Truth About Deception

He won't change
written by Caring person , 01 February, 2007

Sorry but he won't change because you've given him no reason to. You're still there hanging onto a dream while he is living out his fantasies. He might think about changing if you leave him but he won't change.
Sorry and good luck.

Been there before
written by Jeanie , 02 February, 2007

Believe me, he will not, repeat, will not change. He will continue to lie and cheat. Unless you can live with that, forget the relationship. Easier said than done, but it's true. He will always look for the new thrill and excitement no matter who he will be with next and next and next. It might even take YOU a while to realize that. This man is no one on which to base a future with unless you can stand the infidelity.

I am going through the same
written by Olga , 26 February, 2007

Thanks for your story. It seems you husband and my husband are twin brothers. I am going to counseling starting tomorrow. But deep in my heart, I know he will not change.
Olga

...
written by tash , 26 April, 2007

I have been having an affair with a married man for years. We have been friends since school and enjoy each others company, but he cant afford to leave his wife. So he might stay, but could you live with a lie?

...
written by Lily39 , 19 May, 2007

When I read your letter, I felt some one had been spying on me! Been there, done that! I really don't belive either my husband our yours will ever change. Their life works for them, it just doesn't work for a partner who expects honesty, loyalty, respect, trust and fun in a relationship. For too long, I've modified my behavoir to make our relationship work, but he has not even met me halfway. He really doesn't want to, nor does he really think he's done anything wrong. It's a very hard pill to swallow, but it's time to move on. I'm telling myself that, too. Good luck!

...
written by Cede 37 , 28 May, 2007

Our 8 yr anniversary is in two days and I my husband just told me today that he has been having sex with masseuses/prostitutes for 7 years while we were married. I am devastated. He doesn't want me to leave him and says he loves me, but I cannot trust him. I have had some suspicions. I'm glad to finally know the truth so I can move on with my life.

...
written by counselor , 31 May, 2007

You are NOT going to change him. It is not completely his fault you are still miserable after first knowing the facts of his infidelity. We don't get involved or married or stay in bad situations thinking we are "special enough" to change our partners. They are who they are. You have known this guy and his routine for a very long time. Because you chose to keep having children with him... and (as you say) keep taking him back, you in essence, are conceding to this life style. You alone are responsible for your own unhappiness. Your question should not be, "Will he change?", but rather, "What have I done to help create my own misery and Why do I choose to stay?" It's real easy to fall into the martyr role if you are not a fully secure individual; gaining sympathy from various sources to cover for no personal power, a low sense of self and financial inadequacy in the world. The fact that you choose to stay and have children with a repeat offender tells me that I am right, otherwise, you would not be there. You would have left him after the first offense, gotten into a career, met someone with equal values, have saved $ money for pregnancy down-time and be living a NON dependent life with 1 or 2 healthy functional kids. Financial dependency is a big motivator for staying in a bad marriage. You have let yourself go...a self induced reinforcement of your low self esteem. But, like I said, you knew all along he was this way and you kept allowing it by staying. Continuing to stay and make children, while knowing your husband is a cheating louse keeps you on the wheel of being a dependent victim and thus keeping you trapped in your own insecurity, low self esteem, poor body image and zero personal $funds. You are his mother, not his wife and partner. He sees you the way you portray yourself in that role. If he's a good father and non abusive, you will need to just be quiet, stop whining and just get through raising your kids before making a good choice to stand up, become independent and leave him. In the mean time, you should do what you should have done years ago. Get busy liking yourself, get into shape, get a skill, get into a career and get ready for the day you can walk away with self respect. Or, you could just stay where you are...with no hope, pitiful and begging sympathy from anyone who will listen.

...
written by getting out , 22 June, 2007

I've been reading stories of cheating husbands, and I too have a husband that gets paid on Fridays and leaves for the entire weekend, without giving me money for the weekend. He comes home on Sunday night and expects me to be at home with a smile on my face. Well little does he know that I went back to school and once my externship is over and the kids are leaving, so when he comes home from his fun weekend he"ll be coming home to a empty house. Ladies lets face it, we can't stop them from cheating, but god will deal with them sooner or later... You reap what you sow.....

...
written by #8 , 30 June, 2007

I have been chatting with this man for almost 8 years now off and on. We've tried to end it so many times I've lost count. I think that the reason that I continue to remain in touch w/him is b/c of the fascination or curiosity. He can be whoever I want him to be. But, I think that there has become a deeper connection. He was here on business this past week and wanted to meet. I said, no. He's married... I was married when we met online. I'm divorced now though. Happily btw! Anyway, he got cold feet too. I guess when push came to shove.... we both realized that this was never going to go anywhere and neither of us wanted to hurt anyone by meeting for a... flesh fest of sorts. (just being brutally honest here) Thing is; I truly want this to end. Why are we both so infatuated with one another from afar? It's a moronic cycle. What trips our trigger? Anyone know?

...
written by SallyE , 25 July, 2007

Can this kind of man ever change, even if they are in a different relationship?

...
written by Expert , 25 July, 2007

To SallyE - Not likely.

...
written by kw3 , 27 July, 2007

I have been there, done that, been there, done that and still doing it. He will not change. For the last 12 years it has been one disappointment after another. This last one was IT! I moved and followed my husband to another state. I have no friends or family. About 4 months after we moved he starts in with all the typical signs your spouse is cheating stuff. Then he says he doesn't want to be together. We have been separated for a year and NOW he has had an epiphany and wants his family back. I said No because he will just do it again and I won't let him do that to me and our three kids again. You have to choose. Do you want to live your life totally insecure, playing detective when you already know the answer? My deciding factor was Do I want my daughter's to think that this is what is acceptable and for them to put up with such crap and do I want my son to think it is ok. The answer is No. I didn't think I would ever get through the pain when we first separated. All my hopes and dreams down the drain. But every day that I made it through I became stronger and I realized I deserve better. Do you want to be with someone who gives his time and money to another when he made a vow to give it to you? He obviously doesn't care. The first few months are awful but you will make it. Do you want to be sitting in a nursing home one day and all you have for memories is all the worry, anxiety, insecurity, and crap that you went through? Plus, you have to examine why you allow it. Usually its because of some childhood mommy and daddy issues. We don't think we are worth it. We are insecure. Find someone that you can lean on and support you. There may be a reason you are at where you are at but its an excuse to stay there and accept it. What will it take? HIV, Herpes, Warts? Forget him.

...
written by Nevalearn , 22 August, 2007

Found out my husband has been using prostitutes for the last 3 years, been married 3 and half years, two small kids. Why? It's taken me me about 6 weeks to pick myself up of the floor, and I tell you I know I will have financial issues etc. but I won't be putting up with that crap!! Makes you see how much you have actually given them when you realize you don't have a life anymore, what a wake up call. What do these cheating blokes give in return, a broken heart and herpes! Must admit I did need to lose those couple of kilo's, the infidelity diet, when you're so hurt you can't eat anymore. To hell with him. I'm outta here!! Be strong ladies.

...
written by Funked Out , 24 August, 2007

I met a wonderful, caring, loving man. I knew he had been unfaithful to his last wife, but he assured me that he would never do it to me. He said his love for me was far to deep and that he would prove it to me over a lifetime. After 4 years of marriage, he is no longer that man I met. He became cold, distant and deceitful. I eventually found out he had been cheating on me when I opened is mobile phone bill and found the same number at least a dozen times a day. I called her and she eventually told me (he would have lied forever). looking back now, I am sure she was one of many. Of course, he blames me - says that our sex life lacked spontaneity and he could not 'hold out' any longer. He has now been gone for 4 weeks, but I have been suffering for over a year. I couldn't work out what was happening and why his behavior had changed towards me, I kept questioning myself, what had I done wrong? What happened to the wonderful man I met. I know what happened, he just reverted to true form! He is a serial cheat! I am so in love with him, it hurts like hell. I feel in the depths of despair and find it hard to resist when he asks to see me, but reading your comments (above) just gives me strength so thank you for helping me to realize that it isn't my fault. We even went to relationship counseling and the counselor virtually told me to 'give it up as a bad job'. I feel that I am going through hell. My life as I knew it is just one big dark tunnel of nothingness. But I would rather go through a few months of this now than I lifetime of hurt and deceit. So I'm with you guys! Girl Power!!!!! xxxx

...
written by Barbie 12 , 30 August, 2007

When it comes down to it... Do you really need a man?

...
written by TerriAnne , 01 September, 2007

This is a 18 year marriage with 3 teen sons. My husband works for an Army base as a civilian operator and does naval reserve. He's done both for 16 years now.

The first time he was busted was with my little sister when she was living with us, I was in college, but before that, I was a stay at home mother. His excuse for doing what he did with my sister was that he was afraid I would meet some smart, wealthy college male and leave him so he was just being prepared. He broke down and I left him, we stayed separated for a month, he lived with his sister, who told me he hardly ate, went to work and stared at the pictures of our boys and me.

Because I gave in, yes, my mother says my big heart will be my downfall, I came back and he made promises up the wazoo about changing. That lasted for about 6 months, with someone he drilled with.

Then came the Army base coworkers, with him saying they pursued him and he didn't know how to say no or be nice about it.

This time, he went to Georgia, via the navy reserve, for 2 weeks, "fell in love" with a classmate who turned out not to live far from his reserve center and they would meet once a month.

He told me to get some pics off his computer, but left all his programs open. During the time he came back from Georgia, he had been blowing up for no reason, nothing I did was ever good enough and it was like he was in a constant black mood, taking it out on me and the kids, not physically, but verbally.

I busted him and her over Father's Day weekend last June and finally told him I wanted a divorce, but he cried, saying maybe this is what he needed to "get his head out of his ass" to make REAL changes for our future. Like an idiot, I believed him.

Two days later, he was back to emailing the other woman, I'm sure he got a kick out of talking the two of us into continuing on business as usual.

I just busted him this past week and he STILL doesn't want to get a divorce, his excuse? We have 18 years together and he's not sure about the other woman's characteristics, a little on the weird and shady side.

What does that have to do with me? He didn't even give it a 6 month rest. Is this the ideal constant cheater or what?

...
written by 1Lisa , 12 September, 2007

I was google-ing out of frustration and anxiety, and found this...
My story! Told by different women.
I feel stupid, and very sad, and scared because I have to let him go...

...
written by What about the children? , 18 September, 2007

Same here. I was google-ing and found these stories... For years, I knew my mate was cheating on me with different women, but I (out of fear of being alone and my daughter growing up without a father) just ignored it and actually would talk myself into believing it wasn't happening and that it would pass. Truth is... it hasn't, and won't. I'm now 9 months pregnant with our son... and this time (after days of me snooping around cell phone bills and the history file on our home computer) he's admitted that he cheated on me with a prostitute. What am I supposed to do? My baby will be here any day now. And if I leave him, what am I supposed to tell our 4 year old daughter? I know once a cheat, always a cheat... I know eventually I will be okay and will be able to pick myself up from this... but what makes me consider staying the most is my children. The thought of them living in a single family frightens me. The risk factors of not having two parents are baffling. still, I know hundreds of single-parent households defy those obstacles everyday. For my children's sake, should I stay? or should I go?

...
written by AnnaRain , 11 October, 2007

My heart goes out you all of you women! I admire your first steps of courage in starting questioning your worth and the grass on the other side. I want to commend you on your love and strength! You will be fine as the image in the rear view mirror becomes fainter and you move on. I am independent, but fell for a cheater and I knew it before it all started.
For the sake of the children MOVE ON ladies, they will admire, love and support your courage. My now boyfriend was cheating on other women he while they were dating and while she was pregnant. Then I came in the picture, she to this day does not know about me (3 years later), but
she was strong enough to move on after a year fighting for the sake of their son, thinking he was going to come back. I think he was already over the relationship before it even started, trying to court me and many others as I discovered over the years (internet, office, old friends). I'm so glad that I did not have a child with him as well, it would have been the worst decision of my life and ironically they would have had their Bdays the same week. I was devastated and blamed myself for allowing this to happen to me. My heart goes out to his son, I love him dearly and am so sad he will grow up watching his father being a cheater and how damaged he will be. Remember, the truth is always there, we have to work really hard not to see it. TRUTH IS NOT NEGOTIABLE, move on and create a better life for yourself and your children.
Never stay in a unhealthy/bad relationship for the children, you will create irreversible damage, if you really love your children and want the best for them you will go. They will be forever grateful and become strong and independent adults! Everything works out in the end, have perseverance and trust yourself. You already know what to do, so what are you waiting for??? Let your hair down and go and DO NOT LOOK BACK!!!! I did and its the best things Ive ever done.

...
written by lrc , 26 October, 2007

My husband not only constantly cheats, but he refuses to admit it when I confront him. When the other women he is cheating on confront him, he just stops speaking to them. There are literally dozens that he is in various stages of cheating with. He meets them all on the internet and I truly believe he's addicted to sex and that he is incapable of love. I know he's attached to me (see I've been reading this site), but I doubt he is capable of love. BUT, how can I confront him and leave him when he won't even admit that he's done wrong? I have confronted him several times, but he NEVER admits it; he always denies it and somehow turns it around to be ME and my issue of mistrust.
For a while, I tried to warn the women and let them know what was going on - but I did it as a third party so as not to be the "other woman"... looking back, I think now it was my attempt at making some type of penance for being stupid enough to still be in this relationship. Even now, I am sitting here waiting on him to come home - having found out that he was with another woman today. I just want to close my eyes and wake up from this horrible dream and it isn't going to happen without me taking a significant step. I am an accomplished, intelligent, professional woman who makes major strategic decisions for everyone else every day....but I'm absolutely crippled when he refuses to admit he's done wrong. I'm to the point where I want to EXPOSE him so that he can't make anymore excuses.... but wouldn't it just be simpler if I would just walk away because I can?

...
written by Moving , 18 November, 2007

How many stories told in how many ways do we need? I too have always known and just recently caught and confronted my husband. He begged me not to leave even if I couldn't trust him. We are in counseling now and as I peel the layers of my own dysfunction and choices. I know in my heart that I will eventually leave him. For as much as I want to be loved by him I know I am not in love with him. Who could love a liar and a cheater? Who could love someone who is deliberate enough and malicious enough to deceive in that way? So for now I shift the focus to myself- rebuilding my strength and possibilities and know that separation is a process not an event. For those still questioning or tolerating above... it's time to focus on the why's that you can answer about yourself and your behavior and when you are ready you will know and have the will to move on.

...
written by Consuelo Taylor , 23 November, 2007

My comment is if it talks like a liar, acts like a liar, works bizarre hours, pays no attention to family, their money is unaccounted for and keeps telling you "nothing is wrong with me, I am just tired" then they are cheating. I also need to say that my experience of my husband cheating has been one of "The Most" traumatic experiences in my life. He has made a mockery of my life long dream, he has humiliated me among my friends and family, he has drained me financially, emotionally, and spiritually, and he has no values or morals. Before and when we got married he was completely different, but when my husband feels sorry for himself, he makes all of his family members and loved ones pay for it. Unfortunately, as much as I used to love my husband, I realize not only is he extremely selfish but also has some mental health issues. Having said all of that... what does that make me? Stupid? I am taking responsibility for my decisions and I feel like, I need to learn more about making healthy decisions because apparently I made an extremely poor decision. As far as I am concerned now, my husband did not love me, does not love me, and never will, and it is time for me to find a man who can. That's my truth about deception!

