality of their relationship leads me to believe his wife will punish him very well without my help.

Blaming would be the easy way out to absolve myself of my part in this and hang onto the hurt. Further self destructive behavior I believe would be the result.

I wrote to him not having a clue if he'll read it or not, and not really caring. The letter tells him I forgive him and hope the best for his life. It was the first of the steps I needed to take to forgive myself.

Good news is I learned to google from this, I am not agonizing over the decision.I feel right about it. I had to call four of my closest friends and ask them to tell me out loud what I already knew but needed to hear anyway.

"Doing the right thing does not always feel good."

I am not discounting the heartache of anyone here and certainly not discounting my own feelings. Very little of my story is unique from any one else here who has been through it. I loved him, I love him right now but there is nothing to build on when so much deception (self and real) is involved.

If anything was or is real then he can call me if he's ever free to and we'll see if I am free.

In the meantime, I'm grieving.
Time will heal and I am worthy of being loved.

Maya Angelou says "Surviving is necessary, thriving is elegant".

Today I am choosing to live elegantly.

Best of luck to anyone out there who is caught in any part of the topic of discussion here. I wish you well on your journey.

...
written by What do I do part 1 , 01 August, 2008

I ran across this group by accident and have been reading all responses. I tried to think my situation was a bit unique but am coming to realize that it may not be as I see it.

I am married - 19 years now. I met my MM 2 years ago and we got together for a "fling" as we were both bored at home. Let me add that when I met him, he did NOT admit he was married, hid his ring, would not give me his cell number and did not live in the town he claimed. At first it didn't matter. We used each other for one purpose but soon we began to fall for each other. That lasted for a few months with us only seeing each other 5 times during that time. His wife found out, he went away, end of story. Three months later he starts communicating with me. Once every other week he'd let me know he was out there. I finally gave in and met him again in February 2007. Since that time, we have seen each other 2 - 3 times per week, whenever we can. He drives a semi so I go on the road with him for a week or so at a time and it's wonderful. It's our escape from reality and we can laugh, joke, disagree, cry, make future plans etc. Things start getting somber on that last day out because we both know we have to return to our normal lives - he owns a small trucking firm and I am married to a farmer and have 2 kids, ages 15 and 19.

In September WE decided that it would be a good idea to get an apartment in his home town. We could be together more often that way and not have to resort to sneaking around. I furnished the apartment and moved everything in on the 7th. October was wonderful - lots of road trips, but November through February was not so great. We knew we couldn't be together Thanksgiving so we planned our own. It got postponed because of someone else - not his wife. I put up a small Christmas tree and decorated it with special ornaments. I even wrapped several small gifts and placed them around the tree. He did not have one for me but didn't hesitate to tell me what he bought his wife (though honestly it was a joke). He didn't get me a birthday present or a Valentines Day present. I had already given enough and decided I was done giving to him. Still our relationship grew deeper. We became great friends as well as lovers and just enjoyed each others company. I never doubted his word, he gave me no reason to - though at times I noticed a few discrepancies on some things. Like his address and the addresses on the trucks. One day after meeting with him, I was stopped at a gas station, on the phone with him, and he drives by in the semi. He had told me he was going home. This was not on the way home. When I questioned him he said he had something to tell me but didn't want to do it over the phone, he wanted it done in person and NO it was not that bad. I dropped the subject, but my mind was reeling. We went out on the road a few days later and I asked him what was going on. He did not live in the same city we had the apartment in. He live 30 miles away. The entire time he let me believe that he was only miles away from me as I slept there alone. He explained what had happened (it was all true) and how they came to live where they did. He said it was bugging him for a long time not telling me and that he felt so much better now that I knew. He admitted he didn't know what I was going to do but he had a clear conscious.

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written by What do I do part 2 , 01 August, 2008

We still continued to see each other, still traveling all over, still loving each other and still dreaming of the day we'd be together. I have my doubts any of that will come true. I told him at the end of 2007 that I wanted things settled for both of us by the end of 2008. He agreed readily. I then thought about it for a while, knowing we both had a lot to do in that year and retracted my statement to the end of 2009. I would love to live the rest of my life with him, grow old with him, have our grandkids running around us..... BUT I'm not sure it will ever happen. He hasn't made false promises - though he has told falsehoods- he says that one day he wants us to be together. I haven't made any false promises to him. It will be just as hard to leave as it will be for him.

We've been caught 3 times now, once his wife even kicked him out. Three hours later he was back in the house telling me she begged and begged him to stay. I don't know what to believe. My gut tells me he begged her to stay but unless I ask her directly, I'll never know. She has total control over him. He can't go anywhere without her calling 40 times wanting to know exactly what he's doing and now makes weekly trips to the town our apartment is in to prevent him from seeing me. What makes me mad is that he doesn't stand up to her and say "hay I've got something to do, I'll be home later". He lets her run the show. At the same time, he bitches about her immaturity, personality etc. I truly believe he is staying because of the business - though there is not much equity in it - and she runs the office. I have enough money to pay off everything owed. Hmmmm in looking at this, maybe he does still want her. Maybe he enjoys his self imposed prison after all he did meet up with her right after serving a 10 year Federal sentence. I know this man like the back of my hand. I know he loves me as he rarely says those words and when he does say them to his wife, they are mechanical - something to keep her satisfied. With me, they are heartfelt and I know he's telling the truth. After reading this entire page, I once again asked him if he ever planned for us to be together. His answer was yes, he sees it happening. I had asked him never to tell me something that wasn't true so banking on his word (he's been very honest since we talked about where he lived) I tend to believe him. He is honest in saying he doesn't know how long it will be and to be honest myself, that really doesn't matter as I'm far from ready to leave what I have. We are issuing no ultimatums to each other.

I do have to add here that there are times when we make love - especially at the apartment, he jumps right up and is ready to leave within a half an hour. He gets nervous and jumpy and all of a sudden thoughts of everything that needs done start flowing through his head. I attribute that to him being in prison and not being able to do the things he felt he needed to do. Now when we are on the road, it's a different story. He is relaxed, takes his time with me, lays there and holds me until we both fall asleep. He does get hyper at times but will grab something to eat or start fidgeting with the CB etc. This is happening less and less as he becomes more comfortable with the concept of relaxing. I also need to point out that this man has never been touched - massaged. At first he fought it as he saw it as a sign of weakness but now he craves my light touches and has started learning how to give the same back. It's a slow process with him but I know it's because he's experiencing feeling and sensations that no one ever took the time to give to him before. Before he would not give back - he didn't know how. He is also slowly learning that. I also need to add that I have not slept with my husband or anyone else since he came back into my life. He says his wife has tried to initiate sex but that he can't perform. I can't prove or disprove him so I have to take him for his word.

So - after boring you all with this long saga of my life - what advice do you have for me. Am I going about this wrong? I haven't put my life on hold for him though I will admit that I wake up every day hoping for those words that we are hitting the road again. Soon I'll be returning to work and the road trips will cease. Will it be the end of us or are we already doomed? Please, please, please give me some advice here. I love this man with my entire being but I also love him enough to walk away if it's in our best interest.

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written by MOVE ON , 01 August, 2008

I AM A 31 YEAR OLD AND I AS WELL AM WITH A MARRIED 20 YEAR OLD YES I KNOW WHAT THE HELL I AM DOING WITH A 20 YEAR OLD IT WAS LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT. I REALLY LOVE HIM AND HE CLAIMS HE LOVES ME. I RECENTLY BROKE UP WITH HIM BECAUSE I SAW THEM TOGETHER AND I COULDN'T HANDLE IT KNOWING THAT I HAD JUST BEEN WITH HIM A COUPLE HOURS EARLIER AND NOW WE ACT LIKE STRANGERS. I STILL NEXT TO PHONE ALL DAY WAITING FOR HIM TO CALL. HE DOESN'T CALL BUT HIS BROTHER DOES ASKING ME HOW I AM DOING? AND SO ON, THE POINT IS YES IT HURTS LIKE CRAZY AND MY HEART IN BROKEN. BUT I HAVE TO MOVE ON.

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written by Lied To , 02 August, 2008

Years ago when I was in therapy, I discovered having an affair made up for an abusive father.

Sex was not involved, with my MM # 1 but it was an infatuation which could have easily led to the bedroom.
We are still looking for that man who will bring us happiness, make us whole.

It deals with addiction and our heart and how we want so much to hang on hoping against hope he will leave her.

BUT THEY NEVER DO.

Oh he will promise you. My MM did.

Then as the weeks went by his story changed. My sons didn't ask to be born. How could I possibly hurt four hearts. So that made me feel real fine.
What am I chopped liver?

Um........ yeah, just about.

This is when we become so sick and tired of his promises time and time again even though the INTIMACY is awesome.

When we find a MM and things begin to feel good and sexy; we should run like hell. It is also about lack of intimacy with our own marriage.

It kinda remind me of the PEPSI generation ~ if it feels good ~ just do it.

Don't blame yourselves for having a NEED to be loved.
AND YES THE SEX IS ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS.

As I have mentioned in other posts there are some women who love their MM
so much they resign themselves to the fact HE SHALL NEVER LEAVE HIS WIFE.
Many couples live this way for years.

But after a while when the holidays come around its lonely.
Christmas day he is opening gifts with HER and he need his children.......
New Year's Evening is spent by yourself or with friends.
Thanksgiving with your own family.

Consider your MM. It's all about history and being married before friends and family. Decorating the holiday tree, going on summer vacations, spending time with his wife when she has their baby. Picking out furniture for their new home. Having dinner with family and friends. Their favorite restaurant. History is the glue which keeps him tied to her apron strings.

Oh he will fool around and cheat and make your heart race when he calls you on the phone or leaves an E-Mail.

OUR MM wants his CAKE and EAT it too.

Here is a wonderful cure. Do discover HE is an addiction and do treat it as such.

So how do I stop feeling so horrible. When will the pain go away?

Love yourselves more than you love him.

There is a wonderful sense of respect and FREEDOM OF HIM which quickly becomes a major factor when you realize you don't need him.
He's a jerk.

But, he's not a jerk. And I still love him. What do I do?
Is he cheating on his wife? He's a jerk.
But it feels so wonderful and I have never felt this way in my life.
I can't leave him.

When I fell for MM #2 you would think I learned. It was so difficult. He was sexy and his English accent is amazingly charming. The thing is he told me his wife was........... I don't have enough room to share his disgruntled feelings.

Now I know better.
Who says his wife truly is this horrible?

I believed him.

Okay there are some women who are just impossible and drive a man into the arms of another.

The desire to be loved is so OVERWHELMING we are left feeling isolated,
injured, hurt, angry and all the feelings one has when disappointment hits.

ONCE AGAIN YOU ARE ADDICTED TO HIM.
We can help each other by reinforcing the need to slowly, carefully tell him it is over. It will hurt like hell. But consider your reward.

YOU will have your self respect and I know you miss him so much you would walk through fire if you could just have one more moment with this man you love.

How much is he willing to love you?
Will he leave her and his family for you?

My problem was being STUCK. We are nurturers. We collect puppy dogs with sad eyes and loving arms.

We need to be needed and I love it when we can walk away with our head held high knowing we did the right thing. The trick is staying away.

Block his email.
Don't take his calls.
Oh he will be on his knees begging you.

The addiction will happen all over again and it's very difficult I know.
I broke up with my MM about 5 times. Then I just stopped.
I was an emotional mess. Therapy was necessary.

Finally there is this wonderful feeling of hell I don't need him in my life to be complete and whole.

You know I still crave him like chocolate.
I have an alcoholic personality and found therapy to be amazingly helpful.
Sylvia is a lovely older woman with much wisdom. She got me through
so much.

Do share your hurts and pain. We can help.
I have so much respect and admiration for those struggling. One day
you shall wake and feel whole again.

Self respect out weighs lust.
If it were love he would be purchasing you a diamond and looking for a place to live.

Men cannot and usually never leave their home.
And you will notice it's never the right time.
When the kids grow up and get married.

Ah, but that is a bigger draw for him. Now he's a grandfather at 50-something and could never leave. The bond with his wife has become stronger.

Claire

...
written by kate xx , 03 August, 2008

Oh my god this site is unbelievable - you think your situation is unique only to find something like this and realize that there are so many other people going through the same sort of thing!

...
written by Lied To , 03 August, 2008

Hi Grown Up,

I raised four children for 10 years on my own and leaving my abusive marriage was the scariest thing I ever had to do. To my knowledge he did not cheat but the emotional, mental, and eventual physical abuse left me feeling cheated on regardless. (I felt cheated out of the life he promised me I could have when I married him.)

At the time I did not have a complete formal education and only menial job prospects.

YOU raised your children under duress and what's so wrong with menial jobs? It is an honest living. You can always get your H.S.
education on line if you choose. Taking a typing course can go a long way.

You were able to intelligently write your post and must know how to use a keyboard. I would hire you if I were a business looking for an honest person.

In the meantime, I'm grieving.
Time will heal and I am worthy of being loved.

Yes, It is a form of grieving and thanks so much for pointing that out.
You lost the love of your life.
There is something amazing when we do find our self respect; you have.

And you will fight for your children.
Be strong.
You have helped me in many ways. I think of my MM so many times.

My addiction is strong and I can recall the lush moments.

Blessings,
Claire

...
written by Deep Sigh , 04 August, 2008

Wow... here I go everyone. I am 44, been married 11 years, raised two of my own children alone for almost 12 years prior to this marriage. Two years into our marriage, fighting about his ex and his family not including me as part of their family. Time goes by, a lot of fighting... affection goes away. All these years, I finally became him. About a year or so ago, he told me the reason why he wouldn't give me affection - it was because of the fighting about his ex and his family in the earlier part of our marriage.

Ok... I always said that no matter how miserable I am, I will NEVER have an affair. I just don't believe in it and I never had an affair. Three years ago, I moved out. Three months after moving out, I moved back in, but nothing really changed in our marriage. Basically, sex was only once a month just to keep the peace in the house. About two months ago I finally made the decision to leave.

About the same time, I saw someone that I see monthly where I work. I've known him about year. He was always nice, never came on to me. Next thing I know we are having lunch the next day...two days later, we met at the park and spent a lovely four hours just talking. We could not believe the similarities in our marriages. It is like I am living his life and he's living mine. He would tell me things and I would tell him "stop! that is my life!"

My MM is everything I ever dreamed of. I know, it sounds like everyone else here. He meets me daily for lunch just to have coffee so we can see each other. He will come and spend time with me for hours on a Saturday. Even when she calls, he will talk to her in front of me.

Two incidents: about a month ago, he and his wife had a terrible fight that lasted for three days. He was so stressed by their fighting and yet having a relationship with me (at this time, we've been seeing each other a month and a half - we hadn't had sex yet), so I told him to make things work with his wife. He hates it when I say that.

One week with no communication. It totally killed me. Then, out of the blue he texted me and asked if I was ok. I responded - ok. He called me, we met the next day for lunch and told each other that this must have been a test because we really couldn't stop seeing each other.

Another month goes by. I'm Separated. MM and I seeing each other more and I'm loving it, of course. He started talking about future - I know all of this will take time. He tells me that he can't live the rest of his life the way he is. He started talking about buying her out, she really wants to live with her family... she even picked a fight with him out of the blue saying she already filed for a divorce. Then she comes back and says she is joking and laughs at him.

Ok... they are married 30 yrs. She doesn't work. He has even said, he doesn't know when because of what she'll do because of their many years together... But I understood and told him no pressure.

I reassure him that I'm be there for him. He and his wife are fighting again like cats and dogs. It seems that because of the stress of their fighting, he can't handle "us". Then about a week and a half ago, we met for lunch. He made a comment asking me not to talk about time. Well, I got super upset and asked if he was letting me go. He said it wasn't like that, but I didn't stay to listen. I was so hurt.

