| I think I caught my boyfriend cheating |
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Season’s Greetings to anyone out there, and best wishes for the coming year. First of all, excuse me if my English is not perfect, as it is not my mother tongue. I will do my best to express myself as clearly as possible. Also, my story may be a bit too long, but it’s been torturing me for awhile now, so there’s a lot to tell. I hope somebody will be able to say something that will help me out of this one. Almost four years ago I met the man who is now my mate (he’s 50, and I’m 39). I felt very attracted to him from the start. He had been married twice before and has a son by his first wife, but for the rest he seemed to have everything I had been looking for –– he came across as a good man, loving and caring, despite his occasional strong temper. The beginnings were a bit stormy, as they sometimes are, especially as we get older and burnt out from past failed relationships. After just a fortnight seeing each other, he suddenly called me to break up one day, with no apparent reason, as things seemed to me as fine as they can be at that stage. This hurt me deeply, and made me feel very insecure. However, I tried to be brave, concealed my sadness, and just let him go… And to my surprise, after a couple of weeks he just came back, all by himself, enthusiastic and ready (so he said) to start something “real.” After that, things seemed to run smoothly, although he was a little too insistent. I was working extremely hard at the time at a very stressful job; I had a thyroid condition that wasn’t helping at all either, and he insisted on seeing me nearly every day, at least for a little while. That somewhat bothered me, because I’m very independent, and I even felt a bit smothered sometimes. However, as I was really interested in him, and above all I didn’t want to hurt his feelings and was really committed to the relationship, I just tried to take it as part of his personality and played along as best I could. (I feel so stupid about it now!). We had started going out in April 03, and that same summer I agreed to go on vacation with him and his kid––upon his insistence mainly, as I wasn’t too sure, and to me it seemed a bit early. Nevertheless, things turned out alright, or so it seemed then. Vacation was peaceful, we enjoyed, talked a lot about couples, love, faithfulness, among many other things, and he seemed happy, and, as he would say, in love. Timed passed, and by the start of winter he started talking about marriage. I was still at my job, which was by then killing me due to the stress I was under; he suggested that I quit and relax a little. He was offering me the opportunity of an easier life, and, for the first time I decided to take it. And, actually, not only because of me, but mainly because I thought this man deserved a woman who was not half dead every day after work and at weekends when we were together. He earns his living well, and I could just continue to work at a more relaxed pace from home, freelancing. And, why not? We could marry. Time for happiness seemed to have come at last! Sure. After meditating the decision, I finally left my job on January 04. Soon thereafter, one day while at his house, I was looking for a pen in a drawer and found a piece of paper. Nothing special about it, but for some reason I was drawn to take it and unfold it. It was an invoice from a hotel located just two blocks down, dated on the day after we had returned from our vacation. I didn’t really think it that important at first, at least not consciously. So I just left it where I found it, in an effort to make myself believe that maybe it was related to work. I thought it could also be his first wife, who at the time was moving, and still didn’t have her house. Its crazy how silly we can be sometimes, trying to mask the truth from ourselves to prevent it from tearing us apart… However, as I hard as I tried to forget, that invoice kept popping up in my mind... So one night that I stayed at his house, I got up in while he was sleeping and went to look at his cell phone. My heart was pounding at an incredible speed. I felt bad for snooping into his telephone, but, to my dismay, I found what I had unconsciously been looking for. There were two recent messages he’d sent to a female work colleague (his assistant manager). One of them said “I love you very much” and the other “You look very pretty today.” This woman is married and has two kids, which, in ethical terms, made things even worse for me. Needless to say, I had a horrible night. I said nothing the next morning, and just went back to my house as I usually did on Mondays. I felt like my whole world was falling apart. Although I couldn’t be certain of anything, I’m very intuitive, so sadly, very sadly, deep inside I knew. I let the week go by, while I cried and cried all day. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep. I didn’t even feel the urge to drink water! We had arranged to meet for dinner that Friday. As I was approaching his house, I saw him from afar at the door, playing with his cell phone. He seemed to be writing a message. He was so concentrated he didn’t see me come up to him. His expression was of total surprise when he saw me. He quickly put his phone away, we went up into the house, and he went straight to the bathroom (to continue sending his message, I suppose; he hadn’t even taken off his coat!). God, I wanted to cry so bad. I still said nothing, although I was falling to pieces and ready to burst into tears. As we walked to the restaurant, I finally confronted him with the issue (I still said nothing about the invoice). I first apologized for spying on him, told him what I had found, and he started telling me that it was an old story that he was dragging and had been trying to end properly. He obviously thought I didn’t know who the woman was, because there were no names in the messages (I had to look at his name list, number by number until I found it, which fortunately didn’t take very long). To prevent him from making a fool of himself and getting tangled in an unending ridiculous lie, which I could see he was about to start, I told him not to bother, because I already knew who the messages were for, and left him right there and then. The pain and the shock I was feeling was so sharp I can’t even