My lies have destroyed my relationship

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I have a major problem lying. Not just to my friends and co-workers, but to my family and to my husband. I chose to have emotional relationships with men at my work against my husband’s wishes, and did so for months. I talked on the cell phone for long periods of time every day and sent text messages constantly. I went to lunches and used a credit card when I knew we didn’t have money, and always pretended everything was fine.

I have a high stress job, and the stress of this unfaithful lifestyle was taking its toll. This past Friday, my whole pyramid of lies came crashing down on me, and even though I hate myself for all the pain I caused, I feel a sense of relief that I’m going to be punished and get what I deserve.

I've lost the love and trust in my marriage, and rightfully so. My husband is willing to go to counseling to see if all these lies are something we can move past. I wouldn't blame him if he hated me forever. I've turned into the very thing that I hate the most, and he deserves much better than that.

How do I even begin to deserve the chance to rebuild what I destroyed? I'm willing to own up to everything, but do I even deserve the chance?

Response:

When it comes to relationships, sometimes trust gets broken beyond repair. Depending on the severity and nature of the lies you’ve told, it may be impossible for your husband to move beyond what happened and trust you again (see, consequences of lying).

And it may be in your husband’s long term best interest to end his relationship with you and start over in a new relationship where there’s not such a history of betrayal and deception. Not all relational problems can be fixed through counseling.

And while you might not be able to undo the damage done to your marriage, hopefully, you can take what you’ve learned from this situation and make the best of things to come. Unfortunately, for people who have a chronic problem with lying, it often takes the loss of everything that is important in life to learn how to relate to others more honestly (see, compulsive lying).

You may have to write off the past, but hopefully you can make the most of your future.

Tags: life shattered, my compulsive lying, save relationship, stop lying,

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written by Guest , September 06, 2006

I have recently discovered my wife has been lying to me for the past year. She had control of the finances, and for the past year she had not paid one bill. I lost my house and car and now am $30,000 in debt to collectors. She went as far as to stop the mail, so I wouldn??t see any of the collection notices or foreclosure. She made up intricate lies to continue to cover up our financial problems. It all came ahead when her brother told me she worked in a factory plant and not a hospital. She was going to college to be a nurse, and told me she graduated. I love her very much, and would like to seek help. Is it possible to get past such a magnitude of lies and deceit? Does she have a problem with lying or is she just trying to cover her mistakes?

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Expert
written by Guest , September 06, 2006

Compulsive lying can be dangerous to be around not only because it destroys trust. Compulsive lying also prevents the truth from being known - robbing people of the ability to make informed decisions. One good way to determine the extent of the problem you are facing is to weigh the damage that's been done. Small lies can be difficult to deal with, but big lies can destroy lives. Most people tell small lies, but compulsive liars typically lie about a wide range of issues - both trivial and consequential - causing extensive damage to those who place their trust in them.

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a lying drinking girl-friend
written by Guest , September 08, 2006

I have a big problem with my girlfriend. She tells me lies everyday. Some are 'white lies' even if I donâ??t accept the term and tough lies which lead me to lose trust in her. She promised me not to drink daily. But what I see everyday on the webcam that she is always red and tells me that it is due to the temperature of the air. I have a friend living next to her and she tells me that she is constant liar; I donâ??t know what to do. I love her so much abut at the same time I cannot confront her with her lies and my suspicion. By the way she lives away from me and we talk each day thru the net. Can you pls advise me for I am in very need of your help. Should I warn her, should I tell her that I know she lies?

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written by Norman , November 13, 2006

I too have been the recipient of being insulted and degraded by being lied to. The reason given was that she did not want to hurt me. My God... was that supposed to make me feel better? She is now with another man who is also a pathological liar. I hope that they are very happy together. Look after number 1: yourself. That`s not being selfish, just sensible. Remember it`ll be better to shed a few tears now than to live a lifetime of suspicion and misery. These people care about no one but themselves.

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PLEASE HELP! I Am A Compulsive Liar!
written by Pseudonym , November 26, 2006

Hello everyone!

I am new to this site, and could really use some help.

I am a 33 year-old divorced mom with 2 kids, and I have had a severe problem with compulsive lying for most of my life. Although I could probably venture to guess where it stems from, at this point it is not important to me to understand why. What is important is how to stop.