A couple of emails back and forth about what was said; a long email putting my feelings on the other side for him to understand what I was feeling. He finally answered my last email three days later. We met last week and cried together. I totally love this man. I have never shared anything so special in my entire life. It's as if we are both alive (like a lot of you said). I see his face when I close my eyes, I hear his voice...

He told me we are going to share all of the things we don't have in our lives and haven't had for years. He knows that I believe what he tells me and that I trust him. I haven't mentioned the future, but in his way he still talks about it but I don't elaborate on it.

I guess what I am trying to say...is that I cannot believe that I have gotten myself into this kind of situation only to read that there aren't any happy endings here. I know someone is going to get hurt and I am not happy about that. If he leaves her, he will have to take care of her financially, but he should if he leaves her - and we have talked about it.

I just wanted to put this out there. I already know what your responses will be...but deep in my heart I only hope that we will be together. But I do promise you this, I am not good at being the other woman. I will not be able to last as many of you out there. I don't know how you do it...

...
written by Lied To , 04 August, 2008

Hi Deep Sigh,

I already know what your responses will be... but deep in my heart I only hope that we will be together.

Oh honey. I hear how wonderful you feel. Don't be so sure what we shall say. YOU ARE IN LOVE.

This is the most delicious feeling when you have been deprived for so long.
Its wonderful and you are and should enjoy the rewards.

And you will discover like many of us it is pure and special and you are the ONLY couple in the world who could feel this way.
There is a need for intimacy you lacked in your marriage.
A man who showed you little love or compassion.

Sometimes we don't go after love. It is there and friendships become sweet and special.

Thanks for being brave. Not everyone can share intimate thoughts.

I know how if feels. To smell him, touch his face, look into his loving eyes, have him hold your hands.
There is something sweetly intimate when a couple examines their hands.
He is rugged and strong you are soft.
His hair, voice, the tone of his loving sighs. It is wonderfully exciting.

The way he walks. My MM had a limp. Somehow it made me want to hold him and keep him safe from his horrible wife.

Yes, I flew to England for a week and it was AWESOME.

When we became one, we moved heaven and earth. Our sensual moments became everything we lacked. That is when he became my addiction.
He promised to marry me. It was in our bed when he promised me.

Somehow I didn't see it coming. He was a coward and could not face her or lose the love of his sons.

I was destroyed. What a fool I had been.
Please don't ever believe we are here to confirm or degrade your actions.
We are here for you when things go bad and you need someone to share.

Only you can understand your needs. It is perfectly understandable why you are on to of the world. YOU love him and he loves you.
For the first time you feel special and needed.
Many couples remain in this situation for years.

Don't despair. Right now it is wonderful.
Your world is on fire and how dare I ever tell you what to do.

I think of my MM often. As I mentioned in an earlier post I crave him like
chocolate. But he won't leave her.

My hope is you shall have a future with a man who cherishes you.

Blessings,
Claire

...
written by Deep Sigh , 05 August, 2008

Claire, I think that is the most beautiful thing anyone has EVER said to me. YOU understand EXACTLY how I am feeling.

I saw him for lunch today... cute as a little boy because he does have a boyish quality about him. I just love his eyes, his face, his voice... you are soooo right. We were talking and out of the blue he asked me if I miss him. Caught me off guard a bit because first of all he never asks and I am ALWAYS telling him (just didn't yet when I saw him).

So, I don't know what that means.

I will keep you posted on my upcomings with him. Like I said, I totally appreciate your beautiful and kind and understanding words. Made me cry...

...
written by Lied To , 05 August, 2008

I don't want to make you cry ~ but I appreciate your kind words. )

So, I don't know what that means.

It means he loves you and misses you too.

YOU are one of the lucky ones who has someone who understand your needs and cares. Best Wishes.

Claire.

...
written by Lied To , 07 August, 2008

Hi New Life,

I am still torn between hope and disgust. One moment I am hoping that he will just show up, telling me that I helped him make a decision to leave her, but I know that it will probably not happen. The next moment I am disgusted with him for lying and disrespecting me. How did I ever fall in to that trap?

THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR STORY. IT HELPED ME WHEN I WAS WEAK.
It is called LIFE HAPPENS.

I am still addicted to MM #2.

If he showed up at my door with his divorce papers I'd be most cautious. Careful not to EVER get hurt again by such a liar.

When we are in the swing of love it is grand and NOTHING in the world matters.

You are an encouragement to me. Just last week I was tempted to call and just see how he was doing. We both know my reasons were designed to try for another shot at him. HE IS MY ADDICTION. Worse than chocolate.

Blessings,
Claire

...
written by Lied To , 08 August, 2008

Hi What do I do,

Let's start with some basic concerns. He spent time in prison. He lied about his wedding band, and many other situations which spells OUCH.

You breezed over the fact that he didn't purchase you a Christmas gift but did for his wife. Nor a birthday present or one on Valentine's day.
Hon, where do I begin?

May I share this. When you're on the road it is fantasy time.
When you come back to your Real world. things become gloomy.
Your apartment is a way you can to play house.

I hurt for you because he is a weak man. His wife may be intimidating.
Who knows what to believe?

I DO UNDERSTAND. My 2nd MM lied and lied and lied and you know what?
It didn't matter to me. Our intimacy outweighed all his deception and I didn't see it until I woke up the the fact he was using me.

I understand the SEX is DELICIOUS. ~ But is there a future with this man and your children? How can I help you?

I want to tell you it will be okay, but the deception is just overwhelming.
Deep in your heart ~ you have the answer.

Blessing to you ~ be strong.
Claire

...
written by Deep Sigh , 10 August, 2008

Claire? Are you out there? It's me, Deep Sigh... Another major fight with MM and his wife. When I saw him 2 days later, when I saw him, he did not reach for me, did not kiss me nor did he hug me but told me he wasn't ready to let me go. But I knew. Last night he sent me an email, and it started out "Yo girl..." He never does that, it's always "hi baby..." I texted him to please call me, he did a little bit later and I just knew something wasn't right.

After getting off of the phone, I cried like a baby and sent him my post that I posted here along with our comments back and forth to each other.

Here's what else I said:

Something is different. I don't know what I did but all I know is that I hurt. No touching yesterday when we met and no response to my arms being around you when I hugged you.

We just talked...no miss you, no love you...

BUT IT IS OK because I know this is just way too much for the both of us.

I don't want to feel like you have to make any more choices. All of the emotions that you have gone through with your wife and your fights with her just sadden me, because I am also getting hurt. Your wall goes up and I'm not close to you until you've thought about "us" for a couple of days, but I keep trying to understand. Your loyalty is with your wife. I am just a two month fling that made you feel good about yourself.

It's getting ready to rain...I hear the thunder. So...on that note...PLEASE DON'T HATE ME. I am almost sure that you will be relieved - you don't have to worry about me. I know I have said this before, but I will always love you and you will always have a special place in my heart. Always and Always... I'm letting go now... and yet hoping that I will hopefully be special somewhere in your heart... always and always...

Brown Eyed Girl

This is his response:

lisa my darling, I'm so sorry that i have saddened you and broken your heart, i can't seem to have any control on my emotions or my life for that matter, please don't hate me for all the sadness i've heaped on you, a beautiful person whom i adore, i'm guilty of making decisions based on sometimes daily emotions, which only confuse and make you cry, please forgive me my beg, i will only hurt you and others if i continue my cowardice... i can't see you to get my stuff... i can't .... i can't. i can't... if you want to leave it on your porch i will pick up when you say...because i'm crying more than i can stand and i can't take seeing you that soon in this way please.......................
i care too muchhhhhhhhhhhhh... your wrong though about a 2 month affair that makes me feel better, baby, that is NOT TRUE and can't be.... please don't forget me, i will never forget you, i'm sorry, i will hurt you no more... you may post this on your deep sigh if you like, they need to hear my confession of being a gutless idiot... i'm sorry, my mybeg i'm sorry...

Me now: beg is the abbreviation for brown eyed girl -that is what he calls/called me. (continue below

...
written by Deep Sigh , 10 August, 2008

Continued:

My response to him was this:

There is nothing wrong with a crying man. You have and will always have a beautiful heart. I have always told you that. It doesn't change now. I respect that about you...you do have feelings and you are right, I know you. In this short amount of time, I can feel your pain, your happiness and your love.

One thing I have to comment on, please...I know you love your wife and as you continuously tell me, it is about the years you have together. We knew this wasn't going to be easy. I love my husband. Please don't tell me my feelings are different than yours about my marriage because I chose to leave. You are not the only one who just loves his family. You aren't the only one confused with chaos. We love these people because they've been apart of our lives - 32 years or 12 year -, we've taken care of them, we've shared ups and downs, take the blame for everything that goes wrong - cripes! I can go on and on. The most important thing that is missing is togetherness ... happiness ... we exist and just accept that this is how we will live the rest of our lives.

Your wife has good qualities...My husband has good qualities. There is NO WRONG HERE...your decision isn't wrong. My decision isn't wrong.


Me again:
Needless to say, I am just sick. I feel empty. Deep Sigh...

...
written by Deep Sigh , 10 August, 2008

My first part is missing ... can you paste it prior to this one... because this doesn't make sense without the other... Thank you!

...
written by Lied To , 10 August, 2008

Deep sigh, I hear your pain dear girl.

It takes 2 sometimes 3 days for my post to be read and added.
DON'T believe I am not caring or concerned for your needs.

Something is different. I don't know what I did but all I know is that I hurt. No touching yesterday when we met and no response to my arms being around you when I hugged you. We just talked...no miss you, no love you...

He is experiencing what many of the MM go through. He is in a vacuum.
Fighting with his wife and trying to distance himself from you.

What is so very difficult is when we experience a dichotomy.
A separation of the one we desperately love.
It was wonderful. WHAT HAPPENED? ~ you ask.

Sweetie, life happens. It sounds cold but many times we are convinced we have him figured out and BAM we are hit with a shock.

One thing I would like to mention is your response to him looking like a little boy. This is the nurturing aspect of our lives to take on loving someone.

You have read the posts. WE have all been where you are with your MM.

We have all suffered. The main characteristic of many of the men is being a coward. Intimidated by their wives.
This is what I believe. He does love you. However he cannot face leaving his wife.

It HURTS like hell. Dear, do something for yourself.
Hon, you are addicted to him and my wish is for you to is to care
for yourself. It's difficult when the wound is fresh. But I hear your anger and frustration.
YOU had visions of being with him for a long time.
What did I do wrong?

You became involved with a MM. There are rewards and heartache also.
There is that horrible sense of loss you cannot seem to rid from your soul.

Time, get involved with friends and do know he is not capable of having a relationship with a MW.
I am so very sorry. What can one say but to encourage. The men are so very predictable.

There are different stages in this process. It is like having cancer.
BTW I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a mastectomy in May.

I AM CANCER FREE. Thank God. But I went through these stages and the same may apply to women who are dying inside.

There is:
Denial
Anger
Rage
Hopelessness
Coming to grips with our situation.
Healing in our soul.

Blessings to you and KNOW you can find happiness.
Be good to your self.

Claire

...
written by Deep Sigh , 12 August, 2008

Claire, you have been such a good support. I can't thank you enough for being there for me. My girlfriend thought I met him for lunch today. As soon as I got back she asked where I was. I told her that I did NOT go to D&D. She thought I went there because that is where we always meet. During one of our breakups, she saw me there crying and waiting for him...hoping he would show.

But I didn't do that today.

I do hope that he misses me. You are right, tho, I need to come to grips with this situation and that I do deserve more than this. Healing...WOW! Although I know I need to heal, it hurts terribly.

By thw way, I am very happy to hear that you are Cancer FREE!!! I will keep you in my prayers.

I don't know if I will here from my MM...it's stupid that I wish he would want me so much...but I know it won't happen. Like my friend told me today...she said that when and if he decides, I will have moved on because I won't wait.

I am afraid she is right.

Please keep in touch...

...
written by Lied To , 12 August, 2008

Deep Sigh,

Sweetie I continue to miss my MM. Even though I have been through hell and back there is that sense of MAYBE ~ just maybe he will change his mind.

I crave him like chocolate. BTW, you are not stupid to have deep feelings.
It's okay to hurt. Allow yourself to heal and find peace knowing you have done the right thing for yourself.

I spent some time reading some of the posts I read when I first came here.
What is happening to our society where there is such a draw and deep passion with a married man?

Okay, something tells me as women we want to be cherished and loved.
That is a good thing.

Many of us (including me) are drawn to the BAD BOY.
Hey, if he's cheating on his wife he's not a saint.
No, I am not being a purist; it's just so sad.
Sad, I continue to crave him.

Okay, Claire, DUH!!!! He's an addiction.
What do we do with addictions?
Replace him with something healthy and sane with good morals who will
treat you with respect the way we deserve.

DON'T EVER ~ ever settle for less.

.......... but you don't understand. We are in love.

Is it really love when you wait, and continue to wait?
Taking crumbs because his days belong to his family.
Notice how he turns a different shade when you mention his wife.

He will protect her. Love her. NEVER leave her.
So why do we screw around with these men knowing they will cause us such
anguish?

What is the LURE? Is it forbidden fruit that is so HOT and delicious?
I read so much pain and heartache. So much to take in account to think
then jump into bed.

Don't ever think I have arrived or have all the answers. Truly I don't.
As an editor, I see words and understand how to place them.

Thanks for your prayers and am so grateful I am whole.
My dear husband is deathly ill. The doctors give him maybe a month.
So I spend my days caring for the man I married 45 years ago.

He deserves that form me.

Blessings, Claire

...
written by Claire (Lied to) , 12 August, 2008

I found this post and had to share it with you.
Somehow it describes why and how we are sucked
into situations we normally would warn our best friends to avoid the MM.

I could see myself and wonder how in hell could I fall for such a jerk.

http://ezinearticles.com/?The-Seduction-of-a-Married-Man&id=6846

Claire

...
written by Deep Sigh , 12 August, 2008

Claire, I am sorry to hear about your husband.

Hmmmm...My MM gave me a book to read - Crazy Love, God is Love. I read it and found to be very ok with who I am. My relationship with God could be better and I intend on working on it...but I wonder if this book is really for him.

I sent him a couple of emails about what I thought and learned about myself. He responded by asking if I have a Bible and said that I am starving for spiritual life. I didn't respond to that email. He sent that late Sunday night.

Last night I sent him an email telling him I got my new tattoo - a new dragonfly and the words Brown Eyed Girl - because I always told him I was going to have it done. By the way, I am soooo thrilled, it looks beautiful!!! I loved it when he called me "brown eyed girl" so it means A LOT to me...and no matter what, it always will. Anyway, he didn't respond.

He has an appt with us on Friday and last week he didn't remember the date or time. So, I sent him an email this morning Subject: Your appt is .... And in the body of the note, I said have a nice day. He responded: u2, thanx

Isn't that wonderful?!! Oh well. I can't imagine that his life is wonderful at home - ESPECIALLY when they did nothing but fight.

But you are right, Claire...why put ourselves second? Why settle for less? You are right! I don't deserve that and I shouldn't do that to myself. But as you...I still miss him. CRAZY!!!!

...
written by Claire (Lied to) , 13 August, 2008

Hi Deep Sigh,

Thank you for your concern.

He's suffered with Parkinson's for so long and Hospice has been wonderful. We have already made our pre-arranged funeral.
It sounds ghoulish but when his time comes it will be easy for our children.

This time I shall dote on him and make his last days wonderfully loving.
We hold each other and speak of our wonderful children.

He's still able to share his thoughts. It takes a while for him to form the words. The tremors are difficult for him and makes him feel uncomfortable.

May I quote a poster. "Every woman involved with a married man should read the book "MY LOVER IS A LIAR".

