| I didn't know I was dating a married man |
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Ok here is my situation. My boyfriend lied to me for 3 years. I met him about 3 years ago when I was an intern in for a PR firm in New York City. I was finishing college and getting ready to move to New York permanently for work. After the move we still were back and forth but he still did not want to commit. I told him after about a year and half of this not to call me or see me and we didn't for about 2 months. After that he decided he was ready to get involved in a serious relationship. So we started dating and did for about 8 months. We saw each other every morning and hung out every night. He stayed at my apartment once or twice the entire relationship but never the weekend. I got pissed about it and mentioned it several times. I never met his family which was a huge issue especially since it was his decision to fly to my home a month after we started dating to meet mine. I began to get some suspicions because of the whole weekend thing and family thing. I confronted him several times and the excuse for the weekend thing was sometimes he was traveling and sometimes, well, he had stuff to do I guess. The family thing was apparently his mother is a huge b*tch and there are a lot of family issues that he does not want to bring me into. Well, voracious for the truth I began searching through the white pages online and found his address. I decided after this memorial day of not seeing him that I was going to call that number and sure enough an answering machine came on and it was a woman. I confronted him about this and told him I was done and he might as well tell me the truth. He tells me that he was married for 8 years and has been going through a divorce for 3 years. Part of me wants to believe him but I told him that I needed some proof for there to even be a thought of a chance in the future and the only way to do that would be to take me to his home and let me meet his mother, which is whom he claims to live with now. He says his marriage was a convenience and that they never loved each other, she cheated on him, blah, blah, blah. His excuse for not telling me is that he did not want to lose me. Well, of course he didn't. The trouble with my situation is that I have never felt this connected to someone in my life in a physical and emotional way. People screw me over and I can write them off easily. We have both said we love each other. Apparently I am the love of his life, ha. I am having a difficult time dealing with him not being part of my life. We saw each other and I am in a weaning process so to speak, a very painful weaning process. I cannot quit him cold turkey. My questions to you are: Can I ever trust him again? Should I ever trust him again? How do I handle this? When will the sadness go away? How long will it take to trust him again if I ever do? Please help me... I am so depressed... Response: Unfortunately, it sounds like you have a deep emotional attachment to a married man (see, romantic attachment). Given that he hasn’t been able to spend nights and weekends with you in about three years, and that he hasn’t taken you to meet his family, the most obvious explanation is that he is still married. And while divorces can take a long time, often people going through a lengthy divorce start seeing other people, but they tend to do it out in the “open.” And there are a lot of ways to prove that one is going through a divorce – the process generates a lot of paperwork. Given that he has lied to you about such a fundamental and basic issue – you deserve proof of his impending divorce – talking to his wife, talking to his divorce attorney, or getting a copy of the paperwork. At this point, you deserve all three. But, from our perspective, we question why you would want to trust him again? He has not earned your trust. Mostly likely, he has been using you to cheat on his wife. And while you may love him… the nice thing about intense romantic love – the kind of love that makes you think you’ve found the love of your life … most people experience that “once-in-a-lifetime love," quite often, if given the chance (see, love, sexual desire, and attachment). Probably the best thing that you can do is refuse to see him again. The longer you drag things out, the longer your feelings for him will last. And talking to a counselor about your situation might help you through this difficult time and help you see that you have better alternatives than dating a married man.
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Cheating boyfriend
written by Guest , 07 June, 2006
Hi, I'm currently undergoing the same situation right now.. I met this guy over the internet. He is the same nationality as mine. We became close. He was working in a different country, but decided to follow me. I sponsored his visa and everything thinking that he was the person who I was looking for. He was very honest with me before, telling me about his past problems of drug addiction and how his friend got killed because of that.. I had some doubts about that but I chose to ignore it since he said he got over it.. Anyway, he is with me now.. he is staying in a different apartment but he is close by.. he transfered just two days ago and when I was going thru his things I saw pictures of a child.. I was shocked, though I knew there was something fishy about it.. he told me its his daughter, she already five years old and he's having custody of the child and his mom is taking care of her since he needs to go to another country to work. And then I confronted him and told him that I would have understood it if he just needs my help on finding a job.. he told me that he is filling for an annulment.. but he needs to save the money first.. I don't know what to do anymore.. We have made plans already about our future and it has been a wonderful time together since were both trying to make our way to improve. Should I call his mom to know about it? Currently, I emailed his old girlfriend whom I thought was his wife.. because that's what he said. What I don't understand is he told me that he is married and yet he gave a different name of a woman? I wanted to get to the bottom of this, but I don't want to fight him.. he still owes me a lot of money and I'm afraid if I do that he might just run off..