As a child, lying caused me many problems. As an adult, it has interfered in virtually all of my relationships.

I have never cheated or lied about what most people lie about (i.e.- past relationships; sexual activity; whereabouts; etc.). In fact, my lies are not in any way manipulative or a means to get anything other than maybe respect and admiration that I don't feel I would otherwise receive.

Most of my lies tend to be about my past or who I really am. For example, the kind of relationship I have with my family; my financial stability; etc. I think perhaps I try to create a life for myself that is better than the one I actually have to somehow impress others.

It's sad, really, and I have been overwhelmed with guilt about this for so many years, that it causes me great pain in my life- especially when I consider what a poor example I may be setting for my children, though they don't have any clue now.

I began dating a wonderful man 2 years ago, and ended the relationship after 6 months, rather than confess the truth. About 6 months ago, he and I began dating once again, and not only have I not told him about all of my lies, but I have added to them. Unfortunately, lying is a habit for me. This is not meant as an excuse, but rather an explanation. I want so badly to rid myself of this terrible habit that has destroyed my life.

To complicate matters, I believe I found true love for the very first time in my life. Despite my lying, the relationship is extremely healthy. We have a wonderful friendship caught on fire and I know I can trust this man completely. He has expressed that he loves me very much and wants a future with me, and I am confident that if there is a way to move past these lies, we could be so very happy together.

I would like to find a way to salvage the relationship by confessing my wrongdoings. I know that he will be heartbroken and shocked. I know that he may not be able to forgive me, and that it may very well cost me the relationship. However, without honesty on my part, I am well aware that the relationship is doomed anyway.

Again, my lies are concerning my life- my family, where I come from, my financial stability, education, etc. Though he will be very hurt by the idea, the lies were not intended to be hurtful.

I don't want to lose a chance at happiness with this incredible man that I know is right for me. At the same time, I simply just want to fix myself- regardless of the future of this relationship.

I have known I had a problem for over 20 years, yet this is the first step I have ever taken to ask for help. I assure you, it's an honest one. If there is anyone out there who can offer me some advice, I would be greatly appreciative.

Thank you for your time,
Pseudonym

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in response to Pseudonym
written by X , November 28, 2006

Reading what you wrote struck me: it sounds like it could be me. I don't have any advice or help, since I feel stuck in my lies just like you. I don't lie to cover up things I'm doing, I lie, it seems, to build a better, more admirable past for myself. Other than that, I'm in an incredibly healthy relationship where the love is genuine and I hate myself that I'm dooming this amazing relationship through my lies--lies that, at the beginning, seemed harmless but then, the closer we grew, just started to weigh on me. I am more comfortable telling lies than telling the truth; I guess I have trouble believing that people will accept me and love me the way I really am, so I have to fabricate things in order to have love in my life, of any kind. And every time I tell a lie, I say to myself, "this is the last one, I'm not going to tell any more, I'm done with lying." Every time. And it doesn't work.

I feel like I'm in way over my head, and I don't know how to swim to the surface. I just keep sinking.

And I can't afford therapy. I just feel so stuck.

Pseudonym, I'm with you. I understand you. I need help...

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written by fallgirl , February 25, 2007

I am the same way, I have never cheated on my husband, just lied about stupid things, so that he would think I was worthy of him. Now I am trapped, and I don't have the resources for counseling. I pray that we all can get through this.

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Hurting the people that I Love by Lying
written by D.J. , March 21, 2007

I was told as a child by my mother, that if my step-dad asked where I got my new clothes, tell him they were given to me. I now have a horrible lying problem that is destroying my life. I'm not blaming my mom. I'm trying to understand where this came from, so I can STOP! This has destroyed 2 marriages and I have no respect left for myself. Please help.

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written by KEVYN , April 23, 2007

Its so hard to confront the truth about yourself when truth and lies get so mixed up you don't know one from the other. How can there be a cure when everything is so muddy?

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written by Alias , June 20, 2007

PART ONE:

You know that I found this site as I was searching for the impact that little white lies have on relationships. Most people are privy to telling the odd little white lie in their lives. In a relationship sense though I feel it can be a bad basis for any hope of a relationship with longevity.

I have learned of the impact it can have on the partner. I told a little white lie to defend myself from a statement that to me was implicating I had done something wrong - and in my answer, I embellished on the truth of it a little. I don't know why I did so, it was a trivial matter. But this trivial matter made my partner - who already had trust issues with me in the start, begin to question my integrity and honesty.