We truly need all the resources to encourage us to STOP the madness.
Blessings,
Claire

...
written by Evilyn , 13 August, 2008

I have been seeing a MM for 6 months now. We were together 17 years ago but because he couldn't choose between myself and someone else I left him. He married the other person 10 years ago and he & I lost contact for 17 years. We found each other again and when we saw each other it was like no time had passed between us. I love him with all my heart and I believe he loves me as well. I have never felt this way about anyone in my life and I am afraid. He never says he will leave her and I never ask. Sure I want to be with him but I kinda like things the way they are. We see each other once a month and enjoy every minute together. I want to relocate to be closer to him. I have been married twice and both times sucked. I just feel like what we have is ok the way it is so why change things?? If it meant to be it will be.

...
written by Deep Sigh , 14 August, 2008

Hi Claire...I'm very sorry to hear about your husband's illness. There is nothing ghoulish about making arrangements for your loved ones, especially when you know the end is coming. I actually want my arrangements to be done without my children knowing about it when my time comes.

I am glad that you and your husband are able to spend whatever time he has being able to communicate and share this time together holding, loving and talking about your children. Memories are a wonderful thing.

I will keep you in my prayers.

My Lover is A Liar? I am gonna have to check it out. Still no word from my MM - but I expected it...and I think I am ok with it - except I cried last night! I need to stop!! I am getting stronger!

...
written by quest , 14 August, 2008

Another good book is Smart Woman/ Foolish Choices.

...
written by Lost in Love , 20 August, 2008

We all suffer from this addiction. Breaking the addiction is impossible for me, specifically because I don't want to break the addiction.

I, like all of you, love this man with all that I am. I feel empty without him. I believe EVERYTHING he tells me. I have faith in us.

I have been in a relationship with this man for 17 months now. He filled out his divorce paperwork and had it notarized in March. He and his moved moved to separate residences in May.

Yet, he hasn't filed the paperwork yet. I believe him when he says he wants to make sure she's ready for the divorce, specifically financially. They share a little boy who he doesn't want to leave.

Two weeks ago he told me if he had to chose between his son and me, he would chose me because he couldn't live the rest of his life knowing he let me go. This week he told me that if he had to go back to his son he would.

This question is, is he really going back to his son or is it about going to back to her? I know all about the comfort zone. I spent nine years in the comfort zone, it's all I knew until I had the courage to leave.

I don't believe he loves his wife. I hear the way they speak to each other. She knows the divorce is pending; he knows the divorce is pending; I don't know if the divorce is pending. Why wait? If he truly wanted to be there with me wouldn't he already be there? Okay, I know the answer to that.

I know this man loves me. I know it by the look in his eyes, the touch of his hand, the sound of his voice, the tenderness of his love. I know this man loves me.

I have read all of the entries here and know I am no different than any of you who have lost your loves, but I hold out hope. I have faith in us. I believe we will prevail. I pray for us. I pray hard that God will help us. I have never wanted anything so badly in my entire life.

I know the suggestion is to move on. I know the suggestion is to just stop. Stop talking, stop wondering, stop thinking. It all sounds so easy, but we all know better.

I wonder, do these things ever work out to our benefit? Truly? After reading all of these I don't remember seeing anyone say that they have started their lives with their love. Am I holding out for something that won't be?

I have faith; afterall, he moved out, he got the papers and while he thinks he has all of the papers (she actually removed all of the notarized ones) he has NOT turned them in. Am I waiting for the inevitable, "I'm not filing for divorce."?

Please tell me what you think. Please share your advice, even the advice about leaving. I need to know if my hope is a balloon that keeps growing and growing until it pops. Thank you all for your wisdom.

...
written by CClaire , 22 August, 2008

Lost in Love,

My heart is acing for you. You are an intelligent woman who knows deep in your heart the outcome of your fate with your MM.

You have faith in the illusion of what you see before you. His tenderness. The way he strokes your hair and whispers in your ear. The number of WONDERFUL delicious moments of intimate pleasure. Who would want to leave this?

Then YOU wake up one morning and realize I am not number one in his life.
I am being tossed around like an old shoe.
You must become angry enough to break it off.

Have you actually seen the divorce papers?
If not - demand to see them.
If he cannot look you in the eye, then you know he's lying.

You mentioned you don't want to break the addiction. It is a painful process one cannot do it alone. Therapy was necessary for me. My heart was broken in a million pieces.

Blessings to you and your decision.
Claire

...
written by J. Charman , 24 August, 2008

I am 33 and have only had a few boyfriends to speak of throughout my life. I have seen so many other peoples bad relationships and the unhappiness this brings them that I decided a long time ago that I would rather be on my own if I couldn't be with the man who is my soul mate and I am supposed to be with.

I became friends with a MM and this friendship grew over a year but very recently he told me that he had very strong feelings for me, I then told him that I felt the same way. After a very brief affair, which was the most intense time of my life, and his too, we both realized that we were completely in love. He explained to me that although he loves his wife they do not have a physical relationship and I know that he does not get from her all he desires within a relationship/marriage. They have been together for 20 years and had been childhood sweethearts. He told me that he had to tell her everything about our feelings for each other and what had happened over the time we spent together. He has told her everything and when he did, he told her that he was going to leave her. She was understandably very hurt by all of this. What ever she has said to him after that has made him make the decision that he can not leave her. He says that he has already hurt three people and doesn't want to hurt anyone else (ie, his and her families) He also says that he is trying to do the right thing.

I am in a complete state of shock over the whole situation at the moment, the main reason being that I do not have the man I love with all my heart by my side. I feel like I am never going to get over this even though People tell me constantly that I will and it's just a matter of time. I truly feel that we are meant to be together, he told me that he feels the same.

I can't help but hold onto a little bit of hope that he will decide to follow his heart and not stay within a marriage he is not completely happy with.

Each day is a battle for me and I don't quite know how to live this life of pain and suffering. I wonder if I should fight for him, would that even make a difference?

JJ (Looking for answers)

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written by Lied To , 24 August, 2008

Hi J J,

Your situation is so much like my own it is scary.

First it is important to recognize HE cannot be trusted.
He tells you he cannot hurt them; but he can hurt you.

Yes, I understand.

You shared intimate times together and he is the love of your life.

DO NOT EVER believe him when he says my wife and I aren't sleeping
together.

I heard that line until he slipped once and explained they only have sex 2 times a week instead of 4. That was after he told me they hadn't slept together for years.

YOU will get over this. It's getting from feeling horrible to feeling much better.

There is a wonderful sense of power in yourself when the anger boils and you discover you don't need him in your life.

I wish there was a magic pill to take for these feelings to evaporate.
We understand what you are going through. It is horrible.
Your heart is breaking and your soul feels empty.

Each day is a battle for me and I don't quite know how to live this life of pain and suffering.

It will hurt until the anger quells the pain.

Someone mentioned this book. Smart Woman/ Foolish Choices.
Read all you can about relationships and how to empower yourself.

Blessings to you.
Claire

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written by a little wisdom , 25 August, 2008

Sometimes people get caught up into affairs and then realize that that they are in more than they had planned on. Getting out of it can be difficult because they do not want to hurt the other person and there's no easy way to do it and the longer the affair the more harder it gets!! Sometimes immaturity make us do and say things we are sorry for later. Affairs are hurtful and they are not the answer to relationship problems.

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written by Lied To , 25 August, 2008

A little wisdom.

How about the best post yet! You have tons of wisdom and if I had known then what I know now, NO way in hell I would ever allow myself to fall for such a jerk.

Firstly they are already cheating on their wives.
That is the first clue.
Oh I know. They will tell you she doesn't understand.
Guess what? That is sheer BS.

Claire.

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written by lonely_in_txs , 26 August, 2008

I have read every post here, mine I will tell in a story I wrote.

~Triangle of Loneliness~

She lay in her bed alone, worse ? lonely, 324 miles away from her lover and missing him terribly. The smoothness of her sheets felt cool to her naked flesh, the heat of her tears stung her cheeks as she tried to understand the whole thing. What was she doing? There were so many questions, so few answers on this long sleepless night as she turned again trying to find a comfortable position. The morning light couldn?t come quickly enough to suit her needs; the next encounter seemed so far away. She loved being in his arms, loved him with a passion she had never felt for another in her whole life. It seemed to take forever for them to finally meet, but was it too soon to give up on what they had found? It was so easy when they were together, everything was easy. But the being apart was growing increasingly more difficult and the demons wouldn?t let her rest, she despised the deception.

He lay in his bed not alone, but worse ? lonely, 324 miles away from his lover and missing her terribly. They had just spent the last week together and now it was the withdrawal symptoms that kept him awake at night. He longed for her soft touch and those lips that tasted so sweet. He wanted to run his fingers down her spine and find the warmth that he had grown accustomed to. There was no warmth in his bed and hadn?t been for going on 15 years. He wasn?t looking when he found her, but he knew that she had awakened in him something that had been dead for a very long time. He felt horrible that he couldn?t call her today, he couldn?t hear her voice, and he couldn?t tell her how much he loved her. He knew that it would make a long and painful night for her and he just wanted to reach out to pull her in close. There were many things he knew, but there was so much more he didn?t. He knew that he loved her, he just didn?t know what to do about it, and the bottom line was that he was petrified.

She lay in her bed not alone, but worse ? lonely, two feet away from the husband that she had gradually grown apart from over the past 15 years. She felt as though they had nothing in common anymore except for their daughter. There were so many questions and she had none of the answers. She felt a gulf, an even larger distance than there had been in the past and she suspected that he was having an affair but she didn?t know for sure. All the signs were there, and the biggest sign of all was that he hadn?t approached her for sex in almost four months, not that she minded, it was more of a relief that she didn?t have to fake it. She just didn?t know what to do about him; the bottom line was that she was petrified.

It is easier to stay with a routine than to upset the apple cart, so life goes on and people live unhappily for years. It is easier to live in fear of what might happen rather than take that leap of faith and make a change that would better the future. Things seem too good to be true, or maybe that is a way of justifying the inaction. There are so many questions left unanswered, so many thoughts left unsaid out of fear. Fear drives us, it rules us, and it overtakes us until we are numb. Numbed into a routine of loneliness, and in this case a triangle of loneliness. And everyone finds it hard to sleep at night.

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written by Lied to , 27 August, 2008

Triangle of Loneliness,

I am willing to edit your story ~ pro bono before you post.

Claire

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written by Lied to , 28 August, 2008

karter , March 09, 2008
Been with a married man for 22 yrs. They never, ever leave. Not after 3 months, when something was going to pop any day, thru kids growing up, thru kids moving out. They don't leave--no matter how deep the love, how perfect a soul mate, how deep the attraction nor how impeccable the sex--they don't leave.

I hear your pain. I understand.

YOU CAN TURN YOURSELF INSIDE OUT ~ and it won't mean a damn thing.

Claire

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written by Neon , 04 September, 2008

"Fear" is the word here. Indeed, it takes a lot of guts to walk away from a secure relationship, especially when there are children involved. I have known someone for about 7 months now - I know in my heart he is the only person on this planet that could ever be right for me. However, we are both married and in "secure" relationships - walking away would be terrifying for both of us. Having spent so many years with our partners, the very thought makes us feel sad. However, should we find ourselves in a position one day whereby we do find the courage to be truly happy, I will certainly eat my hat! We are NOT having a physical affair at all.. no sex, no dirty talk, nothing - we simply talk every week, and as time goes by, we share more. This is indeed, how things develop. I know he is right for me, as he is nothing like the men I have always ended up with (for reasons of security). He is simple, not rich, he doesn't even dress fine (and none of it matters to me), we simply click. When I am not in contact with him, I miss him terribly.. he belongs in my life. Go figure!

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written by Lost in Love , 04 September, 2008

The answer is that I have seen the divorce papers for my love. In fact, he asked me to look over them to make sure everything was correct. When I looked over them I found that ALL of the notarized documents were missing. Last night I revealed this to him and now he is very mad. Initially he said, "Where are they?" I said, "I don't know, they weren't there when I looked over it." I could tell he was very mad. Now he won't say anything to me about anything. I have a feeling he is very mad at the woman he is trying to divorce, but he appears to be upset with me as well.

I still believe in us. I have so much faith in all that we are. I know he loves me and wants to be with me, but to see him this upset is frustrating. Even more frustrating is the fact that I can't do anything about it.

I'm quite sure I know what happened to the notarized documents. If one was missing it would be easy to say it was misplaced, but all six are missing. I'm sure when they were moving to separate residences she took the paperwork and removed the documents. I can't help but wonder if she kept them or destroyed them. If she destroyed them then he has to reaccomplish everything. I know he's really mad about this, but also know there is nothing I can do.

My love does love me; I know this. I see it in his eyes, I feel it in his touch, I hear it in his voice. Claire, you have given me good, sound advice and now I'm reaching out to you again and anyone else who is listening. I love this man more than anything else in the world and would do anything for him, for us. Please help me.

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written by Lied to , 05 September, 2008

Lost in Love,

I just read your heart warming post. I would suggest this. Any Notary can provide new documents. Check with a notary or a lawyer if you are concerned.
It seems unusual they should vanish.

Let me ask you this. Did you see the notarized documents and then somehow they were not there OR you never did see the notarized documents at all?

YOU ARE SO MUCH IN LOVE. Nothing I can say will help the pain.

There is a trait I noticed in my 2nd MM where he felt the need to be domineering. If I ever questioned him he would become irate.

This is what you are experiencing and for me to advise you of your heart felt love for this man is and must be your choice.
You can sense something is amiss.

When I flew to England for a week we lived like teenagers. So much in love.
It was his smile, the wonderful sexy English accent. I could see it in his eyes and his voice as well.

Then I began to speak of his family and how would I fit into his life.
Towards the end of our honeymoon he became sullen, angry.

I loved my MM more than life itself. He was amazingly wonderful.

When I began a life without my MM it was certain my life would come to an end. The pain was unbearable. I knew of a lovely woman named Sylvia who was my therapist with other issues. She helped me find my sanity.

If only there was a magic pill to reduce your agony.
I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. AND IT IS JUST HORRIBLE.

It is okay to seek therapy and counsel. It will help you get through the hard
road if this does not work out.

Here is an option. Let's say he does indeed want to leave his wife and have a life with the woman he truly loves. You have to be so sensitive to his needs and yet look out after yourself as well.

I don't know this man's heart. My MM and I were the ONLY two people in the world who were deeply in love. Until I began to ask question and then he realized he could never leave home.