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written by Guest , 16 June, 2006
I have been betrayed by men in my past and never wanted to be the "other woman," but have been in this case. The man has been living with a girlfriend with 4 kids and he gets free rent for himself and his daughter there. They'd been together 3 years when we met. I like him and wanted to get to know him, and we really got on well. We dated 3 months before he told me about her, and said he hadn't been happy for a while, told me of his financial situation (trying to put his daughter though private school and on fire fighter's income in high cost of living state. H introduced me to his daughter, his mother (who told me herself he hadn't been happy and was going to leave that relationship and she wished he'd do it soon), and his brother, as well as all his co-workers. I was disturbed at being the other woman and told him that went against my values and he needed to figure out what he wanted in his life and make a decision. I did not try to lure him away, having known that pain. He said he couldn't leave yet, but would be out end of summer. Never happened. Always and excuse. two years later and much anguish over loving him and him always saying he loved me and "soon" would be with me, I ended it. He kept calling and sending cards, claiming to love me very much and miss me, yet he would never back his words with actions. Now, I'm the one who has to end it out of frustration listening to him call his "situation at home" "strange," staying with what's easy and convenient. He's never told her the truth and says he will treasure our memories. Can he be truly happy living with someone he uses for financial benefits and keeping secrets from her? What is it he wants? I stayed away and he was a puppy after me, now he knows I've had it and never lifted a finger to make it work.
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written by Guest , 20 June, 2006
Oh honey, I'm dating a married man. I'm in love with him and he takes money and gifts from me but never bought me so much as a drink or one red rose or card for V.D., xmas or my birthday. I know he's using me but I can't let go. You and I I are crazy, bottom line. Love will do that to you. Stay away from him. You'll be better off!!!
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written by Guest , 04 August, 2006
You all deserve the right to be happy! And clearly, these relationships are only causing you pain. Respect yourself enough to walk away, begin the healing process. What are you truly losing? A relationship with its foundation built on lies and deception. Relationships that are healthy are that way because people invest the necessary time and efforts. In addition, relationships that have unhealthy beginnings, plagued with deceit and wrought with unreasonable expectations are doomed. Start from a healthy place with someone who is emotionally available. If you do decide to stay in the relationship, consider eliminating your expectations. Do not expect him to leave, just give selflessly and expect nothing in return. If you have no expectations of that individual they cannot conceivably hurt you. Sounds difficult I am sure, but that is the only way to protect yourself if you insist on staying in the relationship. One last thought, as the spouse of a cheating husband I know what it feels like to wake up and realize your husband has been unfaithful. Please try and consider the wife's feelings and treat her as you would expect to be treated.
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written by Bea , 19 January, 2007
I have been dating a married man for 2 years now. I knew it was wrong and against everything I believed. My husband cheated on me and had a child as a result. I know what it is like to be on the other side almost every relationship I have had I have been cheated on. Two resulted in me having nervous break downs. Most of this is a result of my low self esteem due to having been sexually abused from the age of 3 to 16. I got married at 17 hoping to have a knight in shinning amour. And every relationship has been a mess. Anyway when I went into this relationship I thought it was a safe place to be, since he was not actually mine, if and when things went bad it would not be as emotionally devastating. But I tell you it is. I suspected he had not been truthful to me on several occasions. He made me feel more loved then I had ever been, which actually was not very hard to do since I had been abandon by my parents and sexually abused by my grandfather while my grandmother had full knowledge of it. Right now I am in so much pain knowing the lies he has told me the most recent and for 3 months that he is dying of cancer. This was actually an excuse to have more time too spend with the other other woman. The cut is so very fresh. I am I so angry for falling for the same thing over and over again. I am in counseling and have been for 6 years. I have some much work to do and have actually accomplished so much over the past 6 years. This is a bit of a set back I have no friends and feel as though I am going crazy.
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It all cuts like a knife we had a secret cell phone and I received the bill. I never looked at the bill until recently when he had stopped paying it due to the so called cancer. At first I was going to pay it, but I realized he had been using up more minutes then a man who was too ill to call me. So who was he spending his minutes on the phone with. I called the number and was met with lie after lie from her and from him. They did not have their stories straight, which was a clear indication and confirmation of what I has suspected for months. It hurts so much the my counselor mentioned that they were both pathological liars. I have been doing some reading and the definition of a pathological liar and who and what they are has given some comfort but all this has come to light today and I am reeling and will be in pain for some time. I really loved this man. I can not believe the same person who was begging me not to break up with him 3 months ago so that he could deal with his life threatening cancer is writing me off because I have discovered he has been lying to me. Seriously, where did the man I love disappear to? Yes I know I am better of. That is the reality. But emotionally I am hurting. report abuse
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written by guest , 19 June, 2007
Wow. As I have been reading these stories I can't believe how similar they are to my own. I too was deceived by a married man. I met him about a year and a half ago and fell for him hard. He told me he had never been married and we appeared to have the same mindset regarding the sacredness of marriage etc. He portrayed himself to be everything I had ever wanted in a partner. He treated me like gold and I had never been happier in my life. We discussed marriage and children and spending the rest of our lives together. One thing that bothered me was the fact that I had never met anyone connected to his life. He had told me his mother was crazy so I was afraid to meet her, and all his friends appeared to live out of state. I also had never been to his house - he gave me one excuse after another - until one day, about 4 mths into our relationship, I discovered he indeed had been married. not once but twice... I confronted him and he denied it until I showed him proof. He then apologized profusely and told me that he was afraid he would loose me if he had told me he had been married. At this point I should have walked away. But he swore to me that he was currently divorced and would never lie to me again. At this point, my rational side was screaming run away, but my heart would not let go. I too felt as if I had met the love of my life and decided to give him the benefit of the doubt. We did take a break for a few months so I could clear my head. During that time I went in for counseling. About 6 mths ago, we started dating again. Things were rocky at first. I was very skeptical and untrusting at first of his every motive. Slowly I began to let him in again only to find out last week that he is actually still married to the 2nd wife and has been all this time. I don't know how he pulls it off. He is with me at least 3 nights a week and we talk every night on the phone. I can't believe i was so naive and blind as to fall for his lies a second time. When I confronted him this time he told me that he is in the process of divorcing his wife and has been since he met me. I told him that I cant be with him. It is against my morals to date a married man, yet I am completely in love with him still and can't imagine my life without him. He was hysterically crying on the phone and begged me to wait for him while his divorce goes through. I know that I should walk away, but a part of me believes that maybe once he is divorced he wont have to lie anymore and then we will be free to start over. Is anyone else experiencing anything similar? It would be helpful to hear how other people are dealing with a similar situation.