find the words to describe it, but I’m sure everyone here knows what it’s like. He wouldn’t stop calling me for days and weeks, begging for forgiveness and asking me for a chance to explain; he said he loved me, that the story had already ended, that he wanted to marry me and so on…. I was still trying to decide what to do about the invoice (maybe it was just my imagination, I kept telling myself), afraid that I would make a big mistake if I asked. But I just felt I had to find out, so upon his insistence, I finally agreed to meet with him and talk. When we finally saw each other, he told me that the story with that woman had begun while on a business trip a few months before he had met me; apparently, she was having troubles with her marriage; that they both knew it was doomed from the start and somehow wanted to end it; that the physical part was already agonizing and had ended when he met me, but that adjusting afterwards was very difficult and delicate because they worked so closely, and had to continue to do so, and had known each other for over 12 years. And that’s basically the reason he gave me for the messages, although he seemed very vague about everything. Then, suddenly I managed to muster up the courage to inquire about the invoice. He was shocked at first, as he took him completely by surprise. When he regained his composure (which happened quickly), he coldly replied that the invoice belonged to a friend of his who was having an affair with someone, and whom he had to “bail out” of a hotel one day because he had lost his credit card. That did it! Such treacherous lie turned grief into indignation; however, once again I patiently asked him for the truth, telling him that no one could ever believe such a fairy tale. He finally admitted he met with her at the hotel that morning; he said that she had been calling him all summer and wanted to see him badly; that she knew I had come into the scene and wanted him back. He painted it as he had been somewhat forced to go, out of respect for their friendship (but what about respect for me?), he said that they had breakfast in the room, no sex, that they talked, and that the relationship finally ended on that day when he told her he wanted to have a life with me. But again, he hardly gave any details, saying it was shameful for him to talk about it, and I didn’t press. I was confused, and so sad to find out that my suspicions were true... I no longer knew who this man really was. I couldn’t take anymore, I couldn’t talk anymore about it, so I took of and went to my sister’s for a while (she lives in another city), where I could cry my heart out in peace. He kept calling and calling, again begging for forgiveness, telling me that I would make a big mistake if I left him, that we had a life to live together; that he would make it up if I just let him. I asked him to please allow me time to think things over and grieve at my own pace. Doubts about his moral principles were troubling me deeply––going to bed with someone who’s married and with two kids, during working hours, while at the same time playing with my life, my heart, my whole life…? I may have not been a paradigm of virtue in the past myself, but I finally learned some important lessons from trial and error in my life, and some issues pertaining to what’s right and wrong are now quite clear in my mind. After a few weeks he just turned up at my sister’s house. We talked, cried, and in the end I decided to give him a second chance, although so many things remained unanswered, and aware that it would be very difficult to live with the fact that they continued to see each other every day. The truth is he’s been really good to me all this time; but the fact that he was just as wonderful to me at the time all that story was going on is just what makes it all so confusing. He’s asked me to marry him several times, but I’ve been suffering from terrible anxiety and can’t seem to forget, no matter how hard he tries. Although I love him, I feel the trust is gone forever. I just wish this had never happened. I even thought I maybe deserved it for having been unfaithful in a relationship once (I’ve felt guilty about it ever since). I’m still living with the oppressive feeling that I never got the whole story; the pieces just don’t fit. Could it be that my imagination is running wild? Did they or did they not make love that day at the hotel? (That means a world of difference, and it’s hard to believe they didn’t). What was really his intention when he left me at his house that morning and went to meet with her at a hotel just around the corner? If it was really to break up, couldn’t they have met somewhere else? Why didn’t he respect me? Who is he really? Making a very big effort, I can understand a certain degree of overlapping at the beginning, but was their relationship really agonizing by then, or was it––and continued to be until I discovered everything––as alive as ever? Was I maybe second choice for him? If he really put an end to the relationship on that day, and she was so devastated by it as he said, why did they continue exchanging messages? I just blew up again one day a few weeks ago, triggered by a very upsetting nightmare in which I kept finding this woman hiding in our closets… I’m very confused. I’ve asked him once again for the whole truth. He feels that I want to humiliate him, and keeps saying what the told me was the truth. Can somebody help me see? What does all this speak about him? Am I paranoid? Am I right to keep insisting? I just feel I need the truth it, as a matter of justice. Surely, I resent him for what he did, but I don’t want the truth just because I’m seeking vengeance. I just feel that this matter is standing between us––apart from the fact that she’s still there physically, which is already hard enough––, and he’s the only one who can fix this situation he created by means of a full confession that could maybe give peace to both of us. I think that once I know what it is I have to forgive, I might be able to. I’m living in a cloud of suspicion, distress and anguish that is destroying me, and I’m not sure about anything anymore. I can’t go on like this. Thanks for any advice. Response: Sorry to hear about your situation. Unfortunately, it brings to mind the Cheater’s Paradox. When someone gets caught cheating, rather than admit what