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Suspect my husband is cheating - should I leave him? |
I have my suspicions that my husband is cheating on me because I have looked at his cell phone and all the calls that are incoming, outgoing, received and sent are deleted. He cheated on me 3 1/2 yrs ago and now it’s with the same person, I saw the text messages on his phone before he deleted the calls.
I confronted him about it and he said she was just a friend and needed someone to talk to, we have been married almost 11 yrs so that was a bunch of crap when he explained himself.
I just found out today he's been in contact with another woman which I have seen the number on his cell phone. We are both 41, have no kids together, but my kids are 23 and 19.
Do I ask for a divorce or suggest counseling before I throw away 16 yrs? I am at a loss what to do. I’m on anti-depressants because of all these lies, affairs etc.
I don’t know what to do. Any suggestions are appreciated!
Response:
Constantly questioning truth makes it impossible for any relationship to succeed.
You need to be able to trust your husband and know that he has your best interest at heart (see, healthy relationships). Until you can establish that kind of trust, your relationship will undoubtedly be a major source of frustration, anxiety, and despair.
But with that said, relationships can survive infidelity. Many couples are able to work through their doubts and betrayal and create a more intimate and trusting relationship. Doing so, however, requires that couples tell the truth, change their behavior, and learn to make each other feel understood (see, surviving infidelity).
For you to move beyond this problem, you need to feel certain that your husband has disclosed the truth. But, if your husband has been lying or trying to conceal an affair, it may be very difficult for him take responsibility for what has happened. Once people lie, they tend to stick to their initial story (see, catch a cheating spouse).
Should you try counseling or ask for a divorce? It might help to think about how much you value your relationship (see, is relationship worth saving) and how open your husband is to changing his behavior (see, once a cheater, always a cheater).
Regardless of the decision you make, talking to a counselor, even on your own, will help you deal with this problem.
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You have invested 16 years in this relationship and to throw them away without putting up a fight would be a real shame. What you have to do is to invest in yourself first and foremost, just like he does. I don't mean that you should cheat as two wrongs don't make a right, what I mean is that you should do things which please you and improve you. When he sees this, it will certainly make him stand up and take notice, believe me. Start by being more assertive, don't share your concerns with him for a while, be a little more mysterious, arrange outings for the two of you, pay him some positive attention too, but think back to the days when you first met and try to recapture that feeling. If after having tried this for say a year and he still acts like a d..khead, then you might well have to re-think your future with him. One consolation, you are still young and if you want to can find a person who suits you better. Good luck!