It happened after exchanging glances with one of his closest friends where the friend's look was indicating "is [my partner's name] alright? he looks otherwise". No he wasn't alright - he was having a bad night at a get together put on for him. People had been asking me all night what was wrong with him. Though he didn't see all the other things that went on, he only saw us (myself and his friend) glancing at each other a few times, and ever since has made up in his own mind that I was "making eyes" at his friend. He still to this day doesn't believe me when I say I wasn't, and tells me I'm lying blatantly to his face when I deny it. Its an ugly misperception that crops up now and then. But I guess we just have to agree to disagree. I never actually like the friend in question much anyway, but that doesn't seem to matter does it.

I never lie about things normally. not things that matter or are important. If I do its just to avoid the usual tactless comment perhaps when people ask questions where the answers could hurt them - "Am I too fat?" etc. I believe since we all have different perceptions, what is right for one may not be for another. We see different truths. Doesn't make them either right or wrong necessarily, but I think in a relationship there has to be a meeting of the two at some point. It's these differences of perception that began my partners lack of trust in me after all.

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written by Alias , June 20, 2007

PART TWO:

But who am I to decide what truth to tell or mask - even if I think I am protecting someone? I guess depending on your values and your partners values how much telling even small lies are an issue. In my heart I have always prided myself on my honesty (though I guess I could do some work in that area if I felt the need to embellish the truth on a matter so trivial) and loyalty and the like. I now see how it can affect others though. My partner doesn't feel secure within our relationship, and I can see why.

I disagree with why he has been led to think these things of me, as I would never cheat on him and have no interest in it, and I know in my own heart how truthful I am. To have been accused wrongly of doing things in the past, gets me upset and angry inside, which I guess is part of why I got defensive and said things to protect myself from being wrongly accused. This terrible habit in, fact makes me look like I am covering something up out of guilt - even though this is not what prompts it in the first place. I am so scared of being accused of crap again, sick of having to be made to feel like I have done something when I haven't smilies/angry.gif

, so I avert the problem by a little white lie.

This does nothing to make the partner feel any more as if they can believe in you. If there is dishonesty then what basis for a good relationship is there unless your partner is of the same fibbing ilk? not much. It also can make your partner feel less secure about themselves, if they think that you cant even talk with them openly they start to question what it is you truly think of them. Don't you believe in them? Or do you think they are scary?

As hard as it is, the truth is always the best option. If it backfires, at least you know in your heart you were true to yourself and were doing the best to be open and honest. And no one can take that away from you.

I praise the few who wish to start being honest. The world needs more honest people. at least you can be honest with yourself about this too. Some people aren't. My advice to you is to bite the bullet. The longer you leave it the worse outcome it could have. Just be honest. Lay it on the line. you will be surprised at how much easier and lighter you will feel. The burden lifts. You will be a much better person because of it. If they love you they should understand. Let them know how guilty you feel, and that you are honest in other areas, and WHY you did it. Don't leave it open ended else they might question your honesty in other areas. Resolve to be honest and open now and in the future. Explain how you love your partner so much that you felt it the right thing to do - tell them the truth. Maybe Pseudonym, you could explain why you broke it off the first time round. That you do want a future but you want one based on honesty and openness.

I think that no matter how protective we think we are trying to be, it's best not to sugar-coat the truth. It is better to let people, who we love especially, know the truth and then let them decide. I have resolved to do this myself and we'll see how it goes from there. And if all else fails, I will be devastated, but at least I know I did my best, and that is all I can do.

You have to be more self-aware I guess if you are going to separate your own truth from lies. You probably gotta be really harsh with yourself and resolve to be brutally honest with yourself - stopping yourself when you KNOW you are not.

Lying is a bad answer to the truth.

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written by none , September 20, 2007

Hello I have never done anything like commented on something like this before. I am 28 and finally am in a great relationship were I am so happy, but I find myself lying about little worthless things. My girlfriend has gotten to the point of being very upset when she catches me in a lie. I don't mean anything buy it and they are harmless. It just comes out and I know it is wrong. Any ideas I don't like feeling like this at all and it is not fair for her to deal with either.