Blessings,
Claire

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written by Red Rose , 06 September, 2008

Thank you to everyone for sharing your experiences of
MM. It is so easy to get caught up in the moment. My story is one of finding your first love after 24 years. He was my first everything and I often wonder about him... actually I never got over him in the first place. I was the one to walk away when I was 19 after being involved with him for 2 years. I am a married woman of 23 years, unhappily for the last 10.
I got this bright idea to look him up and contact him with an email. Well he quickly responded stating he was married but not happily and they were living like roommates for the past 10 years with sex about once every 3 months. I didn't mention anything in my first email about being unhappy...and then there it was in black in white the man I dreamt about for years telling me how unhappy he was and how he never got over me, always thought of me including on his wedding day. Well we continued to email and then came the phone calls. He told me his wife actually left him for about 2 years than got sick couldn't afford to live on her own and asked to come home. Him being the nice guy he is said yes. Well instead of getting better she got worse and went on disability... she has seizures and a host of other problems mainly depression she goes to the hospital on a regular basis but they can never tell her anything else is wrong with her. Her doctors suggested she seek professional help with a therapist, and she refuses.
She is home all day yet she doesn't do any cleaning, no laundry, no cooking, etc. She has a 21 year old son from a previous relationship. He has taken care of his stepson since he was a baby. He goes to work does all the shopping, cleaning, cooking etc. Hell he even makes her doctors appointments takes her there. She is capable of doing all these things but is constantly saying how tired she is. The only thing she likes to do is go the casinos and she is fine when she is there but as soon as they start to leave it's she so dizzy etc. She told him if she wasn't so sick she probably would have never came home. Well needless to say my mm feels like a gloried butler and not a husband. My mm kept pushing to see me just see me he said. I laughed because I told him we both knew where it was headed. He pleaded and begged and I gave in. I was so lonely, I haven't been with my own husband intimately in years. So I was yearning for the attention and love that was offered. My mm promised me the moon and the stars, asked me to marry him when he divorced his wife. Constantly thanked me for coming back into his life. The only catch was he needed time to ween his wife off him. Because Lord knows 10 years wasn't long enough. Told me if she found out about us she would never forgive him.... Well you guessed it. Not only did she find out but she knows that he loves me he told her that he always loved me that I was the person he should of married. She left for 1 day...Told him she needed him because she was sick and that she was sorry for neglecting him all these years. She begged him for a chance to make it better and you guessed it he's giving to her because he feels an obligation to her not love but obligation. I know everything he told me is true because when he was on the phone with me she was right beside him listening to him profess his undying love for me... which pretty much leaves me confused, betrayed and brokenhearted. I feel more alone now than I did before we rediscovered each other. I feel like such a fool. Moral of the story is even when a man truly loves you there is no guarantee that he will leave his life of obligation and complacent to be with you. I am completely devastated and constantly yearn for his touch.

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written by some wisdom , 06 September, 2008

There is so much deception here! It doesn't matter about the wife how good, bad, beautiful, ugly, clean, or dirty it's what "HE" tells you and what he wants you to know in "his favor". Whether he goes back to his wife or not, he's not looking for a another commitment just you being available for him is enough.

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written by Lied to , 06 September, 2008

Some Wisdom,

I do agree with the DECEPTION and yes, they are amazingly controlling.

As long as I made him feel important and didn't cause any friction my MM was fine. When I shared my needs; he went into depression and blamed me.

I did a survey over 3 years and discovered most married men need the other woman. They have a lovely wife, (who provides him all the sex he wants.)
Along with children, a fine business, and their lives are in order.

Soon the other woman comes upon the scene and he is usually feeling older, not as attractive when he was in his 30's. He feels threatened.

WHEN HE TELLS YOU, "I HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN MONTHS WITH MY WIFE."
Really, now. When will a man ever say no to sex with anyone; especially his wife.

The deception is outstanding.

AND WOMEN BUY THIS ALL THE TIME. Mostly because they know if they saw the truth of who this man truly is; it is heartbreaking.

Denial is one of the major contributors to the other woman in believing he loves only her alone.

Thanks for your input.
Claire

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written by Lied to , 07 September, 2008

Hi Red Rose,

So much history and sadness. You find one another only to be held captive
by his wife's miserable state of illness.

You mentioned the word obligation. I sense he loves you very much and is trapped in a marriage where he shall always do everything.

Some men for one reason or another allow their wives to treat them like a cow pie. I have never figured that out.

From what you describe his wife is clinically depressed and the mere fact she refuses therapy is an indication of such.

He will continue to do the shopping, make the meals, clean the house and anything that will elevate any form of discomfort for his wife.

My best to you in this very difficult situation.

Claire

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written by Red Rose , 07 September, 2008

Dear Claire,

Thank you so much for your input. Talking to someone who doesn't judge you or actions is extremely uplifting. Reading similiar posts make me feel that I am not alone and helpful. I think about mm all the time. At times I feel haunted by his love, his eyes burning in to the depth of my heart and soul. Telling me over and over to trust him, he loves me and my personal favorite when he sees his future, he sees me by his side as his wife, lover and soul mate. The way things were suppose to be. Don't worry will be together and all the other promises. Then he folds like a deck of cards. The wife was right there when he told me he loved me and always would. She said if it was just about sex he could continue to see me but she knows that he loves me and that makes a difference to her. Please the only thing she sees is her provider/butler leaving. It makes me so angry that she actually said if she was well enough she probably wouldn't be there in the first place. She doesn't want to go to counseling because of her other issues. She doesn't want someone telling her or him there is nothing wrong with her other than her depression. Even his own mother and brothers told him to leave her and have been for years. His mother and brothers were thrilled we were involved again. For me it's like watching someone you love drowning and your trying to send him a life preserver but it misses, and he is engulfed in the darkness of the water. He feels a great deal of obligation to her and also states he can't walk out on her because she is sick. I do truly love him and I want him to be happy even if it's not with me. But to waste our second chance at happiness... makes me so angry. Fate can be so cruel.

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written by some wisom , 07 September, 2008

Dear Claire, Your experience will be helpful to alot of woman. Sometimes it alot of pain as a growing lesson. Another book that might be helpful is How To Survive Your Boyfriends Divorce: Loving your Separated Man Withot Losing Your Mind by Roby'n Todd and Lesley Dorman.

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written by Lied to , 07 September, 2008

Hi Red Rose,

I have no problem with a married couple that prefers a more traditional marriage, one where the husband works and the wife takes primary responsibility for the kids and the house. In fact, most of the people I know have situations that are exactly like that.

He is is an impossible marriage. Especially how he caters to her every whim, is borderline psychotic on her part.

When my husband was well he loved to cook. But I always did the shopping and make sure the bills are paid on time.
Most women pick up the kids, take them to the library, and off to the pediatrician's office when ill. Very rarely do men do laundry. Yet some do.

In your MM's situation he is indeed a butler.
And you must ask yourself why in hell does he continue to remain with her; especially with his family pleased by your renewed dalliance.

He feels a great deal of obligation to her and also states he can't walk out on her because she is sick. I do truly love him and I want him to be happy even if it's not with me. But to waste our second chance at happiness... makes me so angry. Fate can be so cruel.


He is not a cad. He does not have a wife who is turning herself inside out for his love and does everything for him; and then some.

Your MM is the victim of a very ill woman. And she uses this to hold onto him even though she is aware of your situation with him at this time.

Best of Wishes to the man you love.

Claire

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written by Lied to , 08 September, 2008

Hi some wisdom,

Thank you for your kind words. I am just like the rest of you. Hurting and a survivor. I don't have a PHD nor a therapist.

Wonderful for providing the book titles. Terrific!!!!

Here is something to smile at. For those who watch HOUSE, MD but couldn't
find the name of the music during this great piece of music.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4yX57LvxDko&feature=related

The Who plays Baba O'Riely.

And those delicious blue eyes. YUM.

Sorry I just could not resist.

Claire

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written by empty hope , 09 September, 2008

Hi,

Like many of you that have written here before me, I find myself writing an echo of words that I have just read, and the little voice in my head that kept telling me 'we' were different has suddenly become very quite, as I realize that I am not unique nor am I alone in my grief.

This is my story...

I met my married man (MM) 7 years ago, we worked in the same company, just over 4 years ago we became friends, I can honestly say I never meant it to turn into anything, I new he was married I simply saw him as a friend, but soon we realized that we were more alike than we had ever imagined, that we shared the same thoughts, dreams desires etc... He too told me that he hadn't been happy in his marriage (married the time only one year) said that he had got engaged because it seemed the right thing to do at the time, only to be standing at the isle knowing that he was about to make the worst mistake of his life. claimed after the first year of marriage that he and his wife became more like flatmates, that they had no longer been intimate (because he didn't feel right) it was easier just to avoid their differences than to confront them. So our affair continued going from being best friends, to being intimate lovers, we saw each other a lot, but then the circumstances changed, his wife lost her job and decided she didn't want to work anymore(she is 27, he is 32, I am 25) so it meant we saw each other less and less, it was during the later time of our relationship that our time together became less frequent a stolen minute here and there, and despite the fact that he said he was waiting for her to leave him, that he was afraid she would do something crazy like suicide and couldn't bear the guilt of destroying her life, I still found him doing silly things like.. if he had called to see me, he would check to see if there was any hair on his jumper or something stupid like that. and its this that made me think-if you want her to leave you so bad, why do you keep her so happy ???

I am not the type of person who set's out to have an affair or destroy anyone's life (in fact I don't think the majority of us here are) I do not want to be the person who looks back 10years from now, even more lonely than I am now, having spent my life waiting on him to leave. So just over 3 weeks ago I told him that I wasn't prepared to play fishing with him any more, that i was tired of being there for everyone else and nobody being here for me, simply because i had fabricated a world of lies around me in order to sustain my relationship with him, and yet my relationship with him existed simply in the shadows, of i life that i had never seen. So I told him 'No more' no more contact, that I cannot be the person he needs me to be, because being there for him is destroying means loosing who I am. And so for 3weeks now, I have not heard his voice, nor seen his face. As much as I want to, I no I am strong enough now not to give in to it all, because the truth is affairs r bitter sweet and there is a lot more bitterness than sweetness.

Do I love him? yes, more than I have ever loved anyone. I would be lying if I said I wasn't secretly hoping that he would leave her and come looking for me, but the truth is, I do not want to be the reason he leaves, If he wants to make a go at his marriage that's fine by me, But should he decide and realize that he cant live in the falseness that has become his life, should he decide that he wants to leave, then he will be doing it for him-not me. after that perhaps we can try to have a normal relationship, but the truth is when your heart has been born and broken by the same man, how could you ever know if you would really want him, what happens when the pain out weighs the pleasure?

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written by Rosie1234321 , 09 September, 2008

I, like so many of you am involved with a married man. About three years ago I had booked to go on a skiing holiday to france to visit a friend who was working over there, but a couple of weeks before I was due to go my friend returned home having been injured... having already paid for the holiday and looking forward to it I decided to go anyway... although all the way to the airport I was in two minds about should I go or shouldn't I. I did, and met a lovely group of people who I was able to join in the day. This is where I met him, and the connection I had with him was unlike any i had had before... Yes I knew he was married, but never the less three years on and I can honestly say I have never loved anyone so much as i love him... he is my counselor, best friend, lover, soul mate and so much more. He is a great person, who I have a tremendous amount of respect for. I don't think anyone can understand what it is like to be involved with a married man unless they have been there themselves, or have the right to judge. We can't help who we fall for in life, it is a fact that cannot be changed. I know ultimately, that as I would never have the heart to ask him to leave his family and I know he loves them too much to anyway, that I have two choices... either put up with things how they are... reading these posts and seeing how affairs can last for years... or I can end things, sooner rather than later... not really wanting to, but fearing that it will mean less hurt in the long run. Believe me I have thought about this so much, and I still don't know which would be best or which I am likely to do. I do believe in destiny and fate and believe that this is what first bought us together. and I believe that he loves me just as much as I do him. It is a hard decision. I never have or ever will want any sympathy from anyone, friends, or family when I do get hurt or now when i am hurting because I know that ultimately I put myself in this situation... but a little understanding from people that people like myself who are having an affair can hurt just as much and are not bad people who set out to ruin peoples lives would go a long way. No I am not a gold digger, home wrecker, yes he is older than me, but no I am not looking for a father figure, yea we have things in common, more than a lot of people in relationships who I know have, no it's not just about sex, and no I am not looking for security, financially or emotionally. And finally, Yes I know who I am, where I myself am going and want to be in my life. This is just one part of my life and it does not make me a bad person.

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written by Lied to , 10 September, 2008

Hi empty hope,

Human behavior is a funny animal. There are parts of our nature to be attracted to the opposite sex. You found someone who was vulnerable, lonely and when you fell in love it was MAGIC.

Then things seemed to change for him and his wife. Notice how she is always will and forever will be his only true concern. As deeply as it hurts unless you walk away you will live a torturous life of misery.

Stolen moments dear girl are crumbs. And you wait and wait to what avail?

As much as I want to, I no I am strong enough now not to give in to it all, because the truth is affairs are bitter sweet and there is a lot more bitterness than sweetness.

This is the beginning of healing for you. I know you love him; but consider your own emotional health.

In all the post I read there are very few truly happy outcomes.

But, there is hope. YOU will find your own dignity and self worth w/o him.
No person deliberately goes out looking to be injured.
Yet, I do know of some women who do this to be punished from some disturbing childhood issues.. It's from an earlier bad relationship with a father image.

Much of our addictions stem from failing father/daughter relations.
Some of the women I have spoken with are in denial of a bad relationship with dad.

I hear your pain and wish for a magic pill to take you from point A to point C without hurting.
I guarantee you will find another who will love you and cherish you and is single. Don't make the same mistake I made. Once then twice never again.

Blessings to you,

Claire

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written by Lied to , 10 September, 2008

Hi Rosie,

I can honestly say I have never loved anyone so much as i love him... he is my counselor, best friend, lover, soul mate and so much more.

This concerns me greatly. No man should be any woman's counselor. It's a way of control w/o the woman suspecting.

You seem to have things in order with your head and heart. I don't think you are a bad person. I sense a call for help but then not.

Best wishes.
Claire

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written by destiny hopes....for Rosie , 11 September, 2008

Hi Rosie,

I read your post an almost felt like I was writing it myself! The words and emotions are so familiar, along with the unspoken confusion.
You see I like you began an affair just over 4years ago, I fell in love with a man I never set out to, and it didn't take long to realize that he was my soulmate, he became my best friend, my soulmate, my confident. Even though people may say it is impossible our relationship with each other is the most honest either of us has ever been with another person, we tell each other everything, nothing is left out. I love him more than I ever loved anyone or anything, an i no he feels the same about me, Hes not the type of guy that has random affairs, we were emotionally involved long before we crossed the line than into physical.
He has been married for 7 years, we have been having an affair for just over 4. but the truth is the more time that slips by the less we see of each other, the more discrete we had become, I always felt like I was canceling everything in the hope that he would ring, text or visit, afraid that I would be doing something else and miss an opportunity with him, it was always when it suited him, ALWAYS, I was always there for him, and yet he was rarely there for me.
His problem is he claims to be unhappily married, he has no children but he and his wife are the only relationship either of them has had, he claims he is afraid to leave her...in case she cant cope and does something crazy, He wants her to just give up on their marriage so that it is easier.
The thing is as time goes by and the deeper you get involved the lonelier you become, all the parties, special occasions, friends weddings etc... these are all things you do alone, pretending to be happy and uninterested in the opposite sex, claiming that being single is great! yet inside your heart is breaking, as you hear a song that reminds you of him, you feel like your searching everyplace for a familiar face-his face, only to feel more empty, bitter, lost and alone, you cry yourself to sleep until the tears run dry, you wake up cursing, wishing that you could have stayed asleep because dreaming is easier than the reality that has become your life. Slowly you start to realize that everyone close to you is moving on with their lives and yet you are standing completely still, the world continues to move around you, and yet everything stays the same.

I love my mm, of that I have no doubt. I know he loves me too. But this is the reason that several weeks ago I decided to let him go...
Because in the midst of my confusion, I began to hate him and myself. and I don't want to hate him, nor so I want to regret anything we have shared together. So I asked him to respect my wishes and not contact me. I feel that in order for us to move on with our lives we need to first overcome the situation. I believe in destiny and faith as much as you, but I felt like I was walking around in circles. As much as I know I'll miss him, I know I'm doing whats right for both of us, you see as far as I could see he had the easy life, me when ever he wanted or needed me, whilst still playing happy family's with his wife. So I have removed myself from the situation-completely. This way he will be forced to realize, either he wants to work at his marriage or he wants his freedom.

I personally feel that he truly wants to be with me, but he cant see a way out. Now without me he will be forced to see things for what they really are.
I will continue my life for me, trying to enjoy me relief and freedom. I have decided to secretly give him 1year (I am still young) if in that year his life either remains as is now or improves with his wife I will let go forever. If however within that time he realizes how much He claims I mean to him and changes the circumstances of his life i will willingly take him back...

