| My girlfriend broke up with me due to my jealousy |
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I had a fight and broke up with my girlfriend of almost four years after I found out she was in contact with her ex-boyfriend. The fact that she was in contact with him isn’t really the problem it’s the fact she lied repeatedly for almost two days about it even know I told her that I knew 100% that she was lying. Over the space of these two days I kept pushing her to tell me the truth, and refused to believe that she was not in contact with him. Finally, she told me the truth but she also said that my actions pushed her away and she said she wanted to break up. This is the third time I have found out she has lied to me which is making me think if I only know about 3 lies how many do I not know about? But the fact is I love her we are well match and are best friends. I have been talking to her today and she said that she thinks she needs space; I agreed and said that I think I need space also. She says she loves me and she just wants to think about what she wants. She said that I am the only person she has really been in love with and I think she is the only person I’ve really loved as well. She also said that I she thinks I don’t trust her. I explained that I’ve found out she lied to me to many times and that I want nothing more than to completely trust her. I don’t think I should accept being lied to. I believe relationships should be based on honesty. I wrote the above shortly after breaking up with my girlfriend and posted it on another website. But since then I have been doing a lot of soul searching and also reading some of the articles on this website. I’m starting to think that I am jealous as much as I hate admitting it. I still don’t like the face that she lied to me, but I can in a way understand why she might. What I want two know is there anything I can do to stop myself for being so jealous. I really don’t want to be like this and it scares me to think that I have been doing something for that may be pushing her away. Response: To begin with, relationships are complicated because they involve a balance between closeness and independence. People have the need to share their life with a partner as well as a need for some privacy. Relationships work best when couples acknowledge and learn how to balance these conflicting desires. Being prone to jealousy makes this task much more difficult. Jealousy often leads people to try and control a partner’s actions (see, dealing with jealousy). But, the more you try to control the situation, the more likely a partner is to assert their independence (see, relationship dynamics), often resorting to the use of concealment and deception to do so (see, protect privacy). It is possible that your girlfriend was talking to her ex for harmless reasons (see, contact with an ex), but she hid her contact from you because she was afraid of how you might respond (see, responding poorly to the truth). It is also likely that your girlfriend’s behavior only increased your jealousy. This pattern of jealousy and concealment often causes relationships to come to an end. So what is a better way to deal with these types of situations? To begin with, it helps to realize that being close to someone involves giving up some control. If you want to feel close to your girlfriend and you want her to share things with you, then you need to make your girlfriend feel comfortable telling the truth (see, get others to be honest). Again, this involves giving up some control as well as being willing to hear things you do not necessary want to hear. Honesty can create hurt feelings, but that is the price you pay for being close to someone else. Or think of it this way, you can force a partner to tell you what you want, but doing so always creates distance within a relationship. With that said, a better way of dealing with jealousy is to express what you are feeling without making accusations or trying to control a partner’s behavior (see, talk about problems and talk about jealousy). The more you can talk about your feelings, rather than acting on them, the less intense your feelings will become over time. Ultimately, if you can learn to talk about your feelings in a way that doesn’t come across as an attempt to control your girlfriend, you are more likely to get what you want in your relationship: more closeness and honesty. Hope this helps.
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written by Tatiyanna , 03 June, 2008
Jealousy is very hard to cope with when your thoughts of your girl, or man cheating on you. But again we all need to think about being accused of lying, and treating them differently. In my eyes, if you love someone let them be and have ... FAITH HOPE AND LOVE and let god take it from there.. If it's meant to be it will!!
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written by kgomo kgomotso , 07 November, 2008
Jealousy will provoke negative thoughts, thinking this and that about he, hence you will end up being insecure. I think the only way to eradicate this jealousy,you need to speak with her and tell her how you feel.
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written by Thom , 07 February, 2009
Jealousy is a hard thing to deal with. Especially, when you've found the one. But knowing that you've found the one, should make it easier to talk about. If you think she/he is too jealous, just reassure them that they are the only one. Don't hold it inside. Don't lose everything over fear.
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written by Trust , 18 February, 2009
You don't trust her because she lied to you, what the hell are you blaming yourself for?
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written by evolive , 25 February, 2009
Last response is the best one, why are you blaming yourself...she's lying to you because she wants to conceal something from you, which means that she is breaking your trust...especially with someone that she has inner-emotions for...dump her and don't look back.
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written by avein29 , 08 September, 2009
I don't care how much new age nonsense people spoon feed you. The excuse of your actions making her do something is just a way of denying personal responsibility for her poor character and the actions she took because of that poor character.
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Work on yourself, be happy with you and that will be the best thing you can do for you and give the added bonus of pissing this emotional harlot off. report abuse
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written by big man , 13 October, 2009
I know the feelings you're going through, I have been in a similar predicament. When you love someone, "All rules seem to loose their values". Anyways, I will never tell you what to do or how to feel, you have to figure it out for your self. Trust is very important, but how do you trust a repetitive lyier? PPl many times abuse the ones who love them the most, because they know love makes you weak. If she loves you back, she will know what makes you happy or mad, so it's also up to her not to push your buttons. You see, situations like this are sticky, her communications with her EX could be innocent, yet I have known girls who were having sex with their ex while they presently had a boyfriend who loved them very much. It's your call bro!!!!!
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