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written by Guest , 12 July, 2007
I just found out my boyfriend of six months was married. He went to great lengths to convince me he was single and convince his wife I didn't exist. I was in love with him and believed he loved me.
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Advice ladies? 2 things: 1. Men who lie to this extent are chameleons. They get along with everybody . . .have a silver tongue . . .however you want to say it. It hurts to think the connection you had together was fake, but the sooner you realize the lie to sooner you can get over it. 2. People make mistakes, and people can change. But when someone goes to that extent to lie to you and everyone else they care about . . .it's not going to change. Get out, and if you stay it's your own fault whatever happens. report abuse
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written by guest , 06 August, 2007
I can't believe how these stories are so like mine. I was dating a man who said his only wife had been killed 20 years previously. He traveled for work but was usually available to me by phone. He was gone over every major holiday but otherwise was with me. I just found out he has been married for the past 6 years. He says he is in the middle of a divorce right now but I am having a hard time believing it. Sounds like we have all been had - the attachment is tough to break.
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written by So In Love , 15 November, 2007
My boyfriend is divorced but living separate from his wife due to cheating on her and having a child with another woman. He claims he is done with cheating and wants to settle down with me, but he has not made any attempt to get divorced. I'm giving him exactly one year of my time and then I plan to leave him because I refuse to be in a longterm relationship as the "other woman". I know it will hurt, but I'll be better off in the long run. These men are so convincing that they love only you but in reality it seems they only love themselves because if they truly loved you they would not do this.
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written by Home wrecker? , 23 February, 2008
Didn't know he was married at the very beginning but found out real fast. Was a little confused at first, but sadly...I ignored those feelings and fell real hard for him. Six and a half years later, we're the parents of a two year old he never sees. Somehow, he always managed to see me when our little one was in daycare or stopped by when the little one was having nap time. He keeps telling me how the child (Six years old and lots of issues...medication even) of his marriage needs him and that's why he has to stick around in a marriage he can't stand and with a wife he doesn't love.... When our little one was almost one years old, he did finally tell his wife. What he told her, I really don't know. For sure he told her about our child, but I suspect I was presented in somewhat of a whore's light. She even contacted me and said all you could imagine a wife might say to the "other" woman...unfortunately, it doesn't stop me from loving him. However, I don't see him anymore even though he does try to contact me from time to time. Too long a story to write, but he's supposedly pursuing a divorce (I honestly don't believe it). How long does this hurt take? What do I say when my little one finally asks about his daddy and why he doesn't have one? Man....I really screwed up on this one!
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written by guest1 , 24 April, 2009
I know there are men who will lie about their marital status, but why are so many women being tricked into believing a man is single only to find out otherwise? Because we are being intimate and falling in love too quickly. We simply need to refrain from having sex, and putting our hearts out there until we know enough about the men we are dating. Know where he works, where he lives, and have more than just his cell phone number before letting things get serious. If a man cannot give me his home number, or take me to his home, we will not be sleeping together.
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written by Sunshine0419 , 05 June, 2009
I just recently found out that I guy I dated was married for five years when we met. I found this out AFTER I broke up with him, though. There was always something strange about him; I learned that he also had problems with the law, and he was a genuinely selfish person!
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Ladies, please know that men put on different masks when you first meet them, and can change them, if need be. When I met him, he had all the qualities I was looking for in a mate - smart, professional and hard working. Unfortunately, all of this was just scratching the surface. He also liked to go out alot and drink with his buddies, and then if he did something for me, he ALWAYS wanted sex at the end of the night for it. Eventually I got TIRED of him, so I moved on. He still tried to call me, even when I got into a new relationship, so my boyfriend (at the the time) really let him have it!!! Ladies, PLEASE, PLEASE PLEASE do a full background check on the man that you're with, and really get to know him, (the good and the bad). Believe me, it could save your life! I really thank GOD for letting me see who this guy really was! Also, ask him alot of questions, because if you don't, MEN WILL NOT TELL YOU ANYTHING, trust me when I say this!!!!!! report abuse
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