they have done, they take the evidence presented against them and twist it into an unbelievable story. More often than not, this works because people would rather believe an outlandish tale rather than deal with the truth (see, cheater’s paradox). Essentially, the Cheater’s Paradox forces you between being naïve, or being the victim of an affair. This may help explain why you feel as you do. Your boyfriend is placing you into an impossible situation, and it's not fair. But, now that your trust has been damaged, it is important to find out what happened. Rebuilding trust is impossible to do without the facts about what transpired. Without the facts, you’ll always have doubts, making it difficult to trust again. At the same time, however, it may not be in your boyfriend's interest to tell you the truth, making this issue difficult to resolve. Counseling is often required to help couples work through these types of issues. And counseling, even on your own, is the best way to resolve this impasse (see, recovering from infidelity). But more importantly, it may also help to consider that your boyfriend’s version of love may be different from your own. Some people think that love is based on understanding and respect, while some people view love as a game; a game where the goal is to control and manipulate other people’s emotions (see, ludus). It may very well be that your boyfriend likes to play games when it comes to love. If that is the case, there is not much you can do about it. Moreover, people who play games when it comes to love, rarely own up to it, so there is little use in talking about it. Finally, most people do not check into a motel room for breakfast. Feeling paranoid or crazy is all a part of the Cheater’s Paradox. People who play games and cheat often try to manipulate their lovers into believing the foolish and absurd. We wish we had more encouraging advice to offer. Comments
(21)
Dealing with pain
written by Expert , 03 January, 2007
The end of any relationship can be a devastating experience. And many people avoid breaking-up in order to avoid the awful feelings that it causes. So, our best advice is to talk to a counselor in order to help you work through this experience. Taking a break will help you gain some perspective, hopefully allowing you to make decisions that are in your best interest. Fear of breaking-up often prevents people from fixing problems that need to be addressed. We wish you the best...
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written by Jen46 , 04 January, 2007
Maria - is that your name? my name is Jennifer. You and I could be twins. I too was in a relationship very similar to yours. We did go to counseling and he did change and changed the very things that were a problem. I NEVER NEVER thought I could get over the hurt he brought onto me from cheating. He went to counseling and I joined him a few times. Hearing from an outsider and understanding my feelings from a different perspective besides mine really helped. We are together and its gotten a lot better. I am I can say 'almost' completely healed. It took a long time to heal though. For me it was four years, but he kept doing things that I felt were inappropriate - flirting, talking to females on the phone - that would resurface his affair to me and would start the whole evil process over again. After counseling he finally 'got' it. That you can't have your cake and eat it too and if I'm worth it - if your worth it to this guy - he will change for you. If he won't, then he wasn't ever going to be a good husband to you - and would you want to be married to someone that isn't worthy of you. I don't. Sure, we've talked about marriage, but I am in no hurry and perhaps a couple years from now, well maybe. We'll just have to see. I hope I've helped. I know what your going through and its gut ripping. Time does help and hopefully you and your guy can see a counselor that will help him see more clearly what he needs to see. YOU.
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More on Caught my boyfriend cheating
written by Maria Monte , 04 January, 2007
Hi again, and thanks again.
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Things are not improving much for me, although I appreciated the fact that at least he was courageous enough to give an ugly part of the truth, as much as it hurt to discover that he was the hunter. Do hunters change? He appears to be ashamed (I use the word "appear" because I'm not sure of what I see anymore). He says he knows he acted like a fool, and that having been disastrously married twice, he wasn't really sure of what he was doing by the time he started going out with me (although he made me believe he was). I guess he wanted the best of both worlds. But that frightens me... Can one just hunt for excitement at a given moment in his life, maybe because he is confused, or is there a great risk he will always be "confused" and thus hunt? I asked him to leave his job and maybe get counseling together. I understand changing jobs is very, very difficult for him, as he currently has a good position as CEO. Is it fair for me to ask such thing? Would that help at this stage? He's even offered to put a house he owns in the country under my name (I never asked, he just came up with it), whether or not we get back together, as a sort of compensation and to give me a bit of financial security--he's aware that leaving my job meant a big decrease in my income, which at the time I didn't mind because my prospect was a nice dream and not this nightmare. In any case, material aspects are not the most important to me right now, even though I'm not in a very good situation. Does all this really mean anything? Is he trying to buy me or to quiet his conscience? I just don't know what I really feel or what I'm even supposed to feel anymore. The cold blood in which he did and said things in the past have left me unable to see who he really is anymore. I don't think he's a compulsive liar or a cheater by nature, but again, maybe I prefer to think. Is he? I'm very sad and upset. I forgot to say in my first letter that during all this time, I had been seeing a psychiatrist, but that didn't seem to help. All he told me is that I should just forget about the whole thing and stick with him, because statistics said that most people cheat. Meanwhile I kept craving for the truth and popping all kinds of pills for anxiety because I just couldn't manage to live, sleep or eat. To my surprise, he didn't even realize he was the cause for all this until I told him a few days ago. I'm amazed at his lack of awareness or sympathy or whatever you may call it. I think he's just now beginning to slightly understand the magnitude of what he did. Any more advice as to where I should go from here? Thanks again for being there. Maria report abuse
