| I just discovered by husband is cheating and I confronted him |
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I want to start out with saying that my husband has a very out going personality and I am more reserved, shy and tend to keep to myself. He likes to go out with people from work where as I prefer to stay home. I don't let me not wanting to go out stop him from going a having a good time. Also, he has always had more female friends then male ones. He gets along with females better. I have known this since I met him and it has never been an issue. Well in November he met a women while out, she is married and has a daughter, so I saw no problem with them being friends. However, over the last few weeks, my husband has been keeping to himself a lot, coming home from work and keeping his cell phone right next to him. He text messages this woman while pretty much ignoring what’s going on in the house. When I ask him what they are talking about, he gets annoyed with me! And when he does answer he always says nothing important, just stupid stuff. Starting this week, I decided that I was going to get out of the house and go on a walk each night. So every night I've been leaving the house and an hour later coming home. Well after getting online to pay our cell phone bill I noticed that every time I leave the house he’s calling her. And when I get home and get in the shower he is calling her again. So I tell him "you know I have no problem with you talking to her, you don't have to wait until I leave to talk to her on the phone." He said that it wasn't done on purpose it just happened that I was gone when they talked. Ok, whatever I blew it off. He has also started to get online and talk with her on his Yahoo Messenger. The other night he was chatting with her online when he suddenly says that he got a text message from one of his friends and he was going to run over to her house real quick. When he left, I get on his yahoo messenger and checked the archived and there they were. All the conversations that they have had online. My heart sank into my stomach when I read what they said!! My husband at one point asks the woman what she thinks when he tells her that he wants to see where "this" can go. She response with she wants to see where it’s going too but she doesn’t want to mess things up with him and me and her and her husband. He then says "Lets not worry about that, its not like were are at that point just yet, lets not worry about what we have (meaning their spouses) and worry about what WE have" (meaning him and her). They made plans to go out together on Friday night. Then it turns out when he suddenly had to go to his friend’s house, they BOTH planned on meeting there. Since they are both married they have to go to a mutual friend’s house and that is what they did. He tells her "I'm leaving now, I'll see you there." When he got home that night I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to do. The next morning, when we get up and he’s getting ready to go to work I ask him a question about what he did at his friend’s house. He gives the same answer as always "oh nothing really" then added \"we played cards for a little bit." Maybe it was my imagination, I'm not sure but he then started to get real short with me. I would ask him something and he would say yes or no and that was it. Well I ended up getting upset with him. What I knew was eating away at me and I could help but let him know that I wasn't stupid, that I knew things he doesn't know that I know. I didn't want to tell him everything that I had found out but once he started acting like he had no idea what I was talking about, I went and got the laptop and showed him exactly what I was talking about. He tells me "those are just words." Of course I don't believe him. He says she didn't go over to their friend’s house the night before. He says "fine I won't talk to her anymore, will that make you happy?" I say "yeah!" At this point he is already late for work and has to leave. Later on in the day I send him a text message saying that when he gets home I would really like it if we could sit down and talk about things, open and honestly without distractions and without yelling. Just talk and actually hear what the other has to say. No sooner then I send that to him he calls and tells me I thought we had this resolved? I'm not talking to her anymore and there is nothing more to talk about. When I tell him that I just want to talk to him and find out why he feels like he has to go elsewhere for companionship, to find out what he’s not happy with. To just talk about what is going on in our relationship that either of us may or may not be happy with. How are we going to grow and stay happy if we can't talk? He blows it off and says that there’s nothing to talk about. I'm not talking to her anymore. He completely ignored what I wanted, I didn't want to have a conversation JUST about her or what was going on with her, I wanted to have a conversation about US, me and him and he wanted nothing to do with. When he got home that night, we didn't have a talk. He got on his video game and I went on my walk. It seemed as if he is mad at me for this. He’s moping around the house (when he’s not on his game) like he has lost his best friend. He’s acting like a kid, whose mom has told him that he can't play with his friend anymore, and it makes the kid mad cause the kid still wants to play with his friend. I don't know what to do!! Up until 4 days ago I thought that I had a great relationship with my husband! We have been married for 9 years and have 4 kids! Why doesn't he want to talk about our relationship? Why does it seem like he is blaming me for all this? Response: In a long term relationship, companionship becomes critical. While people may marry a spouse for a variety of reasons, what ultimately matters in the long run is companionship (see, romantic attachments). That is, do people enjoy each other’s company and doing things together? Without companionship, it is difficult to make a romantic relationship work. When companionship is missing in a relationship, people look for it elsewhere. In such a situation, people often find themselves attached to a spouse, but in love with someone else (see, typology of cheating – romantic cheating). So, your feelings about the situation are completely legitimate. Your husband has been cheating on you emotionally. He’s been seeking companionship with another woman and hiding the details of it from you. Essentially, you’ve become an outsider in your own relationship. You’re husband is not sharing his feelings with you, but with someone else (see, what counts as cheating). And unfortunately, your question reveals a lot about how infidelity works. The signs of cheating are always easier to see in hindsight (see, signs of cheating). This happens all the time because it is too emotionally painful for people to see things are they truly are (see, catching lovers lying). Unfortunately, many people fail to see what is going on in their own relationship, until it’s too late. And even when people gather evidence that a spouse has been behaving inappropriately, spouses tend to deny the truth. Your husband’s response that to his sharing feelings with another woman and planning to secretly met her – “those are just words” is a classic example of the cheater’s paradox (see, cheater’s paradox). Unfortunately, such denials only make it more difficult for spouses to work through their problems. So, what’s going on now? It seems that your husband has been caught; he’s dealing with his loss. Or maybe he’s thinking about what he wants to do. But, it doesn’t sound like he wants to work things out. How do you cope with such a situation? After making such a discovery, it is important for spouses to talk about what happened (see, infidelity recovery). But, it seems like your husband isn’t ready to do so. And in all honesty, you can’t force a partner to talk about it. Unless both people have a sincere desire to talk about what happened, trying to do so is often counterproductive. Trying to force a partner to talk only creates more tension and frustration. So, our best advice is to give your husband a little time. He may be deciding how he wants to deal with this situation. If he decides that he wants to work things out, then it will be important for you to have all your questions answered. In the meantime, however, our best advice is talk to a counselor on your own. In such a time of crisis, it helps to have someone with professional experience to guide your through these issues (see, counseling resources). We wish you the best of luck.
