My husband wants to stay in touch with the other woman

Login Here

My 44 year old husband was starting a relationship with a 22 year old that he met online at a dating website. The relationship was becoming serious. Then my husband stated that he realized how important our marriage was and decided he was going to fight for us.

He told me that he shared all his thoughts with her and all our secrets.

He now thinks that because he came to me and told me about her, that he decided that our marriage was worth fighting for, that it would be okay to keep in touch with her, phone calls, emails. Cause after all, he has decided he loves me and she is just a friend.

I feel that there is no place for her whatsoever in our lives. Why would you keep a "smoking gun" around? How could I possibly trust that there would might be a ”flair up" of those old feelings?

Am I being unreasonable?

To this day, I found where he has emailed her and called her… why would he need to still contact her if all was well with us?

He says that I am the one with the problem, that if I truly loved him that I would trust that he could be friends with her and that nothing would happen.

I don't see how keeping contact with her could be a good thing. I am unable to find any closure when I am constantly reminded of her existence.

If you have any advice to give me on what I should do, I would truly like to hear it.

Thank you,

Response:

Sometimes it takes an affair for someone to realize how much they love and appreciate their current spouse.

And it is normal and reasonable for people to stay in contact with an ex. Just because a romantic relationship comes to an end does not mean that individuals must give up their concern and appreciation for each other. Ex-lovers often share memories, understand each other, and they can play an important role in each other’s life (see, contact with ex).

With that said, however, your situation is a different. Your husband’s ex-lover is not someone that he knew before he dated you. His ex-lover is someone he cheated on you with while you were together. And relationships are about give-and-take. Your husband took something from you and now he expects you to give him the freedom to stay in contact with the other woman.

For most people, this is an unreasonable request.

Tags: cheating husband, online cheating,

Set as favorite

Bookmark

Email This

Comments (10)

Subscribe to this comment's feed

husband and the other women
written by Guest , May 16, 2006

My sentiment goes all the way out to the above mentioned wife. No hard feelings though but just fear. Fearful and not wanting husband to share intimate moments with others. Why not share it with their own wives but rather trash it out on others where it does not belong?

report abuse

vote down

vote up

Votes: +0

Catherine
written by Guest , May 23, 2006

I've had a similar situation as the above female. I need to know apart from our own awareness and willingness to change by educating ourselves on our habitual behavior on betrayal of a marriage etc, what is there in place that ensures this will never happen again? There is no accountability eg. When one commits a crime stealing drugs etc they go to jail, not that I suggest this although what else is there? In my view this type of behavior is a crime a violation of the deepest type and men particularly are getting away with it decade after decade! Psychological abuse is life debilitating and should have a punishment that is life changing and that will leave a boundary not withstanding any model-code-self evaluation thats out there! I feel that any information is better than none but great information is the type that endorses real enforcement to the perpetrator of how to behave as a descent human being to anyone! Sleeping around is dealt with far too lightly something needs to change. With the right assessment tool to get to the truth and a law that insists on change or puts in place consequences to ones actions against another in terms of treatment in a relationship. Thanks... enjoyable morning looking through your site!

report abuse

vote down

vote up

Votes: +0

she will always be there
written by Guest , July 15, 2006

I'm in the same boat, but we aren't married. He cheated with a married woman for years before we started dating. He continues to encourage their relationship. I hear about the phone calls (she has called and left messages with his secretary); the emails he sends to her (he sends the same to both of us, separately, of course); his desire to bring her anything she needs at any time; it will never end. He will always deny it means anything to him. But you know it does. I don't know why I am still here.

report abuse

vote down

vote up

Votes: +0

Move on ...
written by Jane Mercy , January 09, 2007

Your husband is 44. She is 22. Wake up! Clearly he has broken your trust, and he is adamant about wanting it his way still! Get real! He is outright selfish as he is concerned only with his needs, not yours. That is a good enough reason for you to get out before you suffer more pain. He is not worth it. Just making use of you and probably having a good laugh with her, about you. You do not need him to feel good about yourself. You have yourself. Be smarter than him. Why? That 22 will soon realize he is not worth it either. He will have neither of you in the end. Just his own sorry ass!

report abuse

vote down

vote up

Votes: +1

In the same boat as you
written by InPain , February 06, 2007

My husband insists that he did not sleep with her, but they kissed once (he blamed me, because I had a fight with him) and I was away at that time. Anyway, we are now in a different country from that girl, but he insists on being in touch with her. She is blatant about her feelings for my husband, even though she knows that he is married, and she knows me. He said he has changed his life around for me and has left the country, given up his business etc etc to be with me. But is resentful that I want to control who he is in touch with. He does not understand that I do not want him to stop being touch with her because I want it, and he resents me for it, I need him to not be in touch with her, because he values our marriage, because he knows that it hurts me. He does not get it. My question is, why is he prepared to do all of that like moving and giving up his business (all really really big things) but not prepared to do a simple thing like not being in touch with her anymore, particularly since he says she does not mean anything to him and that she is useful to be in touch with because she can help him in his work from the other country? (She is only 24 and he is 42 - figure that!). Why does he not resent moving and leaving his business for me (so he says) but resents not being in touch with her?

report abuse

vote down

vote up

Votes: +0

My husband did the same.
written by informal Guest , March 07, 2007

My husband threw our marriage away for a girl he met online. He knew her a month and told her things about me like "She's my Ex stalking me" and that "She breaks into my house and steals things". After all I stayed with him through! Any man that can throw his children and wife away for an online affair isn't worth it. Dump the bum before he dumps you.

report abuse

vote down

vote up

Votes: +0

...
written by pippy , December 19, 2007

About 4 years ago I found USA telephone numbers on phone bill so i rang them up. A women answered and when she heard my accent she said; I have been expecting a call from England you must the wife. I told my husband and he assured me she was a bit scanty and he just didn't wanna hurt her feelings, said she was only a friend and he will never phone her again. I cried so much and even he got upset. I believed him until September 2007 I found 4 years of hidden from bills and much to my amazement it had been going on since. In all he has been communicating for 5 and a half years. When I told him 2nd time his answer was not like before. He told me he loved her wanted to marry her and we have now started divorce proceedings. He talks to her on our house phone online and just constantly praises her, but always the first to put me down. I don't know why but I do still love him and I'm trying to win him back and it hurts me so much.

report abuse

vote down

vote up

Votes: -1

...
written by Kira559 , June 26, 2008

Honestly... I think you deserve better than this. Your husband may say that he need his own freedom or what so ever... that's trash!!! If there is nothing going on between them then they wouldn't have as much contact with each other. Common sense... Go with your instinct...

report abuse

vote down

vote up

Votes: +0

...
written by SLB , August 06, 2008

Every time my husband goes to Alaska to visit his parents he always comes back with divorced woman's cell #. He has called a lot and sent flowers too.
Found a txt message "I need you, wake up, I want to kisses your face." I know she lives in IL but why would a married man and a divorced woman want to talk 21 days out of the month? He said they are only friends! yea right! This is really killing me. Can someone help me deal with this?

report abuse

vote down

vote up

Votes: +0

...
written by SLB , August 06, 2008

Why does a husband feel they have to call single or divorce women? Why does he send flowers to her when he can't see her? Why does he call her just a friend when she knows everything about me and my family? He has been caught 3 times calling and texting women. Why is it that all of them are single and he can't be friends with a married couple for me and him to be around?

report abuse

vote down

vote up

Votes: +0

Write comment