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Thank you, Jen
written by Maria Monte , 04 January, 2007
Jen,
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Thank you for sharing your story with me. It does help. A lot. Because it gives me hope and something more to consider besides just obsessing over this whole thing. I'm glad your story is working out. I'm still not sure whether mine will. Still trying to decide if I really want to give him a chance. At least I am beginning to see clearly that if there is a way at all at this point, it can only be through counseling, because we cannot talk normally anymore. I'm too hurt and he feels attacked. Thanks again to all and regards, Maria report abuse
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Don't
written by Tamara2 , 06 January, 2007
Don't spend another day, week, or year tied to a liar. No matter what else he may be, he is a liar and a cheat. Yes, people make mistakes and people change as you yourself did. But how many times did the victim of your deceit confront, accuse, and beg for the truth? And how many times did you dole out tiny warped pieces, or outright lies? Was your victim in the process of giving up and changing their entire life for you? Was it a one-night fling that you will carry the shame from forever, or was an ongoing game that you enjoyed playing under the nose and behind the back of the one devoted to you? Maybe that seems harsh, but if you had done this to him and the roles were exactly reversed, would you be irritated if he brought it up or asked you not to spend days at a time with adulteress who "threw himself" at you? Does he cry every day at what a shameful creature he is or tell you to get iver it? Basically, he owes you more than a house. He owes you all the therapy bills, medical bills, loss of wages, and whatever else it takes to get your self esteem to the point that you don't hesitate to tell him to go to hell where he belongs. Money does not buy you the right to treat people like idiots. And no I'm not a bitter man-hater. I'm happily married for 12 years with three children and My husband has never cheated and I snoop always. But he knows that so much as a kiss and its over, because I hold myself to the same standard. I feel for you but you have the power to be happy.
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Second Chance
written by Cynthia K , 08 January, 2007
I want to Thank you for your post, as sad as it is to read stories about cheaters. I really hope everything works out for the best. I believe there is a reason for everything. I can relate to your situation. I won't go in to it. I think people deserve second chances. Counseling is a wise idea.
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Our stories re so much alike
written by Mayra , 08 January, 2007
I want to thank you for writing that story. I am experiencing the same thign right now. Let me give you a recap. I have never been a jealous person. I never check up on him, never check his cell phone bill (and I am the one who handles sending the bills) I never thingk twice about where he is or why he get's out of work later because his schedule is not a set one. But two days ago I was going through his cell phone and I saw this nukber that just didn't seem right and I called it. I was not going to talk I justwanted to hear the voice on the other end. To my surprise it was a message that said her name and that person was his ex girlfriend was highschool! My herart dropped. I helt like everything in my life had changed completely. I was no longer the same. If the calls were only incoming it would not have been a problem but he was also calling her. I cannot imagine what he needs to be talking to someone for 120 minutes about.The calls were made on sundays, in the daytime while he was working, weekday evenings while I am at work. The ones in the morning were made while I was in school. How did she know my whole schedule? When he came home I was not going ot ask because my only evidence was a cell phone bill, but I could not wait. I asked if he had anything to tell me and he said no, I asked how long had he been talkign to her and he said 2 months. I was appalled nt only becaue he kept this from me, but because if the situation had been reversed he would have flipped, even kick me out. He said it was nothing that he talked toher because he felt sorry for her, that her life was a mess and he felt in a sense like it was his fault. Was I suppose to be sorry for her? He said that if anything was going on he would be trying to hide the bill cause he knows I see them, and that he would have told her to block the number, in other words that he had nothing to hide so he didn't try. But yet if he ahd nothign to hide he would not have kept it from me right? He said that the worst thing about this is that I am going to lose his trust and we are going to start having problems. I had decided that I was going cancel and the bills and take my name off the bank card, and move out today and just leave him a note. But now I am having second thoughts. I am not sure that he cheated but who can guarantee that he didn't? I can't ask him because obviously he cannot be trusted, and I can't ask her becaue dhe'll probably say what ever he wants her to say. I am so hurt because I lost something. I lost the piece of mind that helped me live worry free. How can Iever get that back.I started to feel selft hatred for myself. I have been in the self hatred mode before and I don't want to feel like that. I don't deserve to be. I do everythign for him. I do allthe cooking, all the cleaning, the laundry, the shopping, the errands, we have great intimacy. I just don't see where I went wrong. I don't know what I am going to do, but I will tell you one thing, I am not going to live for the rest of my life checking up and wondering whether he is talking to her or with her.
