Truth About Deception

I have a feeling that a close friend of mine has a very deep crush on my fiancé. My fiancé and I have been together for 9 1/2 years and for the most part have a great relationship. We have been through some tough times, but what couple hasn't?

My girlfriend is also in a relationship and has been for about 4 1/2 years now. The four of us hang out quite frequently and over the past few months, I have noticed her behavior or body language around my guy is questionable. No matter where he is in a room she faces his direction. I see her constantly trying to make eye contact with him and I notice that she goes out of her way to get glances at him. It's almost like she's trying to get his attention and hopes that he will respond.

They played on the same pool team last year as did her boyfriend and one night after pool, as soon as he left the bar; she called him on his cell (I was not at pool that night). I asked him why she called him since he had just left and he said she was just teasing him about how bad he played.

Anyway, this was about the time I started to notice her behavior. Also, she seems to mention our "sex life" more often then what I would think is normal. It's almost like she is prying. It's a shame but now I don't want him around her unless I am there anymore.

And to be more honest, I am thinking about severing the relationship somewhat. The four of us are all on the same pool team this year so at least once a week; I will have to see her. Am I being over cautious or do I have a right to wonder about her feelings for my fiancé?

Response:

To begin with, are you typically the jealous type? Are you usually worried about other people being attracted to your fiancé (see, anxious attachment)? Or, are your feelings just related to your friend’s behavior?

If you typically have these types of feelings, is there someone else’s judgment or opinion you can ask for? More often than not, our feelings influence what we perceive, making it difficult to get an accurate read of what’s going on in any given situation (see, self deception). And unfortunately, this is all the more true for people who are anxious about love and romance.

With that said, if you do decide to closely monitor your friend’s behavior for insight into her feelings, what else should you look for? In addition to the things you’ve mentioned, it is important to watch how she reacts to a variety of people (establish a baseline). Some people are just more flirtatious by nature (see, flirting).

Also try to pay close attention to mimicry. People who are attracted to others signal their attraction by mimicking the other person’s speech patterns (word choice, inflection, rate of speech), gestures, posture, facial expressions, etc. This type of mimicry is hard to control – it almost always happens at an unconscious level.

And to make matters more complicated, if your friend does have a crush on your fiancé, this does not mean that she is necessarily aware of her feelings. It is possible to be attracted to someone and have little awareness of it.

Typically, the best way to resolve this type of problem is to talk to your fiancé about how you are feeling. If your boyfriend is generally open to hearing your feelings, this is the most effective way of solving such problems (see, talk about problems).

Hope this helps.

Comments (3)

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written by makingachange , 13 October, 2009

Sounds like she's after her man to me & consciously knows it. Watch her!! Why does she have his cell phone number? You don't sound jealous to me.

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written by MO , 03 February, 2010

Go with your instinct, honey. Believe me I was in exactly the same position as you this time last year and I beat myself up over even remotely suspecting something. However I wish I'd listened to my alarm bells, as they started an affair with about a week after I started seriously suspecting her motives. She and my husband had their seedy little fling for about 8 weeks, I didn't find out about it till about a week before it finished, when he tearfully confessed to me the awful truth. We had separated about three weeks after their affair started. I am now having to deal with the fall out of it all. She was just an ego boost, I can see that now. It was a friendship that became more due to our marriage being under the most pressure it had ever had, she saw an opportunity to have my life which was way better than her miserable one and my husband saw a chance to have sex with someone new after 15 years (whatever excuse he gives me about being emotionally low) with the no strings, which she promised. However he couldn't live with it and moved out then realised what a massive mistake he made and saw her for the total bunny boiler that she is. Turned out she wanted a serious relationship with him which is exactly what he didn't want with her and they had agreed that was not what she wanted as she sickly still wanted to be friends with me! So predictable that she was going to suddenly change her mind, men are so stupid! We are trying very hard to work it out but I would far rather the affair had been with some random stranger than my best friend, as I now have to live with a double betrayal which is unbearable! Good luck and kick your friend in to touch sweetie, get rid of her!

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written by LJ , 20 February, 2010

I know this post is older but I agree with the distance thing. It will give your friend time to cool off and recheck her situation. Perhaps, you can drop a word to her as well. Let her know that her behavior is odd to you and that it makes you uneasy to the point that it will hurt your friendship with her. Sometimes just bringing an issue to light can end it or at least keep someone in check.

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