...
written by Seeing the Truth , 25 December, 2007

In reading the many stories above I can see myself in so many of them. I wanted so hard to believe that my husband was not cheating that I allowed myself to believe it was a problem within me. My husband was famous for saying it was in my thoughts and mistrust denying cheating constantly but still repeating it. I have learned that you can not take responsibility for someone lacking a moral conscience. No matter what you do on your end does not change what decisions morally they will make on their own. Yes they want you to be their lifetime partner. Yes they will provide for you but they will also always find a problem with you when they are unhappy or to excuse that they can not face real life. Their lives many times consist of fantasies and thrills of being with others. But these men also want to have a wife ready and waiting at home to take care of them. When I finally said after three years of being married that I had had enough. I did not deserve to be treated this way and would not accept it, he turned violent. This went to show me what I had was not love but I was merely a possession that he depended on to take care of him. If I wasn't going to wait on him hand and foot then the marriage was over. To him the cheating didn't matter after all he was providing for me and that was his only role in the marriage.

I want more out of life and feel I deserve much better. While it hurts that I ended the marriage due to who I thought he was, when I realized what he is there has to be better out there. I want a life of truth, real love and honesty. Without this I am just punishing myself for making a wrong decision in marrying him. His violence, like his cheating he denies and blames me when every act he has committed was his choice and who he is. Instead of feeling sorry for myself or playing the martyr I want a healthy and happy life. Your many stories have helped me see that this was never about me but who I chose to marry. Marriage is not a life sentence and should never be treated as such. Why be imprisoned in a world of hurt, betrayal, lies and pain when there is so much more out there. Marriage or any relationship is based off of honesty, trust and respect. To really love one another will keep this in place. To have one take advantage of this is an unhealthy individual who will always blame others for their actions and their choices. To be a real man takes courage and strength which I found my husband had neither.

...
written by Jodi L , 30 December, 2007

My boyfriend left me for the fourth time a month a half ago. We were together off and on for two years. When I met him he got a job as a club promoter which gave him a lot of opportunity to cheat and flirt. He loved the stability that I could offer him but couldn't resist the temptation of flirting and god knows whatever else. He was living a double life with me. He is & years younger than I and I guess I was more of a care taker to him. he is a handsome man with a French accent that the girls falls for. He knows how to manipulate and play the game....even with me. He broke up with me a couple of times because he wanted the freedom to play without me questioning him. Most of the time he left when he felt a little more established in his job and could support himself.(Yes, I was an idiot and paid most of the bills... whatever)Anyway, I need some advice.... When he left he told me that He doesn't know if he could be a committed relationship because of his past trauma and abuse in his childhood. He is afraid of commitment. He said he is not looking for a relationship when he leaves, he just wants to be alone for now. Well I believe now that THAT was his "OUT" out of the relationship . He said he loved me but if he really did he wouldn't fall into someones arms right away like I just found out. He is dating a girl now his age... thirty four yrs old, no kids(I have a son and he found it hard to deal with and get close to because he wasn't really into me) Fake boobs (he likes big boobs), successful in real estate, big house (I have a small apartment which he lived in with me....mooching), she's 5'9 (he likes tall...I'm 5'5). Anyway he found a catch... an upgrade material wise from me. He is a pretty superficial guy who puts on the persona that he is a great guy.... NARCARRIST! He said one time to me that I should be better than him. He can mess up but I had to be perfect for him so he could feel proud and show me off. But as soon as I gave up my power in the relationship, he lost respect for me.No longer proud to be with me and he treated me as such.He likes the girl on his arm to shine to make himself look good to others. I think he has an inferiority complex. But he puts an an arrogant outer shell. When I lost weight because of all this stress and anxiety, he would say his friends think I'm on drugs or something. He probably hated to hear that someone doesn't think I look good.
Anyway, my question is....I am sure he feels he got a great catch after me with this new girl and he would be a fool to mess it up but will he sabotage it because of his fear of intimacy... fear of failure and rejection because he feels inferior. He always gets these great woman and messes it up. He told me when I first met him that he was afraid of messing it up with me and he did. Life has given him another opportunity, someone who has more material things which he likes, Either he will mess it up or hopefully she can see more clearly than I did and see right through him. But lust and love make you blind. Do you think eventually he will mess this one up?

...
written by Nani , 01 January, 2008

Oh my - thank goodness I came across this site. I found my husband was having an affair with not one but two women on 12/22, and I unkindly asked him to leave our home that night. He has done so, and the day after Christmas wrote me a horrible e-mail telling me how I deserved better than him, that he's sorry he ruined my Christmas, and that he was thankful that he wasn't going to ruin the rest of my life just as soon as we could dissolve our marriage. I told him he was going to have to file, because I took my marriage vows seriously, and I wasn't going to file for the divorce. He went into a TIRADE about how he could go and get an annulment in Nevada in 72 hours by claiming that he married me for immigration reasons, and then ended it by saying "but of course, I would then be deported for 10 years". Like that's my fault? I told him that I didn't marry him for immigration - I married him for LOVE! For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, till death do us part, and that he should think long and hard before he rushes headlong into destruction. He then proceeded to tell me he was sorry for blowing up - that he's cornered and doesn't know what he's going to do because he lost his job effective 12/31, and due to his Amnesty Visa, if he doesn't find a job in 30 days, he will be deported. Again....like that's my fault??? He lost his job because he was screwing around and not paying attention to his work! The horrible, horrible part is...I still love him. The best part, I guess, is that this has been the best diet ever. 10 pounds in 8 days is a record! Ladies, if we don't keep a sense of humor, we're dead, right?

...
written by Ms. Redbone , 07 January, 2008

Hi Ladies, my heart is sinking & it's not. Why? Because the "truth" about the matter is that I'm beginning to realize that to get a man to stop cheating, who has a history of it, is like taking an alcoholic or drug user through a 12-step program. They (the men) have to 1st admit that it's a problem if they really love the woman they're with. 2nd they have to have the "desire" to want to change & be committed to that change. All of the proceeding steps involve acting on that change from their thought processes to their environments.

This is therapeutic to me as I write this & I'll share my story in a minute. But I want to say before hand, that temptation is a very strong demon. It comes at us in different forms & constantly. The sad truth is, how strong are any of us when it comes to something we try to avoid but end up using/doing anyway? With that said, it doesn't condone nor excuse a man that "decides" to cheat on his wife/girlfriend, because at the end of the day it's still a "choice" I don't care how powerful the temptation may be.

With me, I suspect my boyfriend, just shy of a 1-year together, of cheating now or at least has once, since we've been together. In the year that we've been together, we've had some traumatic experiences, collectively & individually so most of the "honeymoon stage" of our relationship had to be put on the back burner while we dealt with life issues. Yes we did it together, (dealt with & supported each other through the storms) however, now he's more apt to becoming cold, distant & our sex life is not as intense or I have to be the 1 to initiate it. He watches porn constantly, but then tells me that he's too tired, or it's stress when it comes to me. So his sexual desire is there & when I question why it isn't there with me, he says that it's all in my head & that he still does. So why are we only having sex once a week if that? Whereas, in our 1st 5-6 mos. of dating, I couldn't keep him off of me. I've come to the point where I mark on a calendar when sex occurs just to see a pattern. I've also recently found new ph#s in his cell phones w/ girls names I've never seen before & text messages to & from these girls. Yet another excuse, he's had his phone for 3-years before we met, a lot of these women are "old" friends who he can't help that they're calling him. However, I've spoken to 1 of them who said she didn't even know he had a woman "like that", but according to him they "know about me". That means nothing, cuz most women who want your man knew why they couldn't fully have him, it's because he was married or involved with someone else! I could go on & on...I love my man as well, but my rose colored glasses have fallen & cracked to the ground. I should have been more educated regarding "once a cheat always a cheat" because he's told me repeatedly that this is the "1st relationship he hasn't cheated on, mainly because this is the 1st relationship he's ever been in love". While that appeared flattering at 1st & I wanted to believe him because I also think that people can change now, I'm not so sure. I've recently told him this when I confronted him with my "suspicions" (never again until I get concrete proof..I read that section )I also told him that that scares me most because that means that's his pattern, that's what he's accustomed to. Who's to say that while he's in his 12-step program (in love with me) that he won't relapse? I don't know. I'm trying to keep the faith that maybe with me it will be different & stop interrogating or investigating and let God reveal to me what I need to know when I need to know it. I just want to save myself from the heartache that many of you have gone through. Keep your head up ladies...we will survive!

...
written by ketzel , 09 January, 2008

HI LADIES, I feel so sad when I read all these accounts of partners cheating. I am in the process of splitting with my boyfriend too. We have only been together two years and it has never been consistent. He has always ruined things after a few days by breaking things off or causing an argument. He is emotionally abusive and constantly accuses me of being unfaithful,life with him has become nothing but pain, hurt and chaos. He has always been in contact with other women and has often told me about them when we are on one one of our break ups, he says he loves me and he has not had sex with these women but intuition tells me different. The final straw came just recently when he came home with a love bite on his neck and tried to tell me it was a rash, I am a nurse and I know the difference. I tried to throw him out and he wouldn't go, things got very heated and I ended up being arrested and held in police cells overnight for common assault. My god I am horrified as i type this and scared for my future. He says he got the lovebite from a woman he met in the pub, apparently she just jumped on him. I was so outraged from all his lies and his desperate attempt to deny his cheating at all cost, I kinda just flipped. I am a kind compassionate women and I have devoted my life to caring for others, it sickens me to think that I could lose my career because of this doomed relationship with him, no one will want to employ a nurse with an assault charge on her record, I am hoping it won't come to this but it is very possible. I suppose it takes two to tango I some would say the mess I am in is my own fault for allowing him back in my life all the time. He is very manipulative and knows how to play me. However, it has taken something as serious as maybe losing my career to bring me to my senses. I still love him but not like I used to, I'm scared that I will never meet or love anyone the way I love him, but I would rather live alone and in peace than be a sad figure of a woman living with a master deceiver. I feel empowered through reading all your stories and I congratulate you ladies that have found the courage to end it, I know I will now it's just a matter of time. I would appreciate some feed back if anyone has the time or inclination. kind regards Dawn x

...
written by Mrs Jones , 21 January, 2008

Hi ladies, I am just 26 years old and have been married to my husband for 4 years. In total we have been together nearly 8 years. In that time we have laughed together, cried together and been through some really bad things. I thought he was my best friend, my lover and my soul mate and I trusted him 100%. In October 2007 I found out that he had been cheating on me with an older woman for 3 years. He swears he is sorry, says he loves me and will never hurt me again. But the damage is done and I am finding it hard to accept him back and I certainly don't trust him. No one could believe it when I told them about his cheating because he has always seemed such a loyal and devoted husband. I don't want to tear my family apart but I am having a really hard time dealing with it????????? He tells me that everyone makes mistakes and his friends have cheated on their wives and been forgiven. Am I the only one who thinks what he has done is devastating, am I wrong for not being able to let go and forgive????

...
written by Confused. , 28 January, 2008

This site was exactly what I needed. Not that I wanted to see other peoples heartbreak, but because I wanted/needed to know I wasn't alone. Just want you ladies to know I spare a thought for you and feel your pain & emotion through all your stories you've written.

I've been in a relationship for four years, since i was a teenager. He's my first-love, yet like so many of you.. I know he constantly flirts/cheats! I've caught him once, and he admitted to one relationship he had at the same time with me, I forgave him then as in the beginning we were apart distantly for some time. The thing that hurts the most is he's with another married women who's got kids right now. She's a total B*tch and has rubbed it in my face! I wonder if anyone else has ever experienced the other women being a nasty B word? It makes me feel humiliated and a total fool, problem is my boyfriend will and won't ever admit it too me, and is in total denial. Problem is, I love him to death, we're meant to get married in about a year.. Yet I don't think I can commit.

I'm ashamed to just pretend what happens right now is not happening. Love is destroying and uncontrollable, so strong that we may even stay in the hurt & pain. Weird as it may be, I know I'll destroy him if I leave.. I know he loves but, but he can't control himself..

There's other pieces to the puzzle, but I best leave it as this.

...
written by sunshine5 , 01 February, 2008

I just recently found out my husbands been having an affair. Its been going on for 5mths and its so hard. We have been together for 12 years married for 4 years and we have 2 beautiful boys together 2yrs and 5 yrs. I had suspicions but I just told myself I trusted him and he wouldn't do that to me. Boy did I feel stupid. I just fill like I will never be able to trust him again. He did suggest going to marriage counseling and we have been for a month now. He says he wants to work it out and that he cant live without me or his kids, but I just think to myself how could he do this have sexual relations with her than come home to me. It just makes me sick. That bad part was he worked with her and my mom was there boss.

...
written by Mimi , 04 February, 2008

It happened to me, too, but I'm over it now. As long as I never have to see him or have any contact with him, I'm good. It's taken a year. Fortunately he lives on the other side of the planet. But I wanted to say something to those women who blame themselves or think they are worthless, stupid, and so on. I've lived all over the world, and it's always the nicest people who have the worst governments. Cheaters by their nature encounter loads of potential partners, and also, by their nature, don't trust easily (because they know all about lying). So who do they choose to marry? Only the most decent, kind, loving and trustworthy among us. NOT because they can pull the wool over our eyes, but because they think that by marrying us they'll have one solid rock in their shifty, deceitful lives. They don't LIKE being the way they are. So please, ladies, don't beat yourselves up because you fell for a bad 'un. Just don't fall into the trap of believing you can change him. You'll end uo buried under all his shit. Good luck all!

...
written by saminamalik , 16 February, 2008

I'm married to my husband for the past eight years. We have two beautiful kids, 7 years old son and 4 years old daughter. By profession he is a hotelier. Although he told me about his colorful past, I never imagined he could cheat on me, especially physically. That was the biggest mistake I ever made! Twice he was thrown out of his job because he used to have sex while he was working. He has been and still is involve with a lot of women, he frequently has phone sex, and he is least bothered about his image. He has no idea that I know all about this, because whenever I confronted him he denies everything! He is a psycho. Now I am only using him, the way he used me. My entire focus is my two children and their good upbringing and I give a shit about my morally corrupt husband, who is actually a sex addict.

...
written by 666 , 17 February, 2008

You don't need men... life is so much better... and must say less painful without them. My dad's a cheater... and all the men around me are too...
must be something in there blood...

...
written by ### , 17 February, 2008

Hello Everyone.
Ok, I am a 16 student.
First off, I hate men... all of them.
I hope any one who has been cheated on and has kids reads this.
My father is a pig and has cheated on my mother... millions of times. But, she is staying "for her kids" ...me and my brother.
We all know that he is a cheater... I have known this for as long as i can remember... probably before my mom did.
And she tells everyone she stays for us.
WOMEN - DON'T STAY WITH HIM FOR YOUR KIDS
Trust me. It's worse. Your killing your kids... slowly but surely.
I hate being in the same house as him.
Every time he does it hurt us more then it does you because we have to deal with whether to tell or not... are we suppose to tell... then it will start trouble make you sad and we don't wanna do it... so we help hide it and its just hard.
I don't think his makes any sense.
I'm just trying to help your kids out... cause I have been dealing with this for so long.
JUST LEAVE.
If you don't leave... you are going to mess up your kids head... and they are never gonna tell you.

...
written by still angry , 18 February, 2008

My soon to be ex fiance cheated on me when I was seven months pregnant, It lasted for three months. I knew the girl he did this with, whats worse is she kept trying to be my friend because she didn't have any (imagine that). It was his idea to have a baby he begged me for months to get pregnant so he wore me down and I agreed only to find him having an affair. At first he was sorry and then he had the nerve to say it was my fault. What a load of crap!!! He knew what my pregnancy would be like, we already have other kids. He is a deputy and apparently some women out there have badge fetishes and don't care if there married taken or whatever. Whats sucks is he wants to stay together, but the reality is it's been almost a year since I found out and I will never be able to forgive him or love him like I used to,he has made it impossible for me to respect him,or look at him like a decent member of society. I'm angry he ruined our family he hurt the kids and me, for some fat dispatcher. I refuse to live with a man that I look at like gutter trash. I have higher regard for stray dogs and homeless people than I do for him. Sounds harsh but a year later and thats how I feel.