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to mayra
written by MMonte , 08 January, 2007
Mayra,
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Consider this: if they had been seeing each other, maybe they would have done so at the times the calls were made instead of just talking. I know that the fact that he did it behind your back is most disturbing, but maybe it was, yes, just talk. I sometimes talk to ex partners, usually not in front of my current partner because I know he wouldn't be amused, and occasionally I even go out to lunch with one in particular (once a year maybe?). But I always let him know about it, because there's nothing to hide. Of course, every case is different. It is true guys can be so inconsiderate, or rather stupid I should say, as to not to hide the evidence of an infidelity. But this may not be your case. Calm down and think, can he account for most of the time he's away from home? Try to find out her work schedule and then figure out the opportunities they may have had. Try to put the pieces together first and see it they fit; without being too negative, listen to your gut feeling also. It is usually very clear. It may also help to listen to his version afterwards, see if it makes sense. In others words: whatever you decide, let it be based on something real. Otherwise you may also have regrets later. If, after all, you decide to go on, make sure you let him know clearly how this makes you feel, set things straight and set some rules that you can both live by--including sharing house chores. You don't need to be doing everything for him! Some people would even advise confronting the girl (without losing your composure, never, and try to rise above the situation), inviting her to call while you're at home, or even come to see you both if there's nothing to hide, see what happens. I'm not saying that you to do it, but the possibility is there. There's a saying in my country that would translate as follows: "Better once red in the face than a hundred times yellow" which means more or less, when there's an obstacle get rid of it at once! Good luck. report abuse
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I link too
written by Radiance , 13 January, 2007
I fell in love with a guy who was 5 yrs old than I m. Believed all his ridiculous lies, but as every other liar he left a spot in every story he made up.
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He got my number from God Knows Who and said he wants to be friends. Said his gf had died 3 yrs back in France. I believed that too. He was being very nice and everything but I always wondered if he had bet with his fellows or whatever, but that was impossible as I just had bought this number. As fate would have it then, he crushed my soul by being a complete idiot and I was fooling myself that he really does love me. And then on 28 Nov last yr a guy from his side finally told me everything including that his gf isn't alive and he loves her a lot and he is crazy for her. And by that time I already knew I was going to find out some shit like this. I was shattered to pieces and couldn't eat or drink anything for days.. All I kept saying was he is going to suffer so bad in future for playing with my heart and nearly my life, because I never spoke to any random guy like that and he was the one I chose above the rest. And Maria please remember this.. Once a liar, always a liar. He lied to you in the beginning and then gave you the half-truth thinking that you would buy it. But you come across as a "Give me no bs" type of person and he knew he can't put anything across you so he had to step back and give you the whole story. The guy on my side is a pathological liar. Never gave me the whole truth and was obliged to lie about each and everything. And yes he is trying to make up for what he did to you by monetary benefits, as if that would really do any good to your loss. You don't give in to all this bull because what happened today is still minute as the major problems that could occur tomorrow if you have even a single of your hopes up for this guy. Also, you shouldn't have asked him to give up his job at that place because no matter what that won't solve the issue. If he wants to then he would go and see his 12 yr old co-worker anywhere else. They might again end up in a motel and that would make you feel even worse about yourself this time because you didn't do anything to deserve this. Hmm, perhaps the saying I made up after my experience could fit here.. Always give second chances, they teach you a better lesson. But just as bad. Take care of yourself! ..A [broken] teen.. report abuse
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What can you believe
written by samestory , 02 February, 2007
I am in a very similar situation now. I have been with someone for 3 years and if you look at our lives, he is with my every night. He adores me and is always telling me how much he loves and wants to spend his life with me. Recently, I have had two phone calls from two different woman that said they were having an affair with him. They showed my emails and knew specific details about things in his life. He totally denies having a any relationship with them while he was with me but says they are past loves that are obviously scorned. I actually believe him more than them because like I said, he is with me every night and takes me on trips that he could of taken with any of them. I just don't get it. I think he truly loves me but is someone who can't stay faithful. Oh, yeah, I did find out that he cheated on his wife. I tried many many times to leave because I too, can't sleep, eat, or be without him. I am actually more miserable without him so I think I convinced myself I am better off with him. I am not healthy and am trying to have more respect for myself. My heart tells me he didn't cheat but the phone calls and the emails tell me all.