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written by caged , January 13, 2008

My world came crumbling down on me a few days ago. I have been a compulsive liar all my life; creating a whole new persona for myself, educational successes, living a lie. I hated it, and would hate myself every time I heard myself doing it, but it was force of habit. My daughter uncovered my web and exposed it. While I feel a huge weight is lifted from me, and I have been forced back into reality, I have lost the trust and any relationship with my daughter. My lies have caused me to lose everything that is important to me in my life.

But then what do you do, where do you go? I have been reading what people go through living with a compulsive liar and while I do feel for every one of them, the CL is thought of as worse than a leper. We could go into therapy, address the problem, but then what? Nobody trusts us anymore, so we sink back into the fantasy world that gives us comfort. The world where we feel loved, cared for. The world where we are popular, clever and witty. Reality sucks for us.

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written by mathilda , January 22, 2008

I am married to a compulsive liar - he lies from small to large. It has been a 10 year relationship and really for the last 2-3 years it is just constant. We have an 8 year old son who is wonderful.

My husband is kind but drinks on the sly, and lies about it. In fact there is not one thing he can tell me that I will not question. I have gone so far as to basically lower every expectation I had of him as long as he stops lying to me. But he does not.

There are deeper issues within him that I know of; depression, little or no sex drive, poor self image - he has been to therapy but will stop and lie telling me he is still going. He was on medication 2 times but would stop and lie, telling me he is taking it.

Now he may lose his job of 10 years because he is lying and screwing up there all the time. He also decided that drinking would be acceptable in the middle of work yesterday as well as after, and lied that he was simply tired. He hides things, bills, vodka bottles under beds in duffel bags.

My son loves him, I feel so badly for him, he must be so lonely, but I feel I have done all I can. Any Advice or Comments are Very Welcome.

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written by Peter Nowak , April 13, 2008

I have too many lies hidden within to deny that this isn't an awesome sight would yet again be a lie. So thanks! smilies/cool.gif

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written by Ken, , June 12, 2008

I think that everyone on here has a similar story, and would like an answer. Maybe there is no simple answer but someone have some hope!!! I have a similar story to everyone on here, and am just realizing I am a compulsive liar (it sucks). I do not like it. I have had high expectations in my life, and lie to make sure I can please people. Why do we all feel like we have to please people???!!! We don't! It is time that we all be a part of something. It's called healing. I fricken tired of being defensive, of hurting the ones I love. I challenge everyone of us to look at ourselves in the mirror and find something worth being honest for. We all deserve better. Lets stop doing this to ourselves, live the life that we deserve to live. We were not made liars but became liars, and we will all undo what has been done. If anyone wants someone to talk and share with I would love to (I have the most incredible woman depending on it) my email is This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it

Peace and love all,
Ken Stead

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written by AM , August 17, 2008

I am a compulsive liar, I know it is wrong , but I can't help it. Esp with my ex- we tried to stay friends but every time I lie to him he calls me on it and I back peddle. He said he wants nothing to do with me because he can't trust me. Not that I blame him, I don't get why I can't be honest with him. I don't know what to do, I don't want to be this way.

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written by Possible help! , October 07, 2008

It's really surprising to hear such great confessions and see how so many people want to be better and stop lying. I use to lye years ago because of my hard life and my past - I use to try and make it sound better. But what I learned is that it's not about who you were or where you came from, it's who you are now. It's only history and history needs to be told whether good or bad.

Now for the others that lie about larger things, I'm not sure if this tactic will work but I was at the point where I had to do something so if you are desperate, I would try it.

This is what helped me to stop lying...everytime I told a lie, I wrote it down in the evening in my journal while in the bed. I asked myself what other comments or conversation could I have made to not tell the lie and then I practiced it. I then wrote a question as to why I told the lie and how it made me feel. I went even further and asked myself why did I have to feel that way. Once I came up with the answer, I found that (like in most cases mentioned) I wanted to seem more than I was. So I stood in the mirror and told myself...this is who I am...I accepted myself (daily). Once I did that consistently (it took a few months) it no longer mattered to me what others felt about me. So you see, a lot of my lies came from self disappointment. I had gotten married, never fulfilled my dreams and I needed to feel successful so to build up myself. I took classes and volunteered holding babies; I found something that made me feel good about myself; I gave back to where when I did brag, it was the truth. This is what I recommend. It may not help everybody but I'm sure it will help someone.

Don't give up!

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