...
written by Stupid ME , 06 March, 2008

Okay... I have been thinking all this time that I am ALONE in this world... but guess what? After reading how many other women are living my nightmare I realize I am definitely not alone. Long story short, been married just 5 years. Thought this man walked on water. He is in the military, I have stood by him through 2 deployments, left my career, traveled with him, gave up everything not once but twice to make it work only to discover that he is NEVER going to change. Just recently left him and moved back to my home state where I am struggling every minute of every day to piece back together my life, move on and not think about him. There have been moments when I absolutely want to die but 6 weeks into our separation I am finally sleeping, starting to eat and falling OUT OF denial. My husband cheated on me more times than I can even remember, got someone else pregnant, gave me an STD and brought me so low that even I didn't recognize myself. Met these sleezy women on the internet, clubs or anywhere you can find a woman who will sleep with a married man and not care. You name it and I have been through it. I felt and still sometimes feel like I cannot live without him but I know...somehow I will and the idea of dying with AIDs just somehow always brings things to light. If anyone wants to chat and pen pal through this hardship, feel free to write me at \n This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it '> This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . I set this up only for this purpose. It is a help to talk with people who are experiencing the same thing and trust me... YOUR FRIENDS, most likely have forgotten what its like to be in your shoes. If you are one who is going through this, don't feel like the Lone Ranger and don't let people put you down for your efforts. Just try to sole search and find out why you have let it happen and what you have to do to never let it happen again. That is where I am at right now. For those of you who are the "other woman" please do not email me. No disrespect to you but it seems you have no respect for the woman whose husband you are sleeping with so keep in mind what goes around...always comes back around. That I do know. Hope to hear from someone soon.

...
written by winterburd , 06 March, 2008

I was married for 30 years... and we were so happy... but he always did his thing. He played soccer every weekend, trained twice a week and spent every Fri & Sat in a bar...
I had 3 kids, and we didn't have any money... so I thought up ways to earn money and went to work whenever he came in. I had a small grocery store for a while... worked 24/7 for 5 years as the kids grew up... and he blamed me for being tired all the time, not wanting to go out etc. If I did want to go out, it was me had to find a babysitter, find money to pay her and then find something to wear. He didn't really like going out with me.
I knew he was flirty, but I kind of liked it because he was good looking and I felt good when other women looked at my man. One woman in particular was always hanging round him. My two daughters didn't like her. I felt threatened but ignored it because he always said he would never cheat "It's you and me against the world!" he'd say... and I'd believe him.
On our 25th wedding anniversary I arranged a trip away. He wouldn't go. When I arranged the same trip the following year, he couldn't wait to get back and I found him on the phone to flirtygirl telling her all about what we'd done... I should have left him then...I didn't.
Two years later, I came home early from work one day and he was in bed with the barmaid from the local bar. I threw him out and divorced him. My kids stood by me as he continued to lie to them (meanwhile the barmaid was admitting to having sex with him and agreeing to be the other woman in the divorce) The kids still think he's an ass.
Now he has another long term girlfriend, but he texts me most days, comes to take me to lunch while I'm at work....and he lies to her constantly about where he is.

It's a shame she doesn't know what a lying, cheating piece of sh*t he is... but I think it won't be long till he gets caught out again. Why am I allowing him to do this to another poor long suffering woman? Well... because it'll hurt him... and he needs to know how that feels!!

...
written by So much Pain and Hurt. , 10 March, 2008

I feel so much pain and hurt for all these people who
have been cheated on.
May I share my pain with you all, I'm a young widow, and I have two children, and my husband was a good, faithful man. But I've survived and its made me stronger, and so will all of you, be strong and love yourselves enough not to be treated with so much disrespect, this is not love at all when you are cheated on!! Good Luck

...
written by woman in texas , 03 April, 2008

My husband and I have been married 5 years. We are 26 and 28. My husband is not a sexually active man since he has gained weight and I feel like he is not faithful. He has lied to me about being at work and he is at a bar drinking. He flirts with women in front of me when we go out and have a few drinks. I have confronted him about it and he says that he does nothing wrong. I have a habit of bringing up the past when we argue but I feel like he never allows me to heal before he does something again to open the wound. I feel like we are both tired, me always on the defense and he wishing I was the woman he married not the bitter woman I am now. I have not caught him cheating but if I did, he and I would be over. I feel so mad when he flirts and I would not want to be married to a cheater.

...
written by tramatized , 05 April, 2008

Your gut never lies. Get this, I have been married 29 years to a police officer, liar, and a compulsive sex addict. Five years into our marriage he got another woman pregnant. I found out about the child
Ten years later, he gave me warts, infections, totally traumatized me. I grew up watching my mother be abused by my father, so I thought it was normal to tolerate such abuse by a man.

After 29 years of marriage you would think he would give it up. I live each day in misery knowing it's only a matter of time that he will be on his journey again! I am filled with bitterness, hate, anger for this man. He is such the tall, dark, handsome, "funny... charmer" He can charm any woman!!! He is the kindest person, so everyone falls into his charm. He knows exactly how to get any woman he wants into bed by his kindness, charm. B/S. At a party that I wasn't invited to, there was a CD of him having a very long kiss with one of his co-workers, and hugging , grabbing two other womans breasts. After almost thirty years of tolerating his crap my gut knows this will never ever end.

Today all I want is my sanity, peace in my mind from this horror. I should of left so, so, long ago.
My husband has always treated me well, other than his secretive lies. At my age of 49, and being married for almost 30 years nothing has changed for me. I still live in this world of craziness, fear, hate, quilt, shame, sorrow, and pain.

If these cheaters can get away with it... they just do it!! It's a power trip to help them with their own lack of self esteem, it feeds them, it fills their own lack. They feel empowered, in control, when they can get that cute woman with the fake boobs into the sack... or anyone else that has the need to be loved.

After 30 years I'm absolutely DONE!!! I'm just waiting to catch the secretive liar. I'm living in denial... I know what I want today, someone with MORALS... does it even exist???? I doubt it!

I'm somewhat awake today, after many years of soul searching, counseling. There is no love in my heart for this man. I'm going through the motions only. I like the man, but will NEVER give him myself fully again!!
These were his choices and after thirty years... THEY NEVER...CHANGE. I'M JUST WAITING FOR THE DAY.

My mother stayed with the same abuser, so this was my role model, my grandmother stayed with her abuser/husband for years, and he was my (grandfather) that for years tried to abuse me??? he was in his seventies.

WE NEED TO TEACH OUR KIDS THE MORALS THAT HAVE BEEN LOST.

There is know excuse for me staying in this. I was scared straight as a child, abused, fear, emotional abuse in childhood, severe fighting and screaming that my MOM stayed in. I watched her suffer in the same kind of horror. I was taught, that this kind of behavior was ok to be in. Get your kids out if your in this kind of cycle.
It seems so many families are trapped into this sick cycle.

THE SIGNS, I THINK I HAVE BEEN TAUGHT THEM AFTER 30 YEARS.
1. SECRETIVE
2. COP HOURS, "ALWAYS WORKS OVERTIME"
3. CELL PHONE -HIDES IT AT WORK, NEVER BRINGS IT HOME
4. CELL PHONE BILL KEEPS IT AT WORK, SO I DON'T QUESTION HIM.
5. PAY STUB HIDES IT OR FROM YOU AT DIFFERENT TIMES.
6. SOMEONES PERFUME ON HIS CLOTHES
7. SOME NIGHTS NEVER COMES HOME UNTIL 2:00, 3:00 A.M.
8. STAYS OUT LATE
9. WORKS OUT A LOT MORE THAN BEFORE
10. BUYS NEW CLOTHES
11. GOES EVERYWHERE BY HIMSELF
12. TALKS TO OTHER WOMAN A LOT
13. VERY FRIENDLY TO WOMAN
14. DRINKS A LOT
**BIGGEST CLUE HIDING THERE CELL PHONE, PHONE BILL, PAY CHECKS, WORKING OT, HIDING EVERYTHING FROM YOU, """SECRETIVE""", WANTS EVERYTHING SEPARATE FROM YOU, WANTS HIS OWN ACCOUNT ...DISTANT
CHEATER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...
written by Karen (UK) , 05 April, 2008

Having just chucked my husband out of 5 years (we have been together 10) after finding a text from another woman on his phone, I can tell you they don't change. My ex had an affair one year before we were married and one year after. He also had two affairs whilst married to his first wife!!
What can I say, the writing was on the wall, and I thought I could make it better for him. I was devastated when I found he had an affair, it ruined the memory of my wedding day knowing that the person standing beside me in the wedding photos was having sex with another woman. But I took him back - his acts of contrition were unbelievable, he really acted sorry, and totally made up during the past 5 years,buying me a new car, buying me presents, flowers, weekends away, exotic holidays,... until a few months ago, when my gut instincts kicked in again... then I found the text. This time however, my head is held high, I know it isn't me, this time I am totally innocent and not one person can say I didn't try! He is of course denying the text meant anything, that it was harmless flirting etc etc, but the guy is nuts, he really is living in a denial - he is a pathological liar who has no self esteem and frankly he ain't my problem any more.
Move on girl, get the strength to end the relationship - it isn't easy, you will go through pain, you will cry - I do, I miss the adult company, I miss being married, I miss looking forward to spending time with my husband - BUT I DON'T MISS HIM! and there is a difference, I think far too much of myself to put up with anyone who doesn't share my values and ideals - learn to love yourself and you too will get that inner strength to get rid of him. good luck xx

...
written by hurt, confused, betrayed , 11 April, 2008

WOW. It's been so beneficial for me to read everyone's stories and comments. I found out about 6 weeks ago that my boyfriend, who had been living with me for 9 months, had been cheating on me with not just 1, but 2 different women. Each started about 3 months after the other. When finally caught, he said that he doesn't think he's capable of change... but still loved me and wanted to try, and didn't want to lose me. So we tried. Or at least I TRIED. I thought we were trying, but he was only continuing to lie so he could keep me happy and continue to see the other woman. Like many of you have said in your comments -- I should've seen the writing on the wall. I am not the 1st, 2nd, or even the 3rd person he's been with and cheated on. It is a cycle and pattern he is incapable of breaking. That would require that he actually WANTED to break it. These last 6 weeks have been pure emotional HELL... as I really do love him and want to BELIEVE that he can be different and we can make it. But my belief in him has been re-shattered too many times, and it's not enough for me to be the only one trying and believing. He cannot and will not change.... it's been very difficult for me to accept that, because I want him to so badly. But he is not my mess to fix.... NONE of these cheating, lying men are our mess to fix. We deserve better.

...
written by merry go round betrayal , 27 April, 2008

In short: been there, done that, wounds don't heal .
With that being said, I've come to realize that most of us are for one reason or another stuck in the situation, otherwise, it would be easier to just pack and go.
The ladies who have invested 1/2 their lives sacrificing career for family, lost our identities, for compulsive cheaters who never had the ability to respect.
Wouldn't it be great if somehow the cheated on, like in first wives club, could network together nationwide and unite, help each other get jobs that we could actually raise our kids by ourselves on, afford to pay rent and eat. There has to be an enormous collection of ladies who have been used and abused by cheaters, landlords, employers, lawyers, etc. that if we all looked after another, maybe the tables would be turned on these men.
I do believe one in less desirable circumstance has to get their ducks in a row prior to leaving, and with today's economy, that isn't always easy to do. I'm trying to do that now, and what I thought was a year extension of misery is now going into the second year of escape prep!!
I do believe that the only way to beat a cheater, is to leave. Love is respect, and cheating is disrespect.

...
written by finally over it , 28 April, 2008

I'm fifty four years old, and I've been divorced for two years almost. My cheater left his first wife for me, and I smugly thought he would never cheat on me HAH!! LEOPARDS DO NOT BECOME TIGERS!!!!
How to know your husband of 14 years is cheating:
1. He has worn white cotton briefs for our entire marriage, and now wears silk boxers. Told me I was the underwear police when I questioned him about it.
2. Asks me, his then 52 year old wife in full blown menopause if it is ok for him to get a vasectomy!
3. Starts wearing gold chains, new shirts and cologne to "go have a beer with the guys"
4. Calls me every day at work, to find out what I am doing after work. I thought, how nice, he thought, I need to know where she is so she won't catch me.
5. Spends hours on the cell phone, out in the hot tub, then tells me he is talking to one of our mutual friends. I go in the house, and call that friend, who has not heard from him in months.....
6. I found Viagra and Condoms in his wallet, then he tells me that the Viagra was for me( HA!) and the condoms were his sons, (What bull!)
7. I catch him with the 30 year old blond, who looks cute on a barstool and has the IQ of lint and he says the all time classic "It's not what you think..."

So please tell me, what is it then??
Keep your chin up, gals, They really aren't worth all of this pain. You will eventually laugh your butt off over the whole thing.

...
written by Christinea , 29 April, 2008

18 years of marriage and infidelity- I am sitting here trying to do some work and wondering who my husband is screwing tonight. My spouse is into men. We both just agreed on a divorce- but I am left with all the worries and tears. I feel so ashamed, stupid and very lonely.

...
written by KX , 06 May, 2008

I am that man! I have noticed that there are so many comments about the victimized women and I feel for you all, but as I said I am that man and no it's not something that I'm happy about. I have spent the better part of the last 20 years doing what I have done. My wife has forgiven me a number of times, but I continued. I don't want to lose my marriage but I have struggled with this problem constantly justifying what I do with some trivial crap just to make myself feel better. I know it's very wrong and for the last couple years I have struggled trying to understand why that happens to me. I was raised without a father or guidance from my mother. I tried to have a discussion with her not too long ago regarding this problem. I have never met my father, so I asked if he was also like me, or better yet is this something that I inherited from him. I hate that this occurs and my wife is about to leave me after my last incident. My wife is beautiful and walks on water for me, so it's not like these other women were better or offered me more. That has been the most difficult thing to accept and understand.
I can't stand to bare the thought of not having my wife and 4 children. I do know that I have issues and that I need to fix them. I have turned to GOD since I have hit rock bottom. I have also began to read a number of books that have changed the way I see things both at home and within myself. One of them is "Sacred Marriage" by Gary Thomas. This booked helped me in understanding the importance of my family and my marriage. It teaches you to see the important things and accept her for who she is and see how special she really is. This addressed the excuse of thinking that you're not happy at home with your wife and that this other women gives you something that you can't get at home. The other book was "Every Man's Battle" this book guides you in controlling the Male Human Sexual Instinct that is discussed on this site. It relates to the sexual behaviors of the male mind and how to go about making the changes to eliminate these behaviors. This is a good read for women as well since it describes what men think in detail. What our mental thought process goes through and how we feed off of our thoughts and how they turn into sexual desires. The author also includes the female point of view in each chapter so that as a male reader you get the womens perspective into something that she knew nothing about. Both of these books have helped me adjust my behavior, but I see that it is a constant struggle. I also know that the man must acknowledge his problem and want to change his behavior. He must see himself as the problem and want to change himself.
I don't know if my marriage will survive since my wife has been so hurt, but for my own sake and the sake of my family and possible future partners, I must overcome this issue, because I can't stand myself. I feel like a failure and I know I'm better than that.
I am so sorry for what you women have gone through, but please believe that deep down inside we really don't want to be the way we are.
I hope in some way my comments may be a little helpful.