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Me Too
written by InPain , 06 February, 2007
After reading all the above, I really feel like crying. I am in the same situation as samestory and the others - evidence of his infidelity but he makes excuses and reasons (which does not sync) or too extraordinary, and denies everything else that I have no evidence of. He insists that they are just friends, refuses to stop contact with her (got into really major fights about that), turns the blame around and accuses me for infringing his privacy (that's why he does not leave his phone, and if he does he turns it off, he has it password protected and not tell me what the password is although in the past he used to get me to answer his calls, same for his e-mails). But at the end of the day I'd rather kid myself because I believe that I will be more miserable without him than with him. We've been married almost 13 years. I have tried several times to leave but it hurt too much. Once I even seriously considered killing myself when I wanted to leave him. That was when I told myself that it would be worse if I left. So now I am living in denial, each time thoughts or suspicions come up I just block them off and push them aside and tell myself that nothing is happening. But from the time I awake till the time I go to bed I am in pain. My heart is crying, but he does not know and I think he does not care. He just wants a wife who does not give him more stress than he is already under. His stress is also his "reason for not wanting to sleep with me.... Damned if you do (leave him) damned if you don't (leave him)....
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written by PW , 15 April, 2007
Your stories are all eye openers. I found this website to be very helpful. I am a man who has been hurt also. The woman I am involved with is close to my age and tells me she doesn't know what she wants. But she will also tell me she Loves Me? We have been to counseling together and stopped,as the counselor was not focused on the core of her problem. Her fears! She says she wants a commitment, but on her terms and when she is ready. We have been told by a lot of people to break up and move on. I do love her very much and have been there for her though thick and thin situations. Do you have any comments?
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written by Yana , 04 October, 2007
Everyone deserves a 2nd chance. My bf had been a liar, so was I. But we talked it out though at some point we do argue a lot about it sometimes, but things rollin', we learning. I was a flirt before I met him. He lied to me about 'just broke off with my gf', causing me to be somehow looked upon as the 3rd party and I felt cheated as along the way I suspected he and his gf are back together whilst with me. I never lie to him as I find it hard to come up with stories to cover my act. But he will never accept my way of living life before him. Your bf repented or so you thought - give it another shot without thinking back what he had done to you etc. Put it behind you and start anew.
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written by K-Babe , 19 November, 2007
Okay, Gals... (and Guy)
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I have found this website because I wanted to research how to discover if one's partner was cheating. It was very interesting to read the first (Maria's?) story. Maria, if it were me... I would have left the guy. Maria, leave the guy. No guy is worth the torment and trauma of loosing ones self. No guy; nor no relationship. You appear to be an educated woman by your writing abilities. You have analyzed your situation, however, you are emotionally stuck, and that is normal and understandable. While you may become bored, or be lonely for a while, this guy is not worth it. He did sleep with this woman while with you; from what you wrote - it is black and white to me. The reason I have researched this site for myself - if I have discovered what you had discovered; I would not hesitate, I would leave the guy. Your self respect is not worth it. For the others who have posted on this site. I do understand your compassion; and I hold the same. However, you are settling! Why do it?? Why are you staying? I do know why. It is because of trauma and bonding. However, tell yourselves the truth and get out. Try to, one day - feel the power, be on top, and just flatly state: I can't do this with you any longer. I love you, but I need more. And then - be done. There are many things you can do in life in which you can find pleasure until a faithful person comes along. You can watch a great DVD, talk to a trusted friend, go shopping, shop for new dates online and get some self-esteem, go to a bookstore, buy a pet, etc.. You don't need him to be you and to be complete! If I knew that there was ANYTHING between my man and another - that would be IT! LEAVE! and find peace.... You can do it. report abuse
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written by Regina , 11 March, 2008
My story can sort of relate to yours.
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The relationship my husband & I had started out wonderfully. Then later, I had to find out how he was having an affair with a "friend" of his. He then after left me & my two kids. It was about 2 1/2 years of ongoing depression. What I did was go counseling. I felt I wanted to die, until two years ago, I started getting better from the counseling. You have to do something before it is too late for you. You have to love yourself more than you love others... for this time only! Leave him, I know it hurts to even read it worded... but make a change now. Later you'll realize how it was the right decision. I feel for you..... the pain I felt, the trust that he sucked on day by day with his suspiciousness... Although it's all over now, I still feel no trust left in me for other people. Believe me, the best you can do for yourself, is leave him. Don't punish yourself with someone like him just because of what you did in your past. You already paid for it, you aren't with him anymore.. Am I right?? So, please, listen, I am here to support, not to control your next moves. DO WHAT YOU KNOW IS THE RIGHT THING.... Your heart tells you to leave him, because of all the evidence you found. Dear, I will have you in my prayers! -Regina report abuse
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written by NOT4 ME , 22 March, 2008
Wow- this whole web- page is me... My boyfriend has been cheating on me for over 4 years... this last time over the weekend. His daughter told me. Why I stayed I'm not sure... but this was the last. No fight left in me. The last 2 post are great and I really felt like they help... like one said I will never know THE truth... he lies all the time. I have been made a fool of for the last time. We have a baby together - she is 1 1/2 so it might make it harder... but it did help reading this tonight. 5:30 AND I'AM STILL NOT ASLEEP... I AM SURE HE SLEEPING JUST FINE...