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Same situation for me but reversed
written by Dave EB , 21 March, 2007
It almost looked like I was the one that wrote this letter - I just found out my wife has been cheating for 3 years. We have two kids and she cries and says she is sorry - but I know she is just sorry she got caught. I love my kids - I cannot deal with my wife - I am done with her. I wish you the best of luck. - God bless.
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written by Stacey Gb , 13 April, 2007
I have a similar situation. I confronted my boyfriend that I knew he was cheating, he even had the disrespect to do it with a very close friend of mine. And when I asked him about it, he puts the blame onto me. He also wants a week on his own before we discuss it. Which is a week to think about his alibi to me! To be cheated on is the worse feeling in the world.
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written by Lysha , 17 April, 2007
I guess I am not alone in this. Yes, I agree that being cheated on is the worst feeling in the world. I found out my husband was cheating on me off and on through out our entire 9 year relationship. I really had no idea and didn't see any signs or warnings. I totally trusted him,
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he used to tell me about his ex-girlfriend who had cheated on him and how much it hurt him, that he could never hurt someone like that. But then he did it to me. After finding out the truth about him & all the horrible things he'd done, I immediately filed for divorce and stopped answering the phone when he called. I'm done with him & I won't ever give him a chance to tell me another one of his lies. It was hard..real hard.. but so far, I think that's it's been one of the best things I've ever done for myself.  report abuse
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written by guest , 27 April, 2007
Do you and your husband have any hobbies or fun thing you can do "together?" Seems like he is gone alone a lot! I think it helps if you can be more involved as a couple or do fun family things.
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written by hull , 12 May, 2007
I too, found out that my husband was cheating before Christmas. Here it is someone that he was "friends" with 18 years ago and he reports that he has known for over 30 years. I am not sure if I should even try to work on anything with him as I have virtually no trust. He denies everything and is not sorry.
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written by guest , 05 January, 2008
I am going through the exact same thing with my husband. I am very bitter towards him. It is very hard for me to get over this, he says he won't talk to his friend anymore but I don't believe him. Every time I think about the situation I get more upset.
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written by Hvn deceived , 16 June, 2008
OMG... I am not alone after all. I caught my husband by getting in his car and turning on his cell phone. He usually deleted all text. I saw her name and number on call log. A pattern had formed daily. (He was verbally abusive and accusing me of things I couldn't understand.) Well, he went to bed (MAD) and I turned the phone on a she had sent him 2 text after he turned off his phone. They were so revealing. I hurt so bad... even though I knew something was going on. He had said he was leaving but wanted a dissolution. One that was very one sided... I am in college. WELL... Finding all this out gave me the guts to say NO... I am a beautiful women... I don't deserve this treatment. His big fear is DIVORCE... He will lose MONEY. OH YEA... well there goes my guilt... I want everything I can get. I will not struggle when he has a 6 figure income. No way I also found he was hiding $ and I'm eating p& j, at school, cutting coupons, ran out of gas 2 x on the way to school. He's bitching because I spent his money. I am so hurt. This is a man who is successful and has a lot of integrity. I responded to her text, and she called back. I confronted him... and threw him out. Got a court order and I feel so alive!!! This is going to be a great qtr... no worries... see an attorney and know your rights. I doesn't even take 2 days to have money and PEACE. It hurts so bad and I'm lonely... but not for long.
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written by 727 , 27 June, 2008
I just found out my husband of 17 yrs has been cheating on me since November, with a woman in CA and we live in FL. We've been together since high school, and have 3 kids. I trusted him. He told me he was going to CA for business to expand our business and better our family. I was stupid to believe him, and never once to thought for a hotel phone number and/or copy of the airline tickets. With cell phones, why would I need a land line. Little did I know, he was going to visit another woman, and her daughter. He did this about 3-4 times that I'm aware of. He told me she came to FL to visit him as well at least once. I found emails he wrote to her, devoting his love to her. I felt sick to my stomach as I read them. The sad thing is, that I'm still in love with him. Am I stupid, for thinking I might be able to save my marriage????