...
written by sekayi , 06 May, 2008

Thank you everyone - I needed to know that I am not alone. This is his 3rd time, I have 3 small children and I am freaking out thinking he might give me a disease from his affairs. This time, like others have said, I know its not me. But I feel stuck, held hostage, I found out two weeks after buying a new house that I cant afford on my own. Even still I probably would leave but I work late hours and he needs to be there to take care of the kids. These men are selfish and disgusting. He laid up with these questionable women and came home and kissed my children! How disgusting. He even went so far as to bring them to my house. I truly believe there is nothing I can do to fix this. I want to be able to look my children in the eye and tell them that I did everything I could to make it work but how many times do I have to forgive?

...
written by GivenUp , 08 May, 2008

Thanks KX for your insight, but I have been married for 2 years, and my husband does not care about my feelings at all. I think men who cheat are very selfish. I have heard all the promises, and I tell him that he needs to really pray if he wants to change cause I cannot make him. I am tired of the drama, and yesterday we had the final talk. I think it's finally over. I just don't know why it hurts so bad. This man hurt me immensely, so shouldn't I be happy we finally through?

...
written by ShaftyJen , 21 June, 2008

My husband cheats. I know it - he doesn't know i know. He's done this with women I know and even with women who have been in our home. He was married before and cheated on her with me, so I can't say I am a victim. What to do? Well, while you must have crossed a certain threshold to take the action I've taken, I am now cheating on him. With men he might know and men I find sexually desirable. Given that his ego is huge (overcompensation on his part, not warranted by life circumstances) and that I am much sharper than he is, he'll never suspect. Is this for everyone? No. But I've made my peace with married life and I am enjoying the hedonist path to sanity and contentment.

...
written by Ajinder , 23 June, 2008

Hi,

I have a suggestion for you.
Go for a long tour (with him only) for at least 15 days. Ask him to fulfill his fantasies with you. You too try to enjoy and do the things which he likes. And buy the things for him which he likes, and try to give him his favorite food. In short, just go for a SECOND HONEYMOON !!!
May this thing works and you are able to have a good married life with him.
And if this works, then DO NOT forget to repeat the whole procedure every 5-6 months.

...
written by TK , 01 July, 2008

Did you know that a woman who stays with a man who cheats becomes a co-addict in the man's sex addiction (assuming it is a sex/intimacy addiction which it very often is). She becomes the catalyst needed for the man to continue his behavior. If you are in a relationship like this seek a someone who specializes in helping sex addictions. YOU can not change him, but you can try and support him to change himself. Don't try to help him directly because like any addict chances are he simply wont listen. Just somehow get him to a professional. Remember you are working with an addict not someone who is doing things to hurt you.

PS: Most people who cheat on their spouses are women... men just get caught more often. We are all human and the only thing some sort of man hating, feminist attitude will gain you is pain.

...
written by Angeline @Irene , 09 July, 2008

Well after reading all the letters I believe we WOMAN must not put to much TRUST on their Man which once a upon time I was also a victim. It was very difficult moment but than again I was able to WAKE UP from a nightmare. Decided to earn extra money for myself and my two daughters. They think they have a wonderful father but soon they will know what kind of (Father) was he when they grow up. So you woman out there don't show your husband what you EARN as one day he might u can also make him your slave!!! Which is what I am doing NOW. I ignore whatever he does but at the same time be FIRM in all my decisions.

...
written by desperate for answers... , 16 July, 2008

My older sister is turning 30 this year and just found out in November of 07 that her husband of almost years had cheated on her with a coworker. Before being married they were together for 12 years. My brother-in-law was like a brother to my younger sister and I and like the son my dad never had. He had this demeanor that he was a good boy and by far the best choice for his eldest daughter. Big joke that was.... He told her it only happened once but everyone knew deep down it was a lie. The only reason why she found out was because of a text message....he had deleted all his inbox messages but forgot to delete the outgoing messages. So basically she found out by default. He is the kind of man who gives off a sexual energy.. always touchy freely and flirty. I always wondered why my sister didn't question him sometimes but it was only because she is naive and believed he was the best thing for her. Since then my sister has lost a considerable amount of weight...not from exercising and eating healthy but from depression. It is sad when people who have only seen her once or twice comment on how she looks sickly. After discovering this my sister stayed at my parents house for four days then went back to him on HER birthday. Since then she has completely changed and has not been the person who she was before, the sister I have known my whole life. Their is a bitterness in her tone and a sadness in her eyes. She just recently told us that she is having a baby... I was speechless and could not bring myself to be happy for her. It is plain to see that this is just a desperate attempt to mend their broken marriage. I know he did it more than once and I know he will continue to do so when my sister is engulfed with the new life growing inside her. He is a research assistant who works odd hours at times so unless I catch him myself I don't think she would ever leave him. Can someone please give me advice on this... I am desperate and can't watch my sister wither away and live on this false hope that it only happened once and will never happen again. Someone please help.

...
written by This is SAD! , 18 July, 2008

I'm in deep pain right now. Karen (UK) said learn to love yourself, how can I do that when every time I get out of one of his flings, I end up hating myself, stuffing myself and ruining every possible chance I have in life! I'm on self destruct mode right now. I wish I can just die and all this will be over. I went to counselling and they told me that you have to love yourself, will someone tell me how to do that when its me who is letting him keep going on and on? Im married by the way, since I was 19. 8 years now and nothing changed.

...
written by st69 , 23 July, 2008

This is a sad website! I have been married for 8 years to a mostly wonderful man. His only problem is that he is a dreadful cheat. I really don't have a problem with the cheating because this is my second marriage and my first ended because of cheating. I have numerous girlfriends who have cheating husbands. This is something that just happens. I think that more than 50% of men cheat. The reason that they cheat is the experience of sex with other women... the thrill. I have tried all kinds of sexual things to spice up our sex life, toys, lingerie, dirty talk, you name it. There is just something about having sex with someone new for him. He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me but for some reason he can't stop the affairs. The sad thing is that I always find out about the women that he is sleeping with. I spoke to the last two women who seemed to form some attachment to him that they could not break even though they on got to spend a few hours a month with him. I don't understand how they continue an affair with someone they cannot have more time with. Funny thing, both women said that the sex was horrible (erectile). He and I have great sex!!! I think that he has cheated so many times that he feels guilty and cannot completely perform. I think this is God's punishment for his infidelity !

...
written by shugba , 24 July, 2008

Ladies,
Yes my husband is cheating and I know it. He is so bold that she gave him a cell phone and pays the bill. Most of the time he drives around in her car. When I approach him about it he says these a just material things and lies about their relationship. Give me a break! We have been married for eighteen years a three children. One who is grown and other are teenagers. Sometimes I want him to leave and sometimes I don't. We have a house together and I am not going to leave my home and I think he knows this. I feel awful to say the least. Sometimes I feel like cheating but nice guys are limited and I might just end up with another cheater. Then there is the threat of Aids an other diseases. What's a good women to do?

...
written by cinthia , 25 July, 2008

Hi ladies I just happened to bump into this website I just want to let you all know that their is a light at the end of the tunnel. My so call then boyfriend would cheat on me all the time and when I would confront him he would always cry and tell me how so sorry he was I forgave him a few times even had his child (I already had a child from a previous relationship) but things just got worst, I finally got up packed my things and both my children and I were gone for good. He tried to come back but I refused to put up with his behavior he could never keep a job, he never had any money to help support his child in anyway, but always had money to party with friends and women. Just before my 2nd child turned 9 months I met the most wonderful man in the world he loves both my children and I and has been the only father figure my children have ever seen my youngest calls him daddy and in my eyes that is and will always be his father. It has been almost 3 years since I first met my prince charming and life has never been more wonderful we got married found out we are expecting another bundle of joy and have just purchased our very first home. There are good men out there unfortunately we have to pick some bad apples before we find that good one it took me 12 years and THANK GOD I finally found that good man. Ladies keep your heads up and continue to pray it may seem like it will take forever but your day will come and when it does your ex will realize what he lost and will try to come crawling back just like mine did.

P.S One never knows what they have until it's gone.

...
written by Nor , 27 July, 2008

I'm a victim too.

...
written by Jamie Figueroa , 29 July, 2008

Does anyone have any advice for my situation with my sister (read four entries above)? I just really want my sister back....

...
written by nice guy will finish first , 30 July, 2008

Read all this stuff and you ladies deserve better. I'm a guy, good looking, honest, faithful, hard working and a good father. Never cheated or even came close, but I married a habitual liar and cheater. She is mid 40s and looks are going downhill fast. She compensates by being more desperate and far reaching. I put my faith in God. She can do whatever she wants- when my last child graduates from high school I'm going to dump her asap. It will hurt my kids but I'm looking forward to finding someone like me who wants some fun, honesty, healthy lifestyle, and a generous spouse who will hold her hand, and walk down the beach just showing her some caring moments and a few smiles along the way. That will be my future. My wife will be alone, trying to steal someone else's guy- the last guy she was with had a wife dying of cancer while the two of them had their fun. Yes she sleeps just fine at night. She is lazy, selfish and focused on her looks and soap operas most of her day. I can do better. I will. So will you too....ladies out there, I'll be looking for ya. In the meantime take care, give your worries to God and love yourself more each day. Choose to be happier more each day, week, year. Make your break at the moment you have saved, planned and chosen to begin your life again. I'm hopeful for all of you. Have faith, lots of faith. Trust in the next life. Thank God for your blessings and give him your troubles. Pray.
Love to all,
Nice guy

...
written by quest , 11 August, 2008

This is a "ADDICTION". I read all I could on addictions and affairs and how I enabled our relationship. It helped me understand better what I needed to do. I hope this helps.

...
written by DaleP , 24 August, 2008

I cheat on my girlfriend often. I dont even feel bad about it.

...
written by seeker , 24 August, 2008

I was married very young, stuck it out with a habitual cheater for 15 years.

He is a good looking cheerful outgoing fella that everybody likes. He means no harm and loves everybody. A little too much. He was cheap, didn't spend much money, he said there was never enough for us to have a much desired child - according to him - but he did manage to get the neighbor pregnant. One of his many affairs. He started seeing her only two months after we got married. I found out about his only child after my divorce.
I was heart broken and devastated but divorced him with the help of wonderful attorney.

We became very close, the attorney and me, he was legally separated himself and understood my pain. We had a wonderful, healing, emotionally deep relationship for several years. We were in love, spend a lot of quality time together and it was the best time of my life. He always told me about his emotionally unstable, violent soon to be ex wife who had his children in her manipulative iron grip. I was not allowed to meet his kids as not to make her even more crazy which she would vent on the children. I even redecorated my home office to turn it into a child"s bedroom in anticipation of his divorce in case they would visit or live with us. He was very busy and traveled a lot but was extremely dedicated to our relationship. So I thought...

In a nutshell, one day I get a call from his sobbing wife, in reality they were not separated and very much together, she had no idea what was going on and was extremely upset. Nothing he told me was true, according to her he acted like a good husband, dedicated parent and pillar of society. He has a long history of cheating but had made promise to her not to do it again. Confronted, he dumped me just like that.

The one good relationship I ever had was all lies. Lies lies lies. I feel like someone pulled the rug out from under my feet - me being overly cautious but he always assured me. Of all people HE KNEW how devastated I was by my cheating ex-husband. He pursued ME, but now blames me of course.
How did I get to be the bad person, the "other woman". Now it is all my fault, I am the home wrecker. I am completely at loss.

It is a painful recovery but it is better wasting my time and love on a selfish incorrigible lair.

...
written by Spring , 25 August, 2008

Hello, I have been married for 3 years now with 2 beautiful sons. My husband has cheated on me several time before we got married and to this day still cheats on me whenever he gets mad. I left my home country for him and traveled thousands of miles to come live with him in the u.s. he doesn't seem to care. Not only odes he cheat but but he mentally abuses me "calls me fat, stupid, ugly, lil girl" He never apologized for his mistakes. He never takes me out and he is the coldest individual I have ever met. It seems as if he is possessed by the devil. I need help, I cant get myself to give up on this marriage for the sake of my children and our vows. I wish he could just wake up one day and realize that nobody will ever love him as much as i do. have I thought about killing myself- yes. But every time I look at my son's I think about what horrible effect that would have on their lives later. I am a good wife and mother. I am praying for each one of us to be strong and overcome every obstacle. It is hard to leave, so I am praying that God can change them......

...
written by still strong! , 26 August, 2008

I've read these articles and I must say I too have been cheated on. 9 years in this relationship and one child later, it's time to move on. These men need wake-up calls, and the only way they're going to get them is by knowing we love ourselves enough to leave them. You only get what you allow to GIVE! No lesson is ever learned if their is no consequences to pay. Water is never missed, unless the well runs dry.
GOD bless you all!

...
written by Over and Out , 02 September, 2008

I was married to my childhood sweetheart for 32 years. Ten years ago I found out he was having an affair. We went through the devastation, the hard work of putting our marriage back together, and the healing. He begged and cried and promised, blah blah blah. Now I found out he's been having affairs with not one but 3 women, and old friends, who now know I am divorcing him, are coming out of the woodwork to tell me about other affairs. Ladies, THEY DON'T CHANGE. We were the perfect couple. We were the envy of all our friends. We were a complete and total LIE. Get out now, get your friends and family to support you. Don't be afraid to ask for help in any way that you need it. After a few months, you will see it all get better. Much better. Good luck!

...
written by Been There , 06 September, 2008

I too have been in your shoes. My soon to be ex promised that he would not do to me as he did his first wife. I thought ok, everyone deserves a second chance. The old saying is true "If they do it once they will do it again".
He cheated several times, I caught him at six years and left. He begged and cried that he would not do it again. I told him I would not come back unless we went to counseling. We went and now six years later I have found that he has been seeing someone again. This time I have left for good. I have recently heard that he is already going out on his little bimbo. He is a sad excuse for a man. I have four brothers and they have all been faithful to their wives. My father has always been true to my mother. There are good men out there. It will just be a cold day in hell before I trust another for myself.

...
written by all too familiar , 06 September, 2008

i've been with my boyfriend for a little over six years. when we met, he seemed like such a genuine and sweet person. he won all my friends over. my family. he was humble and generous and understanding.

i had never met anyone so committed to improving their lives and leaving the mistakes of the past behind.
i felt for him so much... especially as he had been through a very traumatic upbringing, with a father who was a serial liar and cheater, and had left the family numerous times, emotionally and financially devastated. he always swore he was nothing like him, and that he thought cheating was the worst thing you could do to someone.

about a year into our relationship, he developed a drug addiction. i was floored. the next three years were horrific. i wouldn't wish what we went through on my worst enemy. he tried everything to get sober...but kept relapsing... and i couldn't bring myself to leave him, even though we were drowning in his sickness. it was hell. pure hell. finally, a year ago... something clicked. and he got clean. slowly, our lives were rebuilt.

all along, he kept promising me he would get better, and to wait for him, that our dreams of marriage and children were just around the corner. and for the first six months of his sobriety, i was so happy. so grateful. so hopeful. we were making plans for an engagement. and then, it all came crashing down... he admitted to me that he had been unfaithful numerous times during the relationship.... that he had engaged in risky behavior while using drugs... that he didn't know if he was capable of being faithful... that he was just like his father....I remember that day so clearly. i was so shocked that i ended up comforting him... because he was hysterical. i just couldn't wrap my mind around it.

we broke up and then tried to work it out again. i didn't want to give up after all this. i was hoping maybe it was just related to his drug use. but i've been seeing the last months, that it's not. i know i am being lied to. i can feel it in my bones. i don't even think it's a matter of being a good person or a bad person... it's that i don't believe anymore that he is capable of honesty, and it seems fidelity... for any sustained amount of time. whether its in his genes, or whether it was learned behavior in his home, whether he feels bad about it or wants to change or not... it's all kind of irrelevant. i am faithful. and he is not. and i can't live a lifetime of betrayal.

looking for a new place to live as it stands now. utterly heartbroken. in my mid thirties and afraid i will miss the chance to have children... because i waited on this man, gambled on him and lost. still love him the best parts of him and am unable to reconcile the person i know or thought i knew, and the other person who lives inside him.

anyway, love and strength to you all.