After all if we are destined to be together then we shall, and whats a year out if we end up together anyway!

So take my advice young Rosie, get out now enjoy life and the freedom you have, give it a while, if its meant to be, then be it shall.
If its not then you'll find whatever it is that is, and what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger! x x x

Good luck, I know it'll be hard, but perhaps in its own crazy way it will make things easier... Perhaps its not the end at all...simply the beginning to the end, of the start! have faith and give destiny room to breath x x x x

...
written by What Do I Do? , 11 September, 2008

Thanks for your advice Claire. The funny thing is, I see all that is wrong in our relationship. My gut tells me this will never work. I know he won't take the chance of losing his trucks by leaving her. He once told me he wants his company to be successful and that the trucks are like his children - though he denies saying that. I know he loves me and had it been another time or another place, yes we would already be together. I'm slowly detaching myself from him. He doesn't fully understand yet as I haven't said anything. I've made my mind up and don't want any influence from him. My problem is I just can't stop cold turkey and I know I need to. Your advice was great. He is a weak man and I have pointed that out numerous times. He denies it but when his wife says jump, he does. Funny how much clearer we see things when we take the time to write it all down. Seeing it and taking action are 2 different things though - the latter being the hardest. I'm going to have a long talk with him tomorrow about all of this. It's nothing we haven't been over before but he needs reminded, as do I, of how things really are. Yes our road trips are a fantasy world and the apartment is playing house. My real world sucks to be honest with you but it's REAL. I just wish I could make myself have those feelings towards my husband. He's the best guy you could ever ask for, I just have no passion for him. Wish me luck and thank you all so much for sharing your stories. It's been a big help.

...
written by Lied to , 11 September, 2008

Destiny Hopes,

It is so good to see others share their stories as we are all here to encourage and help when things get bad.

In my experience they usually go down hill quickly.
It was refreshing. She needs to get out and enjoy life.
The healing process begins when we do and can be with family and friends.
But mostly when she perceives this as an addiction and treats it as such.

Claire

...
written by Lied to , 11 September, 2008

What do I do,

You may not realize it yet, but you are on the road to recovery from your MM.

But, as you mentioned fantasy can only last for so long.
Dear, I too had the greatest husband who did not deserve my deception.

When they say one must really work at a marriage to keep it alive, it means to focus on his positive aspects.
Sometimes it seems impossible to look at the man you are married to and have any feelings at all.

I had to deal with this from another approach. Even though we've been married for eons I recalled what it was about him that TURNED ME ON.
It is amazing how going over your wedding album does to your heart.

Give tour marriage all you can. No, you are not being a hypocrite. This is the man you are married to and you have children together.

Your MM may love you but like most MM they cave and cannot leave.
We have all experienced the I cannot be without him. It is horrid.

My real world sucks to be honest with you but it's REAL. I just wish I could make myself have those feelings towards my husband.

But there is much more and you can grow to love him again. I did. When I couldn't stand to have him touch me. It was difficult.

Hang in. You're doing good. It's difficult and we're all here for you.
Blessings to you.
Claire.

...
written by some wisom , 12 September, 2008

A book that was very helpful in my own recovery was called "His Needs/Her Needs. Years ago, I read a book called the Peter Pan Syndrome, when men do not want to grow up.... Wendy is the wife and Tinker Bell is the other woman!!! It all help me understand my own behavior and how woman and men behave differently.

...
written by EverConfused , 12 September, 2008

How it happened?
It started 7 months ago... We were completely strangers to each other. I was heartbroken and became bitter with every guy I would bumped into. I have a 1 year old kid and I was still struggling to start my life over again as a single mom. Then I met him. We are on the same company, I was new so in my first weeks of work, I barely see him, doesn't even know that he existed. As they say, many things happen in the workplace, meeting new people, getting to know them and some other people even find marriage in the workplace. But also, I quote, "According to all the latest statistics, the workplace has become the #1 place for married people who engage in infidelity to meet the other person". Why say so? Because as we all know, people begin to get to know one another well when working together. The workplace offers lots of interaction, travel, projects and long work hours, all of which lead to members of the opposite sex who share many common attributes growing close. . . .
I guess you are finally getting to see the picture here. . . Yes, I am one of those who got involved with affairs in the workplace. I am starting to build a relationship with an MM.
Like I've said, we were strangers, then we get to work together. . . The unavoidable closeness that led to friendship. We end up spending a great deal of time, on occasion more time than we spend at our own homes. Then the friendship grew deeper that led to strong emotional attachments. Then the last thing we knew, we fell head over heels with each other. At first I thought that it will be just a fling, so I didn't take it seriously. Though I found out that I am falling for him, still I told myself not to draw closer to him coz I know what the consequences would be plus I have to be cautious for my life isn't easy anymore as it was before. (Not cautious anymore I guess)
But for him, it's different. He never treated our relationship as an "ordinary affair". I see and feel the love from him. I never even expect to hear from him that he has plans for us, for our future. As for me, I know my limitations so I never demanded on him about anything. Instead, I kept my distance. Now, we are going to our 7th month, and I don't know if I could still bring this kind of relationship up to 7 years or more. Maybe it's because I am over clouded with fear and guilt. Fear that our relationship might be caught off guard, fear of breaking up, fear of losing him and many more worries. And of guilt... guilty of our relationship, of his wife and kids. Maybe it's the reason why I find it so hard to believe his promises to me. I am ever confused and will be confused for our relationship until I will have the answers. . . Answers for what? Although I believe him, still I worry. He keeps on telling me that he is so in love with me. . . but why I am still worried? Why won't I just believe his words but keep on worrying instead? I keep on reminding myself not to wait for him, but I can't also deny that in some ways I am hoping. How long will I wait until I can finally say that he is mine and I am his for the rest of our lives?

...
written by Lied to , 12 September, 2008

Hi Ever Confused,

Yes, I do agree regarding situations and relationships happening at the work place. Many who have these experiences understand how bantering is a form of flirtation. Yet, because it is done with others around you and everyone joins in; no one suspects you are truly coming onto him.

He picks up your signals and little by little this working relationship becomes more intimate.

Although I believe him, still I worry. He keeps on telling me that he is so in love with me. . . but why I am still worried? Why won't I just believe his words but keep on worrying instead?

Deep inside there is that instinct warning you of the outcome.
Truly, Married Men NEVER leave MOMMY.
He will tell you time and time again how much he loves you and cheating on his wife with a smile.

I fell in love with a jerk. He was everything I had hoped and continued to believe his lies.

This post is one that may give you better insight..
ritten by karter , March 09, 2008
Been with a married man for 22 yrs. They never, ever leave. Not after 3 months, when something was going to pop any day, thru kids growing up, thru kids moving out. They don't leave--no matter how deep the love, how perfect a soul mate, how deep the attraction nor how impeccable the sex--they don't leave.

Imagine 22 years she stayed in the background. THEY NEVER LEAVE.
You can turn yourself inside out and become a billionaire they still stay.
NO MATTER HOW DEEP THE LOVE, HOW PERFECT A SOUL MATE..........

We have all been there and nicely said it SUCKS!!!!
Get out and stay out. Be angry as hell that you KNOW he will not leave his wife.

In another post it is all about history. How they formulate their lives in a neat package with children and grandparents. When they become older and become grandparents themselves the bond with their wives is amazingly strong.

Picture yourself with him in two years. Okay how about six months. His priority is and will forever be his family.

Hope this has helped in some way.
Do take care of yourself.

Best wishes,
Claire

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written by annette46 , 13 September, 2008

Gosh I read these stories and I think man I'm stupid. My story is I've been with my MM for 4 1/2 years, we have a child together. Long story short wife found out about the child and I and continued to stay. He has been promising to leave but every time he is supposed to "Something" comes up and he can't. I've become friends with him mother. She likes me and has me come visit her regularly. I've been to his Grandparents and basically all kinds of family functions when of course my MM isn't there. His mother said she knows he's not happy and that he loves me and she actually wants him to be with me. So I'm torn. How long do you wait, especially every time I look at my child I see him. Life sucks

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written by Lied to , 13 September, 2008

Some Wisdom,

Wow that is amazing. YES. My 2nd MM was unable to think for himself and it's a wonder he didn't want to be bathed and diapered. Okay not the diapers but he was so caught up in being a small child.

Somehow I am led to believe stresses of the day prevail; leading a man to the Peter Pan Syndrome. What a find.

THANKS!!! These are the helps we can all turn to as means of healing.

Very appreciative,
Claire

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written by , 14 September, 2008

Hi Annette,

Let's establish you are not stupid. WE have all been taken in.

I see two things happening here.

1. His mother never got along with his wife. That is the most difficult ingredient for a a good marriage; an interfering mother.
He might be home with his wife as many husband do; content and happy.

2. Mother has a grandchild and you have been going to family functions and in essence been replaced what his wife yearns to do.

I see a woman in a NO WIN situation. She has lost the love of her husband and his family prefers to be with another woman who had his child.

Honey, do you see where I am going? There are many facets to your relationship.

You have a child whom he adores. But, there are times when we MUST relinquish our position in the family's eyes and do allow mother to visit; but I would back away from family outings. That is cruel to his wife.

Also you will notice it is NEVER the right time to leave. Time and time again I would listen to my MM's promises to be taken in by his charm.

Do keep this in mind. His mother is the matriarch of the family.
Let's say he does leave his wife and marries you.
Nine of of ten times her feelings for you would change; and you would become the victim also.

It is the natural order of how controlling women act and react.
What is caring and wonderful now will change. I know this from other woman's sad stories.

Yes it does suck. And I wish I has answers. This is something your heart must decide with and do the right thing for your child.

I hope this has been comforting to some degree. Facing the truth always hurts. You have taken the first step by questioning your situation.

My Blessings to you for comfort and peace.
Claire

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written by EverConfused , 15 September, 2008

Lied to, thanks for your advice. I know sooner or later our relationship will come to an end. I've been trying to get out of this mess but i just can't seem to loose his grip. Whenever i try to run away from him, he always follows and begs me to stay. I know I'm being damn stupid again.
Yes, I've read karter's message and I even quote it. But i don't know (sigh). Being alone and needing someone, I guess I found the comfort in him.
The last thing we talked about is finding an apartment so we could be together already with my son, and when I asked him if he's ready to leave his wife, I saw in his eyes how serious he is when he said yes. I am even more scared.

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written by CClairise , 15 September, 2008

Yes being alone is so difficult. Whatever you decide I had to have therapy in order to find peace of mind.

Most hospitals offer group therapy for such issues.
I would look around and see if this would help you.

Best wishes in your choice.
Blessings.
C.

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written by hurt, just hurt , 19 September, 2008

I have been with my MM for 6 months now. He has really taught me what life could be. We have done more in the past 6 months than I have my whole life. He is an amazing man. But the same as everyone else,.... he will not leave his wife. WTF???? If they are so miserable like they claim to be, then why stay...when we can give them everything they want? I don't get it. But I do have to say, it does make me realize that I am capable of finding what I want and being happy with a single man. I will have that some day. I will be hurt and devastated when I leave him, but I can't do this anymore. Promises are out the window, and the only window that is open is the one for me to crawl through. I will get better and find a man that loves me just as much and be better that I don't have to share. Hang in there all of you, it sucks and never comes out better. But learn what attracted you in the first place and you will live a better life.

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written by InterestingObservation , 19 September, 2008

This site has help me a lot and I am the MM that had a LTA with a MW for over 3 years.

A couple comments.

1) Generally it is stated that most affairs are under 2 years. But going by what I see here someone is not telling the truth.

2) To let you woman know, some guys will leave their wives for you. But when there is family though that chance goes down significantly. The thought of NOT seeing your children will keep you in place. A lot of men are raised with the idea that you live up to obligations. Yes we cheat but we still care for those we made those obligations too. So if you are holding out for a dream it is just that.

Everything is amazing while in the affair but let me tell you when it ends is sucks. Don't get involved with someone you cannot close the deal with, or make sure you control you emotions to the point where you can walk away at any point.

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written by CClairise , 19 September, 2008

To Hurt ~ just Hurt,

This may help.

This post is one that may give you better insight..
ritten by karter , March 09, 2008
Been with a married man for 22 yrs. They never, ever leave. Not after 3 months, when something was going to pop any day, thru kids growing up, thru kids moving out. They don't leave--no matter how deep the love, how perfect a soul mate, how deep the attraction nor how impeccable the sex--they don't leave.

Not all men are the same; yet most are.
One gentlemen wrote because of the children they cannot leave; nor should he.

Claire

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written by CClairise , 19 September, 2008

Interesting Observation,

Remember what Dr. House says. "Everyone lies."
Or is it just the men? Believe me women lie as well.

A lot of men are raised with the idea that you live up to obligations. Yes we cheat but we still care for those we made those
obligations too. So if you are holding out for a dream it is just that.

So what you are saying is it is okay to break the heart of a woman other than your wife. She falls in love with you ~ and she is expected to deal with the pain. Are astute wives who catch on also expected to smile and let a man carry on with an affair?

A man once told me this. We are a testosterone animal and it is the challenge we love. Once married and settled with a happy family abounds; boredom settles in. What starts out as a game turns in to a torrid romance.
Most every one will be hurt in the end.
AND he will never leave because of his children.

I find it most unusual how many women divorce their husbands and leave their children for a man who cannot commit and she knows this. Deep inside they understand they would rather divorce their husband than cheat on him.

It is always interesting to hear a man's take.
Claire.

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written by InSoMuchPain , 19 September, 2008

A Different Point of View--

My husband has cheated on me repeatedly over our 12 year marriage. We have 3 wonderful children so I have kept staying praying that things will change. They did for a few years. Things were wonderful and I thought we would make it. I was devastated at the beginning of 2007 to walk in on him with a friend of ours(also his coworker) in my house with my kids sleeping down the hall. Once again, I decided I would stay. It has been 2 years and she is still a prominent player in my life. She is always at work with him and even when she is not working she is there to visit him. I held myself in check (hurting beyond belief) and tried to convince myself that they were just the friends that he said they were. Until someone told me they were meeting at my house in the mornings after I went to work.

Ladies, I just want you all to hear the other side of the story. I do not condemn any of you for your actions. the woman on both sides is in pain.
Icame here trying to understand why women do what they do.

Not, once during all of these years, after me catching him repeatedly, has he left. He always begs to stay, saying we can work it out. You women are not any more pathetic than the wife's for believing what their husbands tell them. No one deserves to be treated like that. Sometimes I almost want him to leave, that way the only person hurting is me. And then maybe someone would get their happy ending.

What I am saying is please do not believe the lies he is telling you about how horrible his marriage is. I am completely devoted to my husband. I think our sex life is great. He always tells me there could never be a better wife than me. So what am I doing wrong? Absolutely nothing.

Do not be down on yourself please. Know that there are other women hurting as much as you are. I know it is easier said than done but we can get through it. I think it is time for me to start my life over. Be confident that there are other men out there that you deserve far more than a liar and a cheat who will never change for another person. They must change for themselves first.

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written by CClairise , 20 September, 2008

A Different Point of View,
Thank you for your honesty

What I am saying is please do not believe
the lies he is telling you about how horrible his marriage is.
I am completely devoted to my husband. I think our sex life is great.
He always tells me there could never be a better wife than me.
So what am I doing wrong?

I am moved by your words.
Dear lady YOU are NOT doing anything wrong.
You love him or you would not have hung in for 12 long years.

When a man brings another woman to his home with the purpose to have sex is simply UNFORGIVABLE. That is really too much.

Many men are obsessed with sex. It is another form of addiction.
Call it a drug or being an alcoholic. They love their wives dearly but
are driven to the craziness of hoping not to be caught.

. Be confident that there are other men out there that you deserve far more than a liar and a cheat who will never change for another person. They must change for themselves first.