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written by Gorgois , 02 October, 2008
My husband had an affair for 2 years with a woman 11years his junior,our children were 3yrs and 7yrs old when I found out. I confronted him after finding a load of letters and photographs of the two of them together. He broke down and said that he wanted to stay with me and the kids. I was devastated at the time but I gradually I got over it and we became close again as a couple and a family. However, at the beginning of this year he came in drunk after having a night out with 'the lads' he went straight to bed and when I went up to bed I saw that he'd fallen asleep with his phone tucked under him. I looked at his phone and there were 3 text messages from someone telling him how much they loved him and what time they wanted to meet him at a pub. I confronted him the following morning and he just said that there wasn't anything going on and it was just flirty texts. I don't trust him anymore and now I find myself falling in love with a man who has also been hurt in this way and wants to be with me. I would like to be with this man as I know he would be faithful to me, he wants to take me out (which my husband rarely does) and generally wants to look after me and be involved with my kids. I have known my husband for 22yrs and through everything we have always managed to be friends but I don't know how to move forward with any of this, anyone have any advice?
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written by mila , 09 November, 2008
Hi everyone, I have been married for 19 years, have 2 kids. I was 20 years old, very naive and in love.I was pregnant when I married my husband. He is black and I am white. My husband started cheating on me 1 month after we got married. I discovered all his affairs a year later, however I felt trapped that my son is bi-racial and he need his father. After 9 years of marriage, feeling lonely and depressed, because my husband did not show any affection, I told him that I want the divorce. He was outraged, he threatened to kill me. I moved out from the house we bought right before the breakup and rented an apartment. I started dating a man I worked with. My husband yelled, then cried asking me to come back. I said no. He started dating other women, actually 4 women. 3 month later my boyfriend and I broke. My husband was begging for me to come back( I did not know he had dated 4 other women). I felt lonely and moved back with my husband. We argued a lot, then things got much better, especially after my 2 nd son was born 6 years ago. 6 month ago I found an e-mail he send to the same women he dated 10 years ago.The e-mail read" I am thinking about you".He was very mad that I looked at his e-mails, and he told me she asked him to sell her house ( he is a broker). I was very suspicious and checked all his cell phone bills, found out they have been calling each other on and off for more then 2 years, she.. lives in a different state.Also he has been calling 2 other women almost every day,late at night, especially when he was going on a business trips every month. I confronted him and told him that I want divorce. He cried, begged me to give me last chance,said he was completely wrong and that he will never do it again, he started going to counceling for anger management. For the last 6 month he treats me very very nice, but I can not help myself but thinking that he just do not want to loose the money ( we have a lot of investment properties). I feel very resentful towards him and miserable. I don't trust him,it is crazy but I still have feelings for him, I am very confused.I feel that 19 years of my life was wasted, I question myself what if he really now changed, and if I divorce him he will move on and have happy relationship with someone else.
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written by KaiyaJane , 02 December, 2008
Why on earth, in this day of sexually transmitted diseases, would anyone stay with a cheater?
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written by jlove , 20 December, 2008
Men should understand that when they cheat it hurts everyone involved,especially if children are involved. Children look up to their fathers especially boys. When a parent cheats it greatly affects child. Both men and woman need to make sure they can stay committed to their spouse and stay away from affairs. if you don't think you could ever stay faithful in a relationship you need not get involved in a serious one,especially when a child is involved. Don't just think about yourself and how you are getting your pleasure, think about those little ones that are involved also. You are hurting them more than you are hurting anyone because they don't understand. They don't need to hear,"well if mommy (or daddy)wouldn't have cheated we wouldn't be having problems." Children are the most precious thing in this world. Don't ruin their lives just so you can get your satisfaction somewhere else.
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written by sharshi , 03 June, 2009
I just found out before Christmas my husband of 22 years has been cheating with a women 10 years older than me for the past year. I found a pre-pay cell phone on the floor at a Christmas party and opened it to see who it belonged to and it was my husbands. I confronted him and did not deny it. But, he will not talk to me about the affair. At this time we are still together and working on the problems in our marriage, but I am having a hard time trusting him and I am not sure if he has cut all ties to this woman. Cheating husbands not only damage the trust in their marriage, but also the lives of the children. Our children are grown and they are having a hard time with this problem and I feel I do not know what to do to help them.
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written by Rea , 08 September, 2009
My question is, is their really any men who does not cheat?
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written by please , 15 September, 2009
I don't really understand why people cheat. It's not necessary. LEAVE!! You really don't know the person you cheat w/ where they show you only the good parts. You don't know what they do after they get off the phone w/ you. Texting or calling someone else. Stds are real. They kill. This is a crazy world we live in w/ so much deceit. why does someone feel they need control of their love one but want someone one the side. It's a control issue they love to play with your heart.
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