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My husband constantly cheats |
My husband and I have been married for 9 years. Out of those 9 years he has cheated on me during 8 of them. He has cheated while I was pregnant with both my children and even left me when I was pregnant with the first one and attempted to sleep with a prostitute when I was pregnant with the second one. I have taken him back over and over, many times without any explanation or apology from him. A year ago I found out he had cheated with a lady he worked with. I forgot to mention he is a truck driver and is gone all the time. He met this lady at the driver school and they began to have an affair. When I found out about the affair it had been going on for 5 months.
I had some suspicious before I found out but he always denied it. He always says he doesn't know why he did it when I confront him about it. After I ask him several more times he always find a way to blame me by sating he couldn't talk to me, our sex life is not spontaneous or that he has lost the desire to be intimate. After this last affair I told him I wanted a divorced he broke down emotionally and begged me to give him another chance.
Since I had never seen that side of him and he started to open up more and apologized repeatedly I decided to give it a try. He promises me that he would stay away from the porn and that he would never cheat again. I accepted his promises but not without caution and suspicion, I mean I had heard that before. I thought we were working things out good. We were communicating better, we started praying together nightly, and we always told each other we love him/her before getting off the phone.
Well I went out of town this weekend for 3 days with the kids. He was not able to go due to work. When I got back I was checking the e-mail and saw where he had placed a personal profile and said that he was divorced. When I asked him about it he was shocked and tried to deny it until I told him I had read the profile. Then he decided to say that he was curious about how it all works. I let him know how I felt and reminded him of the promises he had made to me and then I told him that I was leaving at the end of May.
I told him that something was not right because recently we have only been having sex once a month. I am 34 and he is 31 and I have just reached my sexual peak. He began to tell be that he doesn't have the desire and did I have any suggestions. I believe this is another lie or if he has no sexual desire it because he no longer desires me.
If that is true I can't change anything if he doesn't tell me what I need to change. It is also hard to make a marriage work that has so much distance and if he not willing to find something local (where he can be home every day) I am going to leave because I can't continue to give without him giving also.
I just want to feel desired again, I want to be loved unconditionally, and I want to be in a happy fulfilling relationship. PLEASE HELP ME! I need to know if I should just walk out and if not what should I do?
Response:
Sorry to hear about your situation. We get hundreds of e-mails such as yours and they are never easy to read. We know the pain, hurt and confusion you are going through can be overwhelming.
And no one can tell you what you what to do in a situation like this. It is difficult decision to make, but hopefully, we can provide you with some information to help you better understand the problem you currently face.
Your husband’s behavior is driven by two different, but very powerful, emotions: Attachment and sexual desire (see, difference between love, sex and attachment).
In all likelihood, you husband is deeply attached to you. He wants you in his life and he draws comfort and security from your relationship (see, romantic attachments). At the same time, however, sexual desire is a very powerful motivator (see, sexual desire).
And more often than people like to acknowledge, these two fundamental emotions pull people in opposite directions. We all want a partner and companion with whom we can share our life. And most people want an active and satisfying sex life. Unfortunately, it can be hard to maintain a passionate and sexually exciting relationship over the course of time.
Couples have the most passionate and intense sex in the first couple years together. Gradually, couples have sex less often and with less intensity the longer they have been together. This does not mean that couples can not have a long-term sexually satisfying relationship, but it does indicate that passion and intensity fade with time.
The Coolidge Effect
For some people, the passion and intensity of sex is extremely rewarding and addictive. And to experience that kind of intensity requires having sex with someone new – a novel experience. This phenomenon is referred to has the Coolidge Effect (see, science of sex). As the story goes, President Coolidge and his wife were visiting a farm one day, Mrs. Coolidge noted how a rooster was able to perform all day, and Mr. Coolidge noted that it was not with the same hen. Although it can be difficult to acknowledge, and it goes against most people’s morals, diversity in sexual partners can be extremely gratifying (see, cheating husband).
When people are confronted with these two powerful emotions, attachment and sexual desire, they often do what your husband has done: lie and cheat.
To make matters more complicated, we now live in an age where people idealize the notion of love and intimacy. Our close, romantic relationships are supposed to be perfect, full of passion, intimacy, and unconditional love. Society, media, and our culture have created an image of romance and love that is nearly impossible to achieve. As a result, the idealization of intimacy has left people feeling alienated, inadequate, and incomplete. Our expectations of love and romance are extremely high, but our human nature makes this difficult and often leaves people broken hearted.
So, what to do?
Will your husband change? Probably not (see, once a cheater).
Would you be better off with or without your husband? Only you know the answer that question (see, worth saving).
We hope this helps, somehow.
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You are NOT going to change him. It is not completely his fault you are still miserable after first knowing the facts of his infidelity. We don't get involved or married or stay in bad situations thinking we are "special enough" to change our partners. They are who they are. You have known this guy and his routine for a very long time. Because you chose to keep having children with him... and (as you say) keep taking him back, you in essence, are conceding to this life style. You alone are responsible for your own unhappiness. Your question should not be, "Will he change?", but rather, "What have I done to help create my own misery and Why do I choose to stay?" It's real easy to fall into the martyr role if you are not a fully secure individual; gaining sympathy from various sources to cover for no personal power, a low sense of self and financial inadequacy in the world. The fact that you choose to stay and have children with a repeat offender tells me that I am right, otherwise, you would not be there. You would have left him after the first offense, gotten into a career, met someone with equal values, have saved $ money for pregnancy down-time and be living a NON dependent life with 1 or 2 healthy functional kids. Financial dependency is a big motivator for staying in a bad marriage. You have let yourself go...a self induced reinforcement of your low self esteem. But, like I said, you knew all along he was this way and you kept allowing it by staying. Continuing to stay and make children, while knowing your husband is a cheating louse keeps you on the wheel of being a dependent victim and thus keeping you trapped in your own insecurity, low self esteem, poor body image and zero personal $funds. You are his mother, not his wife and partner. He sees you the way you portray yourself in that role. If he's a good father and non abusive, you will need to just be quiet, stop whining and just get through raising your kids before making a good choice to stand up, become independent and leave him. In the mean time, you should do what you should have done years ago. Get busy liking yourself, get into shape, get a skill, get into a career and get ready for the day you can walk away with self respect. Or, you could just stay where you are...with no hope, pitiful and begging sympathy from anyone who will listen. 
)I also told him that that scares me most because that means that's his pattern, that's what he's accustomed to. Who's to say that while he's in his 12-step program (in love with me) that he won't relapse? I don't know. I'm trying to keep the faith that maybe with me it will be different & stop interrogating or investigating and let God reveal to me what I need to know when I need to know it. I just want to save myself from the heartache that many of you have gone through. Keep your head up ladies...we will survive! 
Hi ladies, I am just 26 years old and have been married to my husband for 4 years. In total we have been together nearly 8 years. In that time we have laughed together, cried together and been through some really bad things. I thought he was my best friend, my lover and my soul mate and I trusted him 100%. In October 2007 I found out that he had been cheating on me with an older woman for 3 years. He swears he is sorry, says he loves me and will never hurt me again. But the damage is done and I am finding it hard to accept him back and I certainly don't trust him. No one could believe it when I told them about his cheating because he has always seemed such a loyal and devoted husband. I don't want to tear my family apart but I am having a really hard time dealing with it????????? He tells me that everyone makes mistakes and his friends have cheated on their wives and been forgiven. Am I the only one who thinks what he has done is devastating, am I wrong for not being able to let go and forgive???? 
Sorry and good luck.