And you know this person and I can imagine the moments you are agonizing over them being together would break my heart in a million pieces.

Some men are truly little boys. Here is a post you may find helpful.

written by some wisom , September 12, 2008
A book that was very helpful in my own recovery was called "His Needs/Her Needs. Years ago, I read a book called the Peter Pan Syndrome, when men do not want to grow up.... Wendy is the wife and Tinker Bell is the other woman!!! It all help me understand my own behavior and how woman and men behave differently.

It is okay to seek help. I saw a wonderful woman named Sylvia. It got me over the parts when I knew my life was coming apart at the seams and I just had to speak with a professional. NO, you are not going crazy.

Some hospitals offer support groups. That may be helpful. It helps to know you are not alone.

Blessings and peace dear lady. You have had enough hardship in your life.
Be good to yourself.

Claire

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written by Cclarise , 20 September, 2008

Interesting Observation.

Generally who stated that most affairs are under 2 years?

Where are you getting such bogus information.
You have read the posts.

C.

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written by Interesting Observation , 21 September, 2008

Clarise
Go look at marriage builders sites and that is a statistic they throw out. Which is why I made my comment someone along the road is NOT telling the truth. I believe more what is being said here then those sites.

Everyone is so much better of NOT going down this road at all. The lies etc... take it's toll during the affair and especially after.

Remember there is NOT NICE WAY of ending an affair, so if you have a MM, dump him tomorrow go through the withdrawals and find someone you can close the deal with.

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written by Cclarise , 22 September, 2008

Interesting Observation,

I am concerned for men AND women alike.
Everyone who enters into an affair deep inside knows the pit falls. However, I become impatient with men who have loving faithful wives and NEED to have that challenge.

Some are so deeply in love and blinded by what could happen they go merrily on their foolish way.

Yes I agree. There is never a nice way of ending it. We are all hurt in the end. There is a need to be wanted and loved; that I understand.

Claire

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written by Interesting Observation , 23 September, 2008

One more thing to add.

For the woman (and men) that think the fact their married partner stayed with their spouse or family reflexes on you it DOES NOT. There is nothing you could have do more or differently to have them leave to come to you. Do not beat yourself up thinking about if you would've done this differently or that differently the outcome would be different. Because it wouldn't be.

I know once I had that realization I was able to let the thoughts of my married partner go.

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written by Some Wisdom , 25 September, 2008

Interesting Observation... Thank you for a male perspective. The blogs are mostly woman and I think it's very helpful to read a man's point of view and how he looked at his affair. I would like to ask you a few questions. What did you get out of the affair that you did not get at home and how did you resolve it? I think it would be very helpful for women to understand. Thank you.

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written by InterestingObservation , 25 September, 2008

Wisdom;
What did I get out of my affair that I did not get at home? That is a question that I keep running over and over in my head to find the answers.

But for me I would say the following.

1) Affection and Admiration from someone that made me feel like they actually liked me and wanted to spend time with me. Not just like someone that was working to pay bills and supply a life for the family.

2) A friend that I could talk to about anything without being judge and criticized.

3) Someone that was actually interested in my hobbies and wanted to participate in them.

4) Yes sex. Although this one was not as important as the other two above(for me). The emotional connection was more important. But it was nice being with someone that actually WANTED to be with me, instead of the feeling of obligation. The emotional connection was what really made the sex special.

I have friends that have not cheated but they are unhappy in their marriages for the same reasons above. If you do enough reading on the subject you find those same reasons over and over for many men. Everyone has a breaking point or they just meet the right person and fall.

What do you mean by "how did you resolve it?" Are you talking about the affair or the issues at home?

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written by Some Wisdom , 26 September, 2008

Interesting Observation;

Thank you so much for your response. My husband had a four year affair, which one year he moved in with the other woman. I would say, he would say the same thing. I know for myself, immaturity was also a factor. I took ownership to my contributions to our problems and we have a better happier marriage. I also love my husband I could see why he cared for her, we all want to be loved and understood. The reason I ask you, "how did you resolve it" because for me, it took a lot of therapy, reading, group sessions and "looking inward" for change. Sometimes it take a painful experience to make us better person and I wanted that for myself and my family.

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written by Lied To , 29 September, 2008

Some Wisdom,

What an amazingly strong person to go through the pain of pleasing your man.
Many times for the men, as Interesting Observation mentioned is a connection.
Being appreciated. How quickly we lose our zest for the other person.

We are spiritual beings. Not in the religious sense; rather we have a soul
and a heart that aches. Unless we are cherished don't stay or stand for anything other than respect.

I spoke with a woman shopping at the supermarket.
We would smile and pass each other for weeks.

This one day she was crying. It took only a short time to park our carts and find a place to sit and share some coffee.

In a matter of ten minutes she explained she knew her husband was having an affair because he no loner loved her; he had fallen in love with the new girl in the office.

Each night he would come home and talk about how wonderful she looks.
Long explanations and loving feelings caused him to smile in a way she had not seen in years

I gave her my phone number and email address.. She was too embarrassed to share this with her family or friends. Her husband was a brilliant attorney and she lived in an enormous house she hated.

She is now in group therapy and I went along with her the first two times.
Quickly she found her place and comfort zone with other gals in the same situation.

She has a newness of life and her husband doesn't understand why she is so happy. She truly doesn't need him emotionally and has gone all out.
Gray hair is now quite sexy blond. She lost 25 pounds and he is noticing her.

For the first time she had a manicure with bright red polish.
Expensive perfume and that one basic dress and earrings has a way of making it happen. And Shoes.
She shines and he is taking notice. She is polite and shows little interest.
He is drooling for the first time in months; possibly years.

The reason I shared this is she also realized she allowed herself to slip and was boring. Now now.

C.

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written by Clarise , 29 September, 2008

Interesting Observation

Thanks so much for your honesty and helping me to
understand my own needs.

...
written by Some Wisdom , 29 September, 2008

Clarie,

I just wanted to add that when my husband had his affair he was drinking a lot. At that time there wasn't much information about it (both our mother's had cirrhosis). Getting involved with several 12 step programs help me understand how we can bring a painful past into a marriage and how our behavior reflects that (sometimes years later). I found for myself it wasn't about "blame" it was about "understanding and healing".

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written by FedUp , 29 September, 2008

I just hate him so much right now.

I won't accept contact from him in any shape or fashion - I will kill him softly idiot and make sure he NEVER FORGETS ME

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written by FedUp , 29 September, 2008

PS. inSoMuchPain u r sooooooooooooo beautiful and tru 2 urself.
Most sites bash other woman and when u try an say it is the fault of the man not the cheated one or the one used - they scream and call u names.

Truth is men are the probs. I wouldn't want to be cheated on either, married woman or other woman, you deserve better.

We can't be envious of how they get to sleep in his bed, get christmas or them looking at other woman as his emotional investment.

HE IS THE PROBLEM AND WE CANT B THE ENABLERS

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written by Clarise , 30 September, 2008

Some Wisdom,

That is all so common unfortunately.
We go into a marriage with all kinds of baggage and somehow
I wish there were more counseling moments for each
couple to examine the other before marriage.

But, then that was a moment when love blinds us to the
realities of the other until it comes out later.

In the form of drinking, anger, any form of negative emotion usually
becomes evident.

I have an alcoholic personality and understand. Never did the 12 step
program but much counseling and group therapy.

I found for myself it wasn't about "blame" it was about "understanding and healing".

What a lovely person you are to be so forgiving and kind.
I had issues with my father. Before he died we made peace. Somehow
forgiveness provided cleansing and release of so much anger and bitterness.
Healing comes in wonderful ways.

Blessings to you. Be happy.
C.

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written by Clarise , 30 September, 2008

Fed Up,

That is an accurate description we all have.
I HATE HIM. This is a safe place to be and
not one shall make you feel less than.

We are here for each other.

Blessings to you and feel better.
Claire.

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written by FedUp , 30 September, 2008

HOW TO GET YOUR POWER BACK STRATEGY:

1. IGNORE ALL PHONES
2. IGNORE ALL MESSAGES
3. MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE
4. GET EVEN? JUST DONT REVENGE (IT DOESNT WORK BUT
BACK FIRES)
5. INFORM HIM IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS (CAUSE YOU MEAN
IT THIS TIME)
6. WHEN YOU ARE DIVORCED, HEALED, FREE AND SINGLE
AGAIN - THEN
COME TO ME YEAH. AND ONLY IF AM AVAILABLE AT THE
TIME. BE
PREPARED FULLY TO LOOSE HIM.

RIGHT NOW, LET YOUR PHONE RING LIKE A SONG, DANCE TO IT. ENJOY ITS SWEET TUNE AND MUSIC.

MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE .

CAUSE ITS ALL OR NONE OF YOU MATE.

AFTER WEEKS OF CONSTANT BEGGING AND NAGGING YOU, THEN "MAYBE" YOU CAN GRANT HIM AN AUDIENCE, TO WHICH YOU WILL FULLY STATE your OWN terms and conditions.

to which he must FULLY agree. if he cant, let him go. you probably have to let him go anyways, cause winning a cheat, is just that - winning a cheat.

PS. GOD CAN DO BETTER.


WE RULE GIRLS! TOO MANY PEOPLE BASH THE OTHER WOMAN, BUT WHAT GOT US IN THESE SHOES? ISSUES, ABUSE, BLURRED BOUNDARIES... WHO CARES, ITS ALSO NOT MOST YOUR FAULT FOR MANY OF YOU OUT THERE, SO YOU CAN START AGAIN.

PeaceOut.

...
written by FedUpFedUp , 30 September, 2008

Hey
? nice guy will finish first , July 30, 2008


when
- your last child finishes high school
- and you have your divorce papers in hand
- and you have gone through counseling and healing
- and you have been free for at least 2 years
- and are ready to start a godly, mature, honest,
no game playing relationship with a

- woman who loves God and believes in a wholesome
godly life
- beautiful woman
- with a beautiful heart who is
- young
- intelligent
- is a mother herself of twins (see how blessed!)
- has business savvy
- can cook real good
- home make real good
- love you real good
- bear you kids real good

and wants

- a true commitment as she will make before God
- a beautiful wedding
- with family and friends and for once THE WHOLE
PUBLIC to be there thank you cheating husbands who
do EVERYTHING in secret!!!!! Hunh! how about that
hey?


Oh, phew am sweating, I got ahead of myself there now love.

anyways, THEN you can contact me on: \n This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it '> This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

...
written by Clarise , 30 September, 2008

Fed Up,

You certainly have your priorities in order and won't allow him or any man provide you with anything less than what every woman deserves ~ Respect and the list is endless.

Claire

...
written by Trying to move on , 04 October, 2008

I have read all the postings above and see myself in all of them, my relationship with my MM has only been over 1/mo. I never though I would do what I did but here is my story. I was in a relationship with my MM for 1 year and 3/mo. At the time I was also married. We had worked together for over 6 years but I never saw him as anything more than a co-worker. It started out with an email from him that said ?Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?. He was so embarrassed that he sent it because he did not want me to know how he felt. And at first I did not think anything of it because we were both married and I figured it was just a drunken email. But then we started emailing back and forth every day. It started out just harmless flirting, but as time went on we both started to admit to each other that we were starting to have feelings for each other. We started talking every night on the drive home and sent text messages constantly. We were both in unhappy marriages, each admitting more than once that if we could go back we would have never gotten married to begin with. Also neither of us have any children so we even talked about how we could start a family together. Instead of waiting to figure out our current situations the affair continued. It became physical after 7/mo, and we both knew what we were doing was wrong but the feelings were so strong we could not deny them. We started spending more time together, having date nights every Tuesday, and finding ways to sneak away in the office daily to spend alone time together. He started all the firsts, the first kiss, the first time we made love, and the first to say ?I Love You?. And it all felt so right, I never had such strong feelings for anyone ever in my life. Nether of us could imagine our lives w/o the other in it.

My husband found out about it 1 year into our relationship, and even though he wanted to try and save the marriage I refused because my feelings for my MM were too strong. And my MM even encouraged me to get out of my marriage with promises of a future together and he did not want me to stay in a marriage that I was so unhappy in. So that is what I did pretty much immediatly I asked my husband for a divorce. My husband quickly decided that my MM?s wife needed to know so for months he tried to tell her and months I protected my MM keeping my husband from telling her. For 2/mo my relationship with my MM turned into almost just being friends again, still talking everyday and conversations about a possible future but no affection. Then one day he came into work overly happy. When I asked him why he told me he had made his decision, he wanted to be with me and he was for sure leaving her I even asked him if he was sure and he said yes. I did not want to get my hopes up for something that might not happen but the love I felt from him when he said it made me believe him. He just had to wait a couple weeks to tell her because his family was coming into town and staying with them. My soon to be Ex found out we were seeing each other again and that was the last straw for him he called my MM?s wife again. She never returned any of his calls, but my MM decided he was tired of being threatened and he told his wife about our affair. Once he told her she said the same things my husband had said to me about fixing the marriage, and my MM decided he felt obligated to try and save his marriage and abruptly ended our relationship. I still cannot understand why he picked her and not me, and why he would let me give up everything if deep down he knew all along he would never leave her.

Needless to say I fell apart. This is a man I still have to see everyday at work. And he told me he is still in love with me and is probably making the biggest mistake of his life but he made a commitment to her to try and that is what he is going to do. So now he won?t talk to me or look at me. My heart is broken. I am still hanging on to hope that he will one day leave her, even though I know deep down he never will. I even find myself wandering down to his office just to get a look at him, and watching him leave everyday. I miss him so much, but am respecting his wishes by not talking to him at all anymore even though it is tearing me up inside. I have lost both the love of my life and my best friend. And even now I am not sure which hurts more.

I wish sometimes that I could go back, not that I think I would be strong enough to change my relationship with my MM, but so I could have been honest with my husband sooner. Our relationship turned into a friendship very shortly after we were married and I wish I could have admitted to him sooner that it was over rather than putting him thru what I did.

Thanks for listening it's nice to be able to say this to someone who will not judge me for what I have done.

...
written by Here's One For Ya , 06 October, 2008

I am in college. I am only 20 years old and I fell for a man quite a bit older than me. People already look down on that... Boy what was I thinking? =] Anyway, at first, it was just "sexual attraction." I NEVER thought anything could come from it. I went to his house one night to babysit his children so he could go out with my parents to the bar. My MM was 31, my parents are 36 and 40. He's my dad's best friend. I love my parents dearly, and this isn't about them. Basically, like in all of these relationships... we started getting feelings. I was a girl home from college - a challenge to an older man. He was a challenge to me, and we found each other sexually and intellectually stimulating. I knew he was married from day one and that his wife was in another state for job training all summer. I quickly fell in love with him. I guess that should be a sign...? He didn't play games at first. There wasn't any tricking. When he first told me he loved me he was sleeping and I was whispering in his ear... he told me he loved me and then he called me stupid. I asked why and he told me that he didn't want me to know how he felt.