...
written by what now? , 17 September, 2008

I have been married for 4 years. We have two small children. My husband (so he says) has never actually cheated on me. I have found the numbers on the cell phone and he admits to talking to them but says he has never actually cheated. Last year, I caught him talking to an ex-girlfriend of his that he hasn't talked to in a long time. They both said they just talked on the phone. That was when I was pregnant with our youngest baby. Less than 2 months ago, I caught him talking to a perfect stranger. He only talked to her a few times but it is the fact of the matter. I was a stay home mom and I have just returned to work. I figured if the time came that I did want to leave, I would need my own income. It's not fair to my boys though. I don't want to disrupt their lives because my husband is stupid and can't be trusted. I don't think he has actually cheated but I don't know that for sure. I don't know what to do!!!!!

...
written by Samantha Wilson from Clanton ,AL , 30 September, 2008

Well I am going through the same thing but I am only 18 and my husband is 21. He found a woman at work also and he told me that he would never cheat on me. He now has gone to jail twice and has went both times because of him hitting and chocking me and well we have a 11 month old and he looks just like his daddy and he met her at work and he saw her for like a month and then he started hitting me. That woman is giving him drugs and well he has never hit me before and he is a really sweet man and the bad thing is, is that his is now living with her in a mobile home and he wouldn't ever want to live alone with me and now I am living with his mother and father because my whole entire family has disowned me because I still love him and want him back and I want my family back and so I am kidda stuck because I have no education and now I am in school I have never had a job and I've always been dependent on him and my parents are divorced and I never thought that I would ever go through what I am and I do not want to put my son through what my parents have put me through with the horrible divorce that they went through and I don't know what to do because it has been 3 months that they have been living together and I don't know what to do and the only reason that she wants him is because she lost her job and my husband has one and all she is doing is using him and I can't tell him because he will not listen to anything anyone says because of her and well I need help myself!!! if you could tell me what to do I need help I still want my husband back!

...
written by Desperateforcomfort , 03 October, 2008

I am desperate for advice. Please don't judge me badly. I have a 10 year old from a previous marriage. We divorced after I walked in on him having sex with my twin sister. I tried to make it work for about a year after catching them, but found out they kept seeing each other behind my back. I just couldn't continue hurting so I divorced him. After 10 years I am having trust issues and don't believe any man will ever be faithful to me because of what I've been through so I go out with married men. I know there will never be commitment so I don't have any expectations and can't be cheated on. After what my twin sister and ex have done I'm afraid I'm scarred for life. I'm lonely and very depressed. No one would ever suspect it because I take great care of myself. I would love to go to counseling, but it's so costly. Please help me.

...
written by FedUpFedUp , 24 October, 2008

PS Desperate,

Read up on the internet about people in your shoes. Join forums, this will help to see where you are, weigh the pros and cons, and also about people who have survived.

...
written by FedUpFedUp , 24 October, 2008

Spring,

If your marriage is so bad you thought of killing yourself - whats the next best thing you can have other than a dead you?

Move on - get a job, you can raise these kids without this abuse, this may also be what he needs to realize that he needs to change - a move.

someone said:
These men need wake-up calls, and the only way they're going to get them is by knowing we love ourselves enough to leave them. You only get what you allow to GIVE! No lesson is ever learned if their is no consequences to pay. Water is never missed, unless the well runs dry.
GOD bless you all!


and that is great stuff.

...
written by FedUpFedUp , 24 October, 2008

Dear Seeker,

There is light at the end of the tunnel trust me. You are not a home wrecker, you had no knowledge.

I always say, cause i see women beating each other up over a man, i always say the man is the problem.

Hurting two women and playing them against each other like that. better to loose him and start again.

My dear, find your inner healing and strength. God is out there, you will get your break.

Hugs and Love to you girl.

...
written by FedUpFedUp , 24 October, 2008

Dale P,
You cheat and don't even feel bad, is in no conscience or angst about it? Nada?

You don't love her, and you either silently want out of the relationship, so it is actually her job to break up with you and not yours or your just crap.

...
written by FedUpFedUp , 24 October, 2008

Karen UK,

Yes, love yourself honey. In a mass of continuous abuse, there is usually a straw that breaks the camel's back - find it, and that will help you decide to move on or work at it if its worth it.

...
written by CALAMITYJANE , 07 November, 2008

MY HUSBAND HAS NOT TOUCHED ME IN TWO YEARS!! He says he is not attracted to me...he says I'm fat 5 feet 6 inches and weigh 180. I am extremely pretty he says I have the potential for HAVING IT ALL and I just don't take advantage of it...men and women out there HELP ME PLEASE.

...
written by Loulou , 09 November, 2008

I've let my husband completely destroy me. He must not know how bad it hurts, or surely he would not do this. He is deployed right now and when I googled his user name (not right, I know) I found his profile on a nasty singles sex site. He's been doing nasty video chats with people. He looked at porn before and it is prohibited where he is now. I guess he is a real addict. I haven't told him that I know yet and have even gone so far as to contact him through this site, and he replied. Its horrifying and I feel like I must be the ugliest most unattractive woman on earth for this to happen. Another part of me says that he has a problem and if I can be caring enough to accept him and identify with him, we can get through this. It infuriates me, though, that while I'm running the house and raising our son by myself, he thinks its okay to be doing this. I know if the tables were turned, he would have the fit of the century. I am amazed with my steadfastness but am experiencing very sick symptoms and extreme anxiety from holding all this in. I wish I had never met him. How will I ever ensure my son won't treat a woman like this if I don't leave? I love him so much but apparently its not mutual. He's literally destroyed me as a person as I can't seem to trust anyone for anything ever again. Bastard.

...
written by One Day , 09 December, 2008

There is no guarantee in life or love. We try to pick the best man we can find and give all we have to create a family, a life worthy for our children. Most men will always try to get some excitement on the side, some don't. What should we do? There are only two options: leave or stay. For the lucky ones that can leave; a job, a supportive family will help. Strong back bone will also give you strength, but you will need strong characters too. To stay? You must find a way to better your marriage or yourself. You might want to stay bcs of your children, they'll grow no matter what, but don't stop improving yourself: school, job training so you can get out when the time is finally right. Don't put up with violence.
Your mate is weak/unfaithful/damaged, if you stay with him, what does that say about you? You must believe you can change yourself and that your future is yours to control. Hurt for a bit (it's normal to be disappointed), dust yourself off, stand tall, tell yourself he doesn't deserve you and be the woman he will always feel bad that he screw-up by. Let him do the regretting. You go and be the best you can be. Don't give up. You are important to lots of people.

...
written by may252002 , 18 December, 2008

Wow! Hi girls. I found out 4 days before thanksgiving! The whole family coming and everything, Now with Christmas around the corner, I am a crumpled mess. Mine turns out is a meth addict, and sex addict! At least 1 crack whore a month according to his confessions. I still love him. always will. I will always pray for his well being, but I can't sacrifice my children or myself for him. I cry every day. I miss his smell...his feel...everything in spite of it all. And... he is crying too. Begging me to forgive him. He is sick and needs help. I can love him and feel for him, but will not be with him. Alanon meetings help a lot! try it. Also... for those of you who are still grieving, like me... there is a website. google 7 stages of grief and you will find it.Grieving is about loss. It doesn't need to be death. Read "loving Robert" It is my entry. And no matter what others will say.. Remember.. We are not weak! We are not losers for our commitment and sorrow. God made us loving woman. There aren't many of us left out there. However... God never created us to be abused and hurt and riddled with disease. Be strong, and leave. It may be the best thing that ever happened to you AND your spouse. Remember a famous quote ( can't remember the author) but this is a motto for my own life .... You will not go until the pain of where you are is greater than your fear of going. Good luck and god bless all of you.

...
written by losingfaith , 25 December, 2008

Hi everyone. I have read everyone's posts and I can't tell you how much it helps to know I am not alone. I am just so very sorry for the pain we have all suffered. I try every day to use the pain to get to know myself and to grow as a person. Work in progress....

I was in a 16 year relationship with someone who I truly believed was my sole mate/best friend/family man/hard working etc. I now know it was an illusion. This man cheated on me with prostitutes/internet pick ups etc for every one of our 16years together (I now know he had been using prostitutes since being a teenager). I first found out when I was pregnant with our third child about his behavior, he begged and pleaded for a second chance. Not realizing the full extent of his cheating at that point and for the sake of the children, I agreed to stay. I wasted a further five years of my life (naively believing he would never cheat on me again) before I found out that he never stopped. Finally, I came to my senses and asked him to leave. I believe he is a sex addict and has an obsessive compulsive disorder. He is incapable of love, he only knows attachment. He has never truly let go, but I have. Ending the relationship was hard, letting go of what I thought I had. But I do not have one single regret. I never had what I believed I had.

I moved myself and my children to a new neighborhood and began my process of healing.

A few months later, my neighbor and I began a physical relationship. I got emotionally involved. Clearly this man didn't. I found out a year and a half later that he was sleeping around, that every single word that had come out of his mouth was a lie. He lied for the sake of lying. He got a kick from it. It took seeing him take another female neighbor into his house late one night and having to listen to his bed springs (his bedroom is the other side of my bedroom wall) to realist. I called him on his mobile phone as he took her upstairs and he turned it off! Nice guy. The memory of that night will haunt me for a long time to come, the pain was so bad it was physical. I rang him the following morning, he answered his phone and acted like nothing had occurred, like I was mad. Needless to say, he is history, I rapidly recognized him as the sociopath he is and genuinely pity others who will encounter him in life. He was very convincing. He is no loss, but the pain of allowing myself to be deceived for a further 1.5 years after 16years of being deceived by my former partner is something I am having difficulty coming to terms with. I am being eaten alive with anger not only against him, but mostly against myself for allowing him to deceive me. I am reminded every day of his deceit and its impact upon me, as he is my neighbor. I resent the head space he occupies as he is not worthy of my time and energy. I have a lot of work to do on myself to make sure I never allow a sociopath into my life again. He has no hope of recovery. I am sad that I can never ever trust again.


Strength and peace to you all.

...
written by ritehere , 28 December, 2008

hey, i am 61 and one half years and have been married to my second husband for 20yrs. a cheating husband is a hard enough thing to deal with when you have a decent amount of your youth left but when you get further on in years its much more difficult. i have been betrayed by my husband for many years. he lies and cheats and does all those typical cheating flags like turns off his cell phone as soon as he gets in the house and then turns it on when he goes back out. he then talks outside. his son and him share the bill so the bill goes to the son's house. i have found viagra four separate times in different places and twice with a supply of condoms. I have never felt the affects of the viagra experience, even though i have asked many times for a practice season with the medicine. i have told the people most closest to me and they say well maybe those things belong to a friend!! they support his behavior!!a gal knows.just wish he would admit this lifestyle but,he NEVER will. he loves the respect that integrity brings so; knows that admitting to his would create a dishonorable man. sick. thanks for all of your help.

...
written by Lenniewood , 02 January, 2009

Women, I feel each and everyone's pain. I, too, am married to a serial cheater for 30 yrs. Cheated before we got married, after we marry when he went to Germany (he was in the military) - excuse, he thought I was messing with someone else. He started cheating three weeks after arriving in Germany. Came home and was calm for a little while. The biggest hurt was he was cheating with our next door neighbor, who I thought was a friend of mine. Bought her big ticket items like a water softner for the house, tires for her car, etc. He cheated every weekend with her because I was in a military unit where I was gone most weekends. Then he got bold and it was during the week. She got bold and constantly call the house. I pack all his stuff into the pick up truck, including the mattress he and her had sex on and told him to leave. he left for about a week wandering from piller to post (she wouldn't let him stay with her because I cut off all his credit) Supposedly we worked it out. That was a laugh. Three years later, it was his ex-wife he divorced 26 years ago. We had been married for 25 years then. Now it is someone he claims is only a friend. A friend who calls at 6:45 in the morning on his cell, or during the evening and he leaves the room, or he goes to work on a Sunday to talk to her, etc, etc. We are now married thirty years and this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I am too old for this crap and amazingly not in love with him anymore. I am getting our finances together, saving a little each month, and this new year will leave him. He thinks everything is the same, meaning it is my fault he cheats - my sexual attitude, my not being his friend, my not trusting him. This has become a joke, only I am not laughing. His best buddies help him to cheat, by offering advice on how to cover his tracks. It is amazing how much digital recorders can record and hold. I am collecting as much as I can because I need all the ammo possible for a divorce. It is community property in this state and I intend to hit him hard and heavy--in his wallet. Wish me luck and all you ladies take care. Chin up, our new life has to be an improvement over a cheating husband, especially a serial cheater. It is better to live alone and in peace than with a serial cheater and always in turmoil.

...
written by scorpio47 , 05 January, 2009

Have a question for all you WOMEN out there. I'm in a relationship with a woman who has a history of cheating in her past with more than one BF (the last four in a row at least). After some problems in our relationship, she ended up cheating on me as well, and I took her back. Going through this thread, it looks like the general consensus is that men typically will not change the vast majority of the time if they have this kind of history. What about women. Am I getting my hopes up in thinking she can change as well? Do women fall in the same boat? Please help - i really do love this woman, but if it's likely I'm setting myself up, I couldn't live like that...

...
written by Taylor0987 , 15 January, 2009

I think it depends. I cheated on my previous boyfriend and promised to never do it again. Now, I am married to a wonderful man who I would never even think of cheating on.

But if you have worries about it then I wouldn't stick around because it will just eat you alive.

...
written by Deby M , 26 January, 2009

I just found out that my husband of 35 years has been having an affair with a girl in costa rica (he has an office there) for 8 years. I am 58 getting divorced lonely depressed and heartbroken.

...
written by Tracy B , 05 February, 2009

Wake up honey. He wouldn't cheat on you if he loved you and respected you. Don't believe that he is emotionally attached to you either. Some people never form emotional attachments. He may have married only because he wanted someone to be home for him to raise his children, cook for him and do the housework. Some people believe that everyone is basically good or they can be changed with love and faith in God. It's not true. He is bad to you, dump him. You are not doing your children any favors. Kids know when their parents cheat. Your kids are already scarred by it and staying together for the kids only models a bad relationship for them and they will grow to resent you and your husband for ruining their relationships and having trust issues.

...
written by Me Too , 05 February, 2009

scorpio47: Yes, women are the same. She has cheated on everyone she has been with? She is not sorry and she will cheat on you again. You can't truly love someone who doesn't love and respect you.

...
written by intuition101 , 14 March, 2009

I'm not happy this has happened to anyone else, but I was feeling very alone in my predicament. The woman who posted the comments about contributing to your own misery was right on. I ignored my intuition and ignored all the signs for 1 1/2 years. He was married, he lied about his family, himself and his job. He gave me an STD and obviously had no issue with spreading it around. I spoke to a previous girlfriend. He was trying to get back together with her while he was with me...and married at the same time! Signs point to him cheating on the previous girlfriend and on me as well. He was very charming, made me feel like I was the only one in the world for him, and told me everything I wanted to hear. He said he wanted a life with me. I loved him so much. I feel like I've been emotionally raped. However, I adjusted my behavior and personality to be with him and, again, ignored my intuition. So I have to take some responsibility for this. I have been in contact with his wife. I not only feel bad for myself but for her also. Sometimes I feel it's a nightmare and I'm going to wake up. Well, I'm awake and I know what I need to do now. Men like this who constantly lie and cheat and manipulate are sociopaths (look it up) and maybe they can change if they get professional help and actually want to change, but they probably won't. My new rules: take care of myself, be myself, listen to my intuition, and if it looks like I might be dating someone for awhile he gets a background check (if he doesn't like it he can hit the road). Aside from my children, I am my most precious asset and this will NEVER happen to me again. These men prey on vulnerable women and I will no longer be listed in that category! Take good care of yourselves ladies!