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written by Disappointed , 06 May, 2008
You know the saying that a cheetah never changes its spots. If he lied the first time then he will do it again. You can keep believing and you will keep finding evidence that he has lied and betrayed you. If you heard the story from another woman could you possibly believe that her boyfriend is being faithful and that he will never betray her again? I am not so naive. I was dating a man for about a month during which many suspicious things happened, and he explained all of them away. But when his ex-girlfriend, who stopped calling him for a week and suddenly called him on the day that he was supposed to be "occupied" all afternoon I stopped believing him. I don't claim to be a "human lie detector" but I am very good at reading quick flashes of expression on a person's face (I test at 80-90% accuracy). Because I trust myself more than anyone else in this world I decided to break up with him. Now we are friends and I have never regretted this decision. If you are in a long-term relationship it is much more difficult and the desire to stay is much stronger, but once again a cheetah doesn't change its spots overnight. Figure out what kind of person your partner is--was he cheating because his needs weren't being met in the relationship or was he cheating because he is a compulsive cheater?
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written by raj , 30 September, 2008
Maria,
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I have been through a similar situation. The only and best advice I can give you is, "let him go". What makes you think a 50 year old man that has been married twice is going to be faithful to you. He set a great example of his true self for you. A good man in his fifties should be a good husband and father that has a stable family. Not a man who thinks he still 20 years old or a man who has fathered children with different women and married more than once. If you continue to be with him, you will only be another ex wife. report abuse
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written by EBE , 31 January, 2009
IM IN A SIMILAR SITUATION. TWO YEARS AGO I GAVE A 55 YEAR OLD MAN (I WAS 2
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 ANOTHER CHANCE AFTER I FOUND A NAKED PIC IN HIS PHONE. I KNEW THE PIC WAS FROM HIS EX BECAUSE SHE SENT IT TO HIM AND I KNOW HER NAME. THIS WAS AFTER I ALREADY TOLD HIM MORE THAN COUPLE OF TIMES THAT I DIDNT LIKE THE FACT THAT HE NEVER ANSWERED HIS PHONE WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER AND HE NEVER LET ME LOOK AT IT. I TOLD HIM THAT I WILL NOT SPEND ANY TIME WITH HIM IF HE'S STILL INVOLVED WITH HIS EX. HE SAID THAT THERE IS NOTHING BETWEEN THEM AND BECAUSE THIS WAS OUR THIRD MONTH TOGETHER I DECIDED TO FORGET ABOUT IT. FIVE MONTHS LATER IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT HE GETS A TEXT MESSAGE. I MADE HIM READ IT IN FRONT OF ME. IT WAS HIS EX AGAIN. THIS TIME SHE SAID "IM ALONE IN BED, I MISS YOU AND IM HORNY". SINCE I WAS SPENDING THE NIGHT AT HIS HOUSE, I JUST HAD TO LEAVE. HE CRIED AND BEGGED ME TO STAY FOR TWO HOURS BUT I COULDNT EVEN TALK TO HIM, I WAS SO UPSET. HE WAS SAYING THAT SHE DID IT TO MAKE ME MAD AND DENIED ANY INVOLVEMENT WITH HER. RIGHT BEFORE I PUSHED HIM AWAY AND LEFT, I ASKED HIM TO CALL HER AND LET ME LISTEN. OF COURSE HE DID NOT...HE SAID THAT SHE HAS A BOYFRIEND WHO SHE LIVES WITH AND HE DIDNT WANT TO START ANY TROUBLE. WHAT ABOUT ME?!!!? AFTER I LEFT HIS PLACE THAT NIGHT (3AM) I WAS READY TO MOVE ON AND FORGET ABOUT HIM BECAUSE AT THAT TIME WE HAVE NOT BEEN TOGETHER THAT LONG (NOT EVEN A YEAR). HE WOULD NOT LET ME SLEEP, CALLING ME 24/7, I HAD TO TURN MY PHONE TO SILENT AT NIGHT. WE WORK TOGETHER AND IT WAS VERY