...
written by Here's One For Ya , 06 October, 2008

It wasn't fair to me because he couldn't commit to me. He wouldn't commit to me. He told me that he loved his wife but he was not in love with her anymore. They have two children together and he has another child by another women. More bells ringing? ... Basically, he was going through a custody battle with his other child through the other woman and he said he could not handle another custody battle right now. He didn't want to lose his kids or become a "weekend dad." ... We did everything together. I basically lived at his house the entire summer while his wife was gone. When his wife came back near the end of the summer, we still did everything together. He didn't care about us getting caught kissing in my front drive way, and I was the one who always made sure to set the alarm to make sure he was out and back to his house. He didn't care if he was caught. I think ultimately, he was always looking for a way out of his marriage. He married her because he got her pregnant and he "felt he owed it to her." ... In the end, for the most part of our relationship, I honestly feel it was real. He left for one weekend the entire time we were together, and he made it a point to call me each night, and he was actually offered to stay with a buddy and two other women and he turned them home and actually came home early to be with me. After he got home, he said to himself more than me that he realized then that he loved me. He said himself that the "old him" wouldn't have done that. He wouldn't have called, or came home, and that made him realize his feelings for me. He still continued to say he didn't want a commitment with me. He told me he loved me but he said because I am in college right now I don't deserve to have an older man tie me down and I should be living the best years of my life, and that I have so many opportunities ahead of me. I really respect him in that aspect. He has said that stuff and was honest about that from the beginning. Let's reverse for a second, though. When I first started seeing this guy I was in my own relationship that I DESPERATELY wanted out of. I was in a vicious loop with another guy that never cheated on me, but he was NEVER there for me, and I needed out. I found my way out through him, but in the course, I fell for my married man. I didn't mean to... I don't think anyone ever does, but you can't help who you love - you're not supposed to. Anyway, while my MM went away for that one weekend I desperately was scared he was going to cheat on me. I told him I even expected him to because I had heard he was a player. I already expected it because why else cheat on your wife? They were only married for three years, but he was with her on and off again for 12. She was there while he served in Iraq as a Marine. I was scared, so I ran back to my ex boyfriend. He was a source of comfort - security. I went back to him because I was scared of being hurt, and in that second I went back... I lost my MM. He came home early for me and realized I was running back to my ex... He was deeply hurt by it as he had been left by someone he had cared about in his past, so he took to what he knows best. He put up his defense mechanism and started talking to an ex girlfriend of his... They got involved over the internet and the last month we were seeing each other, he was talking to her. He swears to this day that he wasn't seeing her at the time, but I don't believe it. Anyway, near the end of our relationship, I started becoming friends with his wife and she confronted me about us hiding stuff from her. I told her if she had anyone to worry about it was this other girl I knew he was talking to.

...
written by Here's One For Ya , 06 October, 2008

Basically, he came home after I talked to his wife about this other girl and his wife confronted him and he didn't deny it. He never denied cheating on his wife. Another implication he has always wanted out? She would just brush it under the rug each time he did... This time, he told her he loved her but he wasn't in love with her and he just didn't want to do it anymore. She asked him to work things out and he told her no... The problem was, he was pissed at me because I told his wife about him seeing someone else, and I left myself out of it. I wanted to tell her. To this day I want to tell her but I can only think of the other people it would devastate within our community. My parents are very good friends with her, and my mom works with her. It's all messed up. So he leaves his wife, and my parents take him in for a week. That week, I go to see him so we can talk about things. The first night I'm there, he gets a hotel room and won't let me in. He doesn't want to talk to me. Drug/alcohol use is a factor here. So I get upset, go home and shatter. I am beyond broken at this point - I shatter. This guy cheated on me and now he won't even talk to me?... Well, the next morning he comes to my house and we talk. We decide to work on a path of being friends... and that's it. There's no way that we could be anything more... at least at this point. Well, then he goes on to tell me that the other girl he was seeing is now moving in with him. What little pieces of my heart were left ... gone. Completely devastated. Somehow, he ropes me back in that weekend, though. I am crying in my bed, and he comes down to hold me... He asks me what is wrong, and picture this. We're in my bed - yes, fully clothed - and we're sitting so close to each other our lips are touching as we're talking. I tell him to put up his wall with me - I tell him things that I know will pull his heart strings... He starts to break and let me in... and my dad knocks on my door. They leave to stay at a hotel for the night. My dad and mom don't want us to see each other because of how much he hurt me and they warned me about him from the beginning. They respect that I'm an adult and they basically said to me, "I know you're old enough, I just hope you're strong enough." Well, that night, after our talk, I told my MM that he would regret losing me and pushing me away. He would regret putting up his wall with me. He said, "I already do," and he kissed me. Then he left... Dangling me on a string. My dad comes over from the hotel the next morning and I ask where my MM is and my dad tells me he's with the other woman... the one he was seeing in the last month of our relationship - after he thought I was cheating on him. I wanted to die. I wrote him a long letter, told him goodbye. Well, I've been back at school for about a month and a half now and I recently started playing an online game with my dad. Who else begins playing but my ex-MM. We start talking and basically I fed into him once again... only this time he's with someone else.

...
written by Here's One For Ya , 06 October, 2008

Someone he cheated on me with. I ask him how things at home are and he tells me "null." He says sweet things to me like I'm the only one who understands, who knows the real him... He told me he should have never went away that weekend. I told him that what happened was meant to be and that we both have our own personal demons that we have to work on. We are both trying to fill voids with the wrong people - find love in the wrong places. I have a void from the absence of my biological father. When I say "dad", I mean step dad. I have been trying to fill a void with the wrong people this entire time. I tell him that I saw his light and his true self trying to shine through, and it will some day and that I believe in him, but it's not the time nor the place for us. He says he agrees. He understands, and he knows I'm right. He tells me the same thing he always said... I'm in college, I deserve to have the time of my life, and I don't deserve to be stringing along some "old man."

...
written by Here's One For Ya , 06 October, 2008

I love the guy to death. Every woman that comes in contact with him does... To this day, I don't think there's an ex girlfriend of his that could turn him down. I was debating whether or not to say this, but what the hell? He's a veteran from Iraq. He's suffering PTSD, and a thing called "shame-rage." How do you describe those to someone? If you're really interested, just look it up. I really believe he's a scared, and vulnerable man. He lines women up because he's terrified of being alone, yet he has major trust issues so he keeps all of his relationships at arms length. This man let me in farther than anyone else... so he says... is that a line used a lot?... He talked about his experiences in Iraq with me, cried with me... talked about where his insecurities stem from. To this day, we remain friends. Through our online game, we started talking again and the other day he wanted to come visit me at college to have sex. He asked if I could handle it emotion wise and realize it was just sex. At first, I was like, HELL yeah. I yearned for him so badly. Then I thought about it more, and realized no, there was no possible way. This man made me want to die because of his response to my actions... He made me want to die because of the girl he is with now. I admit, I got my vengeance kick with it... I had my little "Ha!" when he wanted to come have sex with me, and he's with her... but now, I just feel pity. In the end, the girl he is with now... is just like me. Another girl roped in, that has probably truly fallen for him... for him to not have true feelings for her. It hurts. It hurts beyond agony... it creates a rage within you. At times I love to tell myself I really am the only girl who knows him. I love to tell myself it's not real with her, and it was real with me... it's just that we are on different levels in our lives right now that we can't be together. After he asked me if I wanted to have sex with him... that's when I realized it. I deserve better. I emailed him that night and I told him that I deserve better. I deserve someone that loves me as wholly and truly that I love him. I deserve someone that can give themselves to me. I deserve someone that wants to be with me. I deserve someone that really loves me. I am a beautiful person. I care about everyone. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I would help out my worst enemy. I like a lot of things most girls don't, but I love life and I always try to look at the positive side of things, and I deserve better. What did he do?

...
written by Here's One For Ya , 06 October, 2008

He wrote back. =) Told me that I do deserve better. He wants to change, and he can't stand himself for hurting me or the people he has and he doesn't know why he does it, or how to fix it. He told me that he doesn't want to cheat on his girlfriend... and it was a moment of weakness because of our connection. He loves me as a friend, and wants me to remain a friend because I know him better than anyone. I was strong enough about a week ago to let him go. Just stop talking to him... Let him go entirely. What happened? A lot. One night I wrote him a letter, which if anyone would like to read - email me at \n This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it '> This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it ... well, that night, he also got an email saying one of his best friends from the Marines had killed himself. Pull on my heart strings some more, would you God? The one thing that would get me... Suicide. I've had so many personal experiences... It is one thing that plays on my heart like no other. Is he lying about his friend committing suicide? Would he do that? It's sad I even have to ask. I don't think so... but then again, I've also learned in life some people will pull out all of the cards when they're in desperate need. He lost his wife, his children, now a friend has committed suicide. All he has now is this girl that moved in with him, and with her he feels empty. Has he ever felt anything but empty since he's been back? ... So anyway, this last weekend was pretty hard on me. I've been having some pretty bad thoughts myself. I find it hard to eat, sleep, and care about anything. It's not just this guy, but other things in my life wearing me down right now... So I decided to email him back and say that I am glad we are friends. I need a friend more than anything right now because he IS the only person who knows me. I confided so much in him, and likewise. I wrote him back and told him I need a friend very much right now. I am thinking of going home for the weekend (we only live 2 hours away from each other), but I am scared. Should I see him? I would love nothing more than for him to put the moves on me right now and me turn and look him in the eye and ask if he really thinks I don't deserve better. I think it would really wake him up. He goes on about how he can get all of his ex's back... he knows just what to say or do... I would love nothing more because I think it would be an eye-opener. Did I mention I fell in love with his kids as well? I love them very much as if they were my own.
Besides, I have this yearning to want to help him. To talk to him about his friend dying... All of it.

...
written by Here's One For Ya , 06 October, 2008

I've found out so much on PTSD. I am a firm believer in God, as I've been through a lot of traumatic experiences in life myself, and this last weekend I was praying what I should do - let him go, or be there...? ... I went to a sermon right after and the sermon was about helping people and leading them back into the light. Coincidence? I don't believe in coincidence. I believe everything happens for a reason, though. After the sermon, I came out to my car and what song was on the radio..."Believe" by Staind...a song he played me all of the time. . . I do believe in him. . . More than I've ever believed in anyone in my entire life. . . but as I read these they sound so familiar. "I've never felt this way toward anyone before."-"What we have is different." - I don't even honestly know if he would've left his wife on his own if I hadn't said anything... but that's where other things play into it. This man has a history of being with other women while him and his wife - girlfriend at the time - were on and off. He actually let some of those relationships carry into his marriage, and happened while he was with his wife. During those times, the women he was with at those times had gotten fed up much like some of you and had told his wife. He never denied sleeping with them, but he would always beg his wife to give him a second chance. His wife wasn't exactly a saint, either, and she would cheat on him. They were mainly in it for the children, and it wasn't until she knew she was really losing him these last four months that she's really clung on to him. Anyway, as I had mentioned earlier, he is a war vet. He was only in for four years, but he was a Marine, and infantryman. He saw some pretty gruesome things, and did some unspeakable things. Things a Soldier has to. He's still living with the pain and the guilt, the rage... all of to this day... but when we were just friends, he was drinking, smoking a lot, and doing speed. He was a workaholic... he would work doubles at work and then come home and work around his house until he would crash, and then he would only get 3-4 hours a night. Common signs of PTSD. He had done all of those things to excessive amounts with ex girlfriends of his. I learned this recently through talking to some of his ex's. While him and I were together... he barely drank. He barely smoked, and he went as far as quitting the speed. He got sleep, which he never did before, and he worked normal schedules. He seemed to have a light within him that everyone could see - even people such as his best friends would say he was glowing and he didn't smile like that with anyone else. Now that he's with this other woman, I found out that ever since we broke up he's back to smoking, drinking, doing speed, not sleeping... What does this all mean?... When he was staying at my house he took a ring I used to wear while we were together and slept with it by him. He denied taking my ring, and I wasn't meant to find it - I know I wasn't.
I really need help from a guy who has had the same type of tendencies. Do you think it was actually real with me?... There's so much to point out that it was. I think it was - at least until he thought I cheated on him and was going to run away. I think that slowly he has come to realize now that it was real, and he wants me back but we have mutually decided it's not our time and we both have our own demons to face before we find each other again.... Life is beautiful.

...
written by FedUpFedUp , 06 October, 2008

Trying to move on

If somebody loves you, they don't loose you so much. How could he do that to you?

Take that as a sign he wasn't meant.

Now do what you gotta do to work thru your emotions and decide what you really want as far as your husband or another life, but you don't need this guy.

Affairs often end disastrously cause 1 person is selfish enough to want both sides bread buttered.

Get over him, cry and move on.

Love
FedUpFedUp

...
written by FedUpFedUp , 06 October, 2008

Heres one for ya,

head for the hills

...
written by moving on , 08 October, 2008

I finally broke it off with my MM and I feel stronger as a person and better about myself. We women make it so hard to leave the relationship because we always hang on to this bit of hope to just maybe one day he will be mine. But it will never happen as long as we let them put us on sidelines. Its all in the mind, loose that hope because it does not exist. Be strong and look forward and not back. I went through so many painful experiences with my MM, but I put myself in my own hole because I could of avoided all the heart break. The other woman is only a vacation to MM, the wife is their work. Vacations are temporary remember, their wife is their home.

...
written by Clarise , 09 October, 2008

Hi Moving On,

The other woman is only a vacation to MM, the wife is their work. Vacations are temporary remember, their wife is their home.

Most profound. I have never heard it put quite so well.
BRAVO!!
Claire

...
written by Clarise , 09 October, 2008

Here's one For Ya,

I am in college. I am only 20 years old and I fell for a man quite a bit older than me. People already look down on that... Boy what was I thinking?

Not all but most 30 year old men would be delighted, shocked and taken back
by a 20-year-old college student interested in their life.
What were you thinking? We don't when men are concerned rather re-act
to something called need.
Claire

...
written by Clarise , 11 October, 2008

To Interesting Observation,

My MM is TRYING to get back in my life.
But he said he's a coward and cannot leave his home and children. What is going on with this jerk.

Why will he treat his wife like the Queen herself and me like chopped liver? You have wonderful insight and need your advice.

Much needed,
Claire

...
written by FedUpFed , 13 October, 2008

Claire, if he can't leave his wife he doesn't love you. He doesn't respect her either cause he wants 2 women at the same time.

Run before you feel stuck!

Show him who has the power for a change.

...
written by Red Rose , 14 October, 2008

Hi Claire! Thank you for your kind words that you wrote back in early Sept. However I wish to say that my MM is not only a cad but a spineless coward. I found out a few weeks ago that I was pregnant. I was extremely emotional because I found this out after we broke up. I was consumed with various emotions ranging from being extremely nervous, sadness and of course happy that I have this baby growing inside of me. A small miracle representing both of us and the loved we shared. Remember we were childhood sweethearts who found each other after more than 24 years apart. The only problem was his sick wife who had seizures and was extremely depressed. He became her roommate/ butler for the last ten years they slept apart. This was confirmed by his wife so I know it's true. He felt an obligation to her so we broke up. So I sat broken hearted night after night crying myself to sleep. I was cursing fate for bringing the love of my life back to me, my one true destiny, only to deny both of us happiness. Than I started to feel sick to my stomach/vomiting and lightheaded. All the symptoms I recognized as pregnancy. I took a home test with trembling hands...positive. I made a doctors appointment and had it confirmed. I talked to several friends about it, cried both tears of joy and sadness. I thought long and hard about telling my MM not because I wanted to keep the baby from him because he hurt me, but because I truly didn't want to cause him anymore angst by burdening him. My friends, including two different men told me I needed to tell him, he had the right to know and be part of his child's life. So I called him, he was busy at work and it didn't seem like a good time. I then emailed and he called me...The man (MY DESTINY), who I loved for years,and who had asked me to marry him when I was younger and again 2 months ago...treated me like a one night stand that he met a bar...Asked me if I was sure I was pregnant and if I was sure it was his and asked how it happen, DUH, the old fashion way I said, we had sex and yes we used a condom each time but accidents happen. Yes, I realized he was in shock and was entitled to ask these questions...I was willing to cut him some slack but it was his tone with me that got to me...than he said you know I am not ready for a baby, and told me he had no intentions on leaving his wife. I was totally stunned, I said I didn't asked you to leave your wife. I am telling you that I am pregnant with your child, He again said I am not ready for a child...with you or anybody else. I said that's too bad because I am having YOUR child whether your ready or not...It's a done deal, one which I didn't complete myself. Oh and by the way your a 45 year old man not a boy. What do you mean your not ready? You have a biological son who is 22 years old. And 21 year old stepson.
Well my mm asked me if I was going to keep the baby. I said I didn't believe in abortion and he said neither did he. He than asked if I gave any thought to adoption. I told him adoption was a great unselfish act made by different mothers & fathers for different personal reasons and that I greatly admired their choice it wasn't something I wanted to pursue. I wanted to keep the baby...With that he sighed and said well like I said that isn't an option for me...silence until I heard his wife in the background...I said oh do you need to go because she was there and he said no she has been here since the beginning of our conversation, I told my wife as soon as I got your email. More silence I said you know I don't have all the answers nor did I do this all by myself. Again he said how he wasn't ready for a child...I said does that mean your willing to sign over all your paternal rights legally and never have anything to do with your child? He replied, "YES, Absolutely! I felt like someone hit me with a sledge hammer...MY SWEET MM and all the OBLIGATION he felt towards his wife and he has none towards his unborn child or myself...The pain I feel is unmeasurable. The man I loved and was planning a life with is a COLD HEARTED BASTARD. The irony is I was torn in telling him in the first place because I wanted to spare him any angst in dealing with this situation...I didn't want him to be depressed about his situation with his wife. Stupid I know, he didn't even give it a 5 minute consideration. What's the old saying just because someone is a character doesn't mean he has CHARACTER.
I am so crushed! Any suggestions or thoughts would be appreciated!