...
written by intuition101 , 14 March, 2009

All of these sites deal with the person who was cheated on. I would be interested to know if anyone has seen any sites that help the unwitting "other woman" recover.

...
written by Jen_jen , 26 March, 2009

I have been married for 2 years, my husband cheated on me through all of them, he was so addicted to the internet and met them off myspace, never realized how many easy women you can find LOL, well bottom line i have been deceived my whole marriage, it was never truthful. We have a 1 yr old son and i dont want to make it look its OK to treat women this way. I am only 24 years old and the 2 years have made my feelings and body feel 70. My body hurts from the up and down weight, the headaches, the crying, the lack of sleep, and all over a man? Nah not anymore, these stories are helping me a lot knowing I'm not alone, thanks ladies!

...
written by Bigverne , 29 March, 2009

I am 52 years old and married to a man 11 years older than me. This is my second marriage and when I met him I thought he was my night in shinning armor. There was nothing I could even think of that he wouldn't do or buy me. I sold my home and we brought one together after our 5th year of marriage. At the time he had 1 more year before retiring. After his retirement, seemed like thing changed like day and night. He started telling me about he friend who he said was in a nursing home and his wife wouldn't go see him so he was trying to be there for him. He talked of this friend quite a bit but then he started staying out all night and one morning I got up to go to work and his phone rang and I heard her message. I will never forget. She said: I just wanted to make sure you got home safely baby. I love you... I had already asked if he was having an affair which as you all know he denied. Anyway as time went by I started investigating and found out everything. He was planning on leaving me for this woman. I went through the worst time of my life. I lost 15 pounds within a month, my hair fail out, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep and even when I think about it now, how someone I put all of my trust and love in would treat me this way. He would talk to me like I was dog and I took it . I started participating in my church and not just going from time to time. You just don't know how God has brought me through. I didn't look for a man to bring me through, I sought God. My husband and I have not had sex for over 5 years, nor have we slept together for 4 1/2 years. We don't have any friends together nor do we do ANYTHING together unless it pertains to the house. I bet you are wondering why is she putting up with this? Because God wouldn't let me leave. I tell you all of this because anyone who is reading this, I tell you to get to know the person you're about to marry, get to know the family, don't just jump into something that you can't handle. Let God chose your mate. Look at that person's personality and not what is on the outside. I have been going through this since 2003 and God has given me measurable strength. My feelings are not the same for him as they use to be. I could care less if he comes home or not now. I also feel ONCE A CHEATER, ALWAYS A CHEATER.

...
written by gut feeling , 13 April, 2009

i have suspicion that my husband is being unfaithful the clearing of his call list and messages as soon as he comes home everyday on his mobile. Paswording his computer and being on it quite a lot when I am asleep and if I do walk in the computer room he shrinks the screen down. I am saying when your gut feeling comes into action you know its right and men dont realize how much they hurt you by their actions and when you confront them they put the blame back onto you and say its your fault they want the old you back but we all change as we get older we dont stay young. Were has respect and honesty gone from relationships? If they get away with it once they will always continue to do it CHEATING IS SO WRONG get the strength and courage and walk the other way you have the right to a better life.

...
written by Godalone , 24 April, 2009

I married late in life for the 1st time at 46. I was my husband's 3rd wife. He told me his 1st 2 wives cheated on him, and that he would never cheat on me because he knew how much it hurt. We also were both christians, @ least I thought he was, and I knew God brought us together. But God also gives us choices. Last May 2008,after not quite 4 years of marriage, I caught him lying saying he was talking to a man friend on his cell phone and could tell it was a woman's voice. The next day, I checked his phone bill and called the frequently called number. She answered and we split. We tried to reconcile, and in October 2008 he moved back home. In Febuary 2009, he constantly stayed in the garage text messaging. I HATE CELL PHONES. But he would have found another way. He claimed he was texting his step-sister. Yeah, Right. I didn't want to
believe he would do this to me again. I couldn't wait for him to go to bed so I could read his messages. That gut instinct i call the voice of God. Sure enough, calling another tramp hey baby. My stomach sank. I also found drug talk. My soon to be ex is a liar and cheat.
He has so much to ask God to forgive him for. I have to forgive him, because I am a christian. I have prayed and asked God to guide me. I know once the trust is gone, there is no getting it back. I have to move on. Only God can heal my broken heart. I take it one day at a time. On top of this, he knew I was bipolar when he married me. Ladies, you don't have to live with a liar and a cheat. I know God hates divorce, but he hates adultery even more. This time my husband hasn't even said he was sorry. I know, one day far off, he will wish he hadn't let a good christian woman go. But I know God will take care of us all going thru this hurt.
God bless

...
written by TRUTH TRIUMPHS , 26 April, 2009

In the Webster's New Dictionary, the definition for cheat is: TO DEPRIVE OF SOMETHING THROUGH FRAUD OR DECEIT. To deprive, in its simplest meaning, is TO TAKE SOMETHING AWAY. Cheaters take chunks of our hearts and souls that can never be replaced. We become like a wounded animal, which managed to avoid being consumed by the predator, but will always carry the scars of the attack.

A cheater attacks our trusting nature through repeated lies, in the same way a vicious beast claws and rips at the hide of an innocent victim.

Our best defense against future attacks is a stong offense. We can't afford to naively trust the cheater to reform. To reform oneself and conform to an accepted standard of decency is beyond the cheater's ability. Would you expect a raging bull to suddenly stop and wag its tail? Of course not! The cheater is worse than a bull...the cheater is a bully! He is a true coward and can't compete with "real" men, so he has to sleaze about in the world of pretenders.

If you are a woman who recognizes the filth and degradation of cheating...you dishonor yourself and your children by staying in the same house with the cheating bastard!!

GET OUT NOW!! Salvage whatever life and love you have left in yourself. YOU CAN DO IT!!

...
written by Mo , 29 April, 2009

Well this is an easy subject once a cheater always a cheater and same goes for abusers once an abuser always an abuser. I also think that taller men 6'0 + cheat way more and be more abusive because they think they can get away with it. The tall men know that women like them being taller and so they know that they can get away with more and thus they will cheat, lie and be more abusive simply because women think the tall asshole men are the big, tall, secure protective men. But in actuality that so many women don't ever ask themselves is who is going to protect me from him. Bigger, stronger, taller does not = safety, or protection .

...
written by Yes, I am married , 29 April, 2009

Well, we were doing good until a desperate one called and my husband fell for her kind word. Spoken to her, she is so soft spoken, says she is "conservative" -- I started to believe too. Well, see my husband is a guy and guys are as dumb as they come. He used onstar from our car to call her - phone bill close to 1,000. - He called her up to 10 times a day and says he was listening to her. She was abused by her husband. He was floored because I did alot of digging and he was caught in lies after lies. He lies so much his eyes twitch. I got a hold of his credit card statements and boy, was I shocked. He planned to leave work one day and go see her. He then changed to a different time the same day and before they could meet, her husband found out. He raped her. She did not deserve, my husband was so broken up about it. He was ill. I watched him tell me bits and pieces and I put it all together. To top it off, he did this while giving a eulogy for my dad. I wished my dad had gotten up and choked him. I think of dad's death as sacred and a place no one can touch, but my husband is the reason I cry uncontrollably when I think of my dad. I would never forgive him - see I picture myself with a younger decent guy who will love me for me and cherish me. I do have a lot to give but I am not wasting it on my low life husband. I am giving it all to my children. They are my happiness. My lost weight because of this, something I was trying to do for months. Thank you husband. By the way we are a church going family. So nice - you should see us. But behind the glitz, the evil is so strong you can feel it pass you by. I would never sleep with my husband again. I would not care what my home looks like before he gets home, but I do it all for my kids. I will get respect from others, I do not need his. I am more disappointed in myself for thinking I deserve this. I can't wait to move on with my life. My kids will understand, because they are like me - they hurt easily. Lies destroy. When the destruction comes from a man you trust, it's like being hit by a train. I would never trust him again. I would rather be happy than with a cheater and whimp.

...
written by nothn sweeter , 05 May, 2009

Ladies, if anyone has been through the ringer it's me. I have been married for 10 long years. Right now as I type, it's 4:30 a.m. and my husband isn't home. Yeah I called but he doesn't answer. I don't expect him to. I told him today of an affair that i had with a guy that my husband also knows. My husband wanted me to move out today but I found an apartment that I can move into on the first of the month. I told my husband that it would be ok if he just didn't show up until the kids and I leave, but no he worked until 2 a.m. and came home, showered and is gone. I don't want to be with him. I guess he wants this move as much as I do. He was very hurt about the affair I had but who cares, he hasn't been a husband to me in over 3 years, mainly because of his new mistress. Ladies, I think like men. I've just had a glass of chardonnay. I feel tipsy at 4:30. I'm moving out in a couple of days, and I'm going to be the real me!!

...
written by pordic , 01 June, 2009

We've been together for 14 years now, 11 of them married. I'm American living in a foreign country, with no close family next door. I found this site yesterday and am so relieved to no longer feel alone. We wanted a baby 2 years into our relationship, as we were fine and in love and getting toward 40yrs. My nightmare started when I was into my 6 months and was hospitalized for 3 days. He lied about where and with who he was with. I am an honest and trusting person, he has his sports team and in very good shape.... I really never saw this coming, and didn't expect infidelity. He was with me for the birth of our beautiful daughter, for one hour.... I didn't see him alone then for the next 4 days as he was celebrating (while I was thoroughly alone with my newborn). I forgave and still didn't suspect. We married - I make double his salary but in this country after marriage all goes into the community. (little did I know the house doesn't as it belonged to him before the wedding). Since I've been here we have renovated and added on, doing all the quality work ourselves after working long hours and taking care of the family. The house value has gone up 8X and is a showcase for the community. Soon after the work on the house started he would be coming home late from rugby practice and games. I then found 10 telephone numbers that fell out of his pocket and into the folds of the couch while cleaning. When asked about these numbers (each one belonging to the feminine sex) he did what all your loving, low, lying, cheating husbands did, he said they were old friends. I ripped them up and trashed them, only to find the pieces hidden in our camping car. Had I read this site, I would have gone running - but stayed, same with most of us I loved him and we have a child. I forgave and forgot until we were invited to a birthday party, 3 yrs later where he had too much to drink, picked up a woman in front of his child, myself and our good friends - I asked him to stop and come home, when he grabbed my by the arm and told me in a few words that I was a pain in the a**. I took the car and daughter and drove home, didn't sleep and when he arrived at 5 am and asked how he got home, of course he lied and said 'with alan'. Now having had it, I called alan at midday, he said that he and his wife tried to unsuccessfully keep them apart but he left the party with her. They gave me much support, bless them, but as with the rest of us I was completely destroyed. He cried and begged me to stay- I haven't got much choice, all of the loans for his house are co-signed by this sucker who is now writing our her lovely life story. He said of course that this would never happen again boo hoo hoo and he of course promised to be faithful. I have closed my eyes for the last 7 yrs. In february this year my intuition started flaring up - and lo and behold he was calling (on the home line)and sleeping with the town wh**e as soon as I was out of the house, whether I was working or asleep so he could sneak over to her place (5 min walk)AND also shagging our daughter's best friend's married mom (house next door)!!! When confronted he of course lied (even when he was supposed to be working the nightshift and when I would call his work cellphone he was in bed with our town wh**re. I did call his boss prior this and find out that he hadn't been working that shift in ages. He again cried and begged me not to leave, he would NEVER do this to me again - I suffered high blood pressure and was given anti depressors and my doctor put me on sick leave (as well as blood tests). As now he couldn't use the landline - he got a cellphone, which I of course found and confronted him with - lies again. He destroyed the phone with all his good faith and again made false promises. Well he was finished with the town wh**re but not with the next door neighbor - so he bought another phone.
Happy to let you all know that divorce proceeding are on the way - he has promised to give me half of the sale of the house (i'll keep you posted, as promises are made to be broken, n'est pas) oh, and he REALLY loves me again, his married mistress has left him 4 days ago for a younger man !!!
I feeling better now that I've got the story out and finally made a huge tough decision but will keep to it.
Hang in there girls and if possible don't waste too many precious years of your life, like me, loving someone that treats you like a door mat.

...
written by Dayisha , 05 June, 2009

I met my BF 10 years ago. We had a wonderful relationship. He was kind, loving, thoughtful, considerate, very sweet. At first I had my doubts but I couldn't resist his kindness. I dated him, got to know him and I knew he was the one. I had moved to Chicago a week prior to meeting him and the only problem was that I hated living there (after two years). We discussed it and agreed that I should move back home to Indiana because I was unhappy and somehow we would work things out so that we would still see one another. Well, we commuted back and forth weekends for about three months, then it was every other weekend, then once a month and finally I hadn't seen him in three months. When I asked him what was going on he swore it was nothing, he was busy working and couldn't get away but I also noticed a different tone in his voice, to be honest he seemed different. I just thought it was due to my leaving him and moving to another state. Well, I loved him and I wanted to be with him, so I told him I was moving back to Chicago (after a year and a half). I quit my job packed my belongings and made arrangements for my furniture to go into storage. On New Year's Eve he came to see me and his cell phone rang (he was in another room) I could hear him speaking and I knew it was a woman on the other end. When he hung up I asked what was going on? He said it was nothing and I had nothing to worry about. I believed him because there had never been any signs or problems with other women. Two weeks later I moved back to Chicago. I had been back two weeks and for those two weeks we argued a lot, I felt as though I was an annoyance but whenever I asked him if there was someone else he would say no. One night I was asleep and a voice told me to go by his house it was 3am so I ignored it but it was overwhelming, I though something may have happened to him so I got dressed and drove there. His car was there but he wouldn't come to the door I thought maybe I should call the police because he has asthma and I was concerned he may have had an attack. I sat in the car wondering what to do and the voice told me to wait and as I waited not understanding what was going on. I decided to knock again and a woman came out of the apartment building. As she walked past me I grabbed for the door and he was standing on the stairs as though running after her. At first I looked at him, and it clicked she was inside with him. I ran after her as she walked down the street. I called out and she stopped, I asked if she had been with him, she claimed not to have known him and was visiting another tenent then asked it he was my boyfriend. I asked her why? if she didn't know him and walked back to his apartment. Things were said I went in his bathroom and her hair was in the sink, I went in the bedroom and he had pulled the comforter over the bed, I snatched it back and the sheets were tussled and I thought at that point I would lose my mind. I didn't leave him, I stayed thinking it was my fault because I moved away. I should have left and never looked back!!! It was hard, the image of her, her hair, the sheets, him on the stairs is still chiseled in my mind. I never would have imagined he was capable of such a thing but what hurt most was he knew he was seeing her before I moved back to Chicago, before I quit my job, before I packed my belongings and he never said a word. Well, as the weeks went on it got worse, I guess she stop seeing him and I had to watch him try to get over losing her, now imagine that!! He was quiet, he wouldn't touch me, we didn't do anything together and believe it or not I am embarrassed to say but I did everything I could to help ease HIS pain LOL in the process I lost 30 lbs, cried everyday and though that was four years ago, I guess maybe a year ago I finally stopped crying. Oh, and there is more wanna hear????