DIFFICULT NOT TO SEE HIM THERE. AS A MATTER OF FACT, HE WAS THE ONE LOOKING FOR ME ALL THE TIME. HE CONTINUED TO CALL AND LOOK FOR ME FOR 2 MONTHS. I DIDNT NOT ANSWER HIS CALLS. WHENEVER I SENT A TEXT TO HIM, IT WAS A NASTY RESPONSE TO HIS CRIES............HE BOUGHT ME FLOWERS, ASKED TO HAVE DINNER WITH HIM AND BECAUSE HE WAS SO PERSISTENT FOR TWO MONTHS I (THE IDIOT) GAVE HIM YET ANOTHER CHANCE. THIS TIME I TOLD HIM THAT IF I EVER FIND A TEXT, PIC, OR A PHONE CALL FROM HER I WILL LEAVE AND NEVER COME BACK TO HIM. HE SEEMED SO HAPPY AND APPRECIATIVE THAT I EVEN GAVE HIM 5 MIN. I THOUGHT THINGS WOULD IMPROVE AND THAT WE WERE JUST GOING THROUGH A ROUGH TIME AS MANY DO AT THE BEGINNING.....BUT I WAS ALWAYS SUSPICIOUS WHICH HE DID NOT LIKE. EVEN THOUGH THINGS WERE NOT PERFECT (I HAD A FEELING THAT HE WAS AFTER ONE OF THE WOMEN AT WORK, I STILL HAD HOPE FOR US. IM A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMAN, HAVE A CAREER, NEVER MARRIED, NO KIDS. I THOUGHT THAT HE WOULDNT MAKE A MISTAKE LIKE BEFORE AND RISK LOSING ME. HOW WRONG WAS I.....ONE OF MY FRIENDS AT WORK TOLD ME THAT SHE DIDNT KNOW HOW SERIOUS THINGS WERE BETWEEN US BUT SHE WANTED TO TELL ME THAT HE IS A DOG, ASKS WOMEN OUT ALL THE TIME AND HE EVEN TRIED TO TAKE MY FRIEND OUT. SHE DIDNT. I KNOW SHE DOES NOT LIKE HIM, SHE SAID HE'S TOO OLD FOR HER. I CONFRONTED HIM ABOUT IT. HE DENIED IT ALL. HE ASKED ME NUMEROUS TIMES WHO TOLD ME THE STORY. I DIDNT WANT TO TELL HIM BUT AFTER A WEEK OF ARGUING I TOLD HIM IT WAS JEN. NEXT TIME HE WENT TO WORK HE TOLD MY FRIEND THAT HE IS MY BF AND HE'S IN LOVE WITH ME, WHY IS SHE TRYING TO BREAK US UP? LATER HE TOLD ME THAT SHE PROBLY WANTS HIM FOR HER. I KNEW THAT SHE DOES NOT AND AT THAT POINT I WANTED TO FIND OUT WHO IS HE AFTER AT WORK. LAST WEEK AT WORK, TO HIS SURPRISE, I ACCIDENTALLY WALKED IN ON SOMETHING.....HE WAS BY THE ELEVATOR WITH THE WOMAN I THOUGHT HE WAS WITH BUT DIDNT WANT TO BELIEVE BECAUSE SHE IS NOT ON MY LEVEL AND I DIDNT THINK HE WOULD GO THAT LOW. I SAW THEM LAUGHING AND HOLDING HANDS. AS SOON AS HE SAW ME HE WALKED AWAY FROM HER AND TOWARD ME AND SHE JUST TURNED AROUND AND WALKED AWAY WITHOUT SAYING A WORD. I PUSHED HIM AWAY AND DIDNT LET HIM TAKE THE ELEVATOR WITH ME TO THE 5TH FLOOR. 5 MIN LATER, ON MY WAY OUT I HEARD THE TWO TALKING. HE SAID "SHE SAID THAT SHE SAW US TOGETHER", SHE REPLIED " SHE DIDNT SEE ANYTHING, THERE WAS NOTHING TO SEE". I KEPT O WALKING TO EXIT. WHEN HE FINALLY SAW ME HE SAID SOMETHING STUPID. I CALLED HIM A JERK FOR DOING THIS TO ME AND TALKING ABOUT OUR BUSINESS TO WOMEN LIKE HER. I WAS NOT EVEN PAYING ATTENTION TO WHAT HE WAS SAYING TO ME AND FLIPPED A BIRD. I RAN AWAY FROM HIM. I HATE HIM AND DONT WANT TO LISTEN TO HIS EXCUSES AND STORIES. OH AND DID I MENTION THAT HE PROPOSED TO ME IN NOV 08 AND BOUGHT ME A RING, THATS HOW SERIOUS HE IS ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP. I KNOW THAT I WILL NEVER BE WITH HIM AGAIN BUT IT STILL HURTS. WRITING THIS HELPED A LOT.....MY FRIENDS TOLD ME THAT HE WAS NO GOOD LONG TIME AGO BUT I DIDNT LISTEN. IT'S BEEN 6 DAYS SINCE THAT INCIDENT AND HE HAS NOT CONTACTED ME. IM TRYING TO BE STRONG..... report abuse
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written by BaileyC. , 19 August, 2009
You so deserve better than that.
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You must be having a tough time letting go, you need to find something else that makes you happy. Or someone else. I have a dog to help me with my troubles. Animals are the one things that never cheat, lie, stab you in the back, etc... report abuse
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What can I believe now? It seems like there is no way out of this except to dump him. But that really hurts. So much, that I'm unable to function properly.
Regards.
Maria