Red Rose

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written by humbled , 14 October, 2008

Whew. So if I start this post by saying that I love him, he is my soulmate, we were meant for each other, I guess I might as well cut and paste from your posts. Short summary: we dated as pre-teens, whatever that means, reconnected at 17/18, I broke his heart because I wanted to be unencumbered. He said he'd let me explore and would wait. Cut off all contact with him. Honestly, acted like a b____, as only an 18 year old girl can do. He had flown out for a visit while I was in college (we'd already planned it) and I refused to see him. I just handled it badly. 2 years later, met my husband. Began to realize after 6 years that maybe we were not meant to be, but within a month (life's irony) realized I was pregnant. So,threw myself into it again. And was happy. Or so I thought. Woke up one day and realized I was done. Had a dream about the ex and (shoot me now) looked him up. Emailed, spoke, met, and the affair began. He was unhappily married- he finally got married after I had been married for 5 years, heard from my family that I was very happy, etc. He and his wife had young children. Same for me. After a year and a half I left my husband, I just couldn't do it anymore. Didn't leave "for him". I felt that I was losing myself by staying in a marriage that made me unhappy. 6 months into the MM affair he realized that his sense of obligation and commitment to his family would not allow him to leave. We agreed to enjoy it while it lasted. And his guilt has made him pull away more often than my dissatisfaction has, but we always return. So, now that I have been separated for a year, I realize I need more. Or realize that I should need more and shouldn't get stuck in this endlessly. But here is my dilemma. I can't seem to stay angry. I get angry, and he doesn't even have to beg, I forgive so easily. And I am generally a fighter. But then I am so pleased to see this generous part of my nature, the part that is so unselfishly loving and forgiving, that I pat myself on the back (while I'm banging my head against the wall). How do you hold on to the anger long enough to cut off all contact? And, I realize I sound pathetic but in the nature of honesty, how do you overcome the fear that he won't pursue you (even if you have no intention of responding, the idea that he would give up or be relieved is like a knife in the heart)?
He is miserable, I am realizing that I cannot save him, and that I need to save myself. But how do you find the motivation and drive to put your foot down and keep it down? Should I mention that I love him, that I believe he and I are destined to be together, and that life will continue to throw us into eachother's paths until we finally take the hint?! Can you imagine that as smart as I am in real life I honestly believe that?
So, that is my heart splayed open...

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written by FedUpFed , 14 October, 2008

to Red Rose: Sorry gurl. that's just too much. and that his wife was there all the while! bummer. If he was so dedicated to his wife, why in the first place! I suppose men must use a woman, but woe to us who are the used! I just hate the whole concept.


Humbled, move on with your life. Keep even forgiving, but someone said something profound, that even I found a hard time coming around:

The other woman is only a vacation to MM, the wife is their work. Vacations are temporary remember, their wife is their home.

If you really are meant, things should work in such a way that your both available at the time of hooking up. That's all I want to settle for.

Thanx

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written by Red Rose , 14 October, 2008

Dear Humbled,

Wow! I feel like I could have written this myself. Our stories are so much like it's uncanny...the only difference is that his child is grown and his wife is sick. He talked about his OBLIGATION to her like he was drowning and was too weak to reach for the life preserver being thrown him. Most people who I know consider me to be both level headed and smart...HMM I sure don't feel that way now. We both knew these men from our past. I had the approval of his entire family and friends (excluding his wife and 21 year old step son)About the same time his wife found out about us, his biological son age 22, asked if he could stay with them for a maxium of three months. He needed to move and needed to save up for 1st month rent and security. He has a job and is going to collage. Well my MM didn't even consider that and told him you know son, now isn't a good time because I screwed up had an affair and your stepmom just found out, so things are tense here. His son said well Dad I am shocked. He said I know son I let everyone down by doing this and I know your disappointed in me. His son said, No dad that's not it at all...I didn't know you could still call what you did an affair...because you and my stepmother haven't been husband and wife for over ten years. I thought she moved back because of her health and for financial reasons, you sleep in separate rooms, she never comes to anything family related and never goes out with you unless it's the casinos. He than said dad, I was wondering why you seemed so happy lately? His son asked if he loved me he said yes. He said, than dad what is the problem? My MM said you know son things aren't that simple. I am a man who dug a whole so deep for myself I can't get out of it? His son asked why? He told his son he made a promise to his wife and to her child to be there for them. And that when a man makes a promise he has an obligation to fulfill that. His son replied but dad look around, my stepbrother is 21, can't keep a job. living here with you and his mother. My MM said so what's the point. His son replied even prisoners get paroled.
My MM told me he loved me, wanted a future with me asked me to marry him, just trust him...I did! I just want to know why he doesn't feel any obligation to his unborn child or myself? What about the promises he made me? Even as I sit here wondering this...I too still love him... how pathetic I feel for even saying that. The lesson I learned is take care of yourself first. Even though he may say he loves you and this very well could be true, make no mistake we will never be first in his life as long as he has a wife at home. Oh just because he's depressed and unhappy doesn't mean we can fix him!

Take Care,
Red Rose

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written by Red Rose , 14 October, 2008

To Fed UP,
Thank you for your comment. I know I should have listened to that inner voice telling me to slow down and wait. All the things he wrote and told me over and over again about how unhappy he was in his marriage that wasn't a marriage but an arrangement. Still I never thought of him as lying because I had confirmation from both his family and friends that all the things he said were true. He didn't try to hide the fact from family or friends that he was not only seeing me but in love with me as well. He even told is wife that. She said if it was just the sex it would be ok but because he loved me she didn't want him to see me...then she had a 20 minute seizure that she said was the stress of him being in love with me. Oh he said he couldn't put her thru the stress of a divorce and even though his family is dysfunctional he couldn't leave them. She also told him that if she wasn't sick she probably wouldn't be there in the first place...huh? She also has no means to support herself. Okay so we broke up and I cried and cried and then found out I was pregnant. I was so distressed about adding to his burden that I consider not telling him...only to be told that was wrong. I tell him...not so he would leave his wife(because I do realize that was just a dream we once shared or thought we did) but because I thought he might want to have some kind of role in his child's life. You know like the devoted, caring dad he is to her son. But than I had a life bulb moment it is only his stepson not his biological son that he's been a great dad too. All his son's life he has been on the outside looking in...he even was in denial when his biological son was conceived...but eventually came around. Which now I find funny in itself because he waited less than a year to play daddy to someone else's kid but not his own. Hell even now his own son was turned away when asking to stay with him for a few months. But when we were making plans to have our life together, he asked about getting a large enough house to accommodate his step son so he wouldn't feel like he was being thrown out. Mind you his step son has a very good relationship with his own father and wouldn't be homeless. Although I don't think anyone would let him free load off them like my MM does? Whew I wish that I had this realization way before things got hot and heavy...It's obvious to me that even though he is a big strapping 6'5 man he is really weak in his mind, heart and soul. But what do I tell this sweet child of mine when the time comes and she or he asks about their DADDY. What should I say since he doesn't want any part of their lives. How could a man seem so noble and be a total coward at the same time?

Red Rose

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written by Clarise , 15 October, 2008

Hi Fed Up,

Claire, if he can't leave his wife he doesn't love you. He doesn't respect her either cause he wants 2 women at the same time.

Indeed he does not understand real love. What is so demeaning is that he expects me to believe me when he mentioned they don't have sex any more.
That was some time ago. He must be losing it and goofed. "We only have sex now and then."

My husband passed and it has been difficult w/o him. I know now REAL love. He suffered with Parkinson's and I am grateful he forgave me.

Yet, I could tell when he looked at me with such a pained expression; I let him down. There is always that sense of abandonment a spouse is left with and it sucks. BECAUSE I was a jerk to spend one week visiting my cousin in England.

HAH!!! See how easy it is to lie when our hormones are in charge.
I am my own worst enemy. Concerning my mm I love him I hate him.

It is so easy to give advise and wonder WHO AM I?
RIGHT NOW PROBABLY VULNERABLE.

Thanks for your kindness and understanding. We've all had our share of heartbreak in our life

Blessings.
Claire

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written by some wisdom , 16 October, 2008

Claire,
I'm sorry for your loss. There is strength in time and the most important thing is that your husband forgave you. Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself, you seem like a very caring and loving person.

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written by Trying to move on , 17 October, 2008

How could I be so stupid. As I said before my relationship with my MM has been over a little over 1/mo. He tells me they are going to counseling to see if they can make the marriage work. Well I guess they made it work pretty quickly because they are on a baby making trip to New York this week. I hate that everyone I work with thinks he and I are best friends so they tell me everything that goes on with him. It only makes it harder to try and forget about him when he is not only in my face everyday, but I also get the play by play's of his life from everyone around.

I believed him all the times he said he loved me. And how he was starting to hate everything about her that he loves about me. I thought what we had was real, but now I know exactly what I was to him, a conquest. I think he just needed to prove to himself that he could get a younger woman. And I was able to fill in the things he was missing at home. But now that it is time to get real again she gets to start a family with him, while I go thru ending my marriage all alone. I feel terrible for what I did to my husband, he deserved better than how I handled things. I hope someday he can forgive me, even though I am finding it hard to forgive myself.

I wish women could come and read these blogs before getting involved with a MM. I lived in a fantasy for over 1 year with mine and if I had only read all of your stories sooner I might have been able to walk away before getting emotionally attached.

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written by Just ended it... , 18 October, 2008

This article is one of the best that I've read that entirely explains my situation. I'm a married woman who had a relationship with a married man for four years. We fell in love - there is no doubt about that. But, his attachment to his wife and family overshadows this. I understand - I truly do. I don't like it, but I have decided it's for the best to end it and for him to work on his marriage. Unfortunately, it's too late for me. I'm on the path to divorce, but am looking forward to opening up myself for a new relationship sometime down the road once I've had time to discover what I truly want. Best of luck to the rest of you. Discover the strength that you have within to do what I've done. It may take longer than you think (I tried breaking up 3 times before), but when the time comes - you'll know.

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written by young-and-in-love , 19 October, 2008

Here we go.. This is my story.
I think that mine is a little more unique than most of yours on here, believe me.. I read them ALL (took me days! haha). The reason I say the relationship I have with my MM is different is because it is strictly emotional. This sounds stupid, but I met him online. This hasn't been going on long.. for about 5 months now. He is also quite a bit older than me (when I say 'a bit', I really mean A LOT! 16 years). I'm 19 and he is 35. Other than that, not much separates me from the rest of you. I am madly in love with this man and truly believe that we were meant to be. I've known he was married (with 2 kids) from day 1. He has always been completely honest with me - so he says. Call me naive, but i truly believe him (or I guess REALLY REALLY want to believe him. He has never said that they don't have sex. He tells me that their sex life isn't good. That, on the rare occasion they sleep together, she's like 'k, hurry up!' and says other condescending things. But, from all these other posts that I have read, she probably isn't as bad as he makes her seem. The thing is, this all started as friends. It just grew into something completely unexpected. So really, he wouldn't really need to lie to me about that stuff, especially when I was just a friend that was there to talk to him about that kind of stuff and not be judged. He says that she's an amazing mom.. they just don't have the chemistry they had before (they were high school sweethearts - been together since they were 16) I think because of their history, and their kids.. he'll never leave. Sometimes he says he wants to, but he doesn't want to hurt his kids. yea, yea. The thing is, I have never even told him I think he should leave or anything along those lines. When he tells me about their fights, I do not automatically take his side. I try to get him to understand her point of view also and I think he really admires that from me. It shows my maturity and selfless-ness(?) In a weird kind of way, I suppose. He does talk about our future on a regular basis, whereas I NEVER bring it up. He once asked me if I wanted kids and at that point I told him I wasn't sure - probably not. He was really upset and says I would be such a great step-mom to his kids. He tells me he loves me constantly and says all the right things just like everyone else's story here. So I'll skip all of that.
I think what he lack's in his marriage is the emotional side. He says that whenever he's feeling bummed out about something, he doesn't get the support at home. She says 'It'll be okay, you'll be fine' whereas I try and come up with a solution and do all my power to comfort him and I know he really appreciates it. Thing is, he could by lying. It probably isn't that bad. Who knows?
I read multiple times in these posts that father-daughter relationships really come in the play here. My dad and I haven't spoken in over a year. He basically cut me out completely after a huge fight at which point I moved out. Does anybody think this has anything to do with it? He too, has issues with his father. His adoptive step-father and he has never met his biological.
I know that I should end it. But I can't.. I can, I wont. Like a alcoholic, you have to WANT to get better. I think I probably just have to learn the hard way, well see.
I guess I just have that 'what if..' feeling. My father cheated on my mom and left her for this other woman. They have been together for about 10 years now. I also know people where it has worked. I know that it isn't looking good, but I want it so badly.

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written by Clarise , 19 October, 2008

Some Wisdom,

Thank you for such kind words at such a difficult time. Too bad I didn't have such wisdom some time ago when I gave myself to a man who belongs to another.

My daughters and son have been amazingly supportive. They know little of this man in the U.K. Only that I took a vacation to visit relatives.

Seeing I do have three cousins and an elderly aunt in Essex, England it was not a total lie.

But I have to live with the guilt.
Forgive myself is an ongoing motion of repulsion.
What was I thinking? What have I done? ~ to I hate him for being such a coward.

I am free and he chooses not to be; as if I would trust him. NEVER.

Once again your kindness gets me through the rough parts.
Claire

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written by Clarise , 19 October, 2008

Red Rose,

You shared

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written by humbled , 19 October, 2008

Someone said something to me today that I have been mulling over so I will put it out to all of you. She said that it is true that married men rarely leave their wives, when they do they almost always have someone waiting (that would be us, I suppose), and they tend to do it only if they feel they are losing the other woman. That she is pulling away, moving forward without him. He sees what is sometimes the only joy in his life disappearing, and that might get him moving. This won't happen with an ultimatum. Just with moving away kindly.
I have been looking for a way to motivate to move on, as "Young-and-in-love" said, you have to want to do it. So this might do it for me... Best case scenario, I move forward and look for my own relationships, he comes after me when he is free & clear, worst case scenario, I move forward and he doesn't come after me, but I've moved forward so hopefully won't have the intense hurt I would have now.
Now I'll wait for all of you to weigh in... and see if my heart will follow my head's lead for once.

-Humbled

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written by Clarise , 20 October, 2008