...
written by Dayisha , 05 June, 2009

Well, ladies unlike most of you I am not married but like most of you I am old enough to know better. I met my BF (we have no children, together) when i was 42 years old. I just had my 52nd B-day. I wasn't looking for love, companionship, or anything. I had been celibate for eight years. I had no BF, no relationships, I chose to be alone and I loved every moment. No worries, no cares, just loving me and it was the greatest love of all!!
Well, I had moved to Chicago to go back to school. I found a full time job and went to school part-time. He was a wonderful man with three children (all different mothers) which should have sent up flares!! I wasn't too keen on dating a man with that type of baggage but he was sweet, kind, loving, and of course, charming. Well, I became involved with him and the first two years was wonderful, everything I could have hoped for until I got sick of living in the city and I wanted out. We decided I would move back to my hometown in quiet suburban Indiana and continue our relationship by commuting. It was good, we would see each other on weekends or just take time from work, any time we could get. Well, of course the weekly visits turned to monthly and bi-monthly and when I would visit him he didn't seem as excited to see me as before. So, as time went on I would call him on his cell (no answer), so I would call his job and they would say he didn't go to work. When I would try to speak to him about it he would get very indignant. "I'm not married to you" was his favorite phrase. Well, I loved him and I missed him and I thought 'I'd rather live in his world, than live with out him in mine'. I told him I was moving back to Chicago. He didn't say much only that it was my choice. Well, a couple months later I put in my resignation at my job, packed my belongings and made storage preparations for my furniture. When New Years Eve came he came to visit. When he went into my bedroom his cell phone rang. I was in another room but I could tell by the conversation it was a woman. when he hung up I asked him what it was about. He said it was nothing for me to be concerned with. I accepted that but it bothered me a lot. I asked it he was seeing someone else and if so he needed to tell me before I made the move to return to the City. He said it was nothing to tell. So, on that lie I moved back. Not two weeks into my return, I spoke with him one evening on the phone he told me he was out with a buddy, and would call me later. Fine, only he didn't at 3am I was awaken by a voice that told me to get dress and go to his house. No, I wasn't leaving my bed and roaming the street that time of the morning. I tried to fall back to sleep but the voice seemed louder, and louder. So, I obeyed. Of course I tried calling him before I got there but he wouldn't answer. I never thought in my wildest of imagination I would find him with another woman but I did. They wouldn't let me inside the apartment building though I knocked and then returned to my car, I really thought he might be inside hurt. I guess when she thought I had left she came out of the building and I held the door to enter, still not thinking anything until I saw him standing in the hall on the stairs and that's when it clicked! They were together. I went inside, hurt. Amazingly, he had this quick smirk on his face, and said "It has nothing to do with you". I blamed myself for leaving and moving back to Indiana for that year. I blamed myself for not looking better for getting laxed in my appearance. I blamed myself for not losing weight, though after that, I lost at least 30lbs in two months. I thought I would have a break down. I cried every day for months that was four years ago. I stayed with him thinking we could work it out because it had to have been the first time (right). I watched him mourn over what he had with her. He was outright nasty with me for showing up and revealing myself to her. He wouldn't touch me, talk to me and seeing him go through this over someone else was even more devastating for me. Eventually, he seemed alright, well why wouldn't he have been he had someone to help him get through losing the other woman but guess what it wasn't me, it was Another Woman. The plot thickens!!!!

...
written by Keela , 14 June, 2009

I just wanted to add that I to have been a victim of an abusive cheating husband. Ladies it does not get better and if you continue to stay then really you have no one to blame than ourselves. I was married for 4 years and throughout this relationship my x would constantly cheat with no regards to how I felt. I ended up leaving and going back, back and fourth. Why do we continue to stay? Because we love this person and we want to believe that they wont stray or hurt us when they tell us there sorry, they love us, but the truth is they dont. My x would chase women and wouldnt hesitate to sleep with them. No 4 years later and 2 beautiful boys, he is gone and although I love him I could never trust him and have him back. Women men will do whatever you let them if you continue to stay and accept his cheating ways he will cheat. Have respect for yourself and know that you are better and deserve so much more

...
written by Vivian Bedwell , 17 June, 2009

I am an older woman and I can tell you exactly what you need to do without a question. First for your own sanity, get out of this relationship. Apparently not only does your husband cheat, but lies to you as well. How can you live with someone you can't trust? A relationship is built on trust between two people and besides you both have made promises to one another with your vows. Your husband has broken those vows and if he hasn't changed by now, trust me he isn't going to change. Do your children and yourself a favor and leave. Better than you leaving, make him leave. After all, he is the one who has done the damage so you need to stay and kick him to the curve.

...
written by possibility , 20 June, 2009

For some reason its always the same way with these men. Everything starts out great in the beginning and dies out later. Women need to realize that when a man courts her for the first few years or so you're still new to him. But after living together, kids financial problems and so on these men see us in a what I call "ugly state". So when the next best thing comes around he's wide open. I believe a woman should never date a married man because most of the time these men do love their wives. That's the reason they are married in the first place. So forget the "I don't love her anymore, I love you" BS and realize that if he's this way with his wife he won't be any better with you. I truly believe that any woman OR man that messes around with a married person deserves whatever comes to them.I am sick and tired of so many people making it seem as if its okay for a man to cheat because its in his so-called "nature". There are plenty of women out there that know that their husbands cheat and take them back over and over. I do believe that people make mistakes but when he does the same shit over and over its time for you to evaluate yourself and realize that you deserve much better. Women, don't make these men your lives. Sometimes we can give so much and when he's gone we have nothing left. Then have to start out from square one pulling ourselves up when we have been damaged and left alone.

...
written by baby reyes june 21,2009 , 21 June, 2009

i have been married for 32 years. I found my husband courting and visiting women several times. In his workplace he attempted to embrace a woman in his job in a private place, he went to church after which he invited a woman in the church to eat out and urged to go to her house. The latest i caught him in international chat online and having affair with one woman in the Philippines and courting three others. this is a misery to me, thinking that we are married for long period of time. Do i need to bear with i am in too much pain please help!!!!

...
written by By nature men are selfish , 24 June, 2009

Ladies, do you realize that your father most likely cheated on your mother? And your grandfathers cheated on your grandmothers? Men, married or not have had multiple sexual partners going back generations for thousands of years. Is this fair to us women who wish for a monogamous relationship with one man we love? Of course not. And do we feel entitled to possess a man who promised to love us forever? And only us? Yes! And do we deserve to have his commitment, love, adoration and never ending passion and attention, till death do us part? Yes!! We give 100% and we expect 100% back, every day, every month and every year - forever. BUT the sad truth is that life is not fair. And we women were programmed to be the givers and to make the people we love the center of our life. Men were programmed otherwise. Although men can form bonds and attach themselves to one woman, they will NEVER give up sex with other women. Please google the Coolidge Effect. Men will lose sexual interest in a female they have mated with many times. Sometimes to a point where they become impotent with her. No matter what. But when a new female is introduced their sexual vitality is back...until she too will fall a victim to the Coolidge Effect. Leave your guy, meet another one and you are facing the same dilemma. There is no prince charming out there. Face it! We women unfortunately feel entitled to possess a man sexually. If you feel entitled in this area, dream on sister, but you can't fight nature. Nature has programmed men to want and to seek sex with a variety of women. As much as we women hate this fact, there is nothing that we can do about it. Most men cheat and most men want and desire other women. And if a guy is good-looking and has that charisma forget it! He attracts women like bees to honey. In the ideal world, we fall in love and stay in love. The man never ever desires another woman, and the passion is hot every day for the next fifty years. But the reality is that the best you can have is to be the number one woman in a man's life.

...
written by By nature men are selfish , 24 June, 2009

....not the only woman, but the number one woman. That means that you two are best friends, there is a true affection and love between you two, and he comes home to you every night. You are soul mates. And although at one time in your early relationship he felt hot passion for you and you were the only woman he wanted to have sex with, you now accept the fact that through no fault of his own, he now cannot feel that passion any longer and is unable to generate it, if his life depended on it. Hold a gun to his head and order him to feel passion and lust for you, and he simply will not, cannot. Time robs us of everything. Youth, beauty, passion, life itself. But true love can last a lifetime. As long as you do not associate it with sex. As a man can love his children for the rest of his days, he can love you forever, he just can't feel lust for you forever. And lust is a huge part of every man. His high testosterone levels drive him to want and get sex. His hormones dictate his brain. And hormones will win over society imposed rules and moral values. Just accept it. If a man lies to you about him having other sexual partners, it means that he wants to keep you. He loves you and desires you to be the number one woman in his life. HE has just moved on sexually. I know it hurts. It hurts like hell, especially if you still desire him sexually yourself. Especially if he doesn't make love to you as often as he used to. Especially if you suspect that he is having sex with other women. Step back and take a deep breath. Evaluate the relationship minus the sex. Pretend that there is no such thing as sex on this planet. Would you still want to be with him if sex didn't exist? Would you? Is he otherwise a kind and supportive man? Does he take a good care of the family? Do you have good times together? Take vacations? Does he take you out to dinner? Holds your hand and tells you he loves you? Does he still make love to you? Perhaps not as often, but still does? BUT do YOU also treat him kindly, are being supportive and loving, affectionate? Sometimes when a woman turns into a nag and a green-eyed monster, she will drive her man away. BUT if he loves you and you love him back, and you feel a genuine bond with him without resentment....then you are his number one woman. And he will never give you up. His heart will always belong to you. His heart, I said. Not his lust. And you will never really completely accept it, and at times it will hurt you and make you sad, but as times goes on, the pain will lessen. You know why? Because HE will be grateful to you. Grateful to you for loving him in spite of himself, for not punishing him, hating him, nagging him. For loving him anyway, the way that only a woman knows how to love, as he canno...t and that is unconditionally. And as you loosen the noose around his neck and give him love anyway, in spite of everything...and treat him with respect and kindness....no matter what, you will see a transformation in him and in you. A compromise. You are his number one woman and he treats you as such...and he will restrain himself, as much as possible and you will overlook his weakness, when he fails.

...
written by Beat the system , 24 June, 2009

Hey girls....I was in the same boat with several men in my life. I was faithful, dedicated and loving. When guys would hit on me, I would just turn away... my relationship came first. This self-sacrifice didn't get me anything, only misery as I didn't get the attention, love and sex I needed in my relationships with cheating men. So, while I was in a relationship with the last of these cheaters, I joined the gym. Lost weight, had a make-over and bought new clothes. And guess what? I met a man and had a fabulous affair with him. I bloomed, I laughed, I grew more beautiful each day. My cheating husband noticed and got all worried about losing me. But I didn't care. The way that he didn't care when he had his affairs. No, this was not a retribution. I simply moved on. I simply refused to be miserable and depended on his behavior for happiness. I was still civil and friendly towards him, but no longer begged for affection and sex and yes, I would disappear, just like he would disappear. I didn't feel an ounce of guilt. My guy couldn't believe my transformation. He dropped his mistress and began to pursue me. I was of course not interested in him anymore. My lover was so much better in bed and pleased me in all ways. He was even younger than me and wow what a body! So, yes, my cheating guy at home whom I gave my heart, body and soul...was now out in the cold and beating on the door to let him back in. You want to know what happened next?

...
written by confused with me , 28 June, 2009

I am a married man of 15 years and have not cheated on my wife and do not think she has cheated on me either. I find myself now and then thinking of other women but I can not bring myself to actually be with another woman. I have talked with my wife about this and she seems to think I am going through a mid life crises but I don't know. I love my wife and we have decided that if I have the urge that I should tell her and we can deal with it. My marriage is more important than having some fun with another woman. I can only say if the man is not willing to change then you need to consider a divorce you don't know who he has been with and what he could bring home to you. If you keep giving him a second chance then he can not change. My advice is if he cheats on you once then give another chance but don't leave any impression that there will be another one after this. Your trust is already broken and it is not worth the problems you can find a good man out there.

...
written by when does it stop hurting!!! , 19 July, 2009

I thought I had a wonderful husband....been married for 16 years. Our daughter, 19 has moved out I thought this would give us more alone time. Guess what complete opposite. He works in a market and is always meeting new people. He has always told me that he would never cheat on me. I had a gut feeling (which is always right). I asked him if he was cheating off course denile. I started checking the cell phone bill, private numbers coming up. I confronted him of course he says it's his friend (guy) calling from a private number because his friend doesn't want his number out do he blocks it. Bull shit. Well after having a gut feeling fir about 2 months, I started to be come obsessed with checking the cell phone bill, making sure that I get the mail b4 he does to check the credit card statements. So one day I decided to follow him. He said he was going to hang with the guys. Sure enough he met up with some bitch from his work. I saw them kissing. My body went numb I couldn't even move. After I drove away. I then started to think that I should have gotten out off my car and kicked both of their asses. Of course he has apologized so many times. I don't think that I can trust him anymore. He swears that he doesn't talk to her or sees her anymore. When does the pain stop hurting. I do love him. Can u ever forgive ur husband?

...
written by MRS FED UP , 30 July, 2009

men are always going to cheat. to remain with a man who has cheated is a death trap. the first time he is going to cry. he may even cry after the second time. but after that he won't shed a tear. instead he will start blaming you. he will sell you on the idea that it is your fault that he is the way that he is. that you are the reason for his flirting and his infidelities. he will make you feel like you are the guiding force in his decisions to be unloyal, dishonest and unfaithful in action and word. don't believe it.

we make decisions because we make decisions. we are drawn away by what is inside of us. now, listen, not all men cheat. not all men flirt. there are men with some moral character and who actually believe that they love their spouses without being told to work on it.

after a man cheats and you stay, you teach him that there are no consequences for his actions. especially a man who is charismatic, in a leadership role at his place of employment or at church, guess what...women who are gold diggers don't care if there is a ring on his finger or not. they only see the power and the money and they will do whatever it takes to get it.

i don't feel sorry for women who have cheated and married a man who was married when they met. doesn't matter if they were living together or if he was in the doghouse, he was married. so, if he is being unfaithful to you, what goes around comes around. you better believe it.

we have to think about our health. these men can bring home vd's. do you want that? do you want to suffer because of someone else's sins? i mean come on...if you are going to catch something, better get out there and catch it yourself instead of having it passed down by your lying husband!

...
written by MRS FED UP , 31 July, 2009

I also read a post that stated that if the husband is a good man and cares for his children and is a good father, don't leave him. Come on! This isn't the olden days where women only knew how to wash clothing and hang them on the line and then lift up their skirts for the man after he brought his smelly butt home after working with the pigs.

We have some choices. There are more opportunities today to make it on your own, then there was yesteryear. Don't be afraid to step out. Even if you have children. The worst thing you can do is stay for the children. Your girls will marry some cheating jerk just like their father. Your boys will become their fathers, cheating jerks. IS that what you want? I seriously doubt that is what any mother wishes upon their child.

The cycle has to stop and it begins and ends with the woman. That man made a promise to love, cherish, be faithful, to keep a covenant, something sacred. He didn't keep it. He expects you to keep your vows. But don't fall for the game. If he is running a game, then you need to pull the pieces off of the board and end the game! PERIOD. Children or no children!

It is far healthier for a mother to raise her children alone, with the dad as a friend, of sorts, then to have the children raised in a lying home! The children can see straight through the madness.

Stop making the children suffer!!!!!

...
written by More of the same , 03 August, 2009

I like most of you just read my personal story many times over. I just want you to know that my husband is so bold that he tells the other women he is married and they do not care!!! Please tell me what happened to the days when women would not do that to each other especially people I know who hug my neck and sleep with my husband the same night. I am smarter than my husband and catch him alot... But all of you should know I once saw a therapist who told me when I was truly ready to leave him I would. I told her I knew it should have been a long time ago as he cost me the custody of my first daughter but Today was the day I knew I was ready. Today was my birthday and my husband could not resist telling me how stupid, fat , ugly, and so totally undesirable to any man that I would never find one to put up with my crap like he does. Just to fuel the fire he reminded me how open sexually his newest girlfriend is and how she is so much better than me. She only has federal human trafficking charges pending and since I have known her has gotten 3 DUI's. Oh I forgot to mention I have known her and her HUSBAND for about 3years. Her husband is in jail but this is one time I love a gang banger because long after I am gone these two are going to be more miserable than they ever made me....

...
written by Helena troy , 06 August, 2009

i know dealing with a cheating mate hurts the feelings of deception is cruel .but i have a question how do you deal with the fact that the person you made your youngest childs god mother hooked your husband up with his affair girlfriend during the marriage !!!!!

...
written by Mrs. making a change , 13 August, 2009

A man will continue to lie as you allow him too. I've been married for 11 years with 2 children together. I file for divorce tomorrow. This is bull shit all the signs but dumb ass me didn't catch on. The lying,cheating wasn't bad enough- dumb ass can't even use protection. When i found out from a undeleted text;he cried then lied. Did he leave the Bosain lady(Yes the country) alone no he did it again only this time he tried to cover his tracks. Did he care about losing his fAMILY. No!!!!!!!! He only care about self. He'll continue to lie & cheat as long as i allow him to do that to me. As for why men cheat because there is always a chick that likes to hear about how they can help a unhappily married man, Sex with him doesn't help. He got over on you & me. He's very happy. Anybody who is unhappy in their marriage can leave (just like a job). i didn't know i had marriage problems till i found out what was going on behind my back. It took awhile to get over the shock & i went thru alot of different emotions. The situation is crazy but i love myself so the other women can have him but i doubt that since she's married too. It won't be fun sharing her with her husband when he has no back up. Men like him don't stay single for long so he'll move to the next one but it won't be me & today i feel good. Sure i'll have bad days along the way & being single is a little scary but this shit only made me stronger. In 2009 women have choices. I don't have to stay & hope he'll change. He's 47 & grown, he made those choices.I got a job, family and will be able to provide for mine. Who's sorry now!!!!!!!!

...
written by Mrs. making a change , 15 August, 2009

A man will continue to cheat as long as you take it. He won't change unless you change yourself. Love yourself & not depend on your happiness on him. We all have the same story but my story will end happily. I refuse for him to make my choices. I refuse to wait to get an std or him decide to leave me for another women. Am out

...
written by AngieH , 18 August, 2009

I am grateful for the comments made on this post. I know my husband have cheated but have never had direct proof. I have seen him being very close to other women physically and he always made excuses. Women have even told me that he was involved with them but he always told me they were crazy. I found out recently for a fact that he had an affair because he was being accused of sexual harassment and the course documents indicated that yes they did have an affair. He said that the affair was only when we were dating and admitted that she was the one calling our house the night before our wedding. Our honeymoon was horrible and I now know why. He didn't want to have anything to do with me. He was married twice before and had affairs with both of them. I was naive and in my 20s and believed him that they cheated first and that they were already separated when they cheated. He is also always watching porno sites. We have two young kids. I feel like I just have to live with it for their sake. I know he will cheat again and that it is part of him.

...
written by AngieH , 18 August, 2009

My husband has been cheating for ever 10 years. I wish I never forgave him the first time. I think I would be more content in my life if there wasn't that doubting feeling that he is going to do it again. The second, third, and forth time he started making me the bad guy. Now with the kids he threatens to fight for full custody which he knows I would not want to put them through a horrible battle. These men are selfish and have poor character.

...
written by marina , 04 September, 2009

I have just found out that my husband of two years has cheated on me off and on for 18 months of the two years with the same lady. I found out over a year ago and of course he claimed it would never happen again. I moved to another area when we married, I gave up my job, home, friends, family everything to move with him. I fell madly in love with him. I don't know anyone here but his family. I don't work therefore I have no money. I know I need to leave but I am so afraid and don't know how I will make it on my own. Even my car is in his name. Of course he makes it all my fault because I don't give him enough attention, hell he expects more attention than a newborn who relies on you for everything.I hate to be lied to more than anything and he doesn't seem to be able to tell the truth. Please help me with some suggestions.

...
written by Philip , 07 September, 2009

From a man's prospective, cheating comes with a reason (not I say cheating is right). You have to remember, the husband who cheats, at one time in his life, loved you and decided to marry you - not anyone else. If I can suggest anything, I would say you must win him back by going to his mind and soul, working on his mind and soul and nothing else. Remember, he used to love you so much that he wanted to take care of you for his life..... his mind and soul. Philip - Arcadia, Calif.

...
written by Jlove , 10 September, 2009

Hearing these stories freak me out. I have been with my husband for 11 years. However we were recently married. Before we married, we was constantly cheating. Stupid naive me, I thought he would change once we married. 2 days after our honeymoon, there he was again...up to his old tricks. No I am pregnant. The crazy thing is that he treats me great. We have a great relationship, he puts me first in every decision he makes, calls me constantly when he's working, we have great communication and we have a good sex life. But when he leaves the house, its like he lives another life. Could it be because he's a police officer? Will he ever change? Does he really love me? I feel like I'm living a nightmare. Every time I confront him, he turns it around on me. The only way I can put up a good fight is if I have something concrete. what do I do?

...
written by making a change , 22 September, 2009

to phillip : My husband has no soul

...
written by mka , 24 September, 2009

As I look back on our 28 years together what a fool ive been. Married only 15 of those years I see how my soon to be x cheated in both mind and body. In april I found his blackberry where he was looking for a temporary girlfriend on craiglist only to find out that his so call "Regular whore" was on vacation. Yes his 5 plus years regular whore who knew what he liked and how he liked it. His excuse "you were going thru menopause and didn't even like me." When the truth was he was disinterested in me for several years and never spent time with me. We have 4 children and most of my friends say leave him but for the last 3 months we have been in therapy and the therapists suggest we stay together because we love each other.
I find myself calling him all day, checking up on him. He usually had his whore around lunch time. The deal is if I have questions, he has to answer them. Lately however he is saying how its getting old. Oh yes it is I said today. I need to leave him I know. I was sharing a bed with him an hour ago but found this site and I have locked my door and will not let him in. Once a cheater ...always a cheater. I have always taken care of myself but have abandonment issues. My father left me when i was 10. I have been a stay at home mom and he controls all the funds. I should have left him when I found out but the pain of being in my house and bed without him was too awful for words. I couldn't concentrate and cried all day and nite. R there any men out there that are any better. I find myself seriously doubting the planet has a thing called a decent man.

...
written by happy lady , 27 September, 2009

To every reader and writer...to every mother, spouse, girlfriend, wife...it's a tragedy to hear stories of all ages and all parts of the world; leading to the same dramatic problem of the cheating spouse...i want to say it's a blessing for us to come together and open up and take a stand or a step towards a new beginning. Last night I slept in my own tears, confusion on my mind, pain in my heart, soul lost in his darkness and our child in my womb. Questioning myself, questioning my life, wondering how will I get through another night of abandonment. Another night knowing that while he lays right next to me; he was just laying with her. That every night as I cook and clean and patiently wait for him to come home and ignore me and text and call these other females, or tell me that LIE that he "loves" me with her on his mind...I wondered how will I make it? It took him 4 weeks after marriage to cheat on me with a stripper, abandon me during our "honeymoon" stage and then go back to his hooters girl while I lay at home carrying our new son. Yet, it's my fault that he is the way he is, while he's been this way, long before we married. And I'm the fool that kept taking him back, swallowing his lies and blinding myself to the truth that stand right before me at the alter. And I stay while he calls his stripper his "baby mama number 2". While he takes his lunches and dinners at hooters knowing I'm at home waiting on him. Yet; I am the devil in disguise. And I come across this page, to hear of women years and years into a marriage or relationship living with the liar...the cheater. And to hear the strength come from your words, that even after so many years and so many counts of cheating...after the vows, after the children...marriage or just life in general should not be lived in your own sorrow, you shouldn't have to question the person who is supposed to be your other half and you definitely shouldn't put yourself second to someone who never deserved the heart of gold we possess. This goes out to you. Cause I too will now take my stand and take this step to make a better life for not just myself, but for my son. Knowing now that he will not see a single mom, but an independent mother who took a stand to get to where she should be and create a better path for him; showing that no one will ever bring her down again and will definitely not have a "father figure" who portrays everything he should never be. Thank you ladies and may strength and happiness find us all one day.

...
written by Wise and Well , 24 October, 2009

I lived 24 years in a horrible marriage. My two daughters lived 22 years in that same horrible marriage. That horrible marriage affected us all.
I only wish I had left the first time I found out he was a cheater and a liar. Little did I know that he would continue in that same vein, and add substance abuse, alcoholism, porn addiction, and predatory behavior to the sickening roster.
I stayed for all the same reasons you speak of, "he cried, he promised, he begged, I had a big heart, blah blah blah".
I am 57 years old now gals and the BEST thing I ever did was leave, honestly, and from the bottom of my heart, it is great. You will do it. The fear of being alone, doing it on your own, all the "what ifs" you worry about regarding your kiddies, finances, the whole defense system you set up to stop you from leaving, every excuse not to pull the plug, is baloney. You will find the way to financially make it. You will find the job you need and the sitter for your kids, and the higher education, and your family will come around to support you and friends you never knew you had will step up and the agencies, wow, the agencies.
Gals, leave.
You do not deserve a life with a person who is this cruel, sick, twisted, and narcaccistic.

I'm 57 years old and my daughters are 27 and 26 years old and fulfilling excellent roads in education and careers, but most importantly, they both THANK me for leaving.

Now you have it, the truth, they "choose" not to change, so you must "choose" not to suffer any longer.
You will heal, you will regain your sense of humour, you will be able to look back and even laugh at some of the situations, you will survive, you will prosper, you will grow, you will be proud of yourself and your confidence will quadruple, but most importantly, you WILL do the right thing by saying "enough" and taking control of your own life, because his is out of control and he chooses to keep it that way.

From the bottom of my heart, I hope that each and every one of you succeeds in life and that you find "your" way to live it happily, without guilt, or shame, or pain.
You have one life, make it special for YOU.

...
written by Inneedofhelp , 26 October, 2009

I am 29 years old and my husband has cheated twice the first there was sexually intercourse but the second i found out before it happen we have been married 8 years and have four children ia ma a full time student and work part time he makes the majority of our finances and were going to marriage counseling i wonder if im wasting my time because is he going to do this again i can't eat or sleep i have nightmares i have not been to work in three days and my soul is tired i cant take care of my kids without him and dont no if i can make it im almost done with school and if i wait until i graduate i will be able to rake care of me and our children he treats me great he doesnt stay out all night hes ab excellent father and a good provider he says he wants to change and doesnt want to lose me and the kids. Can someone give me some advice because i losing my mind wondering how could he do this again?

...
written by Esmeralda , 30 October, 2009

I feel so empty,angry,sad,sick,ugly,lonely..he made me feel all that.My husband of 5 years that i have a 3 year old daughter with..she is my angel.
I left for a vacation with my daughter to see my family..i was away for 2 weeks...came back and he was hating me like nothing..asking me time after time why i never stayed one month like i promised.
We have a nanny..i found out that she has been sleeping at her friends house just so he could bring prostitutes to MY HOUSE...I was devastated.
I also found out that he had a girlfriend,he came home with make-up on his clothes several times and his excuse was...its my make-up.
A woman doesnt really need proof..she feels when her husband or boyfriend is with someone else.
This is just a few things..i was ready to go and actually taking my girl with me bec he was telling me that he will never let me see my baby if i leave him...this story was 2 months back.. i never left him bec of my daughter..wrong of me maybe..i needed more evidence that he cheated on me bec if i had something solid...it would have been easier to leave.now he wants me to get pregnant again and he is treating me soo good..but i can never trust him again...my friend keeps telling me that im beautiful and that he is making me so unconfident...is he still with that other woman?Should i care?should i leave?HOW?

...
written by ........................... , 01 November, 2009

all husbands are cheats

...
written by Mici Vpool , 07 November, 2009

I fully understand every post here to an exact "T". My husband and I have been married for 4 years and to be totally honest he has cheated all 4 of them. We have 2 sons 4 and 2...and yes i did stay ...and yes we did plan for another child together. LADIES I personally do not regret having either of my sons but seriously I was insane to plan for another child with this "man" I use that term very loosely. Because a man wouldn't marry a woman only because she got pregnant (if anyone says so that that's total bullpucky). To have this mindset only makes things worse in the end. To lead someone on and make them think that the two of you are getting married because of love and wanting to spend your lives together raising a successful family but in reality only doing so to make sure that they were taken care of is f'd up to say the least. This is now the reality in which I have come to know..unfortunately I am just getting when of the full details behind my marriage via a "man" who never really loved himself enough to be honest to a woman who has given her entire life over to in order to make our family work. He is a CPO in the US Navy and I have placed my life on hold to make life easier for all of us especially him. If I would have known this at least 2-3 years ago I would have been on my way minus the extra heartache of having 2 sons who I am determined to never be like their father in regards to love/relationships. It's sad that i cry for you all but I know for sure my own mistakes:1.) I have stayed thus far because I have no funding of my own minus him. 2.) I stopped going to college to raise our family. 3.) When in college I let my grades drop because of him and stress. 4.) I moved around my schedule when ever he asked to make things easier for him. 5.) I did not LISTEN to GOD instead I TALKED to GOD. Ladies and Gents guys I know you all are out there too..these individuals are not worth it. We are far more important and we need to realize that ourselves not wait for someone else to validate us or tell us what we need to hear...tell yourself and know that it is the truth when you say it! Tell them ASAP "You have to go now...not now but RIGHT Freakin' NOW. All you have to do is take care of your offspring and live life...Do you think you can do that? End convo!"
After that don't worry about who they are seeing or poking. Personally this will be hard I know but let someone else deal with the stress and bull associated. I know I am now wondering what if he proves to one day be a good husband to someone else Will I be pissed..HELL YEAH I will. And I will wonder why not me.. but that is beyond you and I to wonder such crap. The point is he was not one when were together so bump if he changes and never asks to be back with you. that just means that he wasn't respectful enough to do right in the beginning when it counted and either moved on or was to afraid to face/correct his wrongs in a mature manner.

Be at peace and know that you and I are loved by the products of our unions (loving children) unconditionally. It is an entirely different love but I have not met one that can beat it yet and never will. I will concentrate on my being a wonderful mother and champion of heartache and reclaim my life to ensure a better future for my sons and most importantly myself!

...
written by PleaseDontHateMe , 12 November, 2009

I stumbled across this site because I wanted to understand why men cheat. I was seeing someone for a year and then found out that he's getting married to his g/f of 4 years. As far as I knew they were living together but the relationship had ended. He told me that they don't sleep together and argue all the time. I confronted him he lied to me. I believed him. Then someone told me that he was getting married, this time he admitted it. It HURT sooo much, I was heart broken. I blamed myself and felt so unattractive that I attracted such a big liar. I asked him WHY. He said he tried to tell me and that he's now sorted things out. However he really was unhappy when we first met. I asked him if he was in love with her as he was going to get married, he didn't reply and said that he WAS in love with her. Even after knowing all this I'm still seeing him, I know it's not going anywhere. I feel so weak and ashamed of myself. I know he will never change and will continue cheating. He's getting married soon, not sure if I should tell her. She deserves to know, but I know she won't believe me.
A CHEAT will NEVER change, it's in